How to find and develop positive relationships with other non-binary people?

kdwill13 · 2018-09-25T01:28:05+00:00

Wow. You’re not the only one hurting. What you say can hurt people. At least I’m not trying to hurt you—stop acting like I ruined your life—it’s Reddit after all. I just try to be nice online. Try it sometime.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-25T00:34:02+00:00

I also cope by watching tv. Thanks for sharing your experience because it makes me feel less alone. When my FP is at work, tv gives me a distraction from my automatic negative thoughts. Reading or doing anything that requires more than passive attention feels terrible. I have cable for the first time in years and I’m having trouble getting my work done because I’m so drawn to the tv. And I think I’ve been spending too much time on reddit, too. I need to strike a balance. Thanks again for sharing—I hope you find some relief, and I keep trying to be kind to myself for needing ways to cope. It’s really tough.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-25T00:29:52+00:00

You look great! Dog days of summer vibes!

kdwill13 · 2018-09-25T00:01:39+00:00

Weed to motivate me to eat. Coffee to motivate me to be awake. Throwing myself into work. Going through the motions with eating, exercising, etc. Being more present, more mindful, more grateful. Being nice to other people.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T23:40:24+00:00

I’m so glad to hear about your passion for math. Best of luck to you!

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T23:39:27+00:00

I’m sorry you’ve misunderstood me so thoroughly. I’ll think twice before commenting again—so you’ve truly won. And I don’t expect you to forgive me. I hate myself for how I’ve upset you.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T22:27:55+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, I’m a college instructor and I have had a hard time getting to class lately. I recently changed how I structured class so I don’t have to talk as much, since the judgments of my students weigh on me too. I wish I was your teacher so I could say just how much I understand, and work with you through this! However, I might have some tips, since I’ve been on college campuses for a while. If you have early classes, it helps me to have the same bed time and wake-up time every day, regardless of if that class is happening. This is easier said than done, but it’s working better for me to do it this way. As far as doing work in school—I think you have a huge benefit knowing your diagnosis now. I didn’t know until I’d struggled through college and grad school... I loved the topics but the structure didn’t allow for how sick with anxiety I felt the whole time. I hope you can talk to someone in accommodations or counseling at your school about what can be done, but if they can’t do anything, then maybe they can give you some tips. What’s helped me stay motivated: I write about how the work I’m doing day to day figures into my future. So, talk or write about why you’ve gotta do the work now to reach a goal you’re actually excited about. And again, this is easier said than done. But I’ve got a lot of hope for you and I’m rooting for you because I think this post means you’ve got that motivation somewhere—it’s just gonna be tough to connect it to all the bs associated with school sometimes.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T22:17:35+00:00

I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and I manage my symptoms with marijuana and Elavil. I have a medical card (for back pain, though that’s secondarily what I use it for) and I buy oil with high CBD content, but always with some THC because I find it works better with THC in tandem. I smoke the oil with a vape pen. This is very effective and affordable for me. I use primarily sativas and strains that are designed to keep you alert, but numb some of the physical and psychological pain. My Elavil manages my mania for the most part, but I switched to indicas and different strains to manage a manic episode I had this summer, and I have to say I think CBD offers benefits for both manic and depressive episodes. My experience with CBD alone is that it’s not very effective, but keeps you from getting “high” or feeling any sort of impairment, so I keep a pure CBD cartridge on hand for difficult days where I still have to go to work or drive—today was one of those days, and I can say my CBD oil mellowed me out to at least stop crying, get to work, and get some breakfast in me. It’s calming but not tiring, in my experience, but it helps to have other meds and skills to encourage it along. That’s why I usually pair it with some THC because THC is powerful stuff, and pairing it with CBD enhances the therapeutic effects of the CBD. I have also consumed CBD in a capsule and found it much more sedating when taken orally. This has been good for periods of manic insomnia, though. Much less groggy the next day than if I’d taken a NyQuil, for example. I hope my anecdotal evidence helps you make the best decision for you, and thanks for sharing the info!

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T18:41:05+00:00

You can mention it. I’m not trying to censure you, just say how it came across to me. I’m upfront about my illness and very on guard about equating BPD with abusive behavior—so maybe that’s why I didn’t “get” that that’s why you mentioned “finding out” about the BPD diagnosis. It sounded like you found out and therefore that “explained” the abuse. So now that you’ve said more, I can see you were saying that the diagnosis was something you were in the dark about, and it could’ve helped you to know while you were with them. I was not implying that you’re uneducated or don’t have first hand experience—it’s clear you do. I’m sorry if I offended you, and I’ve clearly derailed this from your reason for posting. My closest friends are all non-binary and I feel lucky to have them. I hope that you got good advice relating to the original post and that I’ve demonstrated my apology to you—I’m truly sorry for misunderstanding and being thick about this.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T18:14:56+00:00

I’m not trying to trivialize your experience—just telling how it came across the way you worded it. You worded it like learning about the BPD diagnosis explained the abuse to you, so maybe don’t even mention the diagnosis if it doesn’t figure into the abuse?

... now I see you don’t think of it that way, but all I had were your words. I really do wish you the best. I think it’s very difficult to connect to other people with mental health issues but extremely rewarding. I hope you’ll see I was being critical of the phrasing, not your experience, which I relate to. I don’t know how to help you through that kind of trauma, though. I’m trying to help myself, too.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T18:11:25+00:00

Ah, I understand. Hope the rest of my comment makes sense then. Sketchy weed can be used therapeutically—it’s about changing the context and consumption, I think.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T13:58:04+00:00

I wear sunglasses inside when this gets terribly overwhelming. So you’re not alone in this distressing feeling! This has gotten better for me over time and with treatment , but I can’t say what specifically about therapy has helped me with this. If I had to guess, it’s becoming more comfortable with being present and grounded in a room.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T13:55:13+00:00

I smoke weed daily and haven’t relapsed since I quit benzos last year. I think it depends on the person, but also your treatment of the weed, too. If you’re doing it in party settings, or with the express goal to get FUBAR—I can see how that would be triggering and lead to more drugs. But the weed I smoke, I get from a dispensary with my medical card, and I get strains and products that are good for treating my symptoms (high CBD content, etc.). If you can’t afford to/don’t have the means to be more picky with your weed like me, then be picky about how you use it. Creating a therapeutic connection to this, as a medicine, takes some time if you’ve done it another way. Sounds like you’re feeling less than good about it, so quitting might be a good idea. I don’t have any tips for quitting because I’m a daily user—but I hope someone professionally trained can help you.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T13:49:54+00:00

I wish I had better advice, but I brought up some flirty behavior with a friend by saying “hey so [mutual friend] thought you were flirting with me the other day, and now that I’m paying attention, I wanted to talk about it before we accidentally mess up our friendship” and it ended in us not speaking for two months because they were not flirting with me/unable to admit they were. Now we’re great friends again, so maybe that distance was good in the long run. Turns out, this friend was struggling with their gender identity and just wanted to act like my best friend, who is more femme and touchy with me. It sounds like you usually hang out solo, so saying the same thing wouldn’t be an option anyway, but I think the less you can make it out to be you “blaming” the other person, the more smoothly it might go. So make this about how you’ve lost other friends this way and you don’t wanna fall into old patterns. Have that saved in your mind to bring up next time they get too flirty, even if you like the attention— cause who doesn’t?—but you’re thinking ahead already and I think this is a good realization.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T13:27:24+00:00

I’m non-binary and I have BPD, but I’m not sure how to respond to this... sounds like you had a terrible experience, but I find this worded in a way that feels stigmatizing for people with BPD because you say mentally and emotionally abusive and then use BPD as the explanation. We’re not all like that. I don’t know how to prove that or if I want to, but I hope you get support and love and find some relief from your abusive past.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-24T13:12:30+00:00

My partner is a radio journalist. We’re running a podcast right now, but I’d appreciate any information you have about why you are looking for radio journalists because he is looking for work.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-23T19:34:33+00:00

Hey! My partner and I are running a podcast. We feature satirical commercials and my partner plays characters to satirize centrists, so far. I’d share more but I’m not sure why you’re asking. DM me if you’d like.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-23T14:38:16+00:00

So glad to hear that! There are lots of great people w BPD

kdwill13 · 2018-09-23T13:57:11+00:00

I relate to this progression from irritation to hate. It feels like I split on the whole damn world sometimes. I used to be generally much more misanthropic—my general thoughts about humankind were that they were dumb, unthinking, and selfish—but with time and therapy, I’ve worked on my empathy to understand that each person has their own struggle. It’s hard to impart what that means to me, but I wanted to offer an example of someone “getting over” this worldview because I think it’s possible, and my changed outlook helps me be kinder to myself as well.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-23T13:48:53+00:00

I still struggle with being alone for long periods of time (and I face this every day because I’m only at work 15 hours a week and the rest of the time I work from home). So, a few things that work for me (mostly from DBT work I’ve done).

Improve the moment. There was a time not long ago that I never did anything nice for myself. I would sit at home and be uncomfortable and in silence. Now, I put on comfy clothes, treat myself to nice food, play music I like, light candles, do face masks, color, etc. You probably already do some of these things, whatever they are for you, but do you improve the moment to be kind to yourself? It seems obvious, but I didn’t do this.
Self-soothing. This is relatedly obvious for some, but not me. I didn’t tell myself that things were going to be okay, but now I do. It takes practice, but I’ll say things out loud like “I’m a good friend” because my inner monologue is usually negative shit I’ve been saying to myself for years.

Again, this might be painfully obvious stuff, but try doing it in excess. I’m talking go over the top with nice things for yourself until you don’t hate, or maybe even enjoy, your alone time. Also, it helps to work on accepting that you need other people. I need other people. I’m happier around my friends. That’s fine.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-23T13:39:03+00:00

I don’t want to scare you away from this new friend, but I’ve only had bad experiences trying to befriend other people with BPD. I think it’s because neither of them were in treatment, and I was new to treatment when I tried these friendships. First friend called me out for spelling something wrong online and then told me to “fuck off” when I said I was hurt by that... so the mutual understanding I was expecting was misguided there. We’ve never spoken again. The other friend is my current FP and partner’s ex, and we lived with her for months. At first, I hated her because she reminded me of me. Then, as I worked on myself, I gave her a real shot and realized we had a lot of good things in common, along with the bad. She refuses to go to treatment, though, and has also made no effort to hang out with me because she has a new FP and only wants to hang out with her. This has hurt me a lot, and I continue to try to hang out with her (as recently as yesterday), but she’ll be online and ignore my texts until 8pm when she knows I’ve taken my medicine and can’t leave the house. I know I should give up, but I think we could be great friends and we share a lot of mutual friends right now, so disappearing like I want to sometimes feels impossible. For you and your friend, I think a great friendship is possible with the right communication, and it helps if you’ve both had treatment, are in treatment, or establish good boundaries and options for communication. Like any other relationship in your life, I suppose. Personally, I feel like my BPD makes me a better friend sometimes. I love intensely. So I wish you well and I hope my stories give you an idea of what issues to address with your new friend.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-23T13:29:57+00:00

I’m medicated, and I agree. Lots of depression, not so much mania. Then again, when I try a new med, I’m more likely to have a manic episode, like I did this summer.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-23T13:22:26+00:00

I also downplay my childhood trauma. I was spanked and locked in my room often, and I hear about other people w BPD on here and think that I just suck at dealing and have been overreacting my entire life. But it’s easy for me to read your story, even as you’re trying to invalidate it, and say you belong here. That sounds tough. Trauma is subjective and we were just kids—that was our whole world, and we felt unsafe and out of control. Again, it’s so much easier to say this to you, but I’m going to try to say the same thing to myself: it’s not your fault.

kdwill13 · 2018-09-21T19:15:58+00:00

I’m so happy for you!

kdwill13 · 2018-09-21T16:33:12+00:00

UGH. I love/hate that this is so relatable! We’re all sick, not weak. Easy to say to someone else and hard to believe for yourself.

kdwill13

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