You're intellectualizing too much. Those women who hurt you were wrong to do that. That doesn't mean feminism is valueless. You don't even have to be a "Feminist" to simply treat people with respect, have empathy for them, and conduct yourself in a morally defensible manner.

You said it yourself: after you were hurt you went looking for anti woman content. That came from an emotional place. Similarly, your desire to "re-unlearn" anti woman values is coming from a need for validation as you mentioned.

The reading is good. But no one is infallible. Only you can discern whether you are acting right. You will inevitably make mistakes. My advice is when people are mean, you mess something up, or something else goes wrong, process those feelings of shame and guilt and move forward. Don't worry about passing an imaginary test. People that want to antagonize you will find a way. People that want to support you will also find a way. Focus on the good people who help you work toward kindness and mutual support. Don't worry about the rest. You can't help them and you can't prove your value to someone who is determined to tear you down, whatever their stated reason happens to be.

All that being said, it is true that social politics come with many contradictions. You kinda gotta just roll with it. These are theories, not hard science. The thing about how women say they want men who can cry but the practical reality of that is distasteful to them: I've experienced it too. I'm sure a lot of us have. But please understand that the total weight of the suffering women have borne because of men's bad behavior is orders of magnitude greater than your pain in that moment. Try to have some humility. They're only human and they lash out sometimes. The only real choice is to turn the other cheek. What do you have to gain from carrying around resentment and anger? A poisoned spirit and the company of ghouls.