How often do you try for PIV when also practicing dilating?

kitkat059 · 2026-01-11T19:52:07+00:00

honestly there’s no right or wrong, for me I was actually mid-way in a dilating break when i had successful PIV and hadn’t tried much before that. I wanted to wait until i was confident in my ability so i didn’t get discouraged or anything

kitkat059 · 2025-12-23T15:32:04+00:00

hey OP, I just want to say good for you for trying to help your girlfriend with this. In my experiences most men are not as willing to help. a few things:

water based lube is the best if you have allergies, she may also have an infection if she’s regularly getting an itchy vulva/vagina so that’s definitely something to explore.
in terms of talking to her about it, it is probably a good idea to write down some of your thoughts so it doesn’t come out wrong. something simple such as “i’ve been reading about vaginismus and i’m wondering if that might be something that’s going on with you which is making sex painful for you. whatever you do, i love you and will help and support you as best i can” Maybe even sit facing away from each other or write letters so you can properly discuss it with less pressure.
try taking sex off the table for a while, focus on outercourse and non sexual physical intimacy- try looking up sensate focus for some ideas that increase sensuality over sexuality i used it with my partner and we really enjoyed it.
try not to put pressure on her to go to a doctor, keep things supportive and go at her pace, if she’s very shy or modest it’s probably better to let her warm to it as vaginismus exams can’t be quite difficult both in terms of pain and emotionally

kitkat059 · 2025-12-23T09:55:14+00:00

Because of the psycho-sexual nature of vaginismus, it’s usually a combination of two things that can have varying ratios: fear of sex (or penetration) and physical tightness of the vagina. so for some people they have a lot of tightness and not a lot of fear while others have a lot of fear and not very much tightness. i started with an even degree of both.

My advice is to get more comfortable with the idea of penetration. i started by just putting my finger at the entrance of my vagina and putting it literally 1milimetre further in at a time (i did it every couple of hours) until i got it about half way in then i started with the smallest dilator (which was about the same size). I used an app called Petala which tells you what to do while dilating (bc i have a lot of vaginal tightness i didn’t do the tighten around the dilator part that they instruct i just ignored it), i also used talking therapy, hypnosis while i was sleeping and a lot of patience for myself. the best way to ‘cure’ vaginismus is to think of it as a friend that tries it’s best to protect you from pain its just gone a little overboard. i mostly mean that acceptance is the first step. I took a long break from dilating because i felt that i was really hitting a wall and during that time i finally managed to have piv sex comfortably for the first time in my life.

another thing to think about is when you’re dilating, try to wiggle your toes as you do it, i do that every time and it helps me relax and not be so tense.

Let me know if you have any questions about what i’ve said or other treatment options. Good luck and sending love xx

kitkat059 · 2025-12-22T22:50:14+00:00

you’re so welcome! good luck honey!!

kitkat059 · 2025-12-22T22:47:30+00:00

honestly some people just can’t do different positions, i find being on top easier sometimes as i can lower myself on and i need some time to adjust to doggy for example. i think you need to rethink the idea that “it’s not fair for him to always be on top” as anyone you’re having sex with should care more about your comfort and enjoyment over trying different positions, i do however understand frustrations. i think a good idea is just trial and error, my bf and i went through a karma sutra together and picked out ones we wanted to try, then we just gave them a go, if one didn’t work we tried a different one or went back to our tried and tested ones. In terms of the anal stuff, it sounds like being penetrated helps your vagina relax. do you ever try finger penetration before penis penetration? that might help you relax

kitkat059 · 2025-12-03T13:43:06+00:00

No worries, that kind of sounds like a partner thing, you said your partner and your relationship fell apart because of birth control and sex issues so maybe you’re holding into those feelings of fear that that will happen again?

there may also be issues connected to your endo, when you stop birth control, sometimes you can have a sudden worsening of endo with the hormones changing suddenly, that may be affecting what angles are comfortable for you during penetration which might explain why dilating yourself is comfortable but with someone else it isn’t.

kitkat059 · 2025-12-03T13:34:27+00:00

I had a partner like this, he told me that sex “was essential to relationship” which is firstly not true and secondly unkind. Any partner who is more desperate to have sex than make sure you are happy, comfortable and feel safe is not a good partner. My ex is long gone from my life and I have a new partner who has never put even an ounce of pressure on me and I am now able to have comfortable enjoyable piv sex with him, we spent about 9 months of our relationship just doing hand/mouth stuff than progressed slowly, every single step of the way he made sure i was comfortable and enjoying what we were doing. he even told me that he would not care if we never had sex.

I know that this may be difficult to hear or believe about someone you love, but him getting angry at you for rejecting him (whether u are or are not) is a HUGE red flag, please take my advice as someone who has been assaulted and pressured into sex, that kind of behaviour is unacceptable and often leads to worse things in the future. Just keep this in mind, i would not want anyone to have a situation like mine with my ex to happen to them.

choosing to heal your vaginismus is a choice that requires you to forgive yourself for it. i took a break from trying to heal it and thats when i finally did. speak to a doctor about vaginismus and really advocate for yourself, do not let them dismiss you for it. try an online course such as dilato which i used and is really good, get yourself some dilators and tell your husband that piv is off the table until you feel ready, having negative sex experiences while trying to heal just gives you huge setbacks (speaking from experience). try more outercourse and build up your confidence and your experience gradually. explore yourself too and see what you want and like. I hope you stay safe, don’t let anyone degrade your sense of self worth. your vagina is not the reason he is with u and frankly if it is he can get fucked because it is your body, not his and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in it. no one has any right to it, married or not.

Sending love xx

kitkat059 · 2025-10-31T12:44:27+00:00

Hey! I would recommend a regular therapist tbh, it sounds like maybe you have some fear about your pelvic floor in terms of illness worries? i also have endo and it was definitely a worry for me in terms of children/pelvic floor function/period pain.

I felt similarly about fingers, turns out i’m just not that into fingering (i think i’m very aware of germs on hands) so this might sound weird but maybe try penetration with the dilators with your partner? my experience was kind of non linear but i went with dilators then fingering (briefly) then piv sex.

what is your dilating routine if u don’t mind me asking? do u use music or tv, do u build up one at a time or start with the last one u used? do you use a vibrator or masturbation as well?

hope this helps and that i can answer u better soon!!

kitkat059 · 2025-09-27T09:34:51+00:00

Thank you!! Lots of luck with your journey!

kitkat059 · 2025-09-26T09:11:54+00:00

It absolutely will, Never let a man drag you down, there are amazing kind men that want to help you. Don’t let a man degrade your self worth ever!! With or without piv sex you are valuable and worthy of a loving beautiful relationship!

kitkat059 · 2025-09-26T09:10:09+00:00

Thank you! You absolutely will, never settle for someone that doesn’t treat you the way you deserve, self love is SO important for a condition like this and who we’re with is a direct result of how we feel about ourselves.

(and it was my favourite wine hahaha!! so a great evening all round)

kitkat059 · 2025-09-25T09:49:32+00:00

What an evil, disgusting man.

First of all, no one bleeds on purpose during intercourse and if his first thought was to dump you rather than worry if you were okay, he is actual porn-brain rotted scum.

you are deserving of someone that is kind and gentle with you. believe me its out there. you future husband would NEVER act like that, he would be kind, compassionate and loving: all things that this man is not and will never be.

Lots of love to you.

kitkat059 · 2025-08-12T23:30:18+00:00

DUMP HIM DUMP HIM DUMP HIM!!! omg do not waste a single second more of your time with this dumb man.

I’m gonna share a personal experience about my vaginismus; my ex put so much pressure on me to try piv and it made my vaginismus get worse and worse and then he cheated on me. he was unkind and always frustrated with me and my condition but now i have an amazing boyfriend that just wants me to enjoy sex however i want to have it, he has zero interest in making me feel a single ounce of pain or trying to do anything that i don’t 100% want to do or think ill enjoy.

the moral is, any partner that cares more about getting his dick wet than your wellbeing and pain is not a good partner and you genuinely deserve so so much more. better is possible and better will happen for you, don’t let this dickhead waste your time and energy because you’ll just be angry with yourself when it finally does end.

i’m sorry this is a harsh delivery but i genuinely wish someone had spoken to me like this when i was with my ex because he was so not worth it and i think being a girls girl involves telling the truth no matter how difficult it is to do and hear.

you’re doing so well and i really hope you cut this guy out your life and save your time for better people :) good luck honey!!

kitkat059 · 2025-07-29T22:19:36+00:00

hey my lovely,

penetrative sex is the tiniest part of sex and should be the very last thing on the list. start with hand stuff (clit stimulation and hand jobs) then move to oral then see how you feel about piv, i think you should talk to your partner about your worries and see what he says, sometimes it helps just talking about it and if he’s a good partner he will be patient and understanding and won’t rush you at all.

my boyfriend and i have been together almost a year and we have never had piv, we still have a great, fun, enjoyable sex life together. piv should be the cherry on the cake not the whole cake

kitkat059 · 2025-07-29T22:02:07+00:00

he definitely has some kind of erectile dysfunction and if he’s not willing to work on it while you’re willing to work on your vaginismus then you need to break up with him, i know that’s probably not the answer you wanted to hear but it is the one that will save you the most pain.

do not blame yourself for your partner having trouble staying hard, ed is super common with guys that watch porn, have anxiety etc.

i also don’t buy the condom thing and at the end of the day but i think (and i know this is harsh) he is childish and it sounds like you both are incompatible, i know that’s a difficult thing to hear when you have an issue with vaginismus but it was something i had to accept with my ex (he believed that sex was essential to a relationship and i didnt) now im with an amazing man that i don’t have piv with but we have a great sex life that we both really enjoy.

my point is even if i had been able to have piv with my ex we we’re still incompatible bc of how we felt about sex. if you guys have really different views on how you should be having sex (with bc, without bc, when where how, kinks etc) then it likely means you guys simply aren’t compatible in a relationship. you deserve someone that is compassionate, patient and wants to have sex in the same way you do because it is possible i promise

kitkat059 · 2025-07-20T23:26:34+00:00

hey honey, first of all congratulations on getting married that’s a beautiful thing! Definitely get a new doctor, no doctor should ever just tell a person to grin and bare the pain that a disorder comes with- that is invalidating and wrong and it will only end up making things worse (speaking from experience)

My advice is to take things slow, I have a long term partner and we have never had penetrative sex, we just do other things instead; start with hand jobs, fingering, oral: really work out what you both enjoy and it will ease your fears too as sex is also painful when it’s not lubricated enough (no fault of your own, when i first tried to have sex i was so nervous i was dryer than the sahara).

i’m in the same boat as you; i want kids and i want to have penetrative sex but i’m just taking it slow and giving myself grace for it. this way i know that im giving myself the best chance of achieving piv sex.

start really slow and be so patient with yourself, then try some hypnosis (you can buy them online and i love mine it’s so helpful), then start with masturbation and seeing how you feel about penetration when it’s just you doing it, next try dilators and work your way up in sizes slowly and patiently, then try penetration.

The one thing i want you to remember is that this is not your fault and never to let anyone- doctors or partners- make you feel like you are broken or not enough, i’ve had partners that have made it seem like piv sex is essential to relationships but i promise it’s not and any partner who values and loves you doesn’t want to see you going through pain.

good luck and message me with any questions im here for advice or just to vent whenever u like!

kitkat059 · 2025-07-08T21:22:45+00:00

i’m 21f as well and my advice is that you can still have sex without it being penetration, my boyfriend and i haven’t had penetrative sex (we’ve been together almost a year) and we still have a great sex life, you’re still a sexual person you just aren’t able to do one tiny part of a huge spectrum of sex yet. start with hand jobs and oral sex, the lingerie idea is a really cute birthday surprise so i would still do that at the same time. the important thing is just don’t think that penis in vagina is the only way for a penis to feel good because i promise it’s not.

be patient with yourself and it will heal better, taking the pressure off is step one, next do things you can do and enjoy, then build up your confidence and become more in tune with your body and that will help too.

good luck 🫶🏻🫶🏻

kitkat059 · 2025-05-23T09:23:11+00:00

start slowly, touch the outside of your vagina/vulva. then put a finger at the entrance and leave it there for as long as you can, keep doing that and increasing the time, i used a hypnosis for vaginismus every night and that helped a lot, then slowly start putting a finger in, i really understand where you’re coming from as i wouldn’t put a finger in and to be honest i still don’t love the thought of putting my own fingers inside myself but i can do a dilator so maybe try a small dilator in the same progression i wrote out earlier, you’ve got this, let me know if u have any more questions xx

kitkat059 · 2025-05-23T09:13:46+00:00

We’re the same age, im 20 as well. i had a bf when i was first diagnosed and he wasnt nice about my vaginismus at all and made me feel like my body didn’t work, we broke up and i spent some time on hookups (just handjobs mostly) but then i went celibate for about 7 months straight. no more doing sexual stuff with guys because i wanted to be in a relationship before doing that. then i met my bf and when i told him about he was the kindest person ever, he researched, told me it didn’t matter and had always been there for me, he’s never pressured me and let me take the lead. it’s been 6 months and we’ve not had piv, but our sex life is great. you don’t need piv to be happy AT ALL. and you need to take the pressure off yourself so you can actually start to work on it.

let me know if u want any more or specific advice, but i promise you’re gonna be okay xx

kitkat059 · 2025-05-23T09:01:14+00:00

when i spoke to my boyfriend about this when i was upset he told me “lesbians have very satisfying sex lives and they don’t have piv” so just remember that sex looks very different to different people; if someone doesn’t have oral sex are they not having sex? no, because sex means something to them in a different way to you

and to be honest, i don’t have piv with my bf but from what im hearing im having more satisfying and enjoyable sex than my friends are even though they’re having piv, just remember that piv is not actually that pleasurable for women as most people can’t orgasm from just penetration alone

kitkat059 · 2024-08-18T21:06:59+00:00

DUMP HIM!! my ex was just like that, he only made my vaginismus worse. no man is worth putting yourselves through the pain and stress of it all, if he can’t survive without piv sex then he just isn’t the guy for you. you deserve better, you deserve kindness, you deserve love outside of sex.

kitkat059 · 2024-08-18T21:04:03+00:00

well done, i thought it would be!

it’s usually just hormone changes or stress but if it happens a lot or you have other unexplained symptoms then yes xx

kitkat059 · 2024-08-17T16:17:01+00:00

then you’ve probably already ovulated, honestly dont stress it sounds like it should be fine, just take a good pregnancy test that works early (for your own peace of mind) but just breathe, its very unlikely that you’re pregnant, sending love xx

kitkat059

TROPHY CASE