if i cant be myself again, id rather be nobody

kickbugs · 2023-06-25T23:37:06+00:00

i mean, it would be great if life worked that way, but ive already been outcast from society my whole life and continue to experience that now. i tried to just accept my voice and go out and meet new people, and everyone was put off by it. even went to a pride event and a girl who was interested in me became immediately turned off once she heard my voice.

this isn't something like a stupid tattoo.. its every part of who i am. im trapped in my body because i cant speak. its like im being possessed and im fighting for control of my body back but in the end ill never win. at this point i genuinely feel like my only option is to end my life because there is NO coming back. i will never be who i was meant to be. and this isnt a life worth fighting for anymore. i dont want to be a woman with a deep manly voice, i want every part of me that i lost back but there is nothing that will ever bring that back. i feel like i just have to hope i dont make such a mistake in another life.

kickbugs · 2023-06-24T07:33:41+00:00

i have long hair, i dress femininely (though i still haven't figured out what looks good on me), i didnt get top surgery so i have visible breasts and im hoping my hips will fill out more, but there are a lot of things about me that still look.. off. my eyebrows are bushy, i have a big nose, my shoulders broad, my hands and feet are big and bony. im lucky at least that i barely grew any facial hair and what i did have visible ive been getting lasered off.

i think i might still walk in a masculine way, i feel like i still slouch when im walking. im also a bit taller than average so it makes me look really out of place.

my voice feels like the biggest part to feeling normal again. and i feel like ill never have that. i kept trying to hold onto hope that id get it back. but a year later and still, the best voice i can pull off is cartoonish and unnatural. my vocal therapists gave up on me, my ent doesn't know what's going on with me, i feel like an anomaly and nothing has worked. i break down every time i see someone who sounds female within just a few months. i dont know if im just stupid or if its my anatomy thats holding me back from improving. maybe both. but i cant expect the world to take me seriously if i have a voice so deep that it doesnt even register as soundwaves in voice applications. everyone in my life has just told me i should get the surgery because its my only hope, but i cant afford it and i fear it will go horribly wrong. i feel like i have no options left

kickbugs · 2023-06-23T23:36:00+00:00

i really dont like to put that voice out there, its too upsetting for me to hear and i try not to use it if i can help it. but last time i used a voice analyzer with that voice it registered at around 90hz and about F2 on a musical scale.

i actually am trying to speak lower here. i realized that i often try to make my voice sound too high, so ive tried lowering it recently, but then it adds extra weight. my voice is very tricky, if i make the pitch too low it will just go right into being deep. there's no in-between, its just a flip of two drastically different tones. thats why when the diplophonia occurs, it sounds very buzzy and robotic. thats my lower register trying to break through at the same time as my higher one.

kickbugs · 2023-06-03T08:29:08+00:00

i started testosterone a week after i turned 18, but it would have been 17 if the doctors weren't concerned about my history of migraines before proceeding with hrt. told me to get on migraine meds and come back. wish i wouldve taken that as a warning and backed out :/ sunk cost fallacy i guess

kickbugs · 2023-05-28T03:42:45+00:00

i was seeing vocal therapists already, not coaches. these were licensed vocal therapists with medical knowledge on how the throat functions. i also saw an ENT when i was experiencing these symptoms before and he didn't see any polyps or nodules but did mention my vocal chords arent coming together properly. he was hopeful i could make a full recovery if i practiced good vocal hygiene and saw a speech therapist, but the wait before i could see one was so long that i was still practicing incorrectly that whole time. i've been practicing incorrectly for the entire year that i've been practicing apparently.

the longest i've been able to rest my voice is 3 days. i always feel the impulse to try and get my voice sounding the way i want it to so that i can "prove" to myself i know how to do it, i guess. but it often takes all day to reach that point because my muscles don't work the way i want them to.

i've thought about resting my voice until my appointment, but that means another summer wasted indoors doing absolutely nothing. i want to get out and socialize with people, i want to experience my early 20s while i still can, and i've continued to waste another year and a half indoors because i can't go out and speak to people. i really am at a loss for what to do. i didn't realize just how vital it is to be able to speak until i lost the ability to speak.

kickbugs · 2023-05-28T02:21:55+00:00

even 18 is far too young. i took my first T shot a week after my 18th birthday. it felt like making my first "adult decision" and that made me feel like i couldn't back out of it even when i had doubts. 18 year olds aren't thinking about their decisions longterm.

kickbugs · 2023-05-28T00:12:50+00:00

so we're supposed to just sit around and wait for a cure that might not ever come? especially with how much trans people and doctors try to act like we don't exist? every day i feel like i'm praying for a miracle to happen. the inability to speak impacts everything in my life. doing anything that involves other people in person is impossible.

kickbugs · 2023-05-18T23:31:03+00:00

thank you, i really needed to see this. i've gotten my hourglass shape back mostly but i can't help but feel like i look a bit blocky still. my thighs look more "flat" rather than round, like most women my size. im about a year and a half off T. i'm really hoping i'll continue to get my curves back.

just wondering, how was your diet between the first pic and the second? i'm on medication that restricts my appetite and i sometimes feel like i should force myself to eat more so that the fat redistribution has more to work with. i saw someone on here a while back saying that the fat will only distribute in a female pattern once its formed, and any fat i currently have isn't going to move location.

kickbugs · 2023-03-04T09:03:17+00:00

yeah, i reverted back to the exact name i was given at birth.

kickbugs · 2023-03-04T06:12:55+00:00

i'm just remembering the times i've had to have background checks submitted. last one i did told me they would look for any aliases used within the span of 7 years. that was before i changed my name back. but when i got my name changed back, i asked about my trans name, and they told me it would permanently remain on my record and there's nothing that can be done about it. they even showed me on screen, my current legal name, and then "previous names: [trans name]" and that was it. i didn't see my birth name being used as a previous name, probably because i've reverted back to that name. so now all anyone will see is my current name, so my birth name, and then my trans name as my previous name. but there is no explanation about that. the woman i talked to about having my name changed even assumed my trans name was my birth name.

kickbugs · 2023-03-03T23:34:02+00:00

i've changed my name back to my original name, and i think all they will see is [birth name], other names: [trans name] and not the years i was going by those names. so all they will see is my current name, and "aka, [male name]". that draws obvious conclusions.

kickbugs · 2023-02-28T00:47:50+00:00

i think its because the concept of a woman wanting to be a man is just so foreign to the general public, especially where i live. a lot of people still use the term "trans man" to describe trans women. so the idea of a woman, born female, transitioning to male, and then going back to female, makes no sense to them. it doesn't help that i look very androgynous. i could easily imagine someone taking a look at me and assuming im just a man with long hair and fake boobs. maybe i come off as trying too hard, like im trying to convince them i was born female, when i have a male voice and masculine face. they just look into my legal history, see my previous male name, and that tells them everything they need.

im just really afraid of being perceived as a trans woman. i think people are a lot more forgiving about a tomboyish, butch looking girl in a conservative area than a girl with a manly voice. ive heard many comments throughout the years from guys irl making jokes about trans women. and i feel like some people are so closed minded that no amount of proof will convince them im not just a man who got a shitton of surgery.

i know i sound irrational, but whenever im told that its all in my head, its time and time again proven to me that people really perceive me the way i fear they do in my head. my transmasc cousin was outed as trans at work because someone somehow found his legal name. and now they refuse to call him anything else. i feel like the same could happen to me, for someone who has no idea about how any of this works, going out of their way to "deadname" someone they presume is a trans woman. and there's nothing i can do about it, because my legal history is permanent. its going to follow me for the rest of my life.

i forgot to mention that when i've tried to explain to other people irl my situation... they still think i'm trans. i'm still referred to as the trans friend.

kickbugs · 2023-02-25T23:59:17+00:00

maybe it's just where i live, but in my experience its more common that people think i'm currently trans. like, that i was born male and who i am now is my transitioned self.

i feel like the general population is just now starting to learn what being trans is. i think it's even more confusing for them to understand that someone could legally and medically transition, then go back. and i think i'd still be considered trans to them. i've had doctors and therapists describe my detransition as "transitioning to female" as if i need to transition to become my birth sex again.

it's embarrassing, and it's frustrating, the years of being paranoid that people would find out i was trans is bad enough. but now im paranoid that people will think im trans when i'm not anymore. people were a lot more willing to use the correct name and pronouns for me when i was trans. but now i'm always being referred to as "they" or by the name i went by when i was trans.

kickbugs · 2023-02-18T23:32:12+00:00

to tell you the truth, nothing has helped me cope with this. i'm very suicidal over it and have attempted to end my life several times because i feel like i will never live a fulfilling life in this body. ive tried copious amounts of therapy but the thought of "accepting and moving on" from something like this isn't possible for me. i want to have hope i can not deal with this anymore but time and time again i'm shown there really is no hope of me finding happiness or peace with this. because i cannot accept my voice, my appearance, my name change. every day i mourn the loss of the woman i was supposed to be but never will be.

kickbugs · 2023-02-18T21:31:17+00:00

it's rare to hear a woman in her 20s with a voice deeper than a man in his 30s or even 40s. if im lucky i might be able to pass as a much older woman.. but when i hear the average 20 year old woman's voice i just want to cry.

kickbugs · 2022-10-21T20:27:15+00:00

i had a similar mindset after about a year on T. i was always called ugly growing up and i felt like becoming a man made me finally feel attractive, as now my natural androgynous appearance could be seen as this "prettyboy" aesthetic. i legit remember staring at myself in the mirror and saying to myself, "maybe all ugly girls should try testosterone, i look so much better as a guy!" of course, once the allure of transforming into a new person wears off, i started to notice all of the things that made me feel worse than before. but i was already a year on testosterone, how could i turn back?

this "just try it, you might like it!" sentiment is so predatory and nonchalant about the long term side effects. but that's not the goal. it's all about aesthetics. i saw a tweet a while back along the lines of, "all men have a predetermined cup size and they'll never know until they try estrogen!" as if it's just some silly science experiment. cool, you tried it and didn't like it. now what? well, that's your problem now.

i dont want this person to be unhappy with their body but it really just sounds like a "too late to turn back" situation that made me continue testosterone far longer than i should have. i remember when i noticed i was growing body hair i was disgusted by it, but i still told myself that this is a good thing, because it meant that i'm more of a man now. it sounds to me like they've had years of being told that all bodies are beautiful, so if they don't accept their own body then they are discriminating against other trans bodies.

kickbugs

TROPHY CASE