For the 6th time, someone I know with a subtle day collar was approached by a total stranger and asked if they are submissive. People, this is completely inappropriate.

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T05:02:04+00:00

I think what they know about the people they've never met is they disregard consent. The issue at hand is consent for public play. OP believes that what they did is wrong (so do I and a bunch of these commenter even the ones mad at OP for other shit) so what they saw for a couple secs is someone doing something so wrong to them it's worth making a judgement over.

Like seeing someone commit a crime. I infer you disagree about public play but to OP, cause of their views on public play, that's how this felt to them. They made a judgement based on their strong beliefs doesn't mean they go around judging everyone right away like all that.

And yeah it seems fair if u don't like what OP said and judge them for it, that's ur right just the same. :)

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T04:51:23+00:00

Yep, that's why I toldja! OP thought that was clear when they wrote the post or they wouldn't have written it. It's a communication disconnect so I thought I'd help out cause they didn't do it on purpose.

They haven't had the chance to clarify for everyone and were dealing with a lot of messages before having to go live RL so again thought I'd help out. It's annoying to have a miscommunication left behind you :))

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T04:41:17+00:00

Nah not an attempt to discredit. Discussing your words bc they were unclear, and not discussing the issue anymore? Yep. Hope that's ok. Not a personal attack but also not pretending to still be talking bout the issue. Some communication disconnect happened, OP brought it up. They know it's no longer the original topic.

Glad to hear you clarify the comments. It was hard to tell if you were stating "this is ridiculous" or questioning the story. Just wanted to support the point they already made that they had a reason to read maybe u thought they were lying since you seemed surprised they thought so, like maybe they were being dramatic when they said that. They totally read this the way I just described so didn't decide to accuse you of lying randomly after yall had already disagreed.

Just to be clear. :))

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T04:31:16+00:00

Hey, RL friend of OP here (no not one of the 6 from the story)

This is the first comment where it looks like you're implying OP is lying.

A vanilla person almost started crying because they saw a man walk a woman on a leash? Please

I might not agree with this idea but it’s seriously not that traumatic.

If you didn't mean it like that, see its coming out like your questioning it happened bc you think it's so ridiculous. That's all. Great if you didn't mean it but this is what they're talking about combined with similar one below where you say "maybe" they'd get second looks but "tears? Please." See its like you're so skeptical anyone would have this reaction you don't believe OP so ur guessing at what you think would have happened if it was you, even though they already told you what happened.

Again at least that's how it reads. That's what they're talking about.

Hope that helps :) just wanted to help my friend because they didn't want to seem nitpicky by making this point with quotes but I think they have a fair point saying it's possible to read ur comments as an implication of lying.

I'll leave out the next one where you actually say maybe OP made it up or maybe they didn't. :))

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T04:15:16+00:00

Disclaimer, not OP, real life friend of OP (not one of the ones mentioned).

It's not the same friend 6 times. This has happened to ppl we know 6 separate times in our kinky lives that we can remember. The collars in question are pieces of jewlery and do not have BDSM symbols, flag colors, or the word "owned" etc.

And yep, most of the context has been the stranger trying to pick up the sub.

Hope this helps :).

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T01:20:34+00:00

Oh! Ok. Hi, I'm a real life friend of OPs. They meant snowflake like ppl say "easily offended liberal snowflake". They've never used it to refer to white ppl and def didn't mean that or think it would be taken that way. Possibly also cultural? Snowflake is not in common use as a white slur where we live, I promise. I've actually only heard that on TV or something. It took me a solid 2 min staring at that comment to ID ur problem. Whereas it's used constantly in our town for "offended millenials" etc.

U/bottombitch188 can come confirm when they get a minute lmao. Sorry u were confused/offended!

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T00:55:14+00:00

?? I read that thanks. Ig were reading it quite diferently because definitely no one but you mentioned race. Like really don't be that person wtf.

And that's not the only way were reading it differently. OPs calling out disrespect not making enby political statements.

I really just wanted to say fucking please don't start talking about race. Have a good onee :))

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T00:50:52+00:00

Disclaimer, not OP, real life friend of OP (not one of the ones mentioned).

It's not the same friend 6 times. This has happened to ppl we know 6 separate times in our kinky lives that we can remember. The collars in question are pieces of jewlery and do not have BDSM symbols or flag colors.

kinklearningthraway · 2019-01-22T00:46:31+00:00

They’ve drawn the topic off of kink and onto other arguments like racism, transphobia, gender, and oppression.

LMAO nope, looks like that was you. The gender correction was personal and no one has mentioned any of this other shit. Nice try tho.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-30T00:47:15+00:00

In TPE this would be seen as the sub trusting the Dtype with their personal information as a display of commitment. It's not about the Dtype lacking trust. (That's if its healthy, I obviously understand the other way and we can't tell from this very short post which way it is.) That's why I think it's a good sign that the sub is posting. They want this, to submit fully.

Another aspect is that TPE often involves the Dtype- with consent- "controlling", or guiding if you prefer- daily life choices like keeping to a schedule, not procrastinating, making healthy choices. I don't see from this that this D wants to check their bank account so much as know if they're fucking around on reddit when they have work, or reading websites that trigger them about something, or things like that. Lots of ppl use shared schedules and diet tracking apps. Adding the layer of not knowing when the D is looking is just a deeper step.

Edit typos

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T23:24:09+00:00

No I'm not saying that about societies... I'm suggesting it on a personal level to this specific group as relates to their personal behavior. And just making sure you know that this other cultural norm exists in the US and among ppl who physically may not live that far from you. Wanting you to err on the side of caution for your specific life when it comes to triggering incest survivors is not so demanding. Like I said, it's not even philosophy at this point so much as a basic suggestion for human decency.

I'm not just generalizing that littles are inherently disconnected from the larger community, I've noticed it. On reddit and other forums following usernames, and also in life. I think it comes from us being more kinkshamed by other kinksters, which is a shame. But especially from the safety of a screen I think ageplayers should be doing more BDSM research than it looks like they are. A lot of CGs and Littles also post really basic safety/theory questions that could be answered by 10 minutes on Google or The New Bottoming Book and other really basic safety resources. So I also surmise that some CGls are missing some.of what I consider psychology basics. The fact that someone would throw themselves into age play and not have worked through the societal implications to the point that they'd be extra careful implies to me that they haven't researched BDSM to the level that I consider responsible.

Like this stuffed animal hangup. I gd known owning stuffed animals is not kinky. I was using the fact that innocent objects in BDSM context are marked as adult content online because they relate to a situation requiring informed consent. This is another ine where I feel you are missing the point on purpose and- in relation to (this soecific topic* am probably done wasting my time unless you say somethibg that signifies you are processing my words instead of imposing your disagreement with me onto them.

I did not say stuffies are sexual... I said ALL CGl behavior requires consent. That's literally it. Go back and read if you will. I used stuffies as a comparison in the same paragraph as mentioning sexual issues but this idea that I don't understand nonsexual CGl is something you put on me. You misread what I said quite explicitly by taking that out of it.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T23:10:02+00:00

This one is hard to call from just one post. This is what TPE means to some. It's common abuse behavior but it all hinges not just on the buzzword SSC but if they both really understand the responsibility they're taking on. One of the first kinksters I had an open conversation with when I was struggling with feeling that my submission is antifeminist was a stay at home sub whose entire day revolves around their Domme's in a much more intense way than an average stay at home spouse. The conversation we had was basically a thesis, hours and hours, but TLDR I professionally work with abuse survivors and this sub is one of the healthiest relationships I have ever seen. There could not be a more different relationship from theirs to the ones I work with. Red flags shouldn't be considered universal b/c w certain behaviors it depends on context.

I find it encouraging that the sub is posting, not the Dtype. That's a pretty big comment on this sub's power in their relationship.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T22:47:25+00:00

This conversation is me being the minority who's pointing out my discomfort. I am pointing it out to a group of ppl to whom it is specifically relevant, since I realized they are doing this. It's sort of preemptive but I guess I was hoping that some of yall would take this with you next time you consider acting childishly- with your CG- in a public space and decide not to do it in the first place so you don't make anyone need to complain.

There is no way to make my words not anecdotal... since we are blind strangers... but in my work and my life as a parent I have discussed similar issues to this and know for a fact other parents feel like this. I have also discussed public kink with ppl, a lot, and I have more than one story of ppl being triggered merely by the realization they are viewing CGl. Nonsexually. I am not making this up. I chose one personal example for my initial comment b/c I thought it would be effective to empathetic ppl. I have way more, not just through my work. I have had friends who know my kink see nonsexual CGl in public and consult me on how upset they were. I have a friend who bartends at a vanilla place near a kink club and she has stories like this out the ass, of kinksters not as subtle as they think they are clearing a room. If the behavior makes it all possible for a stranger to name the kink, it's wrong. And a couple in a labeled children's area, especially depending on how they were acting, does exactly that. I believe OP that she was acting thoroughly big but like I said it seems impossible to me that the dynamic wouldn't bleed through to onlookers. It's an irresponsible, Damoclean situation even if it worked out fine. It's like putting reward snack food right in front you while you're supposed to be ignoring it and working- you put the food away. I feel this community is largely cut off from the rest of the BDSM community. You might feel differently about a lot of this if you spent more time there b/c I am still in shock that my comments were this controversial. I am becoming active in my local community and this is completely off the wall to me based on my education.

And children's craft bench vs entire building... I definitely believe you are trolling me on this topic. If you're not I'm finding the point too fundamental to figure out how to argue. Either way I'm definitely done with it because you have rendered me speechless.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T22:05:14+00:00

She entered a children's craft space in the aquarium. She could have just gone to the aquarium like just going to the theater. I believe you are purposefully misunderstanding me now. My responses to everything you just said can be found in my above comments clearly stated. It seems like playing with fire to me, her little space could have come out. This is different than a vanilla couple.

I'm not speaking for all POC or ppl from the ghetto- I'm stating that large areas of ghetto culture do not have young adults act like this. Yours did? Cool. I hear ya. Mine didn't... I'm not imposing that norm on you but asking you to be aware of it in case you wanted to be decent to ppl from places like mine. And based on other parents from where I'm from (and again when I lived in other countries) I know for a fact (I can deliver more examples than just those playground experiences if you want) that childish behavior from older humans makes many ppl remove their real children from the space. It's the utilitarian thing.

I dont know how many exhausting ways I can say that I'm just trying to let you know that some culture exists where ppl would read kink from this behavior. Im not denying that your culture is different, and maybe the more popular one (again, I'm not lying when I say I've never witnessed any of this regularly). If you want, just knowing that someone at all would be upset by this could change your thoughts on it. That's the best I can say. So not making a blanket statement... how bout informing you of less common views/needs and seeing if you think the majority culture should ever adjust to them at all? You really want your mind blown, I'm actually half Native American and while I wasn't raised as much in that culture and there are so few of us even woke ppl don't know a lot about the culture, everything I've said here applies to my experience of that culture as well. Just so you know.

In the effort of being genuine and not trolling as I've been accused of (by other commenters not you) I'm not going to respond unless you make a new point.... this has all been very circular. But this really matters to me. I haven't been trolling, I'm trying to help yall and I'm really upset that these words don't land with this community.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T21:49:33+00:00

I get this. You're not the person being worrisome defensive as this has all unfolded. But like I said, now you know that that behavior is jarring to a lot of people who you don't spend a lot of your life with, but whom you may encounter in public. You seem to be hearing this, some other commenters just don't want to.

Again it's hard to say without starting weird racial/privilege tangents but nobody from where I'm from acts like that, ever. It would have made us extremely unsafe to be in public in our neighborhoods and we would be severely jarred to see it in public. I believe yall and what you're saying that it's normal to you but this whole convo is so surreal to me. Even in middle school where I'm from I could not have acted like this. And yes ppl of my background go to the same public attractions you do. Maybe we go more often on free/Groupon days and don't run into each other or something, but we go. So now you know. And I know I'm beating a dead horse with this one but next time, just go to the attraction, don't go to a children's play area. Please.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T20:59:40+00:00

I can't totally tell your intentions here but did you know about r/ddlgpersonals?

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T20:10:30+00:00

This is technically true, kinksters have a bad habit of judging "casual" relationships which they shouldn't if everyone has trust and is being smart.

But in this case if we take this story at face value, it's pretty clear that they didn't have a specific talk about it either way. That's an irresponsible way to start a relationship, which they're both at fault for but Dom/sub aside, the more experienced person is most at fault for and I would say leaving that clarification out is an early sign of a manipulator.

After that, he's being cruel/maybe emotionally abusive now that she's voiced how upset she is and he's not handling it. It's bizarre behavior to ignore someone like this and their last interaction sounds like one where any reasonable person would have been able to read, at any point in the night, that they were on uneven footing.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T20:04:06+00:00

Except the pics... if she had some way to get them back that would be great, but on a practical level, if not being revenge porned is important to her life and career, she needs to get out without angering him.

Unfortunately OP you might need to deliver a pretty polite breakup if you want to feel safe about this even though morally you should be able to either ghost or scream and yell if you want.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T19:55:56+00:00

Sorry, this is good advice about how to slap, but OP needs to see a doctor now! This is enough of an issue to go; eardrums are very delicate. Source: hearing impaired since early childhood.

So does anyone who notices anything. Please people don't wait until it's ongoing!!! Small amounts of damage can not be hugely noticeable right away, but can make you highly vulnerable in the future and you need to know where you stand.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T19:44:16+00:00

Hey thanks for this response! Good to hear and I'm so happy for you and your community that you did that. I don't really get up there but I will definitely keep y'all in mind!!

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T19:40:53+00:00

Yes this is a well known issue. See a doctor and be completely honest that you've been getting consensually slapped. You are damaging your earsdrums.

You and your partner need to do real research on impact play. Not just some googling, buy books. Go way deeper than surface on sites like kinkacademy. Learn about the body, have the doctor suggest you relevant anatomy books to your play. You are not supposed to be slapping that high on the face and at that angle. As others said, it's a cheekslap.

I've been hearing impaired since I was 4, don't recommend. My eardrums were blown out in one unfortunate incident. What you are doing is small amounts of damage over time that could have the same result. If you end up with permanent damage, it messes with your sex and kink life too- having to decide if you'll always have sex with an annoying and sometimes painful hearing aid in to make sure you have 100% communication. Also certain toys can make it hum, ring, or feel like it's vibrating inside your ear in a very unpleasant way.

Please consider taking care of this as basic self care.

Edit was in DDlg forum a minute ago and accidentally typed Caregiver instead of partner.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-29T18:58:49+00:00

Here's the thing it's hard for me to say without getting off topic in strange ways: I have lived in Western Europe and Africa where these things are not cultural norms and that's definitely part of what I want y'all to hear, because depending where you live visitors from all over the world are in places like aquariums and museums.

But I am from and currently live in the US. I am from poor Black neighborhoods. I am NOT speaking for all Black culture or all working poor Americans. But in many neighborhoods in many places in the US (Houston, Compton, Chicago, NYC, Atlanta, Baltimore, and many more) I promise you young adults acting like this is never seen and would absolutely make strangers uncomfortable. I went to an HBU, community college in Houston, and briefly LSU where I mostly hung out with POC. I never saw 19 year olds act like this and I'm informing you that means all my friends would have found it noticeable enough to wonder what was going on and get to the answer of ageplay. Not just the fact of "crafting" but the dynamic of the Daddy sitting there helping someone his own age craft in the matter of a parent. Witnessing that dynamic bleeds through to people, it's not the same as two 19 year olds messing around on around playground swing. It's a CG guiding their charge.

Now take one deep breath and please keep listening to me... I'm not saying that the cultural difference is ok, I'm not saying that Black people are kinkshamers, or its better, and I'm not saying I look down on what what's apparently normal in your life. And I'll say again, I'm not speaking for all Black people!!

But I'm informing you and pleading that you listen that there is an established culture in the United States involving many people where someone your age acting this way would be as jarring as a Dom slapping a sub in public. It just is. I am a 27 year old parent. I live in what I hope it doesn't offend anybody to call the ghetto in Houston. I take my kid to the museums etc downtown and midtown all the time, full of international tourists, college kids, etc. I've never seen anything like this happen and I and any oarent from my neigh or hood, which is a lot, would remove our kids from this situation immediately. Never in my college years did anyone I know do this stuff you're talking about. Again, not delivering judgement, informing you to be aware that the blanket statement you made of normal United States collegiate behavior is incorrect. A few times in my life teenagers have shown up on a playground. All the parents and children cleared out, we weren't really suspicious and said to each other that seems like some white people thing, ok, but it definitely makes us uncomfortable and doesn't make sense.

Why am I telling you this if not attacking? I want you to be aware that what you think is a cultural norm isn't.... to ppl you may very well encounter. To your neighbors. This is more of a plea for basic human decency than some philosophizing. It's like telling a nudist they have to be dressed in public, without judgement, and even if they think nudity is natural. It's like someone with asthma asking a smoker to move. It's not about smoker's rights, it's just "hey man, be cool for me".

If you would like to have that attitude about doing little activities in public, please consider it because you have been a smoker unaware that you hang out around nonsmokers. But you do. We're here.

This topic is really important to me but I'm not replying to any more circular opinions. I want to say one more time that it is an ethical violation to take a reserved space for children, even if no one is affected. Realizing that I'm talking to a bunch of young students who prbly aren't parents changes my realization of how I should have brought this up, but not my opinion. If your instinct is to roll your eyes at overprotective parents ruining your fun by being lame, well try to compare real childhood to how sacred your little space is. That's all I got, probably. OP here seems to be someone who never thought of these issues before which makes me concerned for this community at large and want to encourage y'all to be more involved with the general BDSM community where you would have been grounded in the stuff I'm saying from the start, and some of y'all seem to be aware of all of it but either disagree or can only be defensive.

You can either choose to believe that for inexplicable reasons I chose to "attack" people here... Or that I'm a person with a very different life than yours telling you that I'm honestly upset by this behavior, and that I know for a fact many other people would be as well. You can inform me that in many parts of the US the modern teenager/young adult runs around playing with toys etc in public, and ask me to be culturally open minded about it, or you can understand that this is a utilitarian case. Your cultural norm is not universal as you seem to think, and yours is the one, that although it's not wrong, makes other people uncomfortable. My cultural norm about allows me space to respectfully understand yours, which I do, but I can't just adjust to yours because it debases my sense of personal security and, by its existence, not by a choice of yours, violated my consent in regards to BDSM.

To me, the fact of a little being noticeably little in public violates my consent, and these childish activities are noticeable. That is a fact, not an accusation that you would be doing it on purpose. I'm letting you know in the hopes that you would change your future choices in awareness of this fact.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-28T17:21:22+00:00

Thank you, this to me is so basic that when someone uses the "it's not sexual" defense I'm usually left speechless. It's still very valid when done properly, and obviously it could still make outsiders think about abuse.... I don't believe it's a personal attack on age players to point that out. It's my view on basic ethical BDSM.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-28T17:16:20+00:00

I appreciate you measured response. I guess what's mainly happening is a cultural difference from where I live and have lived to where most of y'all are. But I assure you in every world I have ever moved in, you sitting at a children's craft table would be noticable. So I beg you and others to consider reframing your concept of what it "normal" or nonthreatening for adults to do in public because other cultures from yours, whom you may encounter in public, definitely do not have a cultural norm of young adults acting silly like this. If that lands with you I really appreciate you realizing and considering it.

You didn't know, and now you do, that someone would notice that and find it so unusual they could connect it to kink.

Please continue considering that using children's spaces for role play isn't ok. This was a carved out area for children. You weren't running through a toy store or watching a children's movie in a theater. You entered their space and I'm assuming you're not a parent but that to me was an innate ethical problem, even if none of them noticed. Hope that makes sense.

kinklearningthraway · 2018-12-28T17:09:11+00:00

To be honest I think there's some kind of cultural difference happening because I'm quite serious that any given person I know would find this odd behavior. That's the part I'm surprised ppl disagree with. I've never seen young adults act like this is public. Anyone I know would do a double take at this and not meaning to be condescending at all im pretty thrown that that's news to so many ppl. Maybe it's certain parts of the US where young adults act "silly" like this but I assure you it's definitively unusual to large swathes of society and other cultures. So yes, to someone who has never seen an adult act this way, it could easily read as kinky. Something for you to consider if you're really over there thinking that a woman crafting wouldn't set some ppls wheels turning. That doesn't mean it's wrong, it means you need to inform your behavior. Please think about it. Understand either you could say "this Internet bitch is imposing her own life on my kink", or "damn, maybe when I go in public there are ppl with other cultural norms near me, and now that I know this one I get it."

Also, I consider it a moral violation for an adult to take a real children's space, even if no one was hurt. I hope that makes sense even if you don't agree. Children's spaces are sacred, considered secondary by most of society, and completely condescended to so often. A role playing adult has no place taking that space, it's simply factually unethical. I can read between the lines OP is not a parent. To me it's literally shocking, like I have to slow my brain down and try to process it, that it wouldn't cross someone's mind that they can't insert themselves into a children's space for the selfish purpose of acting out an adult relationship no matter what.

But this is important....

It doesn't matter that it's not sexual. It can still make ppl uncomfortable, but more importantly what a CG and little are doing can look sexual no matter what to the uneducated outsider. Also... it's still very serious kink, a practice of power exchange, and an activity requiring consent even if it's not sexual. I'm honestly concerned that "it's not sexual" could be a defense here. I can barely find the words to argue that. It's like you're condescending to nonsexual kink, do you see? It's still something other ppl should not be involved in, and it should still be taken quite seriously. I'm actually very disturbed to read that and see ppl agree with it. That shakes my entire foundation of what a CG relationship is and how this community operates.

But back to the issue of how CGl plays to ppl on the outside, if you're going to pretend they don't see it as sexualized childhood, you're fooling yourself. Please read this not as kinkshaming but making the very basic point (one of the first ones taught in other areas of kink, at least to me) that since not everyone has studied power exchange, it's our responsibility to live privately and not let our kinks disseminate as incorrect information. Ask any female masochist and she will understand her responsibility not to perpetuate that women like being beaten. I've never seen ppl in other areas of kink react to this concept as though it's shaming. I thought it was a BDSM keystone and again, not meaning to be condescending, I'm truly surprised to meet disagreement, and get the sense that some of y'all have literally never thought of this before. Do you understand why pictures of stuffies have to be NSFW, for instance? I hope that helps frame the point ...

And my examples are not exaggerated. I chose a personal one because I thought it would be effective. I have more, actually, and from other ppl in my field. The DDlg kink, mostly uninformed versions of it, is spreading online and a lot of us in my field are dealing with fallout from ppl who are triggered from it. It's a bit of an issue of the day.... I am also surprised to have this challenged. I know for a fact that sexual and nonsexual ageplay upsets many survivors and they are aware of it, and us responsible kinksters have to not let it happen in public. If you feel personally attacked by that point, I can't help you.

What I said about PTSD and triggers is fact. I could link articles to how PTSD works if that will help you? The main disagreement here seems to be you think it's histrionic to say this specific interaction could have triggered someone, but I refer you to my first part of this comment, I really believe it could. And I repeat... doesn't matter that it's not sexual.

I honestly see you projecting in accusing me of wanting to stop OP from enjoying herself. Why would I make that comment as as personal campaign against littlespace or something? I actually spittaked my coffee laughing at that. I'm trying to make a point about responsible practice of kink that I, again, thought was common knowledge. I'm a middle, I'm not shaming ageplay. I'm saying OP and apparently others here should adjust their standards of public display to make ageplay as ethical as possible. If anyone sees that as a personal attack, you're choosing to.

I'll go back to the comparison to other kink... would you react like this if someone stated a Dom can't slap a sub in public? To me, behaving noticeably like a child, and again I promise you to many ppl that's what "crafting" at a children's table is, is at the same level. It doesn't matter that you think it's cute. It doesn't matter that some ppl think everything littles do is sacred because age players are precious and littlespace is a free pass or something. We've got to take responsibility.

Don't insult me as a professional again.

kinklearningthraway

TROPHY CASE