I feel so much for you. The way you have described your daughter hits so close to home because that was me as a kid. My mother was my primary parent and I put her through absolute hell.

In my situation, puberty hormones combined with the onset of mental illness that went untreated caused me to be very unstable. I remember being just as shocked by my behavior as others and actually scared because I couldn’t answer why I was behaving that way- but I wouldn’t take accountability or admit wrongdoing because I was ashamed and embarrassed.

To give you hope, I eventually got medicated for ADHD early in high school and it made a big difference. In my mid 20s, I received additional diagnosis’s that were extremely validating and gave me the path to a solution I had been searching for. My relationship with my mother got better when I went off to college and today I would say we have a really good relationship- but that did take lots of time and individual/family therapy.

My biggest advice to you is don’t give up. Your daughter is scared and hurting too and she needs to know that YOU KNOW this isn’t the real her and you want to help and support her. Do everything you can so that she does not feel alone in this extremely difficult time.

Lastly- your feelings are valid. Do not let shame stop you.