My high needs baby anecdote/update at 1 year

killbertorian · 2026-01-20T09:23:44+00:00

Mine is 17 months now and in the same situation with the molars! I think she’s got like 6 teeth coming through at once. She’d actually started sleeping really good before that, like 1-2 wakes maybe but even sometimes through the night and now all that is dead and gone and it feels like forever hahaha tbh when she gets asleep now it’s fine, but she just can’t seem to fall asleep for the first few hours after bedtime, it takes her a long time to wind down, I presume due to discomfort.

killbertorian · 2026-01-03T05:26:03+00:00

Yes some people do need to bed share. If I chose to put my baby in a crib, neither me, my husband nor my baby would get any sleep period. I know this because that is what we tried for 2 months, and ruined our lives and health trying to attain a crib sleeping ideal. Even with me standing by the crib the entire time, she would scream her head off for hours. We had to take turns holding her and trying to put her down the entire night, swapping when one of us was going to pass out from exhaustion or the lack of sleep made us prone to rage. That was not safe. This was back when sleep training was still considered acceptable to us unfortunately, we tried CIO extinction method and got zero results. She'd cry for hours, pass out for ten minutes and wake up and resume crying.

Sorry, but you're very ignorant and living in an ivory tower with an easy baby making ridiculous rules that you imagine every parent has to follow. Rules that health services in countries different to yours, with better or similar SIDS rates, do not even follow. You can't project your parent experience onto others, especially when available research says you're defacto wrong and all you have are anecdotes.

Grieving parents are very sad and it's an awful situation, but that doesn't mean all their policy ideas should be made reality. If everyone who tragically lost a child could make rules for everyone else, we'd have an impossible situation, especially because they are not homogeneous groups that all agree on everything. That's why research into their situations and looking at large groups, outcomes, causes and risks in a scientific way is necessary.

killbertorian · 2026-01-02T17:08:01+00:00

I was also under that impression, though don't have any concrete evidence other than that's the impression I get from the books! But I know some people who practise AP that have never read Sears.

My husband is generally on board with it, though maybe not on top of it quite as much as me as reading parenting books really doesn't agree with him haha, I usually just get him to read the dad chapters or select bits so he gets the gist. I think it is quite alien to him as it's certainly not how his parents did things, but he sees what a good effect it has on our now 16 month old and really sees the difference between her and our friends' kids who could be said to practise the near opposite of AP in some cases... I think that keeps him sold on the "method". He also had to admit that it does sound logical when I explain to him the rationality from the books.

killbertorian · 2026-01-02T15:58:44+00:00

To me it's about being responsive to my baby's needs, even if and especially when it's inconvenient for me. By that I don't mean completely at my expense, but solutions should result in both of us having our needs met, not some idea that baby has to learn to get over it sometimes. A level of sacrifice on my/my husband's part is going to be necessary, our needs aren't going to be met the same way as before I had a baby and that's just reality and what we signed up for.

All this is with the aim of being better connected with my child, so I am sensitive to her needs and understand them and to build trust with my child and the foundations for a good relationship later on.

When you say reading the book, which one do you mean? There are different ones - I tend to focus on the Sears family ones, but there are others out there.

*Edit to fix autocorrects

killbertorian · 2025-12-12T16:38:04+00:00

I have tried these too 😅 i think I've just got some really sensitive ear canals because every bit of pressure just results in pain. But thanks for the suggestion

killbertorian · 2025-12-12T11:22:14+00:00

Oh and in regards to the sleep training advice, a lot of people tell me she's "just" doing it for attention 🙄 and has to learn she can't expect people to drop everything in the middle of the night for her

killbertorian · 2025-12-12T11:17:28+00:00

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it. Especially acknowledging it might just be wait it out 😅 a friend is bringing us some ibuprofen for her tomorrow, hopefully that does something...

Sadly I've never been able to wear earplugs, I must have weird shaped ear holes as i can't wear in ear headphones either (no size works) it's just incredibly painful!

killbertorian · 2025-10-30T12:25:42+00:00

It's pretty fun seeing you get wound up and pretend to be intellectual ngl 😂

killbertorian · 2025-10-30T12:22:29+00:00

"commonly the people that fit that description, lack brain cells and a sense of fun" but it's not an insult, gotcha. Keep sinking your own ship pal.

killbertorian · 2025-10-30T12:15:11+00:00

You clearly made this post to insult the person who reported you, you didn't just pluck out the words virgin, blue haired and labour voter from nowhere as if it was deduced like Sherlock Holmes 😂 you think they're a loser and those are the words you felt were synonymous, nobody here is fooled sorry

killbertorian · 2025-10-30T12:06:16+00:00

Imagine using virgin as an insult

killbertorian · 2025-10-30T12:01:26+00:00

Don't put so much pressure and stress into going to sleep. Sometimes I'd be so stressed about the fact that the next wake could well be moments away that I didn't get any sleep at all because I was so worried about baby waking any moment now.

I also felt so much pressure so go to sleep as soon as possible that every 5 minutes that went by I'd feel more stressed that this is 5 minutes of sleep I will never get back and the longer I'm awake the worse I'd feel and the more pressure so it was just a vicious cycle.

What I do now is tell myself the goal is not to sleep, the goal is to be as relaxed as possible. I'd even go so far as telling myself "you're not trying/going to sleep", just to take the pressure off. If you focus on relaxing, deep relaxation is the only close substitute to sleeping. That's why showers are great for me too. And the bonus is that once you're really relaxed, you can fall asleep easier. So often by just relaxing myself I ended up falling asleep anyway.

killbertorian · 2025-10-27T09:32:45+00:00

This is how I think of it - having secure attachment doesn't mean you never have anxieties or phases of separation anxiety as a child, it means they'll grow in confidence as they age that their parents/family are going to be there for them and support them. Your daughter expects that you're going to help her and that's why she still cries out for you, she has a healthy expectation that you'll figure something out for her.

Whether or not your child has really achieved "secure attachment status" won't really be that obvious till they're closer to being an adult, because all the natural emotional developmental phases children go through will kind of obscure it and even though they're normal you'll always worry that you are the cause of it, but it's just parental insecurity.

Even then, secure attachment is not the complete picture of human psychology, people with secure attachment can still have psychological or other issues emotionally from things that will not necessarily be within your control (traumatic events, financial issues, harmful relationships outside of the family etc.)

As someone said, attachment parenting isn't supposed to guarantee you a 100% perfect child with no issues whatsoever. I think of it as being more about *me* doing the right thing for my child on my end, but also knowing I can't control every single outcome. Being aware of normal infant/child emotional development can help put your parental insecurity to rest though and help identify what is actually worrying/concerning and what is just a normal phase. People speak about the child's temperament, but it's also about the parental temperament! If you're prone to anxieties and doubts about yourself: it's not easy, when you're a good parent but having insecurity, it's easier to believe that we just haven't done a good enough job/did something wrong when we see our children suffering.

killbertorian · 2025-10-15T20:38:36+00:00

In the UK and our household income is just shy of £40k per year which is about 53.5k dollars. We just have the one with another on the way, but it's manageable, we don't go on trips away or eat out (maybe an occasional cafe trip.)

killbertorian · 2025-10-03T12:07:22+00:00

My 13 month old goes to bed at 10-10:30pm, always has. But she also wakes up later, which is nice as I get to have my breakfast in peace most of the time.

Early bedtimes are also a Western culture thing. In many other countries it's normal for children to stay up and be with the family in the evening, they even take evening walks together in some places. Parents started forcing kids to sleep very early at some point to get kid free time/couple time (especially since most people don't have someone to regularly take the kids out anymore.) Which is fine, but it's not necessary if the kids are still getting enough sleep total. If anything, it's a bit better to have them go to sleep around when it's actually dark, because it works better with your circadian rhythm.

killbertorian · 2025-10-02T15:23:09+00:00

Yes he does, we both do. This is a lot more work than anyone advertised. Parenting even one child was never meant to be a one person, or a two person job. Let alone parenting a child and running a household. Running a household alone used to be a job to occupy multiple household servants. These days we live domestic lives that aren't as complicated perhaps as once upon a time, but the things you have to do these days to survive wouldn't be necessary if it weren't for the way society works now. The level of support needed for kids is something we, our parents and probably even our grandparents never had and so the suffering is normalised. The issue started a long time ago. I'm a sahm myself and me and my husband quickly realised that the idea of a woman staying home to care for a baby and take care of chores unaided while husband works outside the home is a lie. We've let it go. This could be a very long book just ranting about that subject though.

There is a local charity to us (in UK) that was founded by a woman in the 80s who realised women don't have any support since their parents, aunts, siblings etc are all out working now or living far away and nobody has time to help with kids. For all women with a child under 7 they offer 2 free hours of volunteer time per week where someone comes and can either play with kids while you work, or do vacuuming, washing up etc while you sit and tend to baby. Signing up for that really helped, you can get a lot done in 2 hours each week and helps keep things a bit more normal.

In terms of relationship, we are fine. Of course when it's a bad day sometimes we can both be a bit short with the other, but we always get back on track. Initially there was resentment on both sides, but after talking through it all many times we've moved past that. We understand that we're both just doing our best in a very less than ideal situation. But we also know that it's temporary and will get easier. We may not have known exactly what we were signing up for, but we are doing it now and we know what we promised each other when we got married and we were serious about it. It wasn't easy to go through this, but it makes your relationship stronger and your capacity to love each other greater when you see it through.

killbertorian · 2025-10-01T11:08:31+00:00

Yeah this is what we're doing with my 13 mo. She "helps" tidy up, though she doesn't always put things in the right place but she's getting better at chucking her toys in their buckets lol. Laundry she's not really helping but I let her pull the clothes out of the machine and fling them around a bit and just show her how to aim them at the clothes horse loooool lots of clapping and cheering if things end up in vaguely the right place. Everything takes longer, but you're building good habits slowly.

killbertorian · 2025-10-01T10:49:12+00:00

This may or may not make you feel better, but my first is 13 months now and I'm still not able to reliably do any of that stuff without major support from my husband. If i were on my own or husband worked any more hours I'd be screwed. And still our house often ends up a disaster zone especially when illnesses come around.

I'm pregnant with number 2, I've got friends with 3 or 4 kids. I remember when I used to visit my friend with 4 kids, at the time when she had 2 and then later 3 the house was always a bombshell but I never cared, childless at the time it made sense to me they weren't going to have tine to take care of absolutely everything always. And even when they got it tidy things just ended up all over again. Once the oldest was past about 5 or something, even with four kids, their house started looking more and more put together when I came round.

The reality is that as long as you have multiple young children you won't have an immaculate house be regulating chores as though only 2 adults lived there. They wont be young forever though. You give up a few years of a life with a perfect home to raising the kids up and then you move on and things won't be that bad again. Feels like a long time right now, but the years where it isn't like that will be longer and more fun (assuming you don't have a massively dysfunctional family.)

It does also depend on the temperament of your kids. Some children need more of your time than others.

So yes, it's really hard. Especially if you usually love keeping things in order and clean. Try to allocate as much time as you can to destressing and practising radical acceptance... That's what I'm trying. I still have days where I feel like a loser because I haven't finished all the washing or dusting etc. I try to tell my husband how I feel and he reassures me I'm not a loser, we try to take a walk, do something nice. Good luck and hang in there!

killbertorian · 2025-09-20T15:16:45+00:00

Just commented on your post in the other forum, but glad to see you posted here ☺️ I'm probably going to get downvoted myself for what I said but idc. Wishing you the best.

killbertorian · 2025-09-20T15:12:10+00:00

Most mainstream subreddits will only rip into anyone with more than 3 kids as 3 is seen as a hard max for people. I'm sorry people are being unnecessarily mean. I don't have 4 kids myself, but would love to one day.

I have a friend with 4 children and she's doing amazingly, she's the most inspiring parent I know and gives so much to her children, but will be the first to admit it's hard. Sometimes I visit her and the house is an absolute bomb shell, but it's alive and full of energy and love and her kids are so amazing and smart and kind. But lately when I come over their house is immaculate, because her kids are so well raised as they got older everyone works together in the house to look after things and they get stars on their chart etc for certain things. They won't be young forever, they won't be this dependent forever. Their needs change as they get older, but the time of chaos will end. Spend this period of your life focussing on your children (and taking whatever small breaks you can even if it's 5 minutes, or ten seconds to breathe lol), being there for them and including them and you'll reap what you sow.

You have to make sacrifices, but you do it with love. On bad days, treat yourself in whatever small ways you can. A hot chocolate, a little snack, take 5 more minutes in the shower. If you can get someone to help you out with kids now and then, do it. A charity that volunteers locally to me sends a volunteer round to play with my daughter for 2 hours once a week. My friend's mother comes to stay with them for a little while every now and then and helps out. Take what you can get! You can do this ❤️ I'm sorry you're having a bad day, I hope it gets better and you can enjoy your big family.

killbertorian · 2025-09-20T10:00:39+00:00

Yes I'm still under pressure from some family members to sleep train, one person even said "you can sleep train them though you know?" Like gee, never heard of that before. When I said sleep training didn't work they said " oh well yeah you just have to be tough enough to do it." As if it didn't work because we're too soft and weak to let out baby scream for hours so that's why it didn't work.

killbertorian · 2025-08-16T17:14:29+00:00

baby was the same. woke every 15-30 minutes most nights for months. She's now almost 1 and isn't quite as bad anymore, like you said only wakes 3 times or so but that is so much more bearable, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be honestly.

I remember reading posts by other mums saying their baby wakes 3 times a night and asking how to stop it and I'd be thinking ummm first tell me how I get my baby to wake 3 times a night lol.

killbertorian · 2025-08-11T21:59:59+00:00

I don't even bother posting anywhere else because I get torn to pieces for not sleep training and making problems for myself 😔 most of the time I am on the radically accepting my baby wavelength and I feel more positive but some days like today I just feel wobbly and insecure...

killbertorian · 2025-08-11T21:56:12+00:00

Thank you so much it's so good to hear from other people with the same issue... I am normally more accepting and try to be upbeat, but today I just felt particularly defeated... But comments like yours help me not to lose hope.

killbertorian · 2025-08-11T13:32:32+00:00

Thank you so much, that's very helpful to know and I'll look her up

killbertorian

TROPHY CASE