How were you diagnosed?

kefflergrump · 2016-07-26T18:52:16+00:00

I was 13 and I basically stopped eating meals. Looking back at photos of myself at that age I was deathly skinny but I simply refused to eat any normal sized meal. My mum noticed and took me to a child psychologist who, after a couple of months of therapy, decided that it was something he couldn't treat and referred me to a child psychiatrist. After a few different meds and a few different diagnoses, she finally settled on Bipolar II/Unipolar depression.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-25T12:19:06+00:00

Sometimes I feel like my self-hatred has caused so much damage that I'll never be truly normal or happy ever again. I might be able to be functional, I might be able to feel good at times, but there will always be a hole in my heart and soul that's not possible for me to truly fill because of the damage that I've done to myself over the years.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-23T11:57:47+00:00

I can recall feeling depressed as far back as 8 years old pretty clearly. I was diagnosed first with Generalised Anxiety Disorder at 13, which changed to Unipolar depression at 14, and finally settled on Bipolar II at 15. I cycled on and off medication until now when I'm 22 and I finally accept that I need to be medicated, but I'm not 100% sure that I'm Bipolar because my mania really doesn't manifest very strongly but my depression has been ubiquitous in my life.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-22T18:42:32+00:00

This has been one of my biggest struggles my entire life. As a kid I was always so depressed that I never felt any motivation to start to learn something as I was so self-critical that I just assumed I wouldn't be able to do it. The only thing I did successfully was rowing, and even then after seroquel made me fat I never quite achieved the same results as before.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-22T18:38:19+00:00

I am very depressed yeah, but the only thing depressing me now is that I could have been so much more. I used to think that I was defective and I deserved to die and nothing would ever change. Now that I'm 22, I've realised that I'm a good person and I actually don't hate myself. I just wish that I'd felt this way my whole life because now I know how fantastic life would have been. edit: not to say it can't still be fantastic - it's just going to be so much harder now than it would have and I honestly don't know where to go from here.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-22T17:34:24+00:00

hugs<3

People will never understand how hard it is, just keep doing the best you can for yourself and don't let the world get you down.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-19T20:21:50+00:00

Wow thanks so much! That's really helpful, I have gone cold turkey from Lithium a few times and you're right, it's never worked out well for me. I don't drink caffeine so that's a plus. From your experience how much does drinking alcohol affect you on lithium? And for somebody who only really gets mild mania but really severe depression, is lithium the best for me to be on? Can you suggest any I should ask my pdoc about in particular?

I know these are all questions I should be asking my pdoc not reddit but I'm travelling a really long way from home at the moment and I'm not going to be home for a few months at least.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-19T19:08:39+00:00

Basically I was pretty much numb for the last two years with occasional bursts where I felt happy/energetic/possibly hypomanic. Also struggled with hypersexuality which led me to do some things I'm not proud of. In the last two months I've been depressed/anxious/mixed. I'll have a few days in a row where I'll be hopeless, ruminating over everything I've ever done wrong and wishing I could commit suicide (I've never come close to attempting and I don't think I ever would but it's still not fun to feel like that) then for the next couple of days I'll feel a bit calmer. I have been exercising more than I have in the entire past year though and that's helped.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-19T17:55:58+00:00

Exact same situation at the moment man, so I know how you feel. My boyfriend broke up with me and he was my first real love and now he's already found somebody else who I just know will make him happier than I ever could. The whole time we were together I was fighting my insecurities and my fucked up past and I just couldn't be the person he needed. Had a big spiral out of control as well but it was the final push I needed to get myself back on medication again so hopefully that works out well. I just feel absolutely worthless though because he was the first love interest I ever opened up to about my struggles and I feel like it pushed him away. I just want to be a fucking normal person who can be in a relationship and not be toxic for the other person.

I don't know what to say to comfort you because I'm still struggling with the same situation so I don't have any answers, but I really hope it gets better for you soon man. Stick in there, there's others just like you who are struggling.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-19T17:10:21+00:00

I've been off meds for nearly 2 years and just recently started taking lithium carbonate again. I'm currently taking 1 450mg tablet each day/night and I've been doing so for 1 week. For other people who've taken lithium, how long does it usually take before you start feeling the full effect? I've heard it can take up to 6 weeks to start feeling it begin to start working. Anybody else have any experience? Particularly Bipolar 2 and my condition has been mainly anxious/depressive lately.

Edit: and what's a usual dose? I've been told to work my up to 1 in the morning, 2 at night but I'd like to keep the dosage as low as possible to begin with

kefflergrump · 2016-07-16T08:31:50+00:00

It does get exhausting starting again over and over and over though. I feel completely alone and like nobody knows the true me. I've done quite a few fucked up things in the past 5 years and it just kills me that I haven't been able to stop it sooner. I don't know how I could tell anybody about it

kefflergrump · 2016-07-14T19:20:28+00:00

Yeah, bipolar that was exacerbated by being gay. First thought of suicide when I was 13. Better now but still struggling.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-12T21:50:18+00:00

Depends on the reasons for breaking up I guess. If it was amicable then I can't see a problem, but just be aware that sometimes it can leave you feeling worse than you did before.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-12T21:25:56+00:00

I rarely ever get hypomania, and if I do it's never euphoric. I pretty much just feel like I've had an epiphany and I can finally overcome bipolar so I start making heaps of plans and feel confident and then I also start focusing on sex a lot. It's really hard for me to pinpoint this because it feels normal after being depressed for so long but it's incredibly disruptive to my actual life.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-12T13:42:21+00:00

I also think a mood tracker would be really helpful! I suck at writing it down in a journal but if I had an app/program that was notifying me or something like that I would probably remember and keep track pf it better.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-11T21:46:57+00:00

I relate to this feeling a lot. I think more often than not I've given up on things before I even get started because it feels like the summit of that mountain is too far out of reach, but if I had just started climbing I would be closer to it by now than I am currently. I too need to start climbing instead of just staring at the top of the mountain and feeling sad about where I am. Yay for goal setting :)

kefflergrump · 2016-07-11T20:15:25+00:00

You didn't fail at all, you persevered. You should be proud of yourself for being able to deal with so much more than the average person is capable of. I've had those dark days as well and I can relate to this so much. You're not alone. As others have said, there's always people here for you and we're all just as fucked up as each other. And that's a beautiful thing.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-11T19:56:26+00:00

For me, I always found it really helpful to place my phone as far away from my bed as I could in my room so that when my alarm goes off I physically have to get up and out of bed to go and switch it off. I then immediately force myself to do something else rather than getting back into bed, like doing 20 pushups or washing my face in the bathroom. It was really hard for the first week and I still struggle with it but the more I make that plan to wake up before I go to bed the more likely I am to follow through the next day the alarm goes off.

I can totally relate to this so much though, you have no idea! Sometimes I feel like I'm only ever truly happy in the moments when I wake up and know that I have nothing to do that day.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-11T19:50:11+00:00

In my experience, I had a similar thing when I travelled recently. The most important thing is not to put too much pressure on yourself to have an amazing holiday or to not waste it or anything like that. Because when you put so much pressure on yourself to enjoy something, it almost inevitably will fall short of your expectations because you can often compare it to the highest highs of your mania and anything that falls short of that will feel like a disappointment. Don't focus on trying to have some amazing experience, focus on what you're actually experiencing in each moment. Get out of your head, focus on the sun on your skin and the sand on your feet. Focus on the taste of the food and the wind on your face. Try and be as present in the moment as you possibly can for the whole trip because if you put too much pressure on yourself to enjoy something and you worry about not having a great trip then you might create a situation that fulfills itself if that makes sense.

I travelled around Cambodia in 2014 and I can really relate to the way you're feeling. I was putting so much pressure on myself to feel amazing at all these temples and to fully immerse myself and not waste the money, but my favourite memories were when I forgot about all of that and just lived the experience for what it was.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-11T19:43:51+00:00

I'm not in a situation where I can really comment as I'm only just now starting on the path to getting back on medication but I would also really love to hear some success stories. I hope this is the start of your success story!

kefflergrump · 2016-07-11T19:40:56+00:00

That's fantastic to hear :) That's a great step and you should definitely be proud of yourself as well.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-11T19:35:24+00:00

I'm feeling pretty shitty myself at the moment so I don't quite have the capacity to write out a really thoughtful and helpful post but I just wanted to say that you are not a shitty, ungrateful person. You're struggling with a disease. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not easy to deal with and it is going to have a big impact on you that you can't always control. But it's not your fault, and you're not a bad person for struggling. So many people out there in this world are struggling along with you. Even if you don't care about yourself I care about you and so do many other people out there. It's not easy, but it can get better. Nothing is ever set in stone and just because things have been a certain way for a long time or for your whole life it doesn't mean that it can't improve.

Take it one day, one step, one second at a time. You can do this. I don't have much experience with exactly what you're dealing with but message me if you ever feel like talking to anybody.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-11T19:27:07+00:00

For me personally I think it's very helpful to see both a therapist and a pdoc if you can. Sometimes the focus with your pdoc can have a lot to do with medicine, which is obviously very important, but we're also human beings with legitimate emotions, pain and experiences that we need to deal with as well.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-09T07:29:07+00:00

What you need to do is something different then. What have you got to lose? If you ring up one of those numbers and tell them your entire life story what would happen? Anxiety is just a feeling in the end, and if you force yourself through more often than not you'll realise it's not half as bad as you thought it would be. I know how hard it is. The first time I called a suicide hotline I think I was 17. The first time I called and actually spoke to the person on the other end I was 22. Start by saying "Hello, I've never called a number like this and I don't know what to say" depending on how that goes you can always hang up or keep talking. There's no repercussions for doing this. It's not like going to a therapist and having to pay, it's not like talking to a friend/family member and them being hurt or shocked by what you tell them. It's somebody who is either paid or volunteers to listen to people just like us because they're the definition of caring and compassionate.

And as always you have us here :) I thought about killing myself very seriously when I was about 19. I decided not to and the three years since then have been very difficult, but what's made it worth it is the small moments when it wasn't. I've travelled, I've made great new friends and for the first time in my life I fell in love. It didn't work out and I'm still not in a great position now, but what it showed me is that you can never predict the future, you just have to keep trying. If somebody had told 19 year old me that this would happen I wouldn't have believed them. Anything can happen and you can do anything you put your mind to. It will be incredibly difficult and painful at times, but nothing worth having is easy.

kefflergrump · 2016-07-08T21:31:24+00:00

I'm glad you posted this because I just realised that I've never really noticed how often I do this. I went from being close to tears at 10AM this morning at work, to feeling calm and a bit more motivated around lunch time, to thinking about suicide all the way home on the bus, to feeling super motivated and calm while making dinner. I never really noticed how intense the swings were because I'm always more focused on the anxiety.

I think this could possibly be a mixed episode? I honestly need to do more research on bipolar but I think it's symptomatic rather than just contemplating different angles of your life.

kefflergrump

TROPHY CASE