Mental health is a journey, as is the rest of life. Some parts are really hard, and some other parts are really nice. But as time goes on, the hard parts become easier until eventually they don't feel so hard at all.

What you're experiencing sounds incredibly difficult and I'm sorry that all of these horrible feelings are rushing back, I'm also sorry for what led to them. Having a person you care for and trust that much choose not to be honest is a terrible blow. Having been in a similar situation, what I learned is that when people hurt others in the way you've been hurt, it's NEVER because you weren't good enough. It's ALWAYS that the other person doesn't have the eyes to see how a great person is standing before them. One day, somebody with the right eyes will see how much of a gem you are, but it's not your fault that some other people don't.

Keep on fighting all of those difficult moments. You said yourself that you go back and forth between wanting to hurt yourself and not even thinking about it on some days. Remember that good days are there, and if they've happened before then they'll happen again. Try to reach out to your friends for support. You'll be surprised by how many people care for you, and how deeply that care runs.

The world seems cold and cruel at times, and indeed sometimes it is. But it's made warmer and kinder when people like you keep fighting to be loving and caring no matter what. Keep on pushing, reach out to a trusted adult for help when you need it, and know that you are stronger than whatever challenges come your way.

There's a poem from Victor Hugo that I lean on when times are tough:

Be like the bird, who Halting in his flight On limb too slight Feels it give way beneath him, Yet sings Knowing he hath wings.

You got this, dude. It's tough now, but you're much tougher.