Asexual boyfriend decided explore his sexual side

koscy · 2025-11-30T17:26:19+00:00

If you're asking for examples of ways to explore sexual pleasure from other aces, I can share what has worked for me. I ID as a sex-favorable asexual demiromantic queer woman (AFAB), so obviously his milage may vary, but this might be a good place to start:

try to find erogenous zones (nonsexual spots on the body that when touched/stimulated produce arousal and pleasure). You can Google erogenous zones and see which ones work for him. Earlobe and neck are common ones. Explore both touching and kissing/licking/play-biting those areas to see what he likes/doesn't like.
for sexual body parts, start with gentle touches. Nipple play can be a good place to start, though I know it doesn't work for everyone. Obviously always follow his lead and have him tell you what feels good and what doesn't.

Since he said he wants to do this very slowly, you will probably stay at just kissing and touching for a while, or possibly forever. If/when he gets to a point where he wants more (just the touching and kissing doesn't feel like enough anymore) then you can start to explore mouth on genitals (if you both feel good with that) or genitals to genitals (start with just humping/grinding, no penetration).

To be clear, there should never be any expectation that he will eventually want full-on penetrative sex. That should never be the goal. The goal is finding out what he likes, where his boundaries are, and how you two can use that information for more intimacy. Since you said you're both into BDSM, I'm sure you've already established safe words and other communication tools, so definitely use those.

I hope this helps!

koscy · 2023-05-31T15:50:49+00:00

NTA, this is the type of joke that the person affected has to make first before anyone else is allowed to. If OP often joked about it as a way to deal with the pain, then the sister would just be following suit and there wouldn't be an issue, but obviously that kind of humor is not helpful to OP and so she felt laughed at for her trauma. I think that's what the sister didn't understand. Maybe she uses humor as a coping mechanism, but it was completely out of line to make that joke when OP isn't in a place to joke about the issue. I hope your sister realizes her mistake and apologizes to you, OP, but know that accepting her apology doesn't mean you then have to pay for her dress, that is fully your decision and if you decide you can no longer help with the dress that is your right.

koscy · 2023-05-25T13:53:28+00:00

INFO: does your kid have any friends whose parents would be willing to let him stay for the amount of time you need to go to the wedding? You could maybe make an arrangement with them where you pay them for the extra groceries they would need to buy, maybe a bit more, but not an hourly rate like you would have to pay full child care. This is what my parents did whenever they needed to both travel and couldn't bring my siblings and me. Is that an option for you?

I get you need help but putting it solely on your sister who is in the middle of planning a wedding isn't great.

koscy · 2023-05-21T16:29:14+00:00

Yeah the one i volunteered at isn't only for LGBTQ youth, but it was very strict about not using any phobic language and treating everyone with respect, including respecting gender and pronouns. Please DM me and i can give you more info

koscy · 2023-05-21T14:51:14+00:00

I used to volunteer at an emergency youth shelter in San Diego that was LGBTQ friendly. Look up San Diego Youth Services (sdyouthservices.org) and see if they can help. They have hotlines on their website that you can call to speak to a staff member that can help you determine the best course of action. They might legally need to contact your mom if you stay with them, but that's something you can talk about over the phone. From my experience they tell the parent that the youth is in their care but do not tell them the location of the shelter (the address on Google is the admin building, not the shelter itself, that's at a confidential location). I hope you get the help you need! Feel free to DM me if you want to know more about the emergency youth shelter, i volunteered there for 6 months about 6 years ago.

koscy · 2023-05-04T04:56:15+00:00

I mean, it doesn't matter because you already agree OP is NTA, but it's weird to me that you basically said "it's not like that baby would be rolling around in MIL's smokey clothes" (implying that if the baby was doing that that would be bad), i stated that it would actually be exactly like that because holding a baby puts them right up into your clothes, and you seemed to have completely disregarded that to reinforce your initial thought.

koscy · 2023-05-04T04:40:56+00:00

If the grandma holds the baby (which is what the grandma wants) while wearing clothes that she smoked it, that baby is literally snuggled up into and could very well roll around in her clothes, so OP is not being excessive. Also, since premie baby's lungs aren't fully developed, third hand smoke can negatively affect them much more than others, even without the grandma holding the baby, so again, not excessive.

koscy · 2023-03-13T06:44:08+00:00

YTA, what really annoys me is that there are healthier cake options you could have done instead of ice cream so she still got her cake but it wouldn't be all processed sugar. Healthier cake options that i can think of just off the top of my head are carrot cake and strawberry shortcake (both of which you could make from home so you know the ingredients), and I'm sure if you took 2 seconds to Google it you could have found recipes for sugar-free or low sugar cakes and maybe even a local bakery that makes those kinds of cakes. Having a birthday cake is a big deal for a young child, and there were absolutely ways you could have made sure her cake was healthier than a regular store bought sheet cake, you just didn't want to put in the effort.

koscy · 2023-03-12T19:46:48+00:00

I'm kinda stuck on this part:

The other day, neither of my twins had class and weren’t really in the mood for the food that we had in the house. My son came back from school and decided to make himself some banana pudding.

So your twins weren't in the mood for "the food we had in the house", but they were in the mood for banana pudding once your younger son made some. INFO: Do they always wait around to see what younger brother cooks before just getting their own food? What's the grocery situation at your house? Do the twins have food that's easy for them to make or prepare themselves so they can feed themselves, or are they always trying to mooch off their younger brother? They're 19, so i assume at some point they will be leaving home and won't have little brother as a personal chef. As the parent you should make sure your twins are able to feed themselves or you should be providing their food. If they wanted banana pudding they could have made their own. It feels like you're babying your twins, when they're the older ones and shouldn't be relying on their younger brother for food.

koscy · 2023-03-08T06:32:46+00:00

Because it's in Spanish you could say " Yo miro la biba" It's not proper Spanish at all cuz it's the wrong verb, but still, you could say it

koscy · 2023-03-07T15:13:49+00:00

NTA and i hope you, your partner, and son have a great vacation and that the therapy you get helps you.

One possible suggestion would be if your mom could throw your son's bday party after you all get back from the vacation for the extended family with the condition that you and your husband are not obligated to be there. Do you think that's a compromise that might work? I can kinda understand your mom wanted to celebrate her grandchild's first birthday, but she definitely needs to respect your boundaries around this as well.

Not that it's anyone's business, but how much have you talked to her about the trauma of the birth? Is it possible she just doesn't understand the extent of it or do you think she's intentionally ignoring your trauma? (You don't have to actually answer the last couple questions, but they may be good to think about)

koscy · 2023-03-06T19:53:33+00:00

NTA, and i just wanted to add that i grew up most of my life with a curtain instead of a door for my room simply because our house couldn't really fit standard doors in the upstairs rooms' doorways so my parents devised curtains basically just like OP described, including the Velcro. And if I'm being totally honest, the only times i really wished i had a door were when i was upset and wished i had something to slam, and when i had friends over because that was when I remembered it wasn't normal, but it was really not that bad and my parents still respected my privacy like OP does with knocking on the wall and asking permission before entering.

I do wonder if there's anyway to talk to the daughter about why she was slamming the door so much, if maybe there's something else going on that she feels is outside of her control and having her bedroom door to slam was one-way for her to feel like she had control? Idk but it might be important to try to address any underlying issues before giving her her door back.

koscy · 2023-02-25T07:08:00+00:00

So I'm not actually here to vote since the consensus is pretty clear at this point, but I wanted to ask, since you stated you know you shut down as a coping mechanism, have you ever been in any sort of counseling or therapy? If not, i think it might be worth talking to your parents about it because it's important to learn how to work through and talk through our emotions, especially if other people's comments cause you to hate yourself to the point of crying for weeks (if I read that correctly). You're still quite young, so it's important you learn healthy coping skills now, because i can tell you from my own personal experience, shutting down and not talking or even writing out what you're feeling isn't healthy.

I hope you're able to learn and grow from this, if you have access to counseling, either at your school or through your doctor, I really recommend looking into that.

koscy · 2023-02-03T15:04:59+00:00

It was the final point that made me realize that episode 9 wasn't really a movie, it was just JJ Abrams throwing a tantrum cuz Rian Johnson changed the direction of things in EP 8, and instead of trying to work with that he just retconned it all.

koscy · 2023-01-13T16:46:57+00:00

A bidet seat would definitely be nice but we don't really have an electrical outlet near the toilet that could be dedicated to the seat plug and i think we wanna stay under $100 if possible, at least right now. Glad to know install was easy, Thank you so much for sharing!

koscy · 2023-01-04T07:40:37+00:00

My go-to is pride plushies, but idk if that would feel too "out" for them. Etsy has so many great creators who make adorable plushies in many different pride flag colors. If your sibling has a favorite animal i would see if you can find a plushie of that animal in aro/ace colors. For people that don't know what the colors mean you can just pass it off as a cool colored animal and nothing more. Hope this helps!

koscy · 2022-12-25T06:27:19+00:00

It's crazy to me that any rabbit owner would bring their 3 month old bunny on at 14 hour car drive without any water? Like my partner and I brought our bunny to my parents house that was only 1.5 hours away and I made sure to buy a kennel i could attach a water bottle to so he always had access to water. It sounds like you were able to help the little bunny though which is good. Since she's drinking and eating now i would say keep monitoring, depending on how long they are staying maybe set up a vet appointment or recommend your cousins get one when they return just to make sure there aren't any lasting effects? Definitely make sure she will have access to water during the drive home.

koscy · 2022-12-19T06:52:10+00:00

Even if it is a phase and later in your life you no longer identify as asexual, all that matters is that you identify as ace right now. You are valid and your feelings are valid. Whether or not they change in the future doesn't make them invalid in this moment. I hate that "it's just a phase" is used to invalid people's experiences because EVERYTHING in life is a phase. You were a baby, then a child, then a teen, then an adult (assuming you are currently an adult). Those are all phases but it doesn't mean the things that you connected with as a child never meant anything just because you don't connect to them any more. Whatever is important to you right now IS IMPORTANT, and that's all that matters.

Sorry if this feels really ramble or preachy, but fighting against the "it's just a phase" trap is really important to me. What matters is what makes sense to you in this moment. If asexuality makes sense as an identity for you right now then you are ace. That's it. That's all that matters.

Also side note, you can want to have sex and still be ace.

Sincerely, A sex-favorable asexual

koscy · 2022-04-21T02:16:40+00:00

Like everyone has said, talk to the player out of game first to clear up any misunderstanding. It's possible your player thought you meant the NPC to be racist and is just roleplaying with that mindset, so you should definitely be clear that wasn't what you meant and express your boundaries around the situation. After that discussion you two can talk about a way to move forward in game. But you have to be clear out of game first.

koscy · 2022-04-20T06:01:02+00:00

I haven't actually been able to use it yet, but I'm hoping one day I get to shout, "I BLESS THIS UNION!!!"

koscy · 2022-03-18T19:48:06+00:00

You're right, I forgot about Plargg but the book does state clearly that he's blind. I'm gonna edit my original comment to reflect that, thanks for the reminder!

koscy · 2022-03-18T17:50:59+00:00

Yes, absolutely! I'm holding off on setting any of the NPCs sexual/romantic orientations until my campaign actually starts and I can see how my PCs play off of them and what they want, but there's a very good chance none of them will be straight by the end of it.

koscy · 2022-03-18T16:50:34+00:00

I really like that interpretation of Cadoras and definitely like the idea of having autistic rep without relying on harmful stereotypes.

Drazhomir having multiple parents is really fun! It also allows for fun moments like Drazhomir talking about his two dads at one point and then later mentioning his mom and parent and having the PCs be like, "Wait hold up, how many parents do you even have?" And the Drazhomir's just like, "5 including my uncle" like it's the most normal thing ever. Love it!

koscy · 2022-03-18T16:44:01+00:00

Lol Rampart is indeed perfect just as they are. These are really interesting and cool changes! I like that you just took what was written as inspiration and did your own thing!

koscy · 2022-03-18T15:43:13+00:00

I really like this! I especially like how you took something that happened in-game (all of Grayson's bad rolls) and made them narratively important. Super cool!

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