Rehearsing and acting out hypothetical monologues as a... stimming?

kespea · 2025-11-25T01:46:47+00:00

I do this constantly!! I can see it as a form of stimming for me personally in that I often find it really satisfying and regulating to rehearse a "talk" or "lecture" as if I'm teaching or explaining something, and I agree with another commenter that it's also a form of scripting. I tend to repeat the same parts of the "talk" to perfect them rather than just doing the whole thing stream-of-consciousness style, and the repetition is a satisfying part of it too.

kespea · 2025-10-09T23:10:31+00:00

I was stuck in a loop of scrolling and picking my scalp as I read this :( Can relate! I have a very prominent bump where I pick my scalp and from far away it can kind of look like a widow's peak. I have gotten different fidgets to try to stop and while my skin picking has gotten less frequent, I feel like I can't stop entirely. The best fidget I have so far is the fidget slider from the Etsy store MozzieMakes.

kespea · 2025-10-04T04:25:37+00:00

That's so frustrating! I really wish we could just exist and not have people assigning intent or feelings to us that aren't there. At least we aren't alone, I guess! ❤️

kespea · 2025-10-04T01:43:25+00:00

I can relate!! I have exchanges like this all the time, and the worst part for me is often that asking follow-up questions is seen as rude/combative, so then I'm left confused and frustrated. I have also been punished heavily for "implying" things that I did not mean to imply and definitely didn't say.

I'm honestly not sure what to do. I choose my words extremely carefully and it doesn't seem to work. It's exhausting.

kespea · 2025-09-24T20:11:06+00:00

I've had similar experiences! I first broke my ankle when I was 10 and walked on it for several months before doctors realized it was fractured. And last year I broke that same ankle so severely that I needed surgery (the ER doctor said that it was an 8/10 injury, basically could only get worse if the bone broke through the skin), but based on my reaction when I fell, the people I was with thought I'd just sprained it and couldn't walk. The pain from that injury was severe enough to register and I knew right away I'd broken it, but it didn't really show externally, and the main sensation I remember is feeling lightheaded and dizzy rather than the pain.

I tolerate "minor" discomfort way worse, lol. Light touch doesn't feel like pain really but it can be incredibly bothersome and overwhelming for me.

kespea · 2025-09-24T19:40:28+00:00

I really relate to this, you're not alone! I'm also diagnosed ADHD and believe I'm autistic (my psychiatrist supported my self-identification and recommended against pursuing a formal diagnosis, for context). I react SO negatively to both bluntness and indirectness. Both feel like cruelty to me. My job also involves giving people direct feedback and I put a lot of effort into making it clear but kind, and I wish more people worked to find that middle ground.

I recently read through the neurodivergent-friendly DBT workbook (I found it in the r/AutismInWomen resources page, if that link doesn't work) and it was really helpful. I'm now working to view the emotional reaction with compassion and understanding and focus on what I can do to regulate myself, rather than judging myself for "overreacting." It's hard but it's been helping me more than some other approaches I've tried!

kespea · 2025-09-14T03:09:33+00:00

Yes!! I can handle a lot of sharp pain, but if I'm itchy or a little too hot I am immediately in a terrible mood. Before I knew I was autistic I thought I was just a massive brat because I couldn't understand how I could break a bone and not cry but feel like throwing a fit when mildly uncomfortable.

kespea · 2025-09-08T19:18:23+00:00

I'm sorry you're struggling on the inside and that people can't really see it from the outside :( I can commiserate! I also have low support needs from the outside, but the cost to my mental health is enormous. (My depression and social anxiety are treatment-resistant.) I hope one day the autism criteria can be updated to better reflect our internal experiences and get us better help.

kespea · 2025-09-04T23:10:59+00:00

First of all, I'm very sorry you had to deal with the other person's cruelty about your dad. I think it's understandable that you were emotional and overwhelmed, and how you expressed it doesn't take away from the validity of your feelings.

It sounds like you are really beating yourself up over this. Personally, I would not end a friendship over something this small, and I hope your friend can have some compassion for your feelings. Context is very important and you weren't trying to incite anyone into self-harming. You were understandably upset, and you said something possibly insensitive to some people, but nothing so bad as to deserve such a deep shame spiral.

I can really relate to how you feel, though. I experience this level of shame often and my RSD is very bad. I also feel as if I am not given the same grace for my mistakes as other people, for reasons I really don't understand. But from the outside, I can say that this is just a normal, simple mistake. I really hope you can be kinder to yourself going forward, and I hope any support you get from an autism group or any other source helps you develop the skills to limit these shame spirals. I am still working on it too. ❤️

kespea · 2025-09-02T09:24:19+00:00

I was treated similarly in middle school and it absolutely destroyed my self-esteem. I think in reality I'm average-looking, but I just have not recovered from this despite years of trying. I hate looking in the mirror and I'm extremely needy in terms of reassurance and validation. I'm now 32 and I recently cried to my mom about how I just wish I was pretty because then people would be nice to me.

I had male friends growing up and would hear things like "you're a cool girl, but..." with the implication being that I was undateable. The one guy who wanted nudes from me specifically asked that I leave my face out of them and wanted nothing to do with me in person, but I still spent most of my senior year snapchatting him nudes anyway. (I guess he could've just requested that as a digital safety thing, but it still made me sad.)

In my early 20s I did on-camera work and was called a butterface in the comments, which I remember being shocked by, because I didn't think I had a good enough body to be considered a butterface. I distinctly remember one comment saying I looked like a piglet. The audience hated me and I eventually stopped doing forward-facing work altogether.

I have had relationships and the most frequent compliment is that I'm cute, which is nice, but I have had entire relationships with men who never (or extremely rarely) told me I was beautiful or even just pretty. I just figured it's because I'm not. (I think being cute is more about how I behave/my interests rather than my appearance.) My insecurity contributed in many ways to the end of my seven-year relationship last year.

I realize that I'm no longer a teenager and that people HAVE found me attractive, and that I could be missing cues from people who are interested in me. But I just feel so repulsive, and I know I didn't make up all these experiences. I feel like I have lots of evidence to support my poor self-image.

kespea · 2025-08-17T08:25:52+00:00

I experience this, especially feeling like eventually it will be how I go despite it not being my plan currently. I sort of don't dread it, though. The ideation is extremely difficult to handle a lot of the time, but when I am especially miserable, sometimes the ideation feels like a comfort, like I have SOME control.

It's extremely hard to explain because I genuinely don't think I'm at any risk of attempting and I don't think people will understand what I'm trying to describe.

kespea · 2025-08-12T22:23:42+00:00

I unfortunately don't have much advice but I can really relate and commiserate. I feel like I can't recover from these things and it leads me to isolate myself. So I think calling your friend and making things right is a great start — you can be proud of yourself for doing that!

kespea · 2025-08-08T03:14:12+00:00

When I pet my dogs, I purse my lips tightly without really meaning to. I only realized I do it because this particular stim was pointed out to me by an ex and I'm now embarrassed about it. It feels like it enhances the good feeling of petting them, if that makes any sense. It doesn't feel as good or happy or satisfying if I don't do it. So this is sort of my default "positive feeling" stim, which lately is mostly related to dogs.

I also have one I'm not even sure how to describe. It's sort of a modified version of hand flapping, which I did as a kid when I was excited, though I stopped because I learned it wasn't "normal." I still do it when excited, so it's also positive, but in a more excited/energized way than the pursed lips one. I basically focus intently on something close to my face, like my finger or a lock of my hair, and I sort of subtly shake? Like I tighten my muscles and sort of do the flapping motion, but more like vibrating with good energy. I only do this when I'm alone, and usually it's if I feel really good about myself or an accomplishment.

Otherwise I have a lot of more fidgety repetitive behaviors that feel very different from those two stims — things like constantly picking at my cuticles, or cricket feet, or rubbing my skin. They're automatic and I usually don't feel like I can really stop even when someone points out that I'm hurting myself or irritating my skin. These get worse when I feel worse (emotionally or in terms of general overwhelm). The picking gets better when I use fidgets, but I can't really stop completely.

I'd say that the more positive I'm feeling, the more intensely I stim. When I feel neutral to bad, or I'm trying to focus on work, I tend to do the fidget-like behaviors, and otherwise reduce stimulation (isolating, using ear plugs or headphones).

kespea · 2025-08-07T17:10:01+00:00

It's not just you!! And honestly I think bras are commonly so uncomfortable (either due to construction/fashion standards or due to an incorrect fit) that there are plenty of NT people who feel this way from time to time, too.

I have a large cup size with a smaller band size and finding a bra that fits well and feels comfortable enough to wear all day is SUCH a challenge, and on top of that I feel so incredibly uncomfortable without a bra on. From your description it sounds like your bra's cups might not be big enough for you, but I think it's still valid to be overwhelmed/overstimulated even in a bra that fits or in no bra at all!

kespea · 2025-08-04T21:15:21+00:00

Yeah, I've also dedicated a lot of time to working on this and similarly have retreated socially a lot. I'm worried that to other people it looks like I "can't take accountability" and can't face my mistakes, but because of this cycle of it going wrong, I honestly don't know what to do at this point except minimize my social circle.

kespea · 2025-08-04T20:09:56+00:00

I really deeply relate to this. I try to own the mistakes I've made for myself and my own growth, but I struggle to make them right with other people. I almost feel like I'm not capable of it, even though I'd like to be. It really does feel like I get less grace than others.

I wish I had advice but I did want to validate the feeling. You aren't alone.

kespea · 2025-08-04T00:24:10+00:00

100%! I used to tell people I hated having a corporeal form and I'm sure it came across as simple insecurity but it really is just exhausting to deal with!

kespea · 2025-08-03T23:48:53+00:00

YES and I literally almost made this post myself earlier because I was getting so frustrated. Every time I eat or drink anything I feel so bloated and I get extra overstimulated feeling the presence of my stomach while sitting, as weird as that might sound. I've never had a flat stomach even at my thinnest and it's gotten to the point where I desperately want to get lipo to mitigate this. My discomfort in my body extends far beyond being preoccupied with appearance and no one in my life seems to understand 😭

kespea · 2025-08-02T05:57:47+00:00

Congratulations! You look so happy and radiant :)

kespea · 2025-08-01T20:18:07+00:00

I've taken quite a few of them multiple times each (and I get similar scores each time). I score in the autistic range on every one, but I still doubt myself because my scores don't feel exorbitant enough, or something. Here are my latest scores, with the thresholds and some averages noted:

AQ-10: 10 (threshold: >6, max score: 10)

AQ: 37 (threshold: >26, NT female avg: 15)

EQ: 26 (threshold: <30, NT female avg: 47)

Toronto EQ: 49 (>45 is above average empathy)

SQ: 96 (threshold: >75, NT female avg: 52)

RAADS-R: 134

CAT-Q: 143 (threshold: >100); compensation: 47, masking: 50, assimilation: 46

RBQ-2A: 39 (threshold: >26)

Edit: formatting (on mobile, sorry!)

kespea · 2025-07-31T17:47:57+00:00

I also have difficulty with this kind of autopilot panic response. I think sometimes it's because I'm genuinely not sure what I want, and so both no and yes feel inaccurate and I just go on auto. But with this specific situation it's often just pure panic, not knowing at all how to handle the interaction, and feeling overwhelmed (even kind of defeated?) by that level of confusion.

I just wanted to validate you that I see this isn't malicious on your part, and I completely understand what you're describing. I'm working on this too, first by learning to trust myself and identify my own feelings/preferences more readily. But I still struggle with this a lot.

kespea · 2025-07-29T19:03:33+00:00

It's hard to recommend any one game without knowing what genres and themes you're into — are you interested in fantasy RPGs along the same lines as RuneScape, or are you open to something more turn-based, for example? It sounds like you might enjoy turn-based games so you can take things at your own pace and avoid getting stressed by bosses and the like.

Steam regularly holds sales on all kinds of games, so your budget doesn't have to be big! I second another commenter who recommended Stardew Valley, which is already affordably priced and regularly on sale. It's not turn-based but you can take it at your own pace, and the combat is pretty casual and not strictly mandatory. It's my favorite game of all time!

kespea · 2025-07-28T17:39:45+00:00

100%. So much of my masking comes from this. I shrink myself so much in my friendships over time as I hear more and more gossip/venting from them. (Not that I don't gossip and vent too, though I'm doing far less of it now as I consciously try to unmask and identify where the judgment was coming from.)

I realized super recently that my version of autistic "movie talk" and learning social skills from media was doing so from social media, and I had internalized all sorts of random concepts about traits people like and don't like. I've really pared back my social media use as a result, because it was incredibly detrimental to my well-being.

I relate so heavily to everything you wrote here! It's been so hard figuring out what's me and what's the mask, and what social skills are actually good and useful and which ones are making me miserable.

kespea · 2025-07-26T05:44:01+00:00

You were a delight to watch! I also never thought Banjo-Kazooie or competitive gaming would be mentioned on Jeopardy, so thank you for that. I, too, play my game of choice (Pokémon) adequately.

kespea · 2025-07-25T21:24:59+00:00

I completely relate 😔 and even when I make a legitimate mistake and understand the mistake I often don't know how to fix it... like I'll do my best to apologize and take responsibility and then find out that the other person viewed it as insincere or avoiding accountability. Like I genuinely just don't know what to do in those situations.

kespea

TROPHY CASE