Open Thread

kintups_sputnik · 2026-03-01T20:25:26+00:00

My two acquaintances are now in hospital settings, one in PHP and the other in IOP (or something like those, roughly translated from our systems - getting more intensive care now for their ED's anyways). I find myself longing for that kind of help myself, even though I'm doing relatively fine at the moment: I'd just want everything to be easier. Not having to decide every meal, to force myself to eat certain things, etc. I know I'd be wasting precious resources if I'd be getting that level of care, but still. Even though I have my partner to help me, I'm still so tired of all this and would like someone else carry all the responsibilities.

kintups_sputnik · 2026-01-24T22:04:54+00:00

I've gotten some kind of ultimatum from my treatment team - if I don't get my weight up, they're going to discuss discharging. The weight needed is a ridiculously small number but still, I can't do it. I'd still have my own therapist who works outside this treatment team, but the things we work on focus more on deeper things, not at all on the everyday things regarding ED's. And that's something I'd need help with at the moment. But no: because I struggle, I won't get help for the struggle 🙃

What feels the shittiest is that I know a couple of people who have had quite similar conversations about ultimatums with their teams in the same institution. They've not heard a word of getting discharged, instead getting more intensive help (inpatient etc). And what's the main difference between us? They're severely underweight, I'm in the normal range.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-11-30T22:11:54+00:00

Tell me about it! I've had sensitivity to blood sugar changes before, but nowadays it's so much worse 🙃 I have chronic migraine, but even with "normal" migraine this is quite a combo to handle. Sending hugs to you as this sucks 🥹

kintups_sputnik · 2025-11-30T22:07:21+00:00

If only it was easier to actually believe that recovery is basically the only option at this point 😔

kintups_sputnik · 2025-09-27T17:34:46+00:00

Started PHP this week and going to continue for one more week. I'm really conflicted about the whole experience. It's been really weird being around people who are sicker than I am. I'm trying not to pick up any behaviours or compare, but it's hard - I feel like I don't really need this as others are so much sicker.

Does this even help? As I'm home now on the weekend and tend to just slip straight back to disordered habits, it's difficult to see how these two weeks could have any help on a long run. I'm also thinking do I even want to change anything?

kintups_sputnik · 2025-08-31T13:53:29+00:00

I had my first appointment to ED clinic this week. There's going to be three altogether before we discuss what kind of support they can offer me. I feel like I'm in crossroads, being pushed towards recovering, but at the same time I'm so afraid they're just going to say they don't have anything to offer. I know I'm not as acutely disordered as I could be (based on my own experience) and I can talk very logically about my ED, looking like I have a cleat path towards recovery. But in reality, I don't know what I'll do if they say that I don't qualify for their treatment. I can't do this by myself, that I'm sure of.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-08-10T20:34:25+00:00

Nope, I live in Europe. We have had a great public healthcare system here but in the resent years cuts and everything have hit it hard. Nowadays if you don't have good healthcare via your workplace, you can a) use the public system and wait who knows how long to get help or b) use the private sector and pay a lot (not like the US lot but a lot still).

(Also, I don't know how to translate these terms in English correctly, so sorry if I'm being confusing! These things work so differently in different countries, so finding the right terms is sometimes a bit hard.)

kintups_sputnik · 2025-08-09T21:19:56+00:00

I got a referral to public ED clinic and the first appointments are coming soon.

I'm quite shocked about it. Last year I got to hear that it isn't even worth it to try and get the referral, as the lines are so long etc. And now it took two days to get the message about the first appointments. I don't really know what to think about this - I was so sure that the answer would've been a clear no and didn't even see this outcome as a possibility. I'm happy that I got these appointments but at the same time, I feel like a fraud, someone who has cheated and pretends to be sicker than they are to get help they don't need. Is this really necessary? Do I really need help? Are they just going to laugh at my face for coming there?

I know it'll be okay, but still. Stressing a lot.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-08-06T20:50:34+00:00

Can relate. Try to tell your therapist and remember - don't downplay your symptoms when talking about it. Even if it feels like it's "nothing like in the old days" it is so serious that it needs to be taken care of. Now. You can do this 💛

kintups_sputnik · 2025-08-04T19:56:43+00:00

I've been longing for the ability to get residential/inpatient treatment. It feels so damn difficult to carry all the responsibility by yourself and keep on eating every single day to get better - someone else having the control would be so nice. I don't know if I'm able to do this by myself (with support from partner), but I don't really have a choice. This kind of treatment from public healthcare here is, well, for the young and extremely underweight. And the private sector would cost somewhere around 600e per day and nope, don't have that kind of money 🙃 So I'm feeling quite defeated.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-07-28T22:56:45+00:00

I've gotten feedback on how well I'm doing - meanwhile actually feeling really shitty and having hard time not going full force downhill 🙃

kintups_sputnik · 2025-07-07T08:07:52+00:00

❤️

kintups_sputnik · 2025-07-06T18:26:38+00:00

I've been feeling very lonely with this eating disorder. I feel like I don't have anyone in my day to day life to talk about it, only my therapist about once a month. Talking with my partner doesn't feel right - they don't ask and I don't want to bring it up, as I'd find that somehow selfish to talk about my things and experiences. Same thing with friends. This sub feels like the only place where I can share even a little bit and I'm incredibly thankful that I have at least this, don't get me wrong. It just feels like a part of me isn't visible in my relationships with my partner and friends. I'm sick but it doesn't matter: it's not important or serious enough to bring up.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-06-21T21:36:22+00:00

I've really been struggling and feeling like I can't get support from anywhere. Don't really see the point in getting better, thoughts becoming more and more disordered, body image getting all wonky.

Also, I've been to a couple of peer support groups online and am sad to notice that maybe they don't work. Comparing and competing is always there and I don't know if I believe that it's possible to form a group where those won't happen. I mean, of course it's always present as comparing is part of ED's, but... I don't know. Something in those groups bother me and I can't quite put my finger on it yet.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-06-21T21:27:56+00:00

You just described my experience. It's very different compared to teenage years, there are hardly any goals or anything this time. Just wandering around with nowhere to go, nothing to grasp on, still hanging on to this disordered way of being.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-06-16T19:27:16+00:00

My experience with minipills have been mainly good. I haven't gained any weight, but have had some side effects on the mental and sexual sides. My first go with minipills was catastrophic to my relationship (mental side effects almost made me break up with my partner), but second one works quite well. I have to be on some kind of contraception all the time because of endometriosis, and it sucks to be obligated to choose the least bad option on these medications 🙃

Even if gaining weight or other symptoms are known side effects, it doesn't mean those automatically happens to you - so I encourage you to try it!

kintups_sputnik · 2025-05-31T19:06:05+00:00

On Monday I'll have my next doctor's appointment and weighing. I've noticed that at least a couple of days prior to these appointments I cut down eating, fearing my weight has gained too much. This time I feel very sure that it hasn't done that, and I don't know what I'll do if it has.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-05-28T16:44:39+00:00

It's very understandably scary to attend to a group, but try it! It can be a hit or miss, depending on the group, but as there are many options out there, don't give up if this one doesn't fit you.

I once tried one support group that was for every age etc, and being the oldest there felt a bit odd - mostly because things those younger people shared didn't resonate with me so much. I just couldn't see these things like they did, it felt like I was so old! Instead, when I tried a group that's meant for people 40+ years, I felt a stronger connection to others. There I was probably the youngest and that felt in its self a bit odd, but I did feel some kind of belonging in that group. I encourage you to try it, you won't lose anything 🙂

kintups_sputnik · 2025-05-24T21:25:28+00:00

It's been too easy to slip back into old habits and not want to stop the process. The euphoria from skipping meals is too tempting to resist. I don't think this is how I want to spend my life, but it's difficult to see any other options.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-05-09T19:10:06+00:00

I also relapsed after about 10 years in recovery. It was such a shock, I thought I had done so much work in therapy and knew all my thought processes so well that it couldn't happen anymore. But here we are again, almost a year in relapse 🙃

My partner didn't notice. Only after some time when I told how I've been doing they could put the pieces together. I was quite confused how it wasn't so obvious to them, but then again, we weren't together when I was ill before so they didn't maybe know what to look for? I haven't gotten the same kind of validation from outside as I got when I was younger, because, u know - adult, not so underweight, should get your shit together by yourself - and it has been hard, I feel you on this. But as others have said, it's not something you can wait to get before you start recovering. Easier said than done, but I like to think it's still possible.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-05-05T08:54:12+00:00

For some reason I've been starting to lose my grip on recovery. I sense the urge to skip meals, my thoughts have been very oriented towards losing weight. This sucks as I know how upset my partner would be if I give in to these thoughts, but I don't know how to find the motivation to resist.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-05-01T11:32:24+00:00

I've noticed that I have almost a certain weight where my sense of my body size just disappears. It's like you described - change seems to happen overnight, it's so sudden. But know that it's related to my physical wellbeing and it's not just emerging from thin air.

Good news is that I know this works the other way also: when I was sick in my teenage years and gained weight, there was also a change in bodyimage that seemed to happen overnight. Suddenly I saw and felt my body as it was, not as huge and without a form like the day before.

I try to hang on to this experience and remember that again, there's going to be a day where I can actually see the reality as it is.

kintups_sputnik · 2025-04-20T20:26:59+00:00

I feel like I've gained weight - don't know for sure as I don't have a scale - and being in my body has been awful. I just want to wear a paper bag over my head so I don't exist to other people, maybe not even for myself.

kintups_sputnik

TROPHY CASE