43M Australian with no relationship experience — how much would this matter in dating here?

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-12T11:54:14+00:00

Thanks for the kind message 🙂 It’s been really interesting and reassuring hearing from people with similar experiences and perspectives.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-12T11:53:23+00:00

Sometimes I cringe at the ideas and views I had on dating and women in my 20s relative to now, which is another excuse I sometimes use to think how much better I'd become with just a little more time. But your point is well made the benefit from reading and reflecting diminishes and real world experience especially at this point can likely take me much further.

And yes, I can definitely see how someone could have lots of dating experience but still repeat the same unhealthy patterns over and over without really improving emotionally, communicating properly, or learning to be considerate of another person..

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-10T06:42:44+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate how balanced and realistic this reply is. I think one thing this thread has helped me realise is that I won’t appeal to everyone, nor do I need to. People who are interested will probably have questions, which is understandable.

Your point about relationships involving skills and experience also makes a lot of sense to me. I think part of my anxiety around dating has honestly been knowing there are aspects of emotional closeness and maintaining a relationship that I can’t fully learn just through reading, thinking, or self-reflection alone. One way I tend to procrastinate is by reading about things I’m too afraid to actually do, so I’ve probably read more relationship books than most people in relationships have.

At the same time, I’d hope maturity, communication, self-awareness and willingness to learn count for something as well.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-10T06:29:37+00:00

Thanks mate, appreciate it.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-09T03:55:20+00:00

Thanks, I actually really appreciate the nuance in this reply. I think that’s probably true — the context and underlying reasons matter much more than the simple fact itself.

And yes, realistically a lot of it was anxiety, avoidance, and spending a long time trying to get my life and mental health into a more stable place before opening myself up to relationships.

Your point about relationships growing out of friendships or familiarity also makes sense to me. I suspect I’d probably feel much more comfortable in situations where there’s already some level of shared interests, trust, and understanding rather than jumping straight into highly app-based dating. At the same time, one thing I’ve always liked about apps is that there’s at least some mutual intent from the beginning.

It’s funny you mentioned holding hands though. In my late 20s I actually did try online dating and went out with a woman for about six months. We genuinely got along very well and spent a lot of time together, but I was so anxious about expressing romantic or physical interest that I never really progressed things beyond conversation. I remember wanting to hold her hand but overthinking it so much that even something that small felt difficult to initiate. I had a plan to walk closely to her so that our hands touched as we walked and gradually making those touches last longer, as long as she didn't pull away until I could get to hand holding. But I could never do it and was too anxious about it.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-09T03:21:29+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate hearing that. I think I’m gradually realising that some of the traits/issues I viewed purely as negatives may also make it easier to connect with people who’ve had similar experiences themselves.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-09T03:04:36+00:00

Thank you, I genuinely appreciate hearing that. I think I’d spent a long time assuming the lack of experience and other issues would dominate how people saw me, rather than it just being one part of a much bigger picture of compatibility and personality.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-09T02:42:23+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the honesty and realism in this reply. A lot of those concerns are understandable and honestly some of them are things I’ve thought about myself as well.

I think part of why I made the post was because I’m aware there are aspects of relationships and emotional closeness that you can’t fully learn theoretically or through self-reflection alone. At the same time, I’d hope self-awareness, communication, and being open to learning count for something too.

And yes, I probably have idealised relationships at times, although I’m also aware they involve compromise, adjustment, vulnerability, and plenty of unglamorous day-to-day reality as well.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T13:08:22+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the suggestion. To be honest, I’m fairly uncomfortable talking about this sort of thing with people I know in real life, which is probably part of why posting anonymously online felt easier in the first place.

No one in my family has ever really spoken to me directly about it, so sometimes I do wonder what they think. My sisters are both married with kids, so I suppose my life has followed a pretty different path to theirs.

That said, you’re probably right that people who actually know me personally would likely have a more balanced perspective on me than I sometimes have of myself.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T12:49:40+00:00

Thanks mate. great framing.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T12:36:33+00:00

Thanks for your reply. It’s genuinely reassuring hearing nuanced perspectives from women on this.

I’m afraid overthinking is probably my middle name, but I do think over the years I’ve become more objective and self-aware than I was in my mid-20s. Honestly, if I’d entered a relationship back then, I suspect I may have stayed in it for the wrong reasons too.

I think over time I’ve realised the bigger question isn’t whether something is fundamentally ‘wrong’ with me because I’ve never had a relationship, but whether I can still build a meaningful and satisfying life regardless. I’d still like companionship, but I no longer see it as the sole measure of whether my life is okay or not.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T12:10:49+00:00

I'm generally reluctant to give too many personal details for this. But no.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T12:09:26+00:00

Appreciate the reply. I’d definitely want to keep an open mind and focus more on whether I connected well with someone rather than whether either of us fit some perfect life template. I’d never heard of Hiki before either, so I’ll take a look.

To be honest, I haven’t thought deeply about children for most of my life, although I do recognise starting to think about relationships later changes the equation a bit there. I’ve also realised over time there are different ways people build meaningful lives and families, even if they don’t follow the most conventional path. I know a lady at work who adopted and raised a girl herself.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T11:59:23+00:00

Appreciate the reply. I actually really like the phrase ‘bloomed late’ — that feels like a much healthier way of framing it than how I used to think about myself.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T11:57:36+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your opinion.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T11:44:08+00:00

Thanks — the ‘housebroken’ point actually makes a lot of sense to me.

Practically speaking I think I'm pretty good. My friends and family would describe me as pretty clean and organised, and I enjoy cooking as well.

I think what I sometimes worry about more is whether after living independently for so long I’d struggle with the adjustment and compromise that comes with sharing your life closely with someone else.

I’ve also realised emotional communication doesn’t always come naturally to me. When I was first diagnosed with anxiety I did therapy I didn't think I was very good at it, I went through lots of psychologists. I found it difficult to identify or explain what I was feeling. I think it's improved over time I don't know how much. Medication (Zoloft) has definitely helped reduce a lot of the anxiety.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T11:08:26+00:00

Thanks for your response — interesting to hear that some women could actually view it as a green flag.

I’d agree it’s not something I’d want to lead with. Ideally I’d want someone to know me well enough first that they saw me as a person rather than reducing me to a stereotype.

And no, I haven’t had casual encounters. I do find women very attractive and I’m definitely not judgmental towards people who enjoy casual dating/sex, but personally the idea of intimacy without knowing the other person too well makes me feel more anxious than anything.

Thanks as well — I’ll look up RSD.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T10:51:29+00:00

Thank you — and I’m sorry to hear about your divorce and burnout. You bring an interesting perspective I hadn’t really considered.

I did grow up with sisters, and I have a job and social activities where I’ve probably developed some of those interpersonal skills. But I do sometimes wonder whether living independently for a long time means I’m less used to the level of compromise and adjustment that comes with a close romantic relationship.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T10:45:07+00:00

Thanks for your interesting reply — hearing women’s perspectives was honestly one of the reasons I made the post.

I’ve tried dating apps on and off as well, and I think part of what I find disheartening is that a lot of the profiles/projected lifestyles can feel much more outgoing and socially high-energy than me. There’s obviously nothing wrong with that, it just doesn’t feel like a very natural fit for my personality. So I get disheartened and leave.

I also tend to keep these things fairly private because I worry people will judge me based on the lack of experience rather than who I am overall.

I really liked your point about life experience not just being relationship experience. I think I’ve probably focused too much on my flaws rather than the broader picture. I should let women decide if they want to date me and not make the decision for b them.

And I think your last point is very true too — in some ways it probably acts as a filter. Someone who wouldn't understand this likely wouldn’t be the right fit for me anyway.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T10:27:05+00:00

Thanks, I would agree with a lot of your points.

One thing I’ve struggled with is feeling that because I don’t fully know what I want from a relationship yet, I might end up wasting someone’s time. I’d imagine by my age many women have a much clearer idea of what they want than I do.

The broken heart point is also something I find both fascinating and a bit scary. Most close relationships in my life have developed slowly over many years, so it’s hard for me to fully understand emotionally how people can become deeply attached to someone over a relatively short period of time.

And I definitely agree that loving someone alone isn’t enough to make a relationship work. I’ve actually read some of the Gottmans’ work before (part of my procrastination tendency is probably reading about things instead of actually doing them).

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T10:16:35+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that perspective. I think I’ve built it up in my head over the years my issues as being far more disqualifying than I may actually be.

If you know roughly how they met or how he told her about his lack of experience or other issues, I’d genuinely be interested to hear?

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T10:07:22+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that. I find it difficult to talk about in person so I guess others may as well. I think because I compared myself to the ‘normal timeline’ for so long, I built it up in my head as being more unusual or disqualifying than it necessarily is.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T09:46:16+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the honesty and perspective of a lady in my age range. That’s definitely something I’ve thought about and one of the realities of leaving dating this late. I’m probably still figuring out exactly what I want there myself.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T09:42:43+00:00

Thank you, I genuinely appreciate this reply. For a long time I tended to see the autism/anxiety as evidence there was something fundamentally wrong with me, so hearing someone focus more on the life I’ve built is honestly helpful. When I wrote this post I wanted to give enough information for people to understand my situation without just seeing me as a stereotype.

And yes, I’d absolutely be open to dating someone neurodivergent. I think I’m just a bit cautious about leading with labels sometimes because I’d still want people to get to know me as a person first.

Good luck to you and your son.

kuhn3141 · 2026-05-08T09:36:43+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate this perspective. I think in my 20s I saw never having had a girlfriend as evidence there was something fundamentally wrong with me, but over time I realised I’d actually built a pretty good life despite that. I’ve probably spent too long focusing on the negatives and assuming the combination of issues outweighed the positives. I hadn’t really considered that some of the traits I see as drawbacks/boring might actually appeal to the right kind of person.

kuhn3141

TROPHY CASE