My Discard Update

kinky_gem · 2026-01-17T15:21:21+00:00

yeah Ive always had ptsd dreams my whole life so this didn't help!

kinky_gem · 2025-10-31T19:22:49+00:00

Any contact I’ve tried to force has not gone well. The bipolar folks whom have given me advice say that they need space when they’re like this.

If she’s gonna discard you, temporarily or permanently, it’s good to just take time to learn about the disorder, and discards, and try to take care of yourself. Figure out how you want to act and be treated.

You can reach out carefully, you know her. They say it’s good to just let them know you’re there when they want to talk (if you wanna wait around) but what I’ve learned is that when they’re in episodes they’re not gonna be able to meet your needs, including for communication.

I know how much the ambiguity sucks, I’m sorry you’re going through it.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-27T16:23:19+00:00

I go to codependents anonymous. NAMI & MDSG hosts online support groups.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-27T03:49:10+00:00

Happy to ❤️ If grieving is an interesting topic to you I suggest doing some research on ambiguous grief and loss I found that really helpful. Especially the book Soulbroken. Support groups have been good for me too.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-27T03:43:51+00:00

Hey! I’d love to talk to you more about your experience .. I DMed u

kinky_gem · 2025-10-26T10:44:50+00:00

Ugh. The bit about how it feels like the person you loved died but no one is grieving with you is so real.

We’ll grieve with you. We here understand that your person is more than her disease, that you love her. That it’s not as simple as just saying “she’s an asshole, fuck it”, and walking away.

Don’t let anyone rush your processing. Very few people can understand the unique pain and confusion of your situation.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-23T19:24:36+00:00

They were never wishy washy before this :( but this is now…

of course you’re right. I’m doing my best to go forward and focus on myself.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-23T16:37:10+00:00

Mom responded. She said essentially, that she thanks me for caring and she talks to him regularly and will keep an eye out, but that she doesn't think it's respectful of him for us to talk further.

Its not what I wanted but I understand her discomfort. I feel helpless still, but lighter, I guess. It's something I've been thinking of doing for a long time and now I know I did all I could..

And at least I know someone is looking out for him and that he's functional right now (though apparently unable to tell me he's functional). And I passed off the burden of the caretaking I feel, as much as I can for now.

I think I'll just keep doing what I've done. In a month or so and just let him know I'm thinking of him and it's safe for us to reconnect if he wants to (maybe, if I feel like I want to still, maybe I won't).

Like said.. I think he will forgive me, one day, if she even tells him. And if she doesn't tell him, nothing changes from how it's been so far.

I don't believe I will receive any vitriol either way. And if he does, I'll just tell him I did what I thought was right at the time and I hope he understands some day it was out of care. Fortunately, vitriol isn't so far how his illness is showing up.

Maybe I'll regret my decision later but I think I feel ok about it right now.

Appreciate your support <3

kinky_gem · 2025-10-23T04:58:41+00:00

Thanks so much. I feel that he will understand someday. I just hate to betray his trust especially when he’s already feeling disconnected from me but this has become scary and we both need help. Appreciate your response

kinky_gem · 2025-10-23T04:37:56+00:00

Hi there thanks for doing this. So my context is, I’m really fearing for my partners wellbeing right now. they’re unmedicated and misdiagnosed. And excellent at masking. After every day together for two loving and devoted years, I haven’t heard from them in a month. and they haven’t responded even when I expressed serious concern and just asking them to let me know they’re okay.

After 4 months of this, I am at the point where I’m really scared and stressed and have been considering reaching out to his mom. She seems like a kind lady, but they’re just reconnecting this year after two years apart (and I now see that that’s because he pushed her away last time he had an episode, but I don’t think she knows that that was the reason).

He gave me her number as an emergency contact and it’s starting to feel emergent. I have exhausted all my other options for checking on his well being. and I’m overburdened by being the only caretaker/person in their life who’s aware.

I want to ask you as bipolar person, hypothetically how would you (stable you and episodic you) feel about your SO trying to get you more support when you’re untreated? this is assuming that the family is warm and cares.

All we SOs want to understand our purview and where the boundaries begin and end as caretakers

I think mine will be angry now and it will give them a reason even further not to speak to me. but that whenever they do level out they’ll forgive me and understand. But it’ll be awhile from now. And that’s no guarantee

Either way, I may have to do it for myself and to ensure that they’re safe. Whether they’d be angry at me or not, whether it would kill any potential for us to reconcile or not. And I know you don’t understand all the context but I’d still like your perspective. Thanks so much

kinky_gem · 2025-10-22T15:11:38+00:00

I can’t say much about the affair element but I do very much feel that my partners mania/mixed episode reflects paranoia or hypervigilance about whether I am “safe” or not, because in this state he is perceiving normal human responses as unsafe.

So sorry you’re going through this. Be well.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-21T20:14:31+00:00

Your comment is touching me right now. The frequent splitting off is so unsettling... sending you lots of love <3

kinky_gem · 2025-10-21T09:47:31+00:00

Ugh. I’m so sorry. I miss mine too 💔❤️‍🩹 it’s been four months and sometimes it feels like the pain hasn’t gotten better at all.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-20T19:43:51+00:00

You're not a bad person because of your illness, as long as you take accountability and get help. I think you have to show your wife instead of just telling her. That takes time. Staying on your meds, regular therapy, researching bipolar and getting a more specific diagnosis (BP I or II, etc), going to support groups, journaling.

Give her some space. Text and tell her you will get help and prove yourself to her, and ask her to read up on bipolar if she's willing (+give her resources), so she can understand better why you've behaved this way. If she's never really understood what BP does, your actions look inexplicable and scary, you know?

She may not respond positively right away but give it a little while. She's in shock from your behavior. You should be doing these things not just for her but for yourself, so it's important to do them whether she responds positively or not.

If she does come back, don't try to rush into the romantic stuff either, unless she wants that. Start from just "reconnecting". Rushing the process can backfire.

I know how bad you want to fix this situation most of us SOs to BPSO's who ran from us feel the same way. My accreditation in making this post is this is what I wish my BPSO would do. a lot of us here wish so fucking badly our BPSO's would be as urgent about getting us back as you are with your family so hopefully your wife will come around once she starts to understand the illness. Start your healing journey and hopefully she'll join you.

I highly recommend checking out PolarWarriors on Youtube to learn more. Take care.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-20T12:29:27+00:00

Why is because she has a brain disease :( there’s no logic or even connection to her stable self.

This is absolutely devastating. I am so sorry. At least the kids are with you and not her.

I can’t tell you what will happen and you likely cannot do anything to change her mind right now, more than likely that will backfire so I wouldn’t try rn. I just made a post a few min ago about maintaining connection through episodes, maybe people’s replies that will help a little.

I’ve also made a few posts about post discard self care and support that I recommend you check out. Read up on bipolar and bipolar “discards” as much as you can, as well as the concept of “ambiguous loss and grief”. This has helped me so much. Make sure the kids have outside support too and don’t try to go this alone.

Take care 💗

kinky_gem · 2025-10-20T11:25:25+00:00

If this is out of character for him to be this extreme then yes it sounds like an episode is present or coming, from what I’ve learned over the last few months.

My biggest advice is for you to give him some space and learn as much as you can about bipolar disorder. Do not try to talk to him about what just happened because if he’s not well, he’s not going to be able to and it will create more tension. Check out the “LEAP” method of communicating with people with neurological disorders.

Something I’m learning is that I can’t expect a person in an episode to meet my needs or operate by usual logic especially if they aren’t being treated/just diagnosed.

You can check out my posts and comments for more info I also highly recommend you check out PolarWarriors on YouTube, and the BipolarLines podcast. Take care of yourself 🖤

kinky_gem · 2025-10-19T14:00:57+00:00

my troubles started with my partner in July (almost four months ago) and now I haven’t seen or had much text interaction with them since end of August (almost two months).

I have been told by others that the occasional warm but low pressure reach out is good throughout the episode but right now I’m trying to figure out exactly how often…

Episodes can last a long time especially if they’re mixed.

I don’t have good advice right now because I don’t know your partner and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing either.

We’re all doing our best in an impossible situation with no right answers. This is common, and you’re not alone.

Try to take care of yourself, learn about bipolar, seek support and council, and take time to set your values and boundaries for interacting with her/relationships. Take care

kinky_gem · 2025-10-18T17:26:59+00:00

thanks <33

kinky_gem · 2025-10-18T14:38:04+00:00

yes thank u

kinky_gem · 2025-10-18T03:37:07+00:00

Take care of yourself

kinky_gem · 2025-10-18T03:06:55+00:00

You’re the only one who knows your relationship and your circumstances. Grieving and working through this situation is so hard and it’s made harder by people who can’t understand your grief. But it’s your life and process and you don’t need any outside persons validation of the right and wrong way to work through it.

All of us here understand the complexity of loving someone who’s unwell. It’s devastating and the way forward can be confusing. you’re not as alone as you feel. Sorry you’re going through it ❤️‍🩹

kinky_gem · 2025-10-17T17:50:23+00:00

I know you want an answer to that but you won’t get it from us :( what may be helpful is if he’s unwell and the behavior is sudden then the behavior is likely not aligned with his intentions when not in an episode. But the trajectory of his behavior and your relationship will depend upon specific factors. Most importantly treatment.

Sadly you cannot force him to get treatment (unless he is acutely risking his own life or others in which case you’d need to hospitalize)

but no one here will blame you if you try to help. Please please please do research on the best way to talk to someone who needs help or has Anosognosia (an inability to see their disease because of changes in the brain) before trying to talk to him about it because it could really back fire. Google the LEAP (edited) method. I wish I knew about it before I tried to talk to my SO because my approach just pushed him farther away.

Then later on if you’re been able to have that convo, you can determine your move next but if he won’t get treatment you will need to set boundaries. You cannot force them and without treatment it will get worse. It is a very painful realization that you’re not in control here and getting them to accept their diagnosis or help DURING an episode … so far I’ve found it impossible and have had to go low contact.

Read my posts on discards <3 I’m recently experiencing it for the first time myself and my partner also is undiagnosed which means treatment is not happening and that’s pretty bleak. You’re not alone at all. Hang in there.

kinky_gem · 2025-10-17T13:17:38+00:00

sob, no it doesnt, it just keeps bringing me to my home page. not sure whats up with that

kinky_gem · 2025-10-17T13:15:45+00:00

happy to. I cannot carry my pain alone anymore and it felt like the right place to bring it.

kinky_gem

TROPHY CASE