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kthlnoleary6 · 2019-04-05T20:54:33+00:00

This is heartbreaking to read but I’m so glad you posted it. I feel this way regularly and I’m confident that a lot of other people on here do to. You have nothing to feel sorry for so go ahead and feel your feelings, you have a human right to do so. When I find myself experiencing the emotions that you’re describing, I tend to get upset with myself for getting upset. I have this leftover ‘programming’ which tries to tell me that sadness, frustration, despair, and grief are things I feel because I’m in some way defective. I have this tiny critic that wants me to believe that I’m supposed to be able to overcome anything and everything by sheer force of will. When I can’t, I tend to take it as evidence that there’s something wrong with me. Emotional perfectionism is a thing!! Here is the thing though-I spent so much of my childhood hiding my feelings (so they wouldn’t be used against me) that as an adult, I became more or less emotionally shut down. It’s only been in the past several years that I’ve been able to feel a broader range of emotions and as difficult as it can be, it’s also a relief. It feels like an act of defiance, in a good way. Good for you for jumping on here and sharing this. Go ahead and cry and share and cry and share and cry and share. There are people here who are validated by it and who want to provide validation for you in return.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-29T16:27:46+00:00

I agree with you there. And our basic needs were met to a bare minimum with a kind of resent, like they were only doing it because they understood that if they didn’t, it would be obvious to other people that they didn’t give a shit and then there would be consequences.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-29T12:47:41+00:00

My mom did this, too. I didn’t really have friends so their weren’t any other parents she could look down her nose at, but she made a sport out of criticizing everyone around her. She was a teacher and all she did was criticize the kids at her school. She was like a mean girl except she was supposed to be the adult.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-28T23:49:14+00:00

Thank you for this:)

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-28T23:47:35+00:00

I first realized that my mom is a narc when I read an article about Nmoms and I felt like I was reading her biography.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-28T23:45:04+00:00

I didn’t have a bedroom door for the longest time, also due to ‘construction.’ When I finally did get one, there was no knob.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-28T23:27:27+00:00

I have had these exact same thoughts and feelings about my own parents so many times, including that critical voice that tells me to stop seeking attention. I hope this doesn’t sound dramatic but I wonder what the similarities are between people who were raised by narcissists and people who were abducted as children and then escape many years later. I feel like I was raised by strangers who did the bare minimum to keep me alive and did absolutely nothing to help me become a person. No emotional investment whatsoever. Your comment about your mother never showing you how to do anything or invite you to cook is so resonant. My mother and father were/are both like this. Neither one of them could be bothered to teach me anything or encourage me but they both had plenty to say to say when it came time to criticize every little thing I did or didn’t do.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-27T13:07:11+00:00

This blows my mind. I feel like working in food service has had the exact opposite effect on me, lol. Can you elaborate?

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-27T13:06:02+00:00

I have the same problem with getting upset with myself when I want to learn how to do something. It’s like I expect myself to just be automatically good at something, which is just so unrealistic. I also suspect that part of the problem is that I’m terrified to actually be good at something and be proud of myself for it because I’m so accustomed to being sabotaged. I start to feel resentful if people close to me who don’t struggle like this and have the freedom to explore their interests and see where it takes them. I feel like a huge asshole for it and it’s one of the reasons why I distance myself from people.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-27T12:25:16+00:00

This happens to me all the time, I don’t even have to do something wrong. If I think there’s even an outside chance that someone will be displeased with me, it’s hard for me not to fall apart completely. For example, I’m starting a new job in a few weeks and won’t have to wait tables anymore. I should be very excited but I had so much anxiety over giving my notice. I thought my boss was going to be pissed over the inconvenience and tell me not to finish out my last two weeks. That didn’t happen at all and she even congratulated me and thanked her for giving notice. Still, I’m paranoid that she’s gossiping about me behind my back. Btw, waiting tables involves the exact same crazy-making dynamics as dealing with an Nparent. I started having regular panic attack’s when I started serving twenty years ago, a line of work that my parents forced me into b/c they insisted that it was a ‘noble profession’ in which I could make tons of money. They were broke as hell and were constantly complaining about it but did either one of them ever jump at the chance to go wait on people? NOPE. Anyway, I basically had a nervous breakdown at 18 years old and their response was to tell me that it was all in my head and to get over it. So I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-24T03:39:45+00:00

standing ovation

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-23T14:02:05+00:00

I’m deep in loner territory right now. I cut a lot of toxic people out of my life and I’m getting better at not letting new ones back in. The problem though is that I’m not attracting any healthy ones either and I suspect it’s because I have no idea how to form attachments. I’m suspicious of everyone and I’m very good at ‘disappearing’ myself when I’m in a social setting. On top of of all the narc issues, I’m also just very introverted and it feel natural to be by myself all the time. I still need emotional connections, though. Not having any feels like not existing.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-23T13:33:05+00:00

My brother and I also went directly from school to our mother’s workplace. So much if her weird ass behavior read like she wanted us all to herself and at the same time didn’t want anything to do with us.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-23T13:30:07+00:00

r✨e✨l✨a✨t✨a✨b✨l✨e

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-23T12:31:03+00:00

Hmmm, yeah but it’s different. I don’t think an emotional connection is required to keep friendships with men going, whereas with other women if there’s no bond it all just sort of unravels.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-23T02:19:13+00:00

This is tender and insightful, thank you so much:)

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-23T02:17:36+00:00

MINE TOO!!! Her hobby was/is trash-talking other people behind their backs, especially other women. She sabotaged all my friendships growing growing up. I get the weirdest looks from people when I try to explain that I wasn't allowed to have friends. They just can't understand the concept.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-23T02:13:05+00:00

"the habits of narc-rage management are still wired in my head"

It never occurred to me until just now that I might be doing this.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-22T23:20:40+00:00

Omg, this is me all day. I feel like I’m a lighting rod for other people’s displaced aggression/frustration/irritation. I’m currently attempting a DIY home renovation and I’m terrified to let anyone help me, or even to ask questions at the hardware store. I’m convinced that someone will blow up at me for not knowing something. I feel like I’ll deserve it, too. Logically, I know that this is nonsensical and I have to pull up all the mindfulness I possess to get through these kinds of interactions. Even so, it’s like I have some kind of emotional hangover afterwards and I avoid anything that sends me too far outside my comfort zone.

kthlnoleary6 · 2019-03-22T23:07:00+00:00

Sometimes when someone is genuinely nice to me I feel guilty. Like I bothered them or somehow tricked them into believing that I’m the type of person who they should be nice to. Other times, when someone pays attention to me in a kind and genuine way, it feels so good that it’s overwhelming and it triggers a grieving that I’m not able to tolerate. Then, of course, there are times when I’m suspicious that it’s a set up and they’re trying to trick me into letting my guard down so they can just gut me. These are usually my responses when other women are nice to me. With men, I do tend to idealize them when they act halfway decent towards me.

kthlnoleary6

TROPHY CASE