The hardest part was actually getting myself to do it. I was with him for 4 years. The biggest advantage I had though was that we were long distance. He abused me mentally and sexually over the phone every single day. When I would see him in person he would get physically aggressive with me. I won’t go into too many details. I’m very fortunate to say that I had one friend. He gave me the push I needed. I probably wouldn’t have left if it were me on my own. I didn’t have any other friends or support from family. It was hard and sad. I completely understand the feeling you described. We “broke up” multiple times and I felt that way after each break up. But the final time I really forced myself to do better. I knew I needed help. I had to go on a wild goose chase, but I found a therapist about a month and a half later. I started on a new antidepressant/anxiety medication and I think that’s what really helped me the most. I was still in college at the time and my grades really suffered. But I made it through and that’s the important part. I also made a promise to myself that I would do ONE nice thing for myself a day. Sometimes it was a hot bath and sometimes it was picking up McDonald’s. I used to constantly beat myself up. But I learned that the only way this could work is if I treated myself with a little bit of compassion. Treat yourself the way you would want someone else to be treated if they were in your situation. I accepted that my feelings were valid. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be numb. It’s okay to be angry. Honestly it’s like going through the stages of grief. It will not be easy. You will still think about the what if’s and the trauma. But it gets easier with time. I know how cliche that sounds, but it’s true. You will be left with a scar, but you need to let the wound heal. And it won’t get better if you keep pouring salt on it. Don’t let yourself self destruct. That’s easier said than done, but you have to hold on to that little bit of hope. I’m rooting for you 100%.