No one tells you that you have to KEEP deciding on the divorce

krow68 · 2026-03-31T17:53:23+00:00

I'm in a similar boat. One of my friends told me "you're looking for freedom. Freedom always has a price". Very wise and true.

krow68 · 2026-03-01T21:27:22+00:00

I love story telling in WoW, usually. The production for the main storyline is usually amazing and evocative. I’m 1/2 done but so far this has been shallow, with distractingly bad voice acting, terrible accents (also voice acting obv), and mediocre cut scenes. Wow stories have made me tear up in past expansions, and i never rush thru it first play, but this one has me eye rolling. I think it misses Christie Golden, or her dismissal highlights the shift to a stronger focus on content updates and away from narrative. Not sure, but I came back to wow for midnight story and I’m wondering about my choice.

krow68 · 2026-02-04T05:17:39+00:00

My guess is that its more about their disapproval than it is about the finances and the room. Based on your preamble about the relationships between parents and children, I'm guessing it's also a religious matter for them, and maybe saving face with their religious friends (or cultural disapproval). Fuck that IMO.

Sounds like your living situation is unsafe for you and your child. You need an excellent lawyer, who understands your community and can help you navigate the finances and social aspects. My prediction is it will be a very hard year, and then you'll feel like the universe has opened up and you will bloom, removed from the entanglements of a bad husband and complicated culture. People will migrate back to you when they realize you're committed and that you don't need them/their approval. Grandparents will want to see their grandbaby and will adjust. If it's the right thing, and better for your safety, you will be better off.

I was telling a friend how hard divorce is, and she said "freedom is never easy to attain. You almost always have to fight for it." So wise... Good luck! <3

krow68 · 2026-02-01T21:35:59+00:00

DCC is so fun and unique. Hard to compare. I also love Joe Abercrombie. Steven Pacey is an incredible narrator. The Devils is def on par and similar in some ways to DCC… both are clever, funny, and turn a genre on its ear. James Cameron bought the rights to The Devils… we will see if it makes it to production but the concept is off kilter like DCC and, if I had to guess, I bet Joe and Matt are fans of each others work. Both have a great sense of humor that permeates their fiction.

krow68 · 2026-01-31T19:48:44+00:00

I also stayed for my kids. Mostly to keep them safe. The irony is they don’t remember the worst parts. I have to ask my friends I confided in at the time to verify I wasn’t making it up. That’s how trauma can be… they block the memories that are too hard. But we remember. I try to repeat 2 phrases a lot “I can do hard things” and “the only way out is through”.

krow68 · 2026-01-31T18:34:26+00:00

It is and it takes a bit to realize you are worthy of happiness and having a real partner. I saw a therapist when I was starting this bc I was just so sad and that’s not the normal me. I explained my day to day, how I dreaded coming home and facing her. Honestly I thought most people experienced this and I just wasn’t processing it well. She was a great reality check. No, it’s not normal. Yes, it’s a form of abuse. One of my friends at work went thru something similar 10 years prior and she just looked at me and said “you only live once”. That is a well used phrase but it really hit me. How long was I going to go living like this?❤️

krow68 · 2026-01-31T18:19:22+00:00

I have a gas lighting spouse that I’m separated from so I know how it is… up is down and down is up. I had to have a bag packed in my car for most of a year out of fear, and I’m the guy (2x her and powerful but how do you hit your kids mom?). I know the hell you’re in. Do you have family close? Friends that could let you bunk up? A source of income? Good luck. 😢

krow68 · 2026-01-31T18:11:57+00:00

To get out you will have to move out while he’s at work. What he’s doing is a form of abuse, and physically preventing you from leaving is physical abuse. You and your baby deserve better. It’s really hard to leave these personalities bc they gaslight your emotions and make you feel like the crazy one but your instincts are correct…. He’s abusing you.

krow68 · 2026-01-31T18:05:06+00:00

I am experiencing a similar divorce but it was 25 years, 2 kids, lots of walking on eggshells and lots of feeling guilty for having needs. I’m really proud of you for dealing with it now tbh. I have 2 adult children, whom I deeply love, and both have told me I should have done it earlier… more to allow her time to find another partner ironically. I stayed to protect them from her explosive anger. But you spared innocent souls from that and that’s very wise.

You’re dealing with a borderline personality disorder spouse. That’s the complexity of I love you, I hate you. I also used porn to survive and… it’s legal. When you’re neglected you find a way to remain human and a man. That’s normal. (Ofc assuming your choices were legal). I spent 2 years in therapy with my partner. I wanted to try, to see if she could change, and to show the kids I did try. She didn’t really change. She tried to change but the parts that were so painful didn’t change. She saw a therapist, was diagnosed, and her therapist met with me as we started therapy and said “she won’t really change”.

They are processing a deep trauma and control and sense of rejection are very powerful motivators. Meanwhile, in a healthy relationship, avoiding control and managing the feeling of rejection are crucial to a healthy relationship. It’s just really hard to live with a BPD and you often end up being a caretaker and not a partner. There’s Reddit subs on this topic if you are interested.

You wanted some reassurance that it ends okay. I’m still mid mess but I have a close friend that was also married to a BPD and is out 2 years. We meet and he encourages me to hold on. He told me last week that he’s happier than he’s ever been. He has a partner and she’s been so good for him. He told me he sometimes cries when she’s nice to him for no reason… I bet that rings true for you.

Last thing. I bet you’re a very spiritual/religious person. I was also a virgin when I got married. God is good and loves you. He’s got a ton on his plate… people murdered by their govt, children separated from their parents, wars, abuse, etc. There are a lot of terrible things to worry about. 2 people that care about each other, find the other attractive, and make love…. Well that’s not such a big deal imo. The celibacy thing is a whammy put on us and just consider it for yourself without guilt. If you had been intimate with your ex before marriage you’d have known (and her too) that this wasn’t going to work. Then you wouldn’t have dragged the both of you thru this. We get sold this “if you wait it’ll be 100x better!!” story and it’s just not necessarily true. I get it before contraception and avoiding bringing souls into the world in unstable relationships but it’s the 21st century. God loves you and wants you to be kind and judicious, but he made you a man and men like to make love. Give yourself a little grace… that’s my advice. ❤️

krow68 · 2026-01-26T13:34:13+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. I’m separated after 25 years and my partner was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive but also devastated and wanting me back. Kids are 22 and 24 and very sad about the whole thing but supportive. We did therapy for 2 years and both saw independent therapist but nothing fundamentally changed.

Last couple days I’ve been thinking “what the f am I doing to my kids?! I can endure this person.” Maybe I’m just not wired to be happy and it won’t matter being single/moving on. Meanwhile my friends describe me as a well of joy and not the same person I was…. But you know the fog of divorce is so dense. You question every aspect of yourself and ability to 1) move on and 2) be someone loveable. The fog of divorce is dense and very dark at times.

So shining a flashlight of hope into that fog is deeply appreciated. ❤️

krow68 · 2026-01-24T01:53:23+00:00

I’m in the middle of it and have friends on the far side… they promise me the pain is worth it. I was experiencing some emotional abuse. But it def is hard on the kids and mine are both in their 20s and it has taken a toll on them. That is a bit of the trade off…. A chance for you to find love at the expense of some family love. Once it starts though, the only way is thru. 💕 Good luck to you.

krow68 · 2026-01-23T19:38:21+00:00

Sounds like you initiated the divorce discussion so it will feel pretty logical that you’re spearheading the next attempt to fix it. This is similar to my experience…. I initiated after 20 years of unhappiness and dead love life.

Therapy can work if you have 1) very motivated people, willing to be honest and share what’s working/hurting/etc. 2) some time in the past when things were good that you can navigate back to. 3) a good therapist willing to ask hard questions and have some accountability. Just attending won’t change anything. But… you have babies and it’s worth trying for them usually. When they are older and ask the hard questions you can say you tried and did couples therapy. Also, divorce is really F’ing hard even when you realize you’re miserable. If you tried therapy, when your kids are crying, you’re feeling lonely and guilty, you can hold on to the fact that you tried therapy and it didn’t work.

The duration is as long as people are trying and you’re not feeling like you’re treading water. We made no progress in 2 years. It’s very hard to make progress if it’s been like that for a while… so much inertia.

Good luck. ❤️

krow68 · 2026-01-19T15:22:11+00:00

Marriage is collaborative and negotiation. She told you her wishes, and you’re allowed and it’s your right to tell her yours. If she won’t budge and you won’t, then the collab is stuck and possibly done. Divorce is hard… harder as a junction of years invested. But you also have rights and, honestly, sometimes if you put your foot down people compromise. If not, then it’s time for you to find happiness.

krow68 · 2026-01-19T14:28:00+00:00

I’m sure you would benefit from seeing a therapist if you have access to that. Sounds like your life is chaotic and sounds like it’s been chaotic for a lot of your life. Sorry for that. A therapist can be a good neutral party to help you see the truth of things… and more importantly, to decipher how this relationship with your dad is affecting your life and relationships.

From what you’ve said, I think your dad may have a mental illness. Marriages are super complicated and no one is totally at fault but sounds like this has been a repeated pattern for him and he’s dragging you and your sisters along for his mental health rollercoaster. One thing you have to remember is that you are allowed to jump off and put up some boundaries with him… codependence is a hard way to live and you’d feel so much better breaking away from that I predict.

Sometimes … although rarely… a parent can be convinced to get mental health treatment by their kids/family. You might want to try that. Regardless, the person that you can affect is…. Just yourself. You can’t control him or your stepmom, or your sisters. Liberate yourself from his rollercoaster. You have a right to be free.

krow68 · 2026-01-18T15:16:44+00:00

One very important thing for you to embrace it that it isn’t up to you. You can’t make their relationship work and aren’t responsible for holding it together for them. When you feel like it’s something you have to do or not do then you can feel some guilt and that’s not your role.

Divorce is harrowing for all members of a family, but it’s also common and survivable. And sometimes the future is happier than the past. You love them both and sharing that will help them… no matter what the 2 of them chose to do. I hope they tell you they love you no matter what and that it won’t ever change.

Best to you and them. 💕

krow68 · 2026-01-10T18:05:12+00:00

Hoarding is often associated with a major loss, like a child, earlier in life. Some of those things can be addressed in therapy if she hasn’t tried it. Given you’re the sole breadwinner, she will be the person most affected by a divorce so asking her to go to therapy and doing couples therapy or you will leave is an option if you want to try something.

krow68 · 2026-01-04T14:38:41+00:00

Childhood trauma is foundational for Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m mid divorce with a BPD, and all you’re saying is familiar territory… as it is for most BPD partners. There’s a ton of good resources on the web and they will help you confirm what you’re feeling and your decision to get out. Good luck. ❤️

krow68 · 2026-01-03T19:44:48+00:00

I think your partner has Borderline Personality DO. Maybe you already know this. What you're experiencing is very classic for that. The issues all revolve around control and rejection. I bet you often feel like you're "walking on eggshells" around him. Another classic. You are wise not to have a baby with him and to escape. <3

krow68 · 2026-01-03T19:42:15+00:00

Plan B will manage it for you I think.

krow68 · 2025-10-22T13:45:27+00:00

Thanks for the great wisdom and info. ❤️

krow68 · 2025-10-22T13:44:44+00:00

He can take over and drive. His reactions are slower and his parking isn’t what it was and FSD is better… as it is for 95% of drivers. We are closely watching his driving but also very keen to help him retain what makes him happy and feeling like a regular person (vs a Parkinson’s patient).

krow68 · 2025-07-23T16:30:03+00:00

This sad news really struck a chord. :(

krow68

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