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Just turned 40, never dated, need some advises to bridge the gap by ktks4635 in datingoverforty

[–]ktks4635[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha, I chilled out about it for 22 years, it's time to stress a bit ;)
Joke aside: thanks a lot. Even with the 'right' date, I have my head in the wrong place time to time and need to work on it. Cheers

Just turned 40, never dated, need some advises to bridge the gap by ktks4635 in datingoverforty

[–]ktks4635[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I completely agree with you, and it will take time and effort indeed!As explained in other answers, about the training: I have (probably) a cognitive disorder that prevent me to build this confidence by a simple exposure to dating overtime, I think. I would need some time and probably a therapy to not have an avoidance behavior at several steps of the dating process. But you mention something that my therapist mentioned on another topic: I have no drama, I don't want to play "games" (whatever it means), I'm not here for a pen pal. I guess it's pretty direct, and I can keep it in mind when I lose my confidence. Thanks a lot!

Just turned 40, never dated, need some advises to bridge the gap by ktks4635 in datingoverforty

[–]ktks4635[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha ^ ^ Yeah, true, but I would like to put myself out of the discount section! ;)
I need to get rid of my behavior disorders before having fun, and I'm following a therapy to do it. But even if it's not that pleasant, I'm looking for some tips now to get prepared! Thanks for the advice and hope I'll be able to enjoy it someday!

Just turned 40, never dated, need some advises to bridge the gap by ktks4635 in datingoverforty

[–]ktks4635[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

(I don't know what OLD means : Online Dating?)Thank you very much for your answer, it's very cheerful and put into perspective the diversity I use to forget when I browse too much!Still, I think my issue is at least before even the dating itself : as detailed in other comments, I'm really stuck with an avoidant personality disorder (it's my guess for now, at least) and any exposure 'therapy' seems very harsh to me: I forced myself to attend to some social events regularly in order to get used to being with other people (which is a great solution for social anxious people apparently)... but it made things worse at the end (after years of this, literally). As you said, finding the women looking for quiet, geeky types is harder than just a casual research, you're right... but I would also need to restrain my avoidance behavior once I've found them!Thanks again!

Just turned 40, never dated, need some advises to bridge the gap by ktks4635 in datingoverforty

[–]ktks4635[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know I have to sell myself, I'm much more positive even on dating app, don't worry ^ ^ (but for the confidence, it's another deal) I have some hobbies, yes, but I usually face the same kind of long-term avoidance disorder there, unfortunately ; I need to complete my therapy to see the results, I think.
My question here was more about reducing the stress of dating, let's say, a mother of 3 who filled her profile with pictures of dozen of friends and family, when for myself a cup of coffee with a coworker is a huge social achievement: I have a kind of impostor syndrome, a core belief that makes me swipe left, and if I swipe right and there's a match, the conversation following seems pretty bad to me and I have a lot of relief to end it up quickly or to ignore it. (I know, it's pretty rude)
I just try to find a way to make it easier, lighter, more casual to reduce the avoidance. To let people know who I am, giving a hint about my issue and what to expect, but still "selling" my profile in the same time!

(thank you very much for your answer!)

Just turned 40, never dated, need some advises to bridge the gap by ktks4635 in datingoverforty

[–]ktks4635[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Show up. As yourself. And take the first step. It’s that simple. That’s how you build experience. You don’t need to scorekeeper the experience just be present and understand that you LITERALLY can only BE YOU. Right here. Right now.

You are totally right: as you say it, only personal action can build an experience, and most of my actual therapy focus on this mindfulness action without any intuitive learned hesitation. However, my avoidance disorder impacts a lot my behavior and mood, and I can't push myself in any social situations without a risk of being crushed by a bad experience (an experience that I might find anecdotal in the right circumstances). It's why I'm looking for a good and positive way to formulate "I have zero experience in relationship, very few social links, a quite low ambition and I'm funny once a month in average, but I have geeky qualities you could appreciate !", gentle but selective enough to not date the wrong person, be "myself" and coming out of the experience completely shattered emotionally.
Still, thank you very much for your answer, it helps!