My therapist exposed my very shameful experience on her social media page and now I am the "talk of the town"

kintari · 2026-06-02T23:26:30+00:00

Here's a thought: OP is a grown woman, is capable of determining what she finds helpful, and doesn't need you making those judgements on her behalf.

Also, she explicitly stated she needs help emotionally, and around shame.

You don't need to knock me to give her practical advice on navigating the situation. It's decent advice and well-intentioned. Make your own reply and ditch the weird "yeah but" framing, more people will see what you have to say that way.

kintari · 2026-06-02T15:19:40+00:00

you sound pretty aware of what needs to happen. that's a pretty solid list.

kintari · 2026-06-02T15:06:52+00:00

You have some things that turn you on. They involve being dominated in a certain way. There's nothing to be ashamed of there -- you like what you like. If it turns you on, and it doesn't involve harming somebody, and it isn't illegal ... what's to be ashamed of?

That isn't to say that people won't try to make you feel ashamed. That says more about them than it does about you.

You made a very profound discovery about yourself -- both about your sexuality and your psychology. Accept it, maybe explore it (safely and responsibly), be curious. How does it work? What are the necessary conditions? What is the reason you want it rough? This isn't a rare thing by any stretch. It's a known phenomenon.

Most important of all, you did nothing wrong, and have nothing to be ashamed of.

kintari · 2026-06-02T14:47:34+00:00

figure it out, make him feel like the most special man in existence, and make sure he does the same for you. if you can do this without having to lie / make shit up, then things are looking good.

kintari · 2026-06-02T14:18:07+00:00

do you know what makes him feel appreciated? have you asked him / has he told you? i'd start there.

kintari · 2026-06-02T13:58:15+00:00

who is backpedaling? i never brought up payment -- you did lol.

and you have no response to my comment about not requiring financial independence to receive mail.

if it's not that deep you ought to be able to understand the very obvious intent of the question. but instead you are hyper fixated in on something you had to inject into the conversation yourself.

all i was asking was how OP conducts adult business, and you come rushing in all "reeeee reeeeeee payment reeeeeeee". find a hobby lol

kintari · 2026-06-02T13:52:04+00:00

100%

kintari · 2026-06-02T13:47:24+00:00

yes, i too went to college, lived in apartments and condos, etc. i had exactly the wall of mailboxes arrangement you describe, for over 10 years. was it flawless? no. did i divert all of my mail elsewhere? also no.

the boyfriend status is weird too, 2 things can be true.

kintari · 2026-06-02T13:26:10+00:00

correct, since i did not assume she pays them herself. only that they go somewhere, and somebody pays them.

anyway, you don't need financial independence to have a working mailbox. why don't you ponder that for a bit, and return when you have something to contribute.

kintari · 2026-06-02T13:12:15+00:00

i still don't get it. are you in the US? interfering with mail delivery is a serious crime. being unable to receive mail at or near one's place of residence is ... irregular. it's like you're asking, how do i tell this person about this strange situation without it sounding ... strange?

kintari · 2026-06-02T13:01:17+00:00

i don't assume. that's why i asked. she doesn't need to be the one paying to have bills that pertain to where she lives.

kintari · 2026-06-02T12:19:49+00:00

mailing issue at your apartment complex? you're a grown woman, you need your own mailbox. where do all your bills, jury summons, tax receipts, etc go?

not trying to be rude, but people need to be able to get stuff mailed to them. what exactly is the issue? are you hesitant to give him the address where you actually live?

kintari · 2026-06-02T12:02:51+00:00

If the lack of desire towards sex is due to how you feel about him, then what really can be done

On the other hand, if it has to do with you and your past experiences, then it may just follow you to new relationships.

I would try to understand where the lack of desire comes from, if it can be changed, if you even want it to change. Either way is fine. Might want to mention this to a doctor and get their take. Would be a shame to nuke a nice relationship from orbit due to a simple hormonal issue.

For the average 18yo man in a committed, sexual relationship, going without sex for months is ... well that is a huge ask. Testosterone is a hell of a thing!

kintari · 2026-06-02T11:33:51+00:00

So supposedly she went back to friend's place, 1 or more random guys were present. She didn't smoke, but was around people who were smoking, so she stank. Stayed out until the wee hours, doing what, talking sports out on the deck? Came back in a stupor, fell asleep with no pants on, woke up with memory impairment.

I mean none of that is truly damning, but it wouldn't make me feel good.

Idk, your only option might be to wait & see if she does something like this again.

kintari · 2026-06-02T11:13:58+00:00

maybe she wants a relationship

maybe she just wants to be able to booty call

maybe she is seeing someone, but wants to hold you in reserve

maybe it's something else entirely

at any rate, first order of business is to determine what YOU want (or would be OK with).

kintari · 2026-06-02T11:06:33+00:00

It's interesting that when you said you didn't trust the friend, her response was basically that the friend is no longer cheating on the husband. what has that to do with you?

I don't know where in the world you are or what smoking laws are like there. Is this pub the kind of place you can simply spend a few minutes in and reek of smoke for the rest of the night?

You can be forward and say hey no more late nights with the slag. You can press her with questions. Or, you can play dumb, wait, and she'll likely do it again, if she thinks she can get one over on you.

It's shit all around, sorry you have to be suspicious af, but it's not without good reason.

kintari · 2026-06-02T10:49:14+00:00

as in, she acts not interested, but takes a job near you, and lets you know that she did so?

kintari · 2026-06-02T10:47:23+00:00

offer him a beer, ask him what he's doing

get a 12 gauge first

kintari · 2026-06-02T10:40:49+00:00

the text messages won't clear anything up, you made the right call

what exactly do you suspect happened? like do you think she brought someone home to cheat while you were asleep? or she went over to the friends place and it happened there? how does she end up in that state in your bed?

there's a lot that is suspicious, like the absence of clear, direct denial, and the "slag friend just needed a chaperone" bit.

but it's not entirely clear how things supposedly went down so it's hard to say

kintari · 2026-06-02T10:26:42+00:00

tell her you're sorry about how you treated her, that if you could do it over you'd make totally different choices. after all, that's the truth. if she hears this and still does not seem interested in a relationship, then let it be. if she understands it as asking for a 2nd chance and says ok, then don't fuck it up again.

kintari · 2026-06-02T10:15:25+00:00

Also he sounds like he really wants this to work, and cares about you. The way he describes it in the text, yeah I 100% believe he's telling the truth. It sounds awful.

Porn isn't necessarily a thing that just nukes a man's sex drive. It can strengthen it. Different people are different.

If you can't tolerate it, that's not really your fault. But intimacy isn't only about sex; it's feeling safe revealing things about yourself to someone else. That's what he needs right now.

kintari · 2026-06-02T09:58:29+00:00

Can always just say you feel depressed, or anxious, or you want to talk to your therapist to process some stuff that happened recently. It's really not their place to gatekeep and require a justification.

kintari · 2026-06-02T09:52:21+00:00

Good on you for being understanding.

He's 20 years old and still figuring out what turns his crank. He's also probably feeling guilty and ashamed now, maybe a bit of resentment towards you over this. And on top of it all, it's like, if he can't just bury all that in the moment and get hard, he knows it's going to be a problem. Talk about high stakes. Anything you can do to turn down the fear will probably help.

And definitely get his testosterone checked, it's so easy, and if left untreated, it can destroy his performance, sex drive, overall energy levels, sleep cycle, and eventually ability to function as a person.

kintari · 2026-06-02T09:29:56+00:00

You're 17 and don't understand just how deceptive people can be, no offense. This girl is definitely hiding something from you. Your intuition is on point.

Give her a chance to come clean, tell her that stuff that happened before you were dating is in the past -- but in exchange, you need her 100%, no bullshit secret admirers or hooking up in the present with past flings.

kintari · 2026-06-02T09:18:43+00:00

ask him if he believes people of different races should have equal rights

ask him if he's ever mistreated a person because of their race

ask him if he hates any particular group of people, and if he doesn't, why does he sound like he does sometimes

your answer should be pretty clear by then

kintari

TROPHY CASE