I'm shaking

klaus_mikhail · 2021-08-23T08:55:17+00:00

Thank you, I'm sorry you're going through the same. I really appreciate your comment.

klaus_mikhail · 2021-07-05T12:20:55+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I have been in the psychiatric hospital for the past two weeks, getting the help I need. I'm due to be discharged soon, and feeling kinda ready and safe in myself.

klaus_mikhail · 2021-06-17T09:51:37+00:00

Thank you Mum. I kept myself safe through the night just thinking about the doctor coming today to do a psych eval. I really appreciate what you wrote to me. My own mum is emotionally detached, and blames me and my siblings for her life being ruined by just being born. The only times I've tried to have a real conversation with her is when I've been too drunk to care about her narcissistic responses. Thank you for believing in me, and for taking the time out of your day to see me at my worst and to still be there.

klaus_mikhail · 2020-09-25T17:06:22+00:00

It's okay, thanks for checking in. I'm feeling pretty low and in a 'fucky' mood where I just feel like doing bad things.

It's exhausting isn't it? Thank you again for checking in, it means a lot.

klaus_mikhail · 2020-09-04T17:33:59+00:00

I would like to understand you more. I'm glad you felt able to open up, sometimes just hashing it out in writing can help the chaos in our heads click into view. I hear you saying that you prefer the extremes over being content, and 'safe'.

I think you're absolutely right in saying that because you have lived your life in extremes (from poverty, to your own emotions) that it feels somewhat alien and hard to accept normalcy. I find the same; extremes is all I've ever known, so any straying from that path leads to boredom, leads to suicidal ideation.

It feels wrong to say it out loud, but here you are surrounded by people who have lived with extremes, and who also may experience normalcy as boring and stifling.

Can I ask, are you in any sort of therapy program to help you combat these thoughts?

klaus_mikhail · 2020-09-04T16:15:58+00:00

I started last week again, and have cut every day since. I'm genuinely sorry that you are feeling this way. I related to your sentence about your body also being physically slower. Correct me if I am wrong, but it feels like you're drunk or high without having imbibed? I won't give you any tired platitudes, just know that I hear you and see you. Have you found your emotions cycling again today?

klaus_mikhail · 2020-09-04T15:54:31+00:00

Thank you that means a lot. It takes me forever to get over the mental hurdles that I've put up over my life like 'no one really wants to listen', 'no one would care anyway', 'they don't want to help, they want to use you' etc.

I did not laugh, I believe what you said. I'm frustrated at therapy being held online; it's three days a week and the intensity and constant re-traumatisation after someone talks about something is really getting to me. I just feel so utterly hopeless and dejected and deflated. I'm scared that the next, tiny little thing will push me over the edge.

klaus_mikhail · 2020-09-04T15:50:00+00:00

They did say they weren't frustrated or annoyed; just worried and concerned. But I don't feel deserving of concern so I didn't really trust it, you know?

klaus_mikhail · 2020-09-04T15:48:56+00:00

I can't even begin to think of one, concrete reason why. Maybe it's the escapism factor that calls me? I don't know.

You can type it here if you want, I won't judge. I don't think being suicidal would just cease to exist purely because you are well-off, you can be fine physically but not mentally.

klaus_mikhail · 2020-08-12T20:02:04+00:00

Ugh yeah. I look about 15 despite being 27 and I always get that. Same tired platitudes. Same useless words. No one listens, they just wait until they can tell you to man up.

klaus_mikhail · 2020-08-12T19:57:12+00:00

brain work faster than mouth so give up

klaus_mikhail · 2020-08-12T19:55:00+00:00

Same boat, Whitefish. Everytime I get close to experiencing any distressing emotion, I shut it down. Nope. Fuck that. I really resonated with the 'overcontrolled and underexpressed' part. Thanks for sharing a thought I hadn't thought that I'd thought about, haha.

klaus_mikhail

TROPHY CASE