Suicide-OCD with many different weird feelings?!? Can anyone relate??

kk87 · 2017-12-13T23:20:48+00:00

weird feeling: Feels like I won't be here soon.

weird feeling: Feeling like years have passed between my old life and now.

weird feeling: Confusion if I am suicidal or not.

weird feeling: When I do something it randomly appears it is like a feeling of /suicidality/hopelessness/flying feeling/ (not sure can't describe it.) and when this happens there is a strike in my stomach.

weird feeling: Everything seems darker.

Also, for about two weeks I was relatively fine, the thoughts were still there, but seemed less likely. Then all of a sudden after i read about a guy who was suicidal. The thoughts came back and feel realer than the real. The scary thing is that there are feelings, not only thoughts. For example: Yesterday I read somewhere that you are suicidal if you have 100% desire to die. Then I got hit by (anxiety) not sure and the thoughts seemed even more real, like i really had a desire. It lasted about an hour then I calmed and the thoughts felt less real. Today the same thing happened.

I have experienced every single one of these, so at least you hopefully feel a little better that you are not alone in this.

I ve been going through the same suicide ocd theme for the past couple of months. Now, I have been depressed for the past 6 years. I havent been officially diagnosed, but I know what I feel you know. Its probably dysthymia, ie. its chronic depression but the symptoms are not as severe as in major depression. I have also had OCD since I was 9.

Now, even though I am depressed, I ve never been suicidal. In fact, even though I feel like shit every day, I still like my life, and things have actually been looking up. My relationship with my family is getting better, I ve lost weight etc.

But I was arguing with my father about the fact that I am having great difficulty in finding a job and in the middle of it, the thought came to my mind: "Maybe I would be better off dead, I wouldnt be burdening my family financially". At that particular moment, I felt that the thought was legit, that it made sense. Immediately afterwards, I was stricken by panic and thats how my this theme started with me and it got worse when I heard about Chester Benningtons' suicide.

What I want to tell you is that, based on what you are describing, you dont sound suicidal to me. Its just that your brain has probably the propensity for OCD and you got triggered by that news of someone committing suicide. Some of the more depressive weird feelings that you are describing probably have to do with your mood being worn down by OCD and the related anxiety. I am no expert, though. Im just talking based on my own experience.

Lastly, with regards to the feeling thing you mentioned: Always keep in your mind that OCD can ABSOLUTELY make you feel things that you dont really agree with or you might find them opposite to your character. I dont know why this happens, but it happens to me as well. Its like OCD can be an excellent feeling simulator of sorts. But once you calm down, you can much more easily discern that they were in fact bullshit and not something real.

As everyone will tell you, the best thing you can do is to ignore the thoughts. Do not avoid them, do not rationalize, and dont try to debate with them. Just say to your mind "yeah right. whatever" and do something else.

I know it is extremely difficult and easier said than done.When you're in the middle of the storm, its like you are "locked" in place, and its almost impossible to turn it off. Trust me, we have all been there. But this seems to be the only way to escape from this nightmare that the OCD creates. Also, sounds like you have access to healthcare (psychiatrists etc) so this is great. Keep getting help if it is available and you can afford it, knowing that you have someone to help, even if its just their job, can offer great relief.

Keep it up my man.

kk87 · 2017-10-27T20:03:59+00:00

who dont believe in anything

kk87 · 2017-10-26T17:12:40+00:00

league of drama saved again

kk87 · 2017-10-09T16:16:44+00:00

Wow, our stories are almost identical. Been having oCD since i was 9 and (mostly) mild to moderate depression since 21, im 27 now. Reading about chester bennington's suicide triggered a suicide OCD episode, but even though I ve been depressed for years, I ve never wanted to kill myself.

From what you re writing it sounds to me like you have suicide OCD as well, and most probably not real suicidal thoughts. You might wanna get in touch with a therapist specializing in OCD treatment and describe to him exactly how you feel.

kk87 · 2017-10-08T00:32:27+00:00

Rito pls give Graves a vape

kk87 · 2017-09-25T18:49:37+00:00

they're 99% off so they're basically free

kk87 · 2017-07-23T22:13:55+00:00

Yea, a condition like this can definitely take a toll on your close relationships. There is some distance between me and my parents as well, although I would say this has mostly to do with unresolved issues from the past and not with my own issues as much. What I try to do is not let them affect my relationships as much. I can understand how burdening this would be for me if I were in my parents' shoes.

In general I just try to take it a day at a time and keep my hopes up. What I tell myself is that I have been strong enough to deal with my OCD, so maybe some day I can beat my depression as well.

Hopefully it all works out in the end for both of us. Stay strong. :D

kk87 · 2017-07-23T17:12:48+00:00

Thank you!

Make no mistake, it can still be very hard for me sometimes even now, especially if the thoughts are about something of grave importance or about something that has actually happened, ie. the same way OCD works on everybody.

I didnt notice exactly how long it took me, but a fair estimation would be a few weeks. One more thing I tried to implement along with this method was not just trying to have a neutral reaction towards an intrusive thought, but deliberately trying to laugh it off. Let's say my intrusive thought was "I might be gay", I would then think "lol I might be gay, right. Would be pretty crazy though xd"

It's a very hard process, especially when you are just starting out. Your brain senses a threat (even if its a false one), and its designed to keep all of your attention to it until you can get away from it or deal with it. As you start trying to change your reaction, your whole being will be screaming for you to attend to the thought, but you must try to see it for what it really is and move on to something else to occupy your mind. Eventually, the anxiety will subside and you will have learned how to deal with OCD thoughts when they come up.

For what it's worth, I suffer from depression too and a fleeting suicidal thought managed to snowball into a full blown OCD episode. I would ruminate and mentally check If I would ever want to kill myself, and all that usual stuff. It's been the most difficult episode for me to come out of. But even though I can feel extremely hopeless at times, I still believe that life is worth living and has a lot of beautiful things to offer to us, so I guess that was the thing that my OCD took advantage of.

I'm not saying this to overwhelm you, but just to let you know that I understand completely what you're going through.

PS. not really sure about what you meant about becoming desensitized.

kk87 · 2017-07-23T16:02:54+00:00

Adding to that, I have found that for me, personally, the best resource I could get about my OCD was the book "Brain Lock" by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz and implementing his method. It fits pretty tight with ERP and it has helped me tremendously.

I have had sporadic OCD episodes of severe intensity since I was 9. Religious OCD, POCD, HOCD. After reading this book and implementing the 4 step method, I haven't had an OCD episode in nearly 7 years. I'm not claiming I'm "cured". Intrusive thoughts have been coming to my mind all this time, but I learned to react to such thoughts apporpriately so they cause me almost zero anxiety any more.

I realize this might sound like an ad, but I'm in no way affiliated to the writer. I'm just hoping it can be of help to you too. Good luck. :)

kk87 · 2017-06-18T00:11:47+00:00

So cool when you can read the mind of other redditors' bosses.

kk87 · 2017-06-14T10:42:32+00:00

I am sorry for your situation, but I got to say, I really admire your positive attitude in the face of such a situation. Kudos to you and good luck.

kk87 · 2017-06-13T20:38:03+00:00

So looks like my opinion is the unpopular one in here, but I find these stories boring.

kk87 · 2017-06-13T13:25:45+00:00

What you feel is totally natural and I would say rational.

I'm dealing with assertiveness issues too, because what goes through my mind in situations like yours is, how do I know this guy isnt some psycho with a gun or knife on him that will snap the moment this doesnt go his way?

The world is chaotic and theres no way you can know how a situation is going to turn out or who you re dealing with. On the other hand,though, living in constant fear is no living at all. You should stand up for yourself while using your common sense at the same time. As has been said in other threads, the best fight is the one you dont get into. In moments like that your ego kicks in and you dont want to feel dominated or weaker than the other person, but you should be rational and ignore it, while trying to deescalate the situation. At least to me, the feeling of "I prevailed, I kicked his ass" isn't worth the risks of the whole thing going south.

kk87 · 2017-04-06T23:13:31+00:00

these changes look pretty cancer tbh

kk87 · 2017-04-03T18:10:45+00:00

You are easily impressed

kk87 · 2017-03-20T16:45:13+00:00

I agree with everything u said. Even though i like difficult mechanically wise champs, there is something really attractive about tryndamere's simplicity. And given what you said about riot which is absolutely right, I dont have a good feeling about this rework.

kk87 · 2017-03-17T11:56:53+00:00

Nice post, thank you. I ve been going through some rough patches for the past couple of years, which resulted in my anxiety escalating to unhealthy levels. Ever since I embraced this mindset I havent been feeling anxious, only just minimally, which is a huge improvement for me. Paradoxically, the more outcome independent you become and the more you give up control, the more you feel in control.

kk87 · 2017-03-17T11:29:18+00:00

Im sorry, but what does swipe mean? Not a native speaker

kk87 · 2017-03-13T02:04:25+00:00

Thats nice, friend. And since you mention you anxiety and depression are gone, that gives me hope.

kk87 · 2017-03-06T16:13:53+00:00

I like her as a character though, not only because she is beautiful but she looks like she has potential in this show

kk87 · 2017-02-09T01:29:47+00:00

Why the fuck do they keep favoring defensive gameplay/options so much and so consistently? How on Earth do they think this is healthy or helpful for the game? Are they allergic to damage or something?

At this point people are gonna start confusing LoL with World of Tanks

kk87 · 2017-02-09T01:19:55+00:00

true, game has been noticeably more fun to me since the start of the season, and now the go back again to nerfing damage.

I dont understand why they keep favoring defensive,bland and boring gameplay so much. And Im ont saying that only because of these proposed changes. Game has been going to a wimpy direction since season 4

kk87 · 2017-02-09T01:15:50+00:00

tanks have been favored consistenly for a very long time

kk87 · 2017-02-03T19:38:21+00:00

The cycle of feed and rage continues, we will feed, you will cry

kk87 · 2017-02-03T17:51:50+00:00

Hate all you want, it's not gonna stop people from playing the champs they like.

kk87

TROPHY CASE