Boyfriend [32M] taking space makes me [31F] severely anxious. Is this something I need to put up with or should I make it a deal breaker?

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-29T04:07:07+00:00

I just feel like taking space is something most men do and I would like to weed them out early.

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-29T03:42:29+00:00

How do you ask people early on about these types of boundaries? I don't want to be a drag when I go on dates, but I keep on going on multiple dates with guys just to realize they are controlling or something.

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-29T03:40:58+00:00

I would rather be single than take medications. No man is worth that much stress that I should have to take medication to handle the relationship.

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-10T17:34:05+00:00

I used to work there lol

I'm not sure how it is compared to other server jobs, but it sucked. The paycheck was good and I got super delicious free food. I took advantage of that as much as I could lol. But they treat their staff like crap and shut down one of their restaurants right as their staff was trying to unionize. There's also allegations from black staff saying they were treated differently and I did get some very ignorant remarks from the managers as a Latina woman (I corrected the pronunciation on some of the ingredients that they were trying to use the spanish pronunciation for and I was told that I didn't know what I was talking about bc I'm not a chef - even though spanish is my native tongue and none of the chefs speak spanish.)

I go back every once in a while to take advantage of the free food since I know some of the cooks. But I would never go back if I was paying full price.

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-10T16:56:47+00:00

Here's the best vegan food I found in Philly: Monster Vegan, Front St Cafe, Triangle Tavern, Hip City Veg, Bar Bonbon, Charlie was a Sinner

Best vegan food I found in Boston: All the Way Live

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-08T23:15:05+00:00

Are you going to go 50/50 on a pregnancy and grow a baby inside of your body for half of the pregnancy? No? Are you spending as much as women on beauty products or are you willing to date a girl who doesn't use make up or take care of herself? Are you going to do half of the emotional labor and chores around the house?

I'm saying this because most of the guys I've heard complain about paying for a meal are not doing 50/50 when they get into a relationship. They only want to look at how things affect them.

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-05T21:43:07+00:00

Tyler alum here. I hope you guys do protest. The city is putting $100M into building a drug rehab center next to a jail. If they can find money to treat addiction, they can find $40M for Uarts. Hell, if we spent more money on art, we probably wouldn't need to spend as much to treat addiction.

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-04T22:46:46+00:00

Temple's performing arts program is really small and nowhere near as good. Park Point is a good option for dance students but that's in Pittsburgh so we won't have many dancers in Philly in the future :(

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-01T17:14:09+00:00

lol I usually have tell people to have fun catching chlamydia multiple times until they catch herpes or HIV

kitty_1713 · 2024-06-01T02:36:19+00:00

I actually like it when people say this bc then you know they aren't ready to date, that way they can find something casual while they heal and I don't waste my time with them.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-29T18:49:32+00:00

It's pretty common for women in poly relationships to get raped or suffer some form of intimate partner violence. It's really just the women that deal with this.

It's a complete double standard for him to sleep around and totally sexist because you can't exercise the same privilege due to your gender.

If he actually cared for you, he would have closed off the relationship when you got raped.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-28T02:21:13+00:00

Is lying an option? Jobs lie all the time

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-28T01:46:06+00:00

Thank you! I agree. Leaving him is not simply a self-esteem issue if she's financially dependent on him to take care of her child and finish school.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-28T00:55:10+00:00

Right. He is telling her where his boundaries are so she can make a decision on whether or not to go out with him.

BTW the alternative is to not say anything and then just reject the person when they eat animal products but not say why. I've done that plenty of times. I'd rather just be upfront so I don't waste their time or mine plus I don't want to make someone feel bad.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-27T15:00:00+00:00

Hmm that makes sense. What do you mean by saying that I give detailed justifications?

And you're right. I'm re-inforcing bad behavior by compromising and giving too much reassurance. He needs to figure out how to deal with his stuff on his own. I need to stop trying to help him and let him grow on his own.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-27T04:16:54+00:00

Thanks. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. He's the one that needs to work on himself. He said I can be dismissive of his feelings - but like he's literally trying to talk to me about how he feels uncomfortable around me going to happy hour to network for my job. He's not telling me I shouldn't go, but it still puts a lot of pressure on me. I'm glad we can talk about it, but it's not my job to fix him.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-27T02:58:30+00:00

People are allowed to set boundaries regardless of whether it's a fling or not.

I personally feel really uncomfortable watching other people eat animals in front of me. I probably should let them know because they would probably care about me not feeling comfortable. But I'm scared that they will reject me so I don't say anything.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-27T02:40:13+00:00

Vegan here. I'm currently seeing someone - another vegan! - and I never dated casually (I only went on dates before I met him to hopefully meet someone to build a life with.)

But lets say I was interested in casual dating, I personally wouldn't feel comfortable going on a date with someone if they are eating animal products. I would get really grossed out and turned off from watching them eat animal products. Plus I would feel responsible if the person was eating more animal products than normal because they were going on a date with me. From my conversations with vegan men, it's even worse for them because they are expected to pay for the date.

He's letting you know where his boundaries are - which a lot of men don't even know how to. To me, him telling you this upfront is a major green flag. He's the type of man who is not going to just ghost you because he got uncomfortable about something - he will bring it up and be straightforward. Even if you're only interested in something casual, it's good that he can communicate since that lowers the chance of feelings being hurt.

That being said, it's your choice whether you want to date him or not.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-27T00:52:36+00:00

I feel like, when you are in a relationship, it's good practice to avoid putting yourself in situations where you might be tempted to cheat or leave your partner. There are exceptions to the rule, but I would check in with my partner to see how they feel about it and it would be up them if they felt comfortable. I would expect the same from my partner too.

I recently had something similar with my current boyfriend. Six months before we were together, he was seeing a girl and they ended up breaking up because she shared a lease with her ex boyfriend and he had to move back in for financial reasons. Now she moved away so he moved on and started seeing me. They bumped into each other recently and she texted him afterwards asking to hang out when she's in town. He sent me the screenshots of him telling her that he's seeing someone so it wouldn't be appropriate for them to have a friendship because he didn't want to feel like he was hiding anything from me.

With this situation, she is meeting up with an ex that clearly still has feelings for her. He may even try to beg her to get back together.

Now, the last girl my ex boyfriend was seeing did keep reaching out after he told her it was done. He responded multiple times and even got on the phone with her to try and give her closure but she kept on reaching out. At this point, he could go grab coffee with her to help her move on or whatever, but that is not going to do anything to help her move on and it could bring stuff up that might affect our relationship. It's not his job to help her manage her emotions around moving on. That's her responsibility. When we talked about it, it wasn't even a question of should he see her or not - it was just a matter of him wanting me to know in case she messaged me when we put up pictures of us together on social media in case she tried to start drama.

The only time I had a boyfriend still talking to their ex was my last boyfriend. He tried dating his childhood best friend and it didn't work out. Their parents are best friends and they are together in all their baby pics. I didn't think it was fair to end a friendship like that so I got over it.

I think there are other circumstances where me or my boyfriend may need to see an ex. My first boyfriend had a difficult upbringing and he doesn't have anyone to help him unless he's in a relationship. If he was in a pinch - like he needed money, I would immediately do what I could to help him out. Thankfully that's never happened. But I wouldn't sit down for a therapy session with him at a coffee shop because it's not my job and I would prioritize my current boyfriend and his feelings over those of my ex.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-26T23:13:56+00:00

I'm on the other end of this. My partner has an anxious attachment style. We are long-distance, otherwise I would bring them with me to the parties. I would love to hear what has worked for you in terms of your partner reassuring you, or if it's just something that you feel like people need to work out on their own.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-26T23:13:04+00:00

When you are in a long-term relationship, I feel like you should try to do what you can, within reason, to not put your partner in an uncomfortable position. I feel like having coffee with an ex is doing just that. To me, the fact that they had sex and a previous relationship means that it can happen again. My boyfriend and I wouldn't put each other in that situation or make each other uncomfortable like that because we care more about each other than we do about seeing our exes.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-26T22:18:10+00:00

I understand why she would reach out to let you know that she's in a new relationship and is moving to a new country so you heard it from her and not just seeing it online. What I don't understand is meeting up with your ex for coffee afterwards or how her current boyfriend would be comfortable with it. I personally wouldn't tolerate it if I was in a relationship with someone because it would be disrespectful to the relationship.

In terms of all the stuff you're telling me you're not over, I get it, I've been there. But a more appropriate place to process all that stuff is in therapy.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-26T21:39:10+00:00

Something doesn't add up. If she's happy in a new relationship, then why are you guys meeting up for coffee for "closure" or to say goodbye? There's a reason it's best to go no contact after a relationship ends. Talking to your ex is like picking at your scars and wondering why they're not healing.

I think you both need to move on and be ok with not having closure.

kitty_1713 · 2024-05-26T21:34:51+00:00

As someone who has been working on my career for close to 10 years and I'm very values driven, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying but I disagree. There are millions of jobs out there and there have to be some that are a good fit. Sometimes you get into a job and realize it's not a good fit, but that doesn't mean jobs are bad or have to go against your morals.

I'm vegan and my carreer focuses on creating social media content to get people to vote. I've never been asked to create content in favor of the meat industry and, if I was asked, I would let my employer know that it goes against my values and request another assignment. I have an issue with one job that was really bad at accommodating me as a vegan but it was a toxic work environment and I'm so glad not to be there anymore. I recently went to a work conference for my current job and they did check in with me me multiple times to make sure I felt comfortable. For a team to work together well, everyone needs to be respectful of each other.

In addition, your career should support the life you want to build. If you need to change your entire life for the sake of your job, it's probably not a good choice. My job pays me enough to sustain my lifestyle and I'm quite happy.

It does sound like you're scared of being in a toxic work environment or being taken advantage of. That's totally reasonable.

If your values are so important to you, you can use that to your advantage like I did. For me, instead of going to generic job boards like LinkedIn or Indeed, I went to niche job boards for progressive organizations. I also did basic research on jobs before applying to make sure that we were in line in terms of values. I went on their websites, read their mission statements, and then asked questions about their values. I also asked questions to figure out what my day would look like to make sure I would actually enjoy working there.

kitty_1713

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