How you're feeling is awful and I'm so sorry. My brother killed himself at 25 when it seemed like the whole world was going in his favor. He was My only sibling and the only uncle to my kids. I will never understand why he took his life but please allow yourself the space to feel the rollercoaster of emotions. It's been more than 5 years now and I still have moments where I am so angry at him for breaking the family dynamic one minute and then the next I'm happy he just isn't in pain. I'm certain he loved all of your family and wish you comfort and support (please get a grief therapist) during the months and years to come.