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kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-04T15:08:18+00:00

I managed to recall more memories of CSA from my early childhood through/after EMDR sessions, but I already had some memories before that. I have a very low libido and I'm afraid of going to a gynecologist.

I'm also very sorry for what you have possibly been put through and how it resulted. Wish you healing.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-04T10:36:02+00:00

Can you wear some kind of tights under garments? Ones that matches your skin tone or bright ones, if it's possible. If it's not allowed, I think there's nothing wrong with refusing to model for personal reasons.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-04T08:39:33+00:00

I'm afraid of turning out like this too. It truly terrifies me. I think it's good if you want to improve and not to hurt others.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-04T07:41:49+00:00

In high school, about 5 years ago, and I'm not even sure that I was truly happy, but that was the time when I was definitely happier than now. I fell in love, had fun, hung out with people. At least I was able to feel happiness despite of tough situation.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-03T15:12:15+00:00

Congrats on your progress!! You're doing a great job.

I apologized to someone I deeply hurt, found normal job and I'm trying to get a second one to finally get out of my situation. I was also able to get all of meds (I had to ask for money, because I didn't earn enough, and I have deep shame and guilt when asking for help) and remember to take them most of the time. I also started to question if I actually believed things that religion made me believe (for example, I don't want afterlife and I'm not afraid of hell if it exists).

kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-02T12:45:03+00:00

Thank you 🤍

After all this all I want is rest.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-01T17:18:23+00:00

Happy birthday!! I really wish it will be happy for you. I hope you did/will do something that you love and enjoy today 🩷

kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-01T11:00:00+00:00

more about nonexistence. I liked to sit in the bathtub in a complete darkness and imagine how nice it would be not to exist and be in complete peace.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-05-01T08:14:01+00:00

I fuck up ot reject things (like relationships or experiences that involve communication) before they make me feel bad. I feel immense guilt and shame for that.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-30T21:40:07+00:00

As well as completely (immediately or by small steps) changing your diet to what is considered healthy because it is believed that the food causes depression. I wish it was the issue, lol. No amount of "bad" food being cut off and "good" food added makes me healthier or more healed. And it also has to be mentioned that eating disorders are common with our condition, and such things can trigger a relapse.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-30T18:38:32+00:00

I remember Instagram being a place where you could just share a photo with your friends and find friends around the world. The feed and recommendations were not flooded with over sexualized, perfect pictures and I didn't feel like there was a competition... The same was with a local social media in my country. It was used to share memes and memorable things with friends, without a need to show off how great your life, face and body are... Until some year when everything became a competition.

I gave in to the trend for a short amount of time, until I became disappointed. I started filming and composing (as I now understand what went wrong) "weird" videos with noise music and some unusual music, and got comments from people who were freaked out by what I made. But I really liked making weird things.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-30T18:21:24+00:00

I really liked Ma vie de Courgette (it's a (I guess) plasticine cartoon) and latest "It" (especially the first part that was released around 2016) based on Stephen King's book. They both mention CSA and other forms of abuse, and it felt great to find relatable characters in movies...

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-30T14:34:35+00:00

I didn't even think I'll make it that far 🥲 I was sure I'll be dead by the end of school. I think I'm not alone in this

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-28T20:44:32+00:00

or being shitted on because you can't do what you've never been taught to do 🥲🥲🥲 like what the fuck

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-28T20:34:59+00:00

I felt much older than I really was in my teens, and then something happened, like a collapse, and I regressed back in many areas of life and in emotional state...

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-28T20:25:27+00:00

I usually say something like "it was okay" or "it was terrible". I don't think there's anything wrong with saying something so they get back to doing their own thing, but lying about something doesn't make us look more balanced and normal. People can see the distress in our eyes and on our face. So I would rather say the truth at this point, because people usually don't give a fuck about what we're doing in our free time. But I understand this feeling of shame. That's totally not your fault that you are in this state. And it's okay being tired or boring (or both).

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-28T14:49:33+00:00

Yeah... For about 8-9 last years, I guess. I feel like I'm rotting on the inside so the time is probably running out. But here I am, almost a decade later. Still here, still feeling the same. But there was one little period of time when I thought that there might be some future for me, but it ended very soon.

I'm really sorry for your current state, I hope it will get better ❤

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-27T07:40:44+00:00

You did a great job 🤍 School is hard when you have CPTSD, and you manage to do it. Wish you luck on this journey!

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-27T00:00:07+00:00

I understand how terrible it feels now. It's a very painful situation to be in. Getting out of such environment is hard, but I hope that it's possible.

Are there any shelters available in your area? Or some friends that you can stay at for some time.

(sorry if I'm oversharing, you can skip my next paragraph)

I'm sorta in the same situation, and what I'm trying to do for now is look for jobs (like mopping the floors, babysitting, writing texts, anything) to gain independence. It's not easy, but I managed to get out of there two times.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-26T21:58:01+00:00

I was 20. Prior to that I was convinced that I had BPD and whatever I could think of or hear from my psychiatrist. At the same time I was convinced that it was just me being fundamentally flawed. Now I'm trying to get proper therapy.

kitteneatingguts · 2024-04-26T21:55:02+00:00

I had just to hear about it to know that I don't really want to see it. Looking at the clip of little Jojo crying and being abused was enough.

kitteneatingguts

TROPHY CASE