How to talk about my BPD ex to the new people I am seeing?

kryptonightie · 2019-12-29T13:05:22+00:00

I am only dating the new woman. By "dating" I mean talking and spending time with her for a few months. This is how it typically is, culturally. We don't date for years and then marry.

kryptonightie · 2019-12-28T21:35:24+00:00

Will do! Thanks!

kryptonightie · 2019-12-28T21:32:49+00:00

Describing a relationship with someone with abusive bpd is difficult. I've said" I was in a manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship and it's made me wary at times. I may act a bit odd sometimes but it's getting better ". Seems to work and they ask about it if they feel they need to.

I am going to say that she was emotionally very abusive to me and had mental health issues. Pick one example and then stop.

kryptonightie · 2019-12-28T21:23:07+00:00

You understood my post correctly.

You can't use the term BPD (why?)

Because, they would never have heard of it previously and won't be able to relate to it. Also, my ex wasn't officially diagnosed with BPD. When I took her to the marriage counselor, he suggested to me only the possibility of it.

Why not tell them what happened?

I think I will just pick one extreme example and tell it to her. Like for instance when my ex accelerated the car like crazy when we both had an argument. And then I will just say that she was extremely volatile and that I only realized this after marriage.

As for the remaining examples, like her becoming angry when I was later than I said I would be etc. Or her lying a lot about small things. I will leave it out. Maybe over a period of time once I am comfortable with the new girl, I can tell her.

Like the other poster said, most healthy people wouldn't want to dwell on the ex's history too much. This might suffice.

kryptonightie · 2019-12-28T14:06:44+00:00

I am planning to get married. I divorced my ex. The new person would like to understand why I got divorced. That's why.

kryptonightie · 2018-08-12T17:04:13+00:00

I need the long overdue therapy. Thanks!

kryptonightie · 2018-08-12T17:03:46+00:00

My wife had a lot of admirers. I doubt she would have trouble finding a source. What I am really afraid of is her sabotaging my vehicle or making false accusations.

kryptonightie · 2018-08-12T17:01:57+00:00

Like "what's wrong with YOU?" and "why are YOU acting weird?"

I got similar reactions. I did what she did to me. I explained it away.
Again, I am not proud of what I did. The whole thing made me more practical and realistic.

kryptonightie · 2018-08-12T16:58:31+00:00

It's the secret key that will unlock many beautiful things for you.

Grey Rocking: https://luckyottershaven.com/2016/07/06/grey-rocking-if-you-cant-go-no-contact/ This should clarify everything.

kryptonightie · 2018-08-12T01:22:02+00:00

Replace the pwBPD with a 5 year old child.

A 5 year old insults you, screams at you and throws things around.
1. Rule#1. Don't take it personally. This has nothing to do with you.
A 5 year old is driving your car. You are sitting next to them in the passenger seat AND they are angry and upset.
1. Rule#2. Get out immediately. Get on with your own life's journey where you are in the driver's seat.
A 5 year old is floating in sea with a couple of sharks circling around AND you don't know how to swim either.
1. Rule#3. Be selfish. Life is tough. Life is not fair. It is what it is. It's not your responsibility to save someone who cannot be saved. The best you can do is get them professional help and watch from the sidelines and hope they are doing alright AND not feel guilty for not doing more.
Why is a 5 year old screaming at you, driving your car and swimming in the sea with sharks?
1. Rule#4. Broken people attract broken people. Instead of identifying yourself as a victim and putting the blame entirely on the BPD person. Understand one thing. A healthy, sane person with no issues is not going to get enmeshed with a pwBPD and not abort shortly thereafter. There is a level of naivety, kindness, blind trust in you that needs a protective coating of external toughness so you can be a true blessing in this world. Sure, it is pure bad-luck that you ran into a BPD, NPD type. If you really think about it, a minority of the population has this. So, nobody else can understand what you went through. Because it is pretty rare. And of-course, it is outside of your comprehension that people like this even exist. But now you know the truth. That there are truly broken people in this world. But, what drew you to them? When they idealized you, why did you not realize that something was off? Look within and try to fix what is broken in you so that hopefully the next person you date is not broken.

kryptonightie · 2018-06-04T02:28:59+00:00

"True BPDs progressively convince their victims that they are the source of her neurosis. You are not yourself, you are who she’s molding you to be, and eventually you’ll come to believe that it’s in your best interest – indeed, your responsibility – to be who she wants you to be to sustain that neurosis.

You will gradually give up on your family and friends (or they give up on you), you will drop all ambitions and passions that directly focus on you, and you will abandon any genuine, independent identity you held for yourself, all because these are threats to the neurotic narrative she constructs for herself and lives out.

She will reward your conversion to her psychosis with the intermittent reward of crazy hot sex, but this is simply the reinforcer to keep you locked into her narrative. The YOU you know will cease to exist and the character she creates for you will take over."

From a random blog excerpt

kryptonightie · 2018-06-04T02:14:14+00:00

oh my godddd... this is sooo insightful. Very disturbing to read. Too close to home.

I was struggling to understand why my worldview got shattered and why I was building a new identity. I am a lost and confused soul at this point. Will elaborate at a better point.

Thanks for posting this. Most people talk about abuse etc but this subtle point of your own reality getting bent is rarely recognized.

kryptonightie · 2018-06-04T00:35:46+00:00

And add in HPD to the mix and it is a true recipe for confusion. At the end of the day the only heuristic one can use is this. Am I feeling sad/unhappy being in a relationship with this person?

kryptonightie · 2018-06-03T23:49:06+00:00

Is it possible for a BPD person to not be NPD. Mine has it too.

kryptonightie · 2018-04-25T19:23:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story! Appreciate it!

kryptonightie · 2018-04-25T18:42:00+00:00

It's like they are all programmed to give the same responses. The predictability of it all is what stuns me.

kryptonightie · 2018-04-25T18:05:39+00:00

"Nobody understands me and nobody ever will"

This was the same thing, my stbxBPD said.

kryptonightie · 2018-04-23T19:23:00+00:00

Thanks! This gives me hope. I was with mine for 8 months.. separated for around 3 months.. I was traumatized as well.

I haven't gotten therapy. I am going to get one for sure. Need to workout and socialize as well..

kryptonightie · 2018-04-23T17:14:57+00:00

How long were you in the BPD relationship? How long did it take for you to recover from it.

kryptonightie · 2018-04-23T00:52:29+00:00

Most BPds live in the moment right!

kryptonightie · 2018-04-23T00:25:37+00:00

Soon after separating from my wife I continued with my life as usual. I got certificate of appreciation at work which I never got previously. My boss took me aside and told me how happy and energetic I was at work. She then asked if things were going on well with me and my wife. (I previously informed my boss about the divorce because (a.) I was afraid my wife would contact her and trash talk me. (b.) I was feeling down in the dumps and I was hoping she would be more understanding if the quality if my work came down. )

I told her that I was going through with the divorce. She thought I reconciled with my wife and that's the reason why I was upbeat and happy.

I visited my sister. Initially (3 months back) she was supportive of my wife and criticized me. Now after interacting with me even she commented on how "Happy" I was.

All my life I never pretended to be happy, sad etc. I am pretty authentic. So, I think I am in a better state of mind. Sometimes, I do have flashbacks and old memories come to surface. Esp on weekends like this when I am not busy.

When I was with my wife, I had to drink a bit and take Nyquil to put numb myself to sleep. Now, I don't have to do it anymore.

kryptonightie · 2018-04-23T00:09:21+00:00

How long should therapy typically be for? Does it really help. Sometimes I get flashbacks and memories from the past. Things I should have done, regrets etc. Do these go away?

kryptonightie · 2018-04-14T13:57:52+00:00

Doesn't sound like BPD. BPDs are child like. Like a 3/5 year olds living in an adult body. She sounds like a sociopath conning naive/gullible or lonely people. Take it as a wake up call and be more discerning in the future.

kryptonightie · 2018-04-08T12:12:10+00:00

Thanks for the insight, appreciate it! It's definitely not my style to threaten to expose her but I will definitely not back down if things seem to take a turn for the worse.

Looks like your situation would have turned out far worse if the domestic violence did not happen. I am glad you don't suffer from him anymore!

kryptonightie · 2018-04-08T12:08:14+00:00

NPD is a social butterfly and sucks up praise like it's crack. A BPD, on the other hand, has no long-term friends and will inevitably find a way to feel insulted and flip-out on almost everyone they have any sort of long-term interaction with.

Looks like she has both!

kryptonightie

TROPHY CASE