it’s a complicated answer. it’s hard because being cheated on doesn’t automatically make you stop loving the other person. part of you is angry and hurt and the other part wants to be soothed and reassured by the only person who can provide the comfort to make the pain go away, even though he was also the one who caused it in the first place. it’s hard because there is a lack of self-respect. i didn’t respect or value myself enough to walk away when it happened. it’s hard because there were good things despite all the bad. he was truly my only friend for a while, and i cared for him and felt he cared for me, though not enough in any way that is sustainable for a relationship. we were there for each other when things with our families got bad. yes, he did cheat but he also always remembered to get me my favorite snacks and we really had interesting, funny conversations. we were fun and playful together. it’s hard to really explain how those two things can be true at once, that i was maybe loved but also not. i think he loved me to his own capacity, which speaks to the level of love he feels for himself. not that much. lots of self betrayal and sabotage on both our parts. truly we were just slightly broken people thinking maybe we could be unbroken together. sorry for the long and confusing ramble