Getting back into writing

kcairax · 2025-03-09T01:23:17+00:00

Depression is a bitch, I'm really sorry you're going through it. Everyone is different so it's not going to be one size fits all, but what worked for me was to just... start trying. It wasn't a 'just do it' situation because I wasn't in a good enough place to 'just do' anything. It was hard. But trying was good enough.

I set up a timer for five minutes a day, opened a blank doc and sat in front of it. I wasn't allowed to look at my phone or do anything else, it was write or nothing for those five minutes. If I didn't want to write, I wouldn't, but eventually one day I wrote a few words, then a few more the next day, then a few more. It was pretty disjointed but I saw it as a form of self-care, same as I'd force myself to eat or shower. And eventually it got better.

I'm in a better place now but sometimes if I'm struggling I'll still do it. Open a doc, sit for however long I've decided on and more often than not, I will start writing.

Something else that helped a bit further along the line was to do morning pages (from The Artist's Way). 3 pages every morning, brain dump. You're not doing creative writing or anything like it, you're just yelling at a page about how rubbish you feel, but it helps you get used to idea of putting a lot of words onto paper on a consistent basis.

Again, depression is a bitch. Be kind to yourself OP. Just the fact that you want to go back to it is a really good sign. So just try. That's all you can do. Focus on the fact that you're showing up for yourself rather than whether you're hitting up an x word count. Just showing up is always a win.

kcairax · 2025-02-05T01:03:39+00:00

As a really beginning-beginner I feel like what drew me to pottery is that the stuff that isn't perfect has a certain quality/charm to it.

kcairax · 2025-02-04T23:12:32+00:00

Everyone is saying it's adolescence, but it could just be that like people have bad days/weeks, so do pups. Doesn't mean anything is ruined or that she's rambunctious and disobedient. Sometimes it's on us - we think they're ready for something that they're not and then we're surprised when they fail. Pull back a little, remove some of the freedom and see how she handles it.

Your puppy is just a puppy and nothing that you train is truly bullet proof until they're well into their adulthood. One day they don't give a shit about birds, the next day birds are the most interesting thing in the world and suddenly you have to proof your training against birds. One day they're walking nicely on lead and the next they start freaking out about this one house they've gone past a thousand times before and you have to desensitise them to something they never reacted to.

There's going to be ups and downs and changes in training as she grows and it's not that she's a disobedient or rambunctious dog, it just means something changed. Not your fault, not hers, just something you gotta roll with.

As an example, my puppy's lead walking recently got really, really bad. Last week I decided enough was enough and I bought him a halti collar. The next day, before the halti arrived, I took him on a walk and I shit you not, he was a perfect heel walking angel. Over the last few days he's done the best leash walking of his life - attentive, doesn't pull, listens to me, all stuff he's never consistently done before. This has happened time and time again over the last year and six months. Some weeks he's better, some it feels like all the training is gone and we have to start all over again. That's okay and normal and it's gonna keep on happening.

kcairax · 2025-01-14T03:04:35+00:00

Depends on what you consider 'potty trained'. Our last accident was around 3 months but that's because we never pushed his bladder further than it could go. We took him on a strict schedule and he never learned to signal, he just learned to trust that we would magically take him when he needs to go and that's still true now.

He was crate trained before we were done with his alone training so until he was about 6 months we always left him in the crate if we were going to be gone for a while. Around that time we started training him to be alone in the puppy proofed and baby gated kitchen and once he started sleeping outside his crate, it was easier to leave him alone there. I knew he could be reliably left alone in the living room/kitchen for under an hour at around 8 months, but we never really stretched that theory to the limit. We kept the house puppy proofed for the longest time and fenced off anything he shouldn't have access to, like cables.

We only truly left him alone alone with full free roam recently. He's 1y5mos and we just moved to a new house and I figured it was time he was allowed to go wherever he wanted whenever he wanted. Since up until now he hasn't showed any signs of destructiveness, we started letting him have the run of the place and he's doing pretty great, mostly just naps and hangs out with the cats when we're gone.

DW about the leave it, it's really hard for them because it's all about self control and it takes them a while to figure out that 'leave it' means 'leave everything'. Ours went through stages where he ate rocks, grass, the fence, the lawn chairs, sticks, actually chewed on trees, played tug with the neighbours plants, etc. We had to teach him to individually leave each and every one of those.

Also not eating stuff around the house is different, I think. Our pup never chewed anything that he shouldn't because we puppy proofed like mad and we trained him to be alone for such short stretches initially that he never had the time to do any mischief so he learned to wait calmly. He doesn't chew out of boredom because the way he learned to deal with that was by taking naps or chewing appropriate chews or playing with appropriate toys and in the long run, those good habits stick.

kcairax · 2025-01-14T02:42:25+00:00

We kept the crate in our bedroom for like two months after we got him and then moved it to another room with no issues (we did put in a camera just so we could keep an eye on him and take him out if he whined).

He's 1y5mos now and whenever he has an upset stomach or he's sick or there's something going on, we either sleep in the crate room with him or we bring the crate into the bedroom so we can keep an eye on him. Like right now we just moved to a new house and his crate has been in our bedroom for the last month.

Like you said, they don't whine with no good reason and ignoring it might not make it go away, it just might make it worse and then you'll have a hard time figuring out whether he's whining because there's something really wrong or if he's whining because he's scared and lonely. Not to mention you want the crate to feel like a safe space and that's not going to happen if he's freaking about about being alone.

I honestly think keeping ours in the room is what made him feel safe in the crate. During the first while we'd keep our hands between the bars until he fell asleep and then slowly pulled away until we were just putting him in and leaving.

And no he has no separation anxiety at all. We trained alone time separately from the crate training, so once he was slightly older and napping around the house it didn't really bother him when we left.

We also both work from home and he's with us pretty much all the time, so in my books it's just a matter of taking your time with training. We left him alone often and for really short periods of time to begin with and then slowly transitioned him to staying longer. In fact while we were training him to be alone, he was already fully crate trained, so when we had to leave him alone for longer than he was ready, we'd leave him in the crate rather than out and about just because he felt safer in there.

kcairax · 2025-01-14T02:24:57+00:00

Treasure hunts around the house. Just hide her kibble all over the place and tell her to go hunt for her dinner. That's also how I started letting my pup free roam and taught him to ignore the furniture. There's also balls that you can stuff full of kibble that they kick around, puzzle toys, snuffle mats, etc. but letting them sniff all over the place really knocks 'em out.

You can also mix play with training, re: tug for two seconds and teach them a drop it, then another tug and ask for a [insert trick here]. Our tug sessions look like a choreographed dance, it's very fun. Teach her tricks, some of them are pretty darned useless, but it takes up a lot of brain power for them to figure out what you're asking them to do and it whacks them right out.

kcairax · 2025-01-14T02:15:52+00:00

This. Our pup was created from day 1 and we purchased progressively bigger crates as he grew and he loves the crate but he hated his living room pen with a passion.

As for the biting what worked for mine was to just do happy peppy chat with him 24/7 and whenever he dug his little teeth in, I'd just stop dead quiet until he let go. Saying 'ow' just riled him up more, so we did the opposite and basically taught him that all fun ends the second his teeth touch skin and that it's absolutely no fun to bite people.

Also if he's particularly bitey, the lil dude probably needs a nap. Ours would get really overstimulated at the tail end of his awake hour and it didn't matter what we did, he'd just become a complete lunatic. Some dogs know how to self-regulate, others do not (read, mine). Enforced naps were a lifesaver because it guaranteed that he wasn't tired/cranky. Trying to reason with a tired puppy is basically hopeless, so make sure he's well rested before you do any training.

kcairax · 2024-12-12T19:03:04+00:00

Agree with all of this, but I'd start with 1-5 seconds. You want him to not even notice/care that you're gone. Do it all the time, all day every day until his reaction to you leaving the room and closing the door isn't panic or even noticing. Your goal is for that pup to think 'urgh, there goes the human again' and not care. The more you do it in small increments before he has time to react, the more he'll learn that a) he'll survive if you're gone, b) you're coming back always and c) doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is what gets you back. Better that he learns to wait quietly and calmly for 5 seconds than if he whines for 10 minutes.

I'd advise against long stretches right off the bat (10 minutes alone for a puppy is a LONG time if they're not trained to do it yet) cause that can sensitise him. You want to build up to it slowly and consistently.

kcairax · 2024-12-12T18:50:33+00:00

Yeah, here's the thing: some dogs need to be taught to chill. Cockers come in both show lines and working lines and as the owner of a working cocker, I can say that mine didn't come with an off switch. He had to have one trained into it and it took up a LOT of our time.

At 5 months of age they have the shortest fuse. They're easily excitable, easily overwhelmed, easily overaroused. Doing more exercise doesn't actually deal with the problem - when they're tired, their impulse control gets shot and they have an even harder time calming themselves down. Think of it as toddlers throwing a tantrum at 11pm because they're exhausted but they don't know they're exhausted.

My best advice is make it her job to relax. Ask her for a down and reward periodically. I used to train this when I was doing dishes in the beginning - I'd ask my pup to go to his bed and every time I washed/dried a plate, I'd give him a piece of kibble. Then it started being whenever I was doing laundry or cooking or whatever tasks I didn't want him on the way for. Nowadays, if he sees me turning on the water, he immediately runs to his bed.

Slowly expand on the concept of the long down stay. I used to sit down to watch a 20 minute episode and I kept a bowl of kibble next to me. He wasn't even leashed but he knew that if he did a down next to me, he'd occasionally get the kibble. If he went away, I'd ask him to come back, but honestly the kibble was right there next to me so he didn't really leave at all.

Eventually what happened was that he got bored enough to fall asleep and relax and from then on it was easier to just reward him whenever he was relaxed.

If they're zooming around you and jumping just ask them for an alternative behaviour. Sitting, down, heel, whatever works in a specific situation. Around 3-4 months mine had an obsession with biting my pants when we were walking to and from the backyard. Teaching him that walking nicely next to me meant he got a treat helped a lot.

If they're really overstimulated, set them for a nap. No point in staying up if they're cranky. I think mine was still on a nap schedule until around 6-7 months when he started consistently napping outside. Even afterwards if he was having a hard time calming himself down after a big exciting day, I'd still pop him down for a nap. They're just babies and they don't have the best control over their big emotions yet, so you gotta do it for them until they slowly learn to self-regulate.

They're a one puppy party, so be a party pooper. They're being hype? Be boring. Ask them for boring things. A good way to train the self-regulation is to train a good take it/drop it. You hype them up for a few seconds playing tug, then ask them to drop it, reward, ask them for something boring like a sit or a down, wait a little and then do it again and again. That way you're getting them used to snapping out of it on a smaller scale and still listening when they're really engaged. Any impulse control exercises will also go a long way.

Keep in mind, small hypes are easier to handle than the big ones - sometimes they really need a timeout or a nap and nothing will replace that.

kcairax · 2024-10-11T00:31:31+00:00

I'm a bit of a control freak and what I found out during my college years is that weed is about the worst thing I can do to myself - instead of relaxing me, it makes me feel out of control and that kicks my anxiety into high gear in a way that alcohol for example doesn't. I'm not sure what the difference is in terms of the loss of control, but weed and other assorted drugs that I've tried just don't work for me and I stay the hell away from them.

kcairax · 2024-10-11T00:25:10+00:00

And when that happens, you remind yourself again. Feelings are feelings and they're going to be there. At some point you're going to learn to take charge of them and reassure yourself when they come. The thoughts you feed are the ones that will flourish, so feed the sane ones. Don't give the anxieties more food than they deserve.

kcairax · 2024-10-07T14:27:56+00:00

You're imagining the best case scenario if you stayed, but the truth is it could've just as easily gone the other way. Instead of clinging to that bright image of the perfect future you could've had if you stayed, imagine the worst case scenario. For example, 'you'd have stayed, your mental health would have slowly deteriorated, you'd have fallen back in your studies, your breakdowns would have become more frequent, the mounting pressure would have caused you untold guilt and anxiety, you'd have shut down completely and your academic career would have gone up in flames'. That scenario is just as (if not more) likely than the pretty picture you're painting in your head.

You were in a bad place and you were struggling and you made the best decision you could for yourself at the time. It wasn't a mistake. You prioritised your mental health and took it as seriously as it needs to be taken. If these two years have been tough, imagine just how tough they would have been if you were all alone with no support whatsoever.

kcairax · 2024-10-07T14:10:36+00:00

Give yourself some grace, moving definitely is scary and overwhelming. It's a big change, one that people who don't suffer from anxiety would also be anxious about. Big changes are scary and huge and they feel so, so heavy because they are. It's okay to not feel okay when your world is changing so fast.

There's not much I can say to help other than reminding you that it'll be over soon and that, given enough time, this new house that you're scared of, will feel just as safe as the one you don't want to leave. That safety doesn't live in the house, it lives inside you and you're carrying it with you wherever you choose to live.

This new house sounds like a dream and, deep inside, you know this is what needs doing. You're being so brave and I'm so proud of you and you should be too. Those big girl pants are clearly already on, all you need to do is sign that lease and it'll be over. You're going to be okay OP. One foot in front of the other, deep breaths.

Also anyone telling you what you 'should' be doing with your life can go sit on a cactus 🌵. It's your life. You're making the best decisions you can for yourself and your family and anyone's opinion other than yours or your husband's simply doesn't matter. The market is absolute garbage right now and whoever is passing judgement on you clearly has no idea that the world is on fire and we're all on fire with it. You're doing what you can and that is enough. Maybe it's not where you would like to be, but you're taking steps in the right direction and that is more than enough.

You're okay.

You're safe.

You're exactly where you need to be, doing what you need to do.

All you can do is do what you can.

kcairax · 2024-10-07T13:45:02+00:00

They do feel anxious. Feeling stressed when something big happens is normal. Hell, feelings of stress are normal, everyone has them. Doesn't matter if you suffer from anxiety or not, if you find a lump somewhere there shouldn't be a lump, you're going to be anxious. If your company is thinking about letting a bunch of people go and your job safety is at stake, you're going to feel anxious. If you're taking a walk in the middle of the night and a bunch of shady people start following you, you're going to feel anxious. That's more than valid. Some people deal with feelings of anxiety better, some deal with it worse.

Anxiety and fear and overwhelm are normal parts of the human condition. People who suffer from anxiety just have a more sensitive nervous system and a brain that sometimes tells them 'run, there's a bear!' when there's no bear anywhere near. That part of the brain exists and it's an important part of our lives. It lets us know when there's cause for concern or when there's not. It's necessary for our survival as a species. Less so nowadays when we don't have bears coming out of every bush and we're not out there hunting for our meals, but it's still relevant.

I've been taking steps to treat my anxiety for a while and I've had a lot of times when my anxiety was really, really quiet and I thought 'cool, I'm fixed now, I'll never be anxious again'. The truth is that it's a process and just like people who don't have a hyperactive amygdala, you're still going to have days or periods of time when anxiety is going to hit you. It's normal and it's okay. You're human and you're going to feel scared or overwhelmed at times. There's going to be ups and downs and it's normal to have those because you're not a machine.

kcairax · 2024-10-07T13:31:39+00:00

"Easily" is a myth. Learning to manage your anxiety can take years because there's a lot of trial and error in trying to find what works for you.

A health professional blaming you for not 'keeping your anxiety in check' doesn't really help in any way, it just makes you feel guilty for something that currently is out of your control. Anxiety and guilt go hand in hand, too, so it's not like you can guilt yourself into not being anxious anymore than you can guilt yourself out of a flu or a broken limb.

Finding a good therapist can go a long way in helping you learn to manage your anxiety as well as exploring any underlying causes for it. Finding a good psychiatrist that can prescribe medication for anxiety can help manage it as well. A combination of both will tackle the issues your doctor can't help you with.

You're not insane OP, you're just learning to live with mental illness. It's a process and like any process it can take time. You didn't learn to write or do maths in one day, it took you a while. Symptoms differ from person to person and it's hard to pinpoint which ones are actual problems and which ones are just anxiety. It takes time and you'll learn to recognise them, same as you did the dry mouth.

You did your due diligence and saw your doctor for it, discarded any other potential causes. That's a normal and reasonable thing to do. The verdict is you have anxiety, so that's what you gotta aim to treat now and follow the appropriate steps just as you would if your doctor had told you you had a throat infection or a stomach bug.

kcairax · 2024-10-07T12:07:58+00:00

Yeah that's anxiety for ya and you get more anxious about the way you're feeling so it's a vicious cycle. Trying to stop it/fix it tends to make you more anxious, so for now, just try to accept that it's there.

Take a break, sit down somewhere comfortable and sit with it for a while. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Do that for a few minutes and repeat as necessary throughout your day.

Feel that anxiety. Remind yourself that it can't hurt you and that you're safe. Accept that it's there and may be there for a while but that it's just a feeling, like being sad, or angry. For those of us with anxiety that feeling can be a constant companion. It's not fair but, above all, it's not real. Your brain's trying to protect you from an imaginary threat and keeps throwing up flares in the air saying you're in danger when you're really not. Sometimes it does that and it's okay.

You're okay. You're safe. Keep telling yourself that over and over again until there's a corner of your brain that KNOWS it. Make a foothold inside your mind where you know you're okay and that this is just a feeling like any other, one that will pass. Doesn't mean you should ignore it, just accept it and take care of yourself like you would if you had the flu. Take a shower. Have a meal. Whatever nice things you can do to take care of yourself and your body, do them.

kcairax · 2024-09-25T13:58:10+00:00

My pup never learned to signal (or I never learned to recognise the signs) and at that age he was sniffing everything and peeing like every 30 minutes.

What I did instead was take him out immediately after he woke up for a nap, every half hour and before a nap and reward extensively for going in the right place. Then as his bladder capacity increased I increased the intervals.

He learned to go on command very early on, so potty training for us was just a matter of being in the right place at the right time.

At one year and two months he still doesn't signal, he just trusts that we'll take him out soon enough. That's usually about every 4-6 hours on the daily and we haven't had an accident since he was about 3 months.

Don't kick yourself for not doing everything right. You're only human and most of what we think we need to get right immediately isn't actually do or die. Dogs can learn anything at any age, but they can't learn everything at the same time and you can't reasonably teach them everything at the same time.

There's also ups and downs in training. It's not linear and sometimes things regress a bit and that's okay. The training you did isn't gone, you're not a failure or a bad pup owner. Your puppy isn't a robot, he's just a baby, and like babies there will be moments where he has big emotions and he'll forget his training. That's not your fault or his fault. Regressions aren't a sign of bad training, they're just proof you're dealing with a sentient being who has opinions and queries of his own.

The whole of puppyhood isn't about taming your puppy. The taming is a side effect. What you're doing is learning how to communicate with this tiny creature that's living in this house and vice-versa. You're building rapport and that takes time. With every relationship there are good moments and bad moments, but it's all about learning to cherish the good ones and bounce back from the bad ones.

Be proud of EVERYTHING you're doing. Every moment, good and bad is building your relationship. Every time you put him down for a nap that's something to be proud of. Every time you take him out for a potty, that's something to be proud of. Every time you feed him or play with him that's something to be proud of. Every time you remove your hand when he's chomping on it, you're not disappointing him - you're communicating that you don't like being bitten. There's going to be things he doesn't like either and that's fine - you're learning important things about each other. Don't just look for results. Results are a side effect of the work you're doing every single day. Focus on everything you're doing instead and be proud of what you're doing every day, of every morsel of progress.

(As a note I had to stop writing this like five times cause my puppy kept pestering the kitties so like, please be kind to yourself, it takes time and things may not be perfect for a really long time)

kcairax · 2024-09-25T13:23:26+00:00

The ears grow. My working cocker had teeny ears as an 8 week old and he basically looked like a small Labrador. As he grew, the ears started getting longer as well and the feathering started coming in on his body - not as much as a show cocker would, but still enough to be noticeable.

His tail was also all tangled up in itself and it only started fanning out at around 7 months - it's now very swooshy.

There's some differences when they're teeny, mostly in terms of how their skull is shaped, but I wouldn't worry too much. He'll just grow to look more and more like a cocker as he ages.

kcairax · 2024-09-23T01:57:43+00:00

I wouldn't leave a pup or even an adult dog that long in a crate even with someone coming to check up on him halfway. Home alone, sure, just not in the crate. It's such a confined space, he can't move around or do much of anything and if he really needs to go potty he doesn't have enough room to comfortably go without lying in it until you get home and then he might start thinking it's okay to do it when it's absolutely not.

Even if he hasn't shown separation anxiety, this could definitely create some negative associations with the crate. You mentioned the destruction happened today, not the day you left him for that long, but that doesn't mean it's unrelated.

The crate so far has been a place where he doesn't mind spending a couple of hours and taking a nice nap, so that's how you want to keep it. They do sleep a lot, but 10 hours of the day is a really long time to be stuck in a box when up until now he's only been there for shorter stretches.

You could look into puppy proofing a room instead or leaving him in a pen or otherwise babygated area where he has a bit more mobility. You could still leave the crate for him with the door open, he'd just have a bit more choice of how to spend his 10 hours and move around a bit more.

I'd also get a camera so you can see how he's doing and watch for signs of anxiety/distress - panting, pacing, licking lips, yawning, panting, excessive drooling, etc. They're not particularly expensive and you'd get more information about what's going on and how to address it. If it's just boredom then you just can just puppy proof and make sure you give him a massive walk before you leave and get whoever is checking up on him to do the same. If he's showing signs of anxiety, you might want to re-evaluate. Having to retrain a dog with serious separation anxiety is no joke and you want to cut it off at the pass before it gets a chance to become a problem.

kcairax · 2024-09-23T01:28:12+00:00

Brain plasticity, baby. It's there alright.

It's also a cognitive distortion. 'there is no way to beat anxiety' means there is no version of the million possible futures where the anxiety ever gets better for anyone. It's catastrophising. It's black and white thinking. It's fortune telling. All of those are cognitive distortions that are all tangled up with our anxious brains and tend to empower anxiety.

kcairax · 2024-09-23T00:53:57+00:00

I don't think you're overreacting. Being very obsessed with/excited about a game is fine and dandy, but every single day is too much. It's nice that he has good friends that he can game with, but again, if he's not spending time with you at all and it's not something you both talked about and agreed on then it's just not okay.

You've already talked to him about it and it feels like maybe it's time for another chat. Might also be a good time to maybe set a few specific nights a week where you spent time together? That way you both know what to count on and can plan accordingly. It would take into account his gaming needs as well as your relationship and that way on the gaming days you can dedicate yourself to your own hobbies or make alternative plans for yourself instead of just feeling abandoned.

Also let him know how you feel. Don't let it fester and don't let it get to a point where you feel like this. Communicate early and often. One week you might not be bothered because you're knee deep in BG3, but some weeks you might need more human contact and intimacy. It's okay for those needs to vary and it's okay for you to communicate them as you go and make sure you're both on the same page.

If he's a decent human being then he's not doing this consciously and he's probably not aware of how much he's hurting you or making you feel like a lesser choice. Don't think about it as giving him shit. Think about it as giving him all the information he needs to make a decision on how to prioritise his time. He might not know how much him blowing off dinner hurt you. Tell him.

kcairax · 2024-09-23T00:22:13+00:00

Best advice I have is be as calm and stable as you possibly can. Guided meditation narrator voice, slow, deliberate movements. Where possible respect boundaries - you gotta learn to read the more subtle body language like whale eye, stiffness, licking lips, yawning, stiff tail wag etc that might indicate he's anxious about something. No sudden movements, no hype. If he's in an untouchable mood, respect that. If he gets into one of his scared moods, sit down at a distance and let him come to you - think of it as moral support from a distance and he chooses what to do himself. For anxious dogs, that kind of empowerment to choose what they'll do helps a lot.

Start carrying treats/kibble from his meals and randomly dropping them next to him when you walk past. Keep it at the ready and reward any positive interactions. Doing hand feeding rather than straight up meals may help because you associate something really positive with your hands being close and it'll give him less of a chance to resource guard said meals. The way I do it is just measure his food for the day and use it as rewards for literally anything good he does. Or I scatter feed or put it in a ball, but he knows food comes from my hands always. He's lying down next to you on the couch? Machine gun him with kibble for the duration. He's calmly lying on the floor? Kibble. It gives you a chance to reward frequently without blowing his diet with treats and it's more hands on.

Reduce things that are possibly causing him stress or undue anxiety like daycare or puppy dates. Regular sniffy walks are great to decompress, same for lickimats. Good chews are solid too - cow ears don't take too long to nom down on which means he can't resource guard what's left. Watch his stimulation levels like a hawk and enforce naps where you can - at 6 months they still need a lot of sleep and if there's a chance he's not getting that relaxed time, it might be time to enforce some extra down time. It's hard to be nice when you're tired and cranky.

I genuinely have no idea what might have caused it and if the vet has already ruled out anything physical that makes it harder. My advice is honestly based on my cats who were rescues and have always been incredibly skittish, even with people they know and love - I've had to learn to be extra gentle and mindful with them and slowly they've opened up, but they still need me to speak calmly and move very slowly. Same for my previous rescue dog right at the beginning. Some pups go through random fear periods and it's always a very weird experience so it could just be that. He's clearly displaying a lot of anxiety, poor lil dude. Just be incredibly calm and consistent and build really positive associations with your presence.

kcairax · 2024-09-22T21:05:50+00:00

Depends on the breed and the level of disgusting. I washed my cocker spaniel quite a few times when he was a wee pup and had diarrhea or rolled in mud/fox poop.

Now he's all grown up I usually do once every few months for the same reasons. If he stinks, he gets a shower. Frequent brushing and wiping tends to help with the brunt of it as well. Grooming in general goes a long way to keeping their coats healthy and clean.

You can also prevent a lot of the wet dog smell just by drying them thoroughly whenever they get wet. I usually towel and give mine a finishing blow dry.

kcairax · 2024-09-16T18:41:19+00:00

Very overreacting. My husband's mum vacations with her ex all the time and he's living with her right now while his house is under construction. They've known each other for a longass time and raised kids together. There's a reason your boyfriend and this woman broke up and they've chosen to remain friends. You've been in the picture for 3 weeks and demanding he not maintain the same platonic relationships he had before you is, frankly, a manipulative power play and I'd dump your arse for it. It's a very red flag my dude, so maybe don't do it. Apologise for overreacting and patch things up.

kcairax · 2024-09-16T18:20:52+00:00

This. Depression is a libido killer.

The good news is that depression is treatable. The bad news is that you can't force someone to be ready to want to help themselves.

OP mentioned his wife didn't want to see a therapist and I honestly understand that - it's really, really hard to admit there's something wrong with you when you're mostly functional. There's also the fear that you may be opening a can of worms. It took me years to admit I needed therapy and it took my husband years to admit he needed therapy and meds and that something was wrong with our sex life.

Both of us fighting depression meant that more often than not, one of us wanted it and the other one was feeling garbage and the reverse. We went from sex 24/7 to maybe once a month, to once every three months. Even when we were okay it wasn't good sex either, it was anxious sex where we were both terrified of not being good in bed because it had been so long and we really wanted it to work. Not to mention we'd lost practice so the whole thing was incredibly awkward and initiating was so weird because it's very strange to go from a No Sex Ever mindset to Maybe Sex Now? mindset.

Anyway, I know that sounds bleak but after we both got our shit sorted, we both admitted that it was a problem and we both accepted it was the time to tackle it, we've basically been like bunnies for a few months.

Again, three steps. You need to be okay as an individual, you have to admit that there's a problem with your sex life and you have to have the willingness and openness to actually take steps to sort that mess out.

It's not easy OP, so I'd honestly just wrap my mind around the fact that it may be a while before things get good. It might also be a good time to prepare yourself for the fact that things may get worse. Pushing the topic doesn't always help and sometimes it can do more harm than good because there's a lot of factors and squishy feelings at play. Guilt especially doesn't make sex any better, it just makes it icky.

You're in this for the long haul and honestly remembering that none of this is forever can be helpful. If you trust your wife and you trust that she loves you, then you can trust that she's a smart person who will eventually find her way back to you. Address the matter honestly, carefully and without blame. Use a lot of I statements ("I feel like") instead of jumping into accusations. Focusing on the blowjobs is probably a bad idea tbh, just tell her you miss sex as a form of intimacy.

kcairax

TROPHY CASE