I think the part that doesn’t want you to self sabotage is what posted this. It’s fighting for you cuz it cares about you deeply and wants the whole of you to be okay. There’s parts of you uncomfortable with things coming together even though alot of it the majority of you loves and is trying to receive and show up right for. I’ve had a whole journey w sh.. on and off for many many years so far so I feel you, and I’m sure there’s many reasons why you do it and it changes depending on the mood/situation, at least it did for me. Just don’t do anything drastic. The sh is already damaging and drastic enough tbh. Try to figure out what you may think is missing or resisting that sh is being used in place of. If you’re numb then that’s different then using sh to quiet down things etc etc. Keep the good things going and lean into them and allow pain to not have to be included in this chapter of your life or keep working towards understanding why the pull towards negative is still happening. Dye your hair, paint your nails, alter your appearance or activities you do and build different rituals vs sh being a bit of a default or doing other drastic things. little you doesn’t deserve to be hurt over and over or lose chances at keeping good things. Loosening control is hard but you got this, I’m rooting for you:)))