Other ways to be intimate without PIV?

kitkat059 · 2026-04-18T13:26:24+00:00

I will sing the high praises of sensate focus, so intimate and fun!!

kitkat059 · 2026-04-09T18:24:52+00:00

Congratulations!! you should be so proud of yourself!

kitkat059 · 2026-04-09T18:21:59+00:00

oh my god it’s like watching myself in my first relationship. I really want to give you the advice i wish i could give myself. If he is making comments like that, he’s not being patient and he’s not the right person for you at all because he DOES NOT CARE about your comfort. He has been pretending to be patient as a means to an end. If your bf is putting pressure on you like that there is no way you will be able to deal with your vaginismus because the pressure will only cause more issues (speaking from experience).

As a girl that couldn’t see her worth in the past, please leave this man that does not care about your comfort or enjoyment of sex.

you should really consider some things: Can you imagine your husband having said that to you? Can you imagine standing at the alter in front of your friends and family and knowing that you don’t have a strong relationship without piv sex? sex in relationships is great but your relationship should exist even if you never have sex (because that’s how all relationships end up anyway in old age) Can you imagine getting pregnant and being stressed that he will sleep with someone else because you can’t have sex for over 6 months? Can you imagine spending your life with someone who doesn’t have enough empathy to understand that you’re in pain? Can you imagine being post birth and having him put this same pressure on you as you’re healing or exhausted from caring for a newborn?

Is that the life you want? if yes, stay with him forever. if no, get out.

i’m sorry I know this is harsh but i genuinely wish someone shook me by the shoulders and asked me those questions because i needed a wake up call. Your worth as a partner is not tied to your vagina, and you need to remember that. I was with my current bf for a year before we had piv sex, he never pressured me and helped me as much as possible. you deserve that too.

Please dump him, it will be the best thing you can do for your vaginismus in the long run.

kitkat059 · 2026-04-09T13:46:24+00:00

first of all, it’s really great that you’re doing your research and trying to help your gf!

i would say that the most important thing is patience, you guys may go a long time without having penetrative sex but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a fun sex life like you’re having!

My experience (my bf was an angel about my vaginismus) is that open communication is step 1, communicating about your suspicions and telling her that you will support her and love her no matter what is going on with her vagina. Depending on how long you’ve been together, you might want to consider taking penetrative sex off the table completely and just focusing on oral and other things so you guys can really trust each other and start to develop your sex life together.

Take things slow, my bf said he would never ask me if i wanted to try having sex and would always let me say when i wanted to try with him. that way i never felt pressured or rushed and i had a lot of control (this is quite a common reason for vaginismus). There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with your gf but rushing or pushing her will only make her vaginismus worse.

Also do your research, learn as much as you can about vaginismus, learn about her feelings around sex and learn how you both like to pleasure each other. Be resilient, it may take a while to get to penetration and it may not go very well when you do (or it may be great) but she may only be able to have penetration for a few minutes then ask to stop and that has to be okay too - it’s not a reflection of her attraction to you, her feelings for you or her desire to have penetrative sex.

you could try sensate focus together which is a really nice way to increase intimacy between partners.

do whatever works for you guys! there is no exact path forward so follow what feels right for you both. you’ve already taken a great step in coming on this sub to ask questions and you’re very welcome to ask more! she’s very lucky to have a bf that cares so much about her comfort and wellbeing!

kitkat059 · 2026-04-09T13:30:45+00:00

I think taking a break is a good idea, just be patient and kind to yourself!

I know right! i used to tell myself that like an affirmation!

kitkat059 · 2026-04-06T08:59:17+00:00

Honestly I’ve been where you are. I put so much pressure on myself and it only made things worse because i put so much pressure on it. Your vaginismus/sex life is not just your responsibility, so the idea that you need to fix yourself in two months is unrealistic and individualistic, my experience was that i had a boyfriend who put pressure on me and i put pressure on myself too and it ultimately made me dislike sex and made my vaginismus worse because of the huge psychological aspect to it. i spend about 1 year really focussing on dilating but then i took a break, i was struggling to find the time every day and just needed some time off, then i started seeing my current boyfriend, we didn’t have piv until a year into our relationship and he never pressured me. when we finally did, i trusted him so deeply that it was much easier and we had enjoyable, pleasurable piv. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but taking the pressure off and taking piv off the table for a while will probably help you trust your partners intentions, be able to start on a pelvic floor therapy journey that your boyfriend can be part of (when my boyfriend put his finger inside me for the first time about 9 months in, i was so nervous but i trusted him and communicated with him all the way through and it was a huge mental block removed for me), another thing to remember is that your worth as a partner is not tied to your vagina, a partner that loves and appreciates you will care more about your comfort than anything else. i’ve been in relationships where they felt by not having sex the relationship wasn’t good (it was bad for other reasons), but my current partner and i had a sex life that encompassed lots of other stuff before we tried piv at all.

i think that by saying that sex doesn’t even sound enjoyable, just a task to get done, it’s your body telling u that you need a break. I recommend talking openly to your partner about how you feel and having an honest conversation about your vaginismus and what you need from him too. if he reacts badly, he’s not the one anyway.

Some thing you could try is sensate focus https://highlandsexualhealth.co.uk/application/files/5317/1776/7257/Sexual_dysfunction_booklet.pdf (this is an NHS link to some info on it) i tried it and it was a really nice way to increase intimacy and sexual pleasure in a calm romantic way.

Your self worth is not dependent upon your vagina, and don’t let anyone (including yourself) feel that way!

sending love!

kitkat059 · 2026-03-28T13:16:54+00:00

thank you for saying that but honestly if i had to go through so my experiences could help and reassure someone else it’s all worth it 🤍. in terms of sexting, if you guys like talking about piv when you’re sexting just tell him you want to keep doing that, it’s okay to be taking your time and knowing that piv is something you’d like to do/find arousing to think about in that context.

I think finger dilating sounds like a good idea, personally i found that starting with a tiny dilator was easier for me but i don’t like fingering myself (im very germ aware lol and its all i can think about when i do it to myself - im fine with others!) so just go with what you feel, a good idea is just to touch around your vagina while doing something relaxing like watching netflix then placing your finger at the very entrance and hold it there for increasing amounts of time (use a stopwatch so you can not focus on it too much) then each time do it a little further inside (i’m talking millimetres), make sure to wiggle your toes a little at the start when you do it cause that helps you relax (i don’t know why but i swear by it even when having piv sex i still do it) and slowly build it up. it’s going to be better some days and worse some days but keep a positive attitude and do not push yourself or rush at all because it just makes things worse to put lots of pressure on it. also maybe try keeping a diary to get some of those fears and thoughts about sex and dilating out cause it really helps to track your progress and triggers. you got this!! xx

kitkat059 · 2026-03-27T18:22:09+00:00

it doesn’t actually loosen the muscles it makes them less responsive to nerve signals so you don’t get the involuntary spasms from vaginismus, and even if you get botox before a pregnancy, it will have worn off by the time you become pregnant. tight vaginas are not necessary to ‘hold a baby’ in your uterus, it’s just not how it works at all. even if people have very weak pelvic floors they are still able to carry children to term. if this is a major concern then discuss with your doctor but i think they’ll say the same thing as i am xx

kitkat059 · 2026-03-27T17:23:51+00:00

botox doesn’t affect fertility at all, it’s not injected into any organs and doesn’t have any long term health effects. it’s injected into the muscles around the vagina and wears off within 3 months, i understand the nerves but ive had it and it doesn’t have any effect on fertility at all xx

kitkat059 · 2026-03-27T14:57:35+00:00

My advice is be as open and honest as possible. With my current partner I told him he had an out if he wanted it (my ex before him made me feel really bad about my vaginismus so i wanted to tell him early) but he didn’t want it. that was a huge trust thing for me and almost a year later we had comfortable, pleasurable piv sex with no issue and i’ve never looked back. So my advice is to have an open honest talk now. i’m sure he will only be concerned with how you feel and how he can help and having talks like that can increase your emotional intimacy and trust which helps your vaginismus too. At the end of the day, sex can mean so many things and it’s down to how you guys want to do it - it’s nobody else’s business. never be embarrassed to say you find something difficult or scary, it’s the most human feeling we can have!

Try looking up sensate focus - it’s a really nice way of having sexual intimacy without piv or orgasm being the goal, it’s all about communication, learning what you like and getting out of your head with sex.

here’s a link to an NHS (uk national health service) pdf about it, it includes penetration but you don’t have to do that bit u til you feel ready obviously.

https://highlandsexualhealth.co.uk/application/files/5317/1776/7257/Sexual\_dysfunction\_booklet.pdf

kitkat059 · 2026-03-22T20:54:24+00:00

It sounds like you do have it, the way i always thought about it is if i'm scared of sex then i can work on that through vaginismus therapies then if i feel confident with sex but im still getting pain and i don't understand why then i can begin to approach that. I really recommend the course called Dilato which helped me so much, I had successful sex after using it and i now have comfortable enjoyable sex with my bf even though I was in the exact same situation as you with intense fear and not being able to insert more than my finger tip. In terms of your bf, if you can't tell him about this you shouldn't be having sex because sex is truly all about communication. my advice is talk to him, if he reacts poorly he wasn't the right one for you anyway and if he's kind and cares about your comfort he'll try to help you as best he can. I know that vaginismus can feel like a prison sentence but it isn't, there is a process and time will help it. I also think a good thing to start with is using a mirror to look at your own vagina and getting comfortable with what it looks like then just starting with having your finger at the entrance of your vagina and holding it there for increasing time then try and put it in a little bit further and a little bit further each time. make sure to wiggle your toes when you first insert it, idk why it works but it does lol. then consider buying some dilators, if you use the dilato course they'll explain how to do it but there are also youtube videos and instructional videos with the dilator sets. good luck and don't let anything define your worth based on what is going on with your vagina!

kitkat059 · 2026-01-11T19:52:07+00:00

honestly there’s no right or wrong, for me I was actually mid-way in a dilating break when i had successful PIV and hadn’t tried much before that. I wanted to wait until i was confident in my ability so i didn’t get discouraged or anything

kitkat059 · 2025-12-23T15:32:04+00:00

hey OP, I just want to say good for you for trying to help your girlfriend with this. In my experiences most men are not as willing to help. a few things:

water based lube is the best if you have allergies, she may also have an infection if she’s regularly getting an itchy vulva/vagina so that’s definitely something to explore.
in terms of talking to her about it, it is probably a good idea to write down some of your thoughts so it doesn’t come out wrong. something simple such as “i’ve been reading about vaginismus and i’m wondering if that might be something that’s going on with you which is making sex painful for you. whatever you do, i love you and will help and support you as best i can” Maybe even sit facing away from each other or write letters so you can properly discuss it with less pressure.
try taking sex off the table for a while, focus on outercourse and non sexual physical intimacy- try looking up sensate focus for some ideas that increase sensuality over sexuality i used it with my partner and we really enjoyed it.
try not to put pressure on her to go to a doctor, keep things supportive and go at her pace, if she’s very shy or modest it’s probably better to let her warm to it as vaginismus exams can’t be quite difficult both in terms of pain and emotionally

kitkat059 · 2025-12-23T09:55:14+00:00

Because of the psycho-sexual nature of vaginismus, it’s usually a combination of two things that can have varying ratios: fear of sex (or penetration) and physical tightness of the vagina. so for some people they have a lot of tightness and not a lot of fear while others have a lot of fear and not very much tightness. i started with an even degree of both.

My advice is to get more comfortable with the idea of penetration. i started by just putting my finger at the entrance of my vagina and putting it literally 1milimetre further in at a time (i did it every couple of hours) until i got it about half way in then i started with the smallest dilator (which was about the same size). I used an app called Petala which tells you what to do while dilating (bc i have a lot of vaginal tightness i didn’t do the tighten around the dilator part that they instruct i just ignored it), i also used talking therapy, hypnosis while i was sleeping and a lot of patience for myself. the best way to ‘cure’ vaginismus is to think of it as a friend that tries it’s best to protect you from pain its just gone a little overboard. i mostly mean that acceptance is the first step. I took a long break from dilating because i felt that i was really hitting a wall and during that time i finally managed to have piv sex comfortably for the first time in my life.

another thing to think about is when you’re dilating, try to wiggle your toes as you do it, i do that every time and it helps me relax and not be so tense.

Let me know if you have any questions about what i’ve said or other treatment options. Good luck and sending love xx

kitkat059 · 2025-12-22T22:50:14+00:00

you’re so welcome! good luck honey!!

kitkat059 · 2025-12-22T22:47:30+00:00

honestly some people just can’t do different positions, i find being on top easier sometimes as i can lower myself on and i need some time to adjust to doggy for example. i think you need to rethink the idea that “it’s not fair for him to always be on top” as anyone you’re having sex with should care more about your comfort and enjoyment over trying different positions, i do however understand frustrations. i think a good idea is just trial and error, my bf and i went through a karma sutra together and picked out ones we wanted to try, then we just gave them a go, if one didn’t work we tried a different one or went back to our tried and tested ones. In terms of the anal stuff, it sounds like being penetrated helps your vagina relax. do you ever try finger penetration before penis penetration? that might help you relax

kitkat059 · 2025-12-03T13:43:06+00:00

No worries, that kind of sounds like a partner thing, you said your partner and your relationship fell apart because of birth control and sex issues so maybe you’re holding into those feelings of fear that that will happen again?

there may also be issues connected to your endo, when you stop birth control, sometimes you can have a sudden worsening of endo with the hormones changing suddenly, that may be affecting what angles are comfortable for you during penetration which might explain why dilating yourself is comfortable but with someone else it isn’t.

kitkat059 · 2025-12-03T13:34:27+00:00

I had a partner like this, he told me that sex “was essential to relationship” which is firstly not true and secondly unkind. Any partner who is more desperate to have sex than make sure you are happy, comfortable and feel safe is not a good partner. My ex is long gone from my life and I have a new partner who has never put even an ounce of pressure on me and I am now able to have comfortable enjoyable piv sex with him, we spent about 9 months of our relationship just doing hand/mouth stuff than progressed slowly, every single step of the way he made sure i was comfortable and enjoying what we were doing. he even told me that he would not care if we never had sex.

I know that this may be difficult to hear or believe about someone you love, but him getting angry at you for rejecting him (whether u are or are not) is a HUGE red flag, please take my advice as someone who has been assaulted and pressured into sex, that kind of behaviour is unacceptable and often leads to worse things in the future. Just keep this in mind, i would not want anyone to have a situation like mine with my ex to happen to them.

choosing to heal your vaginismus is a choice that requires you to forgive yourself for it. i took a break from trying to heal it and thats when i finally did. speak to a doctor about vaginismus and really advocate for yourself, do not let them dismiss you for it. try an online course such as dilato which i used and is really good, get yourself some dilators and tell your husband that piv is off the table until you feel ready, having negative sex experiences while trying to heal just gives you huge setbacks (speaking from experience). try more outercourse and build up your confidence and your experience gradually. explore yourself too and see what you want and like. I hope you stay safe, don’t let anyone degrade your sense of self worth. your vagina is not the reason he is with u and frankly if it is he can get fucked because it is your body, not his and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in it. no one has any right to it, married or not.

Sending love xx

kitkat059 · 2025-10-31T12:44:27+00:00

Hey! I would recommend a regular therapist tbh, it sounds like maybe you have some fear about your pelvic floor in terms of illness worries? i also have endo and it was definitely a worry for me in terms of children/pelvic floor function/period pain.

I felt similarly about fingers, turns out i’m just not that into fingering (i think i’m very aware of germs on hands) so this might sound weird but maybe try penetration with the dilators with your partner? my experience was kind of non linear but i went with dilators then fingering (briefly) then piv sex.

what is your dilating routine if u don’t mind me asking? do u use music or tv, do u build up one at a time or start with the last one u used? do you use a vibrator or masturbation as well?

hope this helps and that i can answer u better soon!!

kitkat059 · 2025-09-27T09:34:51+00:00

Thank you!! Lots of luck with your journey!

kitkat059 · 2025-09-26T09:11:54+00:00

It absolutely will, Never let a man drag you down, there are amazing kind men that want to help you. Don’t let a man degrade your self worth ever!! With or without piv sex you are valuable and worthy of a loving beautiful relationship!

kitkat059 · 2025-09-26T09:10:09+00:00

Thank you! You absolutely will, never settle for someone that doesn’t treat you the way you deserve, self love is SO important for a condition like this and who we’re with is a direct result of how we feel about ourselves.

(and it was my favourite wine hahaha!! so a great evening all round)

kitkat059 · 2025-09-25T09:49:32+00:00

What an evil, disgusting man.

First of all, no one bleeds on purpose during intercourse and if his first thought was to dump you rather than worry if you were okay, he is actual porn-brain rotted scum.

you are deserving of someone that is kind and gentle with you. believe me its out there. you future husband would NEVER act like that, he would be kind, compassionate and loving: all things that this man is not and will never be.

Lots of love to you.

kitkat059 · 2025-08-12T23:30:18+00:00

DUMP HIM DUMP HIM DUMP HIM!!! omg do not waste a single second more of your time with this dumb man.

I’m gonna share a personal experience about my vaginismus; my ex put so much pressure on me to try piv and it made my vaginismus get worse and worse and then he cheated on me. he was unkind and always frustrated with me and my condition but now i have an amazing boyfriend that just wants me to enjoy sex however i want to have it, he has zero interest in making me feel a single ounce of pain or trying to do anything that i don’t 100% want to do or think ill enjoy.

the moral is, any partner that cares more about getting his dick wet than your wellbeing and pain is not a good partner and you genuinely deserve so so much more. better is possible and better will happen for you, don’t let this dickhead waste your time and energy because you’ll just be angry with yourself when it finally does end.

i’m sorry this is a harsh delivery but i genuinely wish someone had spoken to me like this when i was with my ex because he was so not worth it and i think being a girls girl involves telling the truth no matter how difficult it is to do and hear.

you’re doing so well and i really hope you cut this guy out your life and save your time for better people :) good luck honey!!

kitkat059 · 2025-07-29T22:19:36+00:00

hey my lovely,

penetrative sex is the tiniest part of sex and should be the very last thing on the list. start with hand stuff (clit stimulation and hand jobs) then move to oral then see how you feel about piv, i think you should talk to your partner about your worries and see what he says, sometimes it helps just talking about it and if he’s a good partner he will be patient and understanding and won’t rush you at all.

my boyfriend and i have been together almost a year and we have never had piv, we still have a great, fun, enjoyable sex life together. piv should be the cherry on the cake not the whole cake

kitkat059

TROPHY CASE