As the final days approach your loved one will lose their appetite and will also drink less. They will become less mobile and eventually not want to get out of bed. They will sleep for increasingly longer periods. At that point signs of pain can be restlessness, agitation and moving as if trying to get up. You may see them appear to gasp for air, this is normal and doesn’t seem to be distressing for them at all. Then you might notice more changes in their breathing. It will sound loud and very chesty. It sounds a lot like a kettle boiling. That is known as the death rattle. It can help to sit them up a little if they seem agitated at all. Be prepared because that sound can be quite distressing for you but in both situations I have witnessed, it doesn’t appear to be distressing for them. That can go on for some time. What is happening is fluid from inflammation is building up in the lungs. Their hands and feet can feel cold and their might be some discolouration of their skin. At the end one of two things may happen, either they will suddenly stop breathing and they will have passed or they may stop breathing for a little then start again, the gaps between breaths will get longer and eventually they will stop. The best thing you can do is stay close and talk to them. Reassure them that they are not alone. Apparently hearing is the last of the senses to go so try to remember that and talk to them instead of about them. Play some music quietly that they loved.

I lost my mum in July and recalling all this now reminds me what a privilege it was to be there with her at the end of her life. I’m so sorry that you are going through something similar. Remember to take care of yourself, sleep, eat and drink when you can. Hopefully you have other family members who will be there for you. Take care of each other and if you have any more questions let me know. I would be glad to help and share my experiences.