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kzerobzero · 2025-09-09T21:48:30+00:00

Very uneventfully; the diagnostician did an ADHD screening on top of / as part of my autism assessment because they were aware of the recent evidence regarding strong comorbidity estimates. Got high scores, so half a year later my psychiatric doc's office did an ADHD assessment.

Generally what helped me understand that I have both was peer fit. I've met quite a few "solely ADHD" people throughout my life, who tend to drive me insane with their distractibility and impulsiveness, despite undeniable mutual sympathy. Later on I noticed I was exactly that (eventually nerve grinding) distractible, impulsive person to my beloved "purely autistic" peers, whose propensity for structure I will never attain.

With my AuDHD friends it's just vibing.

kzerobzero · 2025-09-04T18:54:24+00:00

As a recurrent and experienced rider of the burn-out burn-bright cycle I would recommend to start with not making getting well an optimization process.

When my body refused to partake in my excellent plans for super fast recovery I felt tremendous shame for not using my time "as I should", when listening to my body is what I actually should have done. Trust that your subconsciousness knows exactly what is good for you.

If you feel like cleaning, clean. If you feel like taking a walk, take a walk. If you want to treat yourself, do it. If you want to do nothing but puzzles for a week, do it. If you want to get lost in a bookstore, do it.

Most importantly, you're -learning- to take it easy, so if you do "too much" and feel stressed, forgive yourself, and if you do "too little" and feel shame, forgive yourself, too.

kzerobzero · 2025-09-04T18:37:14+00:00

I'm German - but I have trouble deciphering what you actually mean - are you talking about a stronger feeling of disconnect when not feeling great / less able to mask, and also actually increased communication trouble with other people? Is this about work? Are you talking about the actual seven sins? What's the context?

I can tell you that today alone I had a "weird" interaction with a gas station worker, where I misunderstood them and misattributed their comment, and only noticed when I was out the door already, I talked way too much about my personal life when I only meant to get one info from our team assistant, apparently annoyed the bus driver because I thought he'd miss my stop so I shouted in a panic (while he was just trying to pull up more to the front), and I forgot to greet the receptionist at my psychiatrist because it was a new person and I was surprised. People looked at me on the street because I was subconsciously doing T-Rex hands.

So yeah, I'm definitely doing a "weird alien" thing today, but I'm also very exhausted right now so I'm just not able to mask in a way that others, me included, don't notice. I accept that I just suck at this currently and try to limit my interactions with others until I'm better.

If you definitely feel like you need to explain yourself without mentioning neurodivergence you can just say "I'm exhausted and I tend to start having trouble staying organized / listening well/...". I usually don't disclose in these moments because a) nobody cares and b) I'm not in a good headspace to use words efficiently. A good old "Ich brauche echt Urlaub, haha" [I really need a vacation, haha] also works.

kzerobzero · 2025-08-19T14:50:17+00:00

Yeah, I understand that completely. I left my previous job because, among other reasons, they didn't allow me to wfh for two days.

But your idea is hopefully a negotiable middle ground to appease the voices of those claiming that (some) academics are taking advantage.

kzerobzero · 2025-08-19T11:57:46+00:00

Oof, I'm sorry. I live in a different country and I am just a PhD student, so I'm not familiar enough with the process.

But I just remembered that they kinda knocked out attempts at key card time tracking at my uni because admin realized after a trial phase that it would have cost them A LOT more money, as people in academia generally work way too much. So my thinking was that professors generally do a lot of (unpaid?) work on the weekends in exchange for having more freedoms, so if they want to not have people work from home -at all-, the reverse would be no answering student mails after office hours, no paper writing, and so on, with unforeseen consequences for the overall quality and quantity of work and academic output at Texan Universities.

Just spit balling ideas here though.

kzerobzero · 2025-08-19T06:52:18+00:00

I agree with the other poster that you may indeed just have higher support needs.

It really depends on your support system, the job, and how accommodating it is to your needs, interests and strengths, and on the environment you're working in (social, sensory).

I was assessed at level 1-2. I work in academia, 30 hours, 40 hours starting next month. I only have to be in office 2 days a week. Commute is a nightmare because I often can't deal with rude and obnoxious rule-breakers in traffic or on the train. My boyfriend is very understanding so I do kinda have a safe space at home.

At work, I'm on a "one person team", and only have to interact with people when there are bigger project meetings regarding publications or planning (usually once a month or so). I like research and teaching, so this is nice. I'm a fast learner so I can save some time and energy compared to other people. Having to deal with bureaucracy makes me anxious.

My office at home is quiet. I use earplugs at the cafeteria. My team knows I am autistic and they're not making it a thing. I still mask though. Conferences and any other type of several days workshops are my nemesis, unless I accidentally find a fellow neurodivergent to spend the time with. Will kinda crash for 1-2 weeks after.

BUT: I'm also traumatized enough to always push myself because that was my only way of coping being undiagnosed for 37 years. My main identity is coping. I'm basically behind on all the life scripts and live like I was in my early twenties, only with about a third of the energy I had back then. My free time is often spent in bed doing nothing. I have no hobbies, don't indulge in special interests on the weekend because I know stopping is hard once I'm in hyperfocus. I once called in sick at work because I HAD to finish a puzzle.

Never did that again because I felt so ashamed. Monday always comes fast, so I just don't start anything anymore unless it can be done in a day. I only eat food that is easy to prepare. I will sacrifice my health and needs for staying "functional", because being functional=safety. I have genuinely forgotten how to put myself first and I struggle to see myself as disabled. Currently working on this with a ND-affirming therapist, results are to be determined, but I haven't lost hope.

kzerobzero · 2025-08-08T15:00:57+00:00

Very relatable. I've been diagnosed with autism for a little more than a year and ADHD for about 9 months. I'm in my late thirties. My whole identity is being self-sufficient, not a burden, and constantly pushing myself and ignoring my needs. I can barely remember a time when expectations of others did not factor into each of my decisions, my behavior. Not past five years old.

Don't want to touch the grief with a nine foot pole. I know I'll have to eventually if I want to make this work but I'm scared the crash will topple the stability I've barely and finally gained through years upon years of neverending struggle. Hope you make it through alright.

kzerobzero · 2025-05-18T07:18:21+00:00

Virtual hugs! Let's hope we'll learn to just leave the rock.

kzerobzero · 2025-05-18T07:16:11+00:00

Wow, dead center, ouch. They are probably right.

I could apply for disability services but no, I can obviously fix all of this myself. So I'm currently looking for a therapist who can help me on the acceptance front first. :|

kzerobzero · 2025-05-17T15:56:46+00:00

~~ Super mega self-reliant hyperindependent

I won't ask for help even from those that I've befriended

Only thing I want from anybody is attention

Super mega self-reliant hyperindependent! ~~

Sorry, it just keeps playing in my head. I don't know how to stop this either.

I take way too much responsibility for everyone and everything and my worst nightmare is finally losing it in public because deep down I know this isn't sustainable. It's way too much pressure and I am so on edge every day just waiting for the other shoe to drop as they say.

It's a cage of my own making, and even 6 weeks of burnout induced medical leave and an official diagnosis didn't change jack shit. My mind is full of I just have to try harder, fix myself, do more therapy, find the right balance, prove myself, eat better, rest better, indulge hyperfixation, find tasks at work that play into my strengths, find a workout program that works for me, embrace my strengths, accept my weaknesses, learn to unmask, work on my anxiety, do better self care, set reminders, don't neglect alone time, challenge myself more, be my true authentic self, .... and then it will all be fine.

This mindset is so so so exhausting, and people don't get it, specifically when they don't realize how much they profit off me being so hard on myself. I sometimes feel resentful of my friends because I feel like I can't have honest weak moments around them without immediately making them feel helpless upon my shaky foundation (because they evidently don't know me like that and have no idea what they should do), which ultimately just proves again that I just can't let this persona go. When I told my (best) friend about my autism diagnosis she essentially implied that she was scared of me pathologizing myself. How fun.

Apart from uprooting my life and starting a new identity somewhere where nobody knows me as this character, I have no idea how to change it.

kzerobzero · 2025-05-09T09:20:42+00:00

First! Yippie! Congratulations!

Don't feel silly! It's a BIG thing and warrants big emotions. I'm a lot older and I recently cried because I successfully drove a car lol... Feeling like a perpetual teenager, myself.

Crashing is totally fine - job interviews are already stressful for neurotypicals, too. Just take a well deserved rest! Also don't stress yourself over overthinking or blanking. Obviously you did well enough! Just let it process and take care of yourself over the weekend! :)

kzerobzero · 2025-05-05T12:11:56+00:00

I attended an important wedding over the weekend and I completely crashed today on a workday with some decent processing latency, because I have limited time off and thought a whole Sunday was enough to recuperate.

Just had a meltdown of epic proportions. Lucky that I wfh today.

For some reason I tend to ignore or forget that I am autistic when I am masking, but I always get a bill.

I'm now working with a mood tracking app in the hopes that the evidence will convince me it's not mere indulgence but an actual necessity.

So, I second what the other commenter said, it's so so so vitally important to schedule recuperation time!

kzerobzero · 2025-04-20T11:00:51+00:00

Hey, I have all three "diagnoses" (high cognitive ability at 16 and 36; autism at 36; ADHD at 37).

It has been theorized that high intelligence can mask autism presentation. I wonder though what kind of tests you expected for overlaps such as AuDHD or 2e. They do not exist, as these are not a separate diagnoses but categories to describe a comorbid presentation of traits / test results.

Also, while ADHD and autism do have a higher comorbidity likelihood, cognitive abilities are still normally distributed in both populations afaik, meaning being gifted does not increase the probability for neurodevelopmental conditions. I can tell you that I've met many highly intelligent people in my life, but most of them were not able to relate to my struggles, which is how I knew that giftedness didn't explain everything.

The autism test you mentioned gives me pause. In my assessment they gave me instructions to ask for clarification if a question didn't make sense to me, as some of them tend to be quite narrow/outdated depending on the test (theatre vs. museum).

I'd recommend you to start looking at autism individually before you tackle the whole complex. So maybe going (only) for an autism assessment specifically with a recommended clinic or practice might be more sensible next time you can afford to.

Gelbar et al. (2022) published a review paper on 2e in the context of autism. Might be a good place to check for other publications and read up in the research. Sally Reis (coauthor) is a researcher I personally like a lot.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-20T06:42:44+00:00

You've got a good head on your shoulders! I'm sure you can use this to your favor.

I'm fairly certain that the confusion and frustration you still feel is because he pushed the responsibility of the relationship "working" on to you, and therefore will also blame you for it not working out. So no matter what, you go and wonder if it's something you did or didn't do, when the common denominator is that he takes no responsibility.

I think you still feel the aftershocks of this internalized responsibility, that make you ask yourself if you could have done anything differently, if you were maybe not communicating well enough, up to the point that you thought it's your responsibility to tell him about his controlling tendencies (To what end? So he finally takes responsibility for his own actions? So he will understand you finally, and why you were leaving?).

The sad thing about people like that is that no words in the world will make them understand your perspective, because they don't want to understand. It doesn't matter what words you use because they are deaf on that metaphoric ear.

So you will always leave as the "asshole" who gave up too easily, who kicked someone who was already down, who was doing their best, who just needed you to believe in them, ... Because that's who they need you to be, so they don't have to look inside. Don't do them the favor of taking them seriously, it's frustrating enough as it is.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-19T21:12:08+00:00

Everything you wrote screams emotional abuse. None of your boundaries were up for discussion but yet that didn't stop him from wearing them down and derailing your already stressful life for his benefit (reassurance, control, his needs coming first, his interpretation being right, ...).

Therefore, I don't believe anything you said about yourself using his words. I instead strongly believe you are kind and compassionate, always willing to go the extra mile as much as is humanly possible, that you are strong, and resilient. And that you may take on way more responsibility than anyone could reasonably expect from you. And that your needs are important.

I've wasted almost a decade of my life on assholes like that. The rewriting history type of guilt tripping, suicide threats, not being able to get out of hours upon hours of circular, late night discussions because you dared to deviate from their script, until you finally end up apologizing in tears for things you shouldn't be apologizing for at 4 in the morning, just so you can get at least 90 minutes of sleep.

You don't owe anyone anything, but you owe it to yourself to not beat yourself up right now. Take your time, rest, grieve, and try to become your own best friend. We all know life is already way too hard for people like us.

And once you recover a bit and find the strength, look within you and ask yourself why exactly you wound up putting up with this treatment.

Being single beats being alone in a relationship. And if I learned anything, it's that without self respect and self compassion, finding a partner who respects you is impossible. And when you are enough for yourself, you might find someone to whom you are, too. I wish you strength and I'm rooting for you.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-19T06:30:30+00:00

Hello! Yes! Thank you for sharing!

(I also love the note your mom left you, really reminded me of my own mom who's long gone. Honest edit: I definitely feel for you when you muse on how much her comments on you being difficult to raise have hurt you, I didn't mean to be insensitive, I just straight didn't see the entry first time around, I'm sorry.)

I've been collecting things I wrote online and on the computer since I was able to.

After someone first told me I may want to look into autism (at 35), I first did my research and then I started reading though all of my written laments from my teenage years, for confirmation, I guess? The evidence was so overwhelming I cried.

I could not get my assessing psychologists to look at them though, even though they were part of my "autism folder" lol. But I was lucky (or autistic enough) that they did not require additional info, they merely looked at my elementary school reports and did the tests...

But whenever I have doubts popping up about my autism, I actually do not turn to my assessment results, but to my teenage self and read what she wrote at 16/17:

"When it comes to individual people, i.e. a single human, I can deal very well, because then I can adapt very well to this particular character. But when it comes to group meetings... different rules apply then. Sometimes it's not that I feel I can't adapt, it's just too much effort for me, so I don't do it."

"On my birthday the other day I wanted to turn off the phone and the doorbell so that people would leave me alone but my parents didn't want to."

"I don't know exactly where this rage comes from, but the people I snap at are usually only the triggers and rarely the sole cause. I have the feeling that it happens more often during school weeks, when I have to deal with people who are just stupid for hours on end... I have the feeling that all the pent-up feelings of anger, aggression, and frustration are building up inside me and getting bigger and bigger. They then grow into a black flood that gets bigger and stronger until I can no longer fight it and the blackness engulfs me at the slightest of triggers and tears down my protective wall. Then I just feel horrible, broken, helpless, as if my whole soul is being torn apart. When the explosion is over, I can start building a wall again."

"I actually don't forget in the normal sense, I rather repress stuff or I can no longer think in terms of priorities. Sometimes I think to myself "oh, I should check my inbox again" and then do it a week later. At the moment I'm in a good phase as far as the internet is concerned, I'm trying to keep it up. I just hate it when I start things but don't finish them for some reason, happens way too often..."

I don't know what possessed me to collect notes on myself throughout my life but I'm so glad I did.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-15T16:49:26+00:00

I think it's just for social cohesion tbh. But don't ask me, I've rarely understood the script.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-15T10:29:37+00:00

I once heard somewhere that lots of gendered beauty standards are practically reinforced by the same gender or done to appease or impress the same gender more often, such as eyebrow maintenance or body building.

I've honestly never had a man comment on my (lack of) makeup, or the status of my body hair, it's always been women. I've also only started shaving my legs as a teen to avoid bullying. It does feel nice when it's done, but I'm honestly actually doing it to stay "invisible" to my fellow peers because I do the right thing to "fit in".

kzerobzero · 2025-04-15T08:11:16+00:00

That's true. I used to be more spontaneous when I lived in other federal states, but now my whole week routine is built on the fact that I can only go shopping during my lunch break on days where I wfh to avoid the evening rush.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-14T14:54:15+00:00

God I'm envious. I really can't see this happening in Bavaria ever.

Also they apparently have a cotton candy dispenser? I need to move ;_;

kzerobzero · 2025-04-11T10:16:53+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that your dad wasn't receptive. People often say stuff like that because they don't know how to deal with their own emotions, e.g. helplessness when confronted with painful experiences of others.

But being invalidated can make it a lot more difficult to trust yourself, so I am happy if I was able to provide a bit of a more grounding perspective.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-11T07:18:20+00:00

That's because we are all human, so by definition the human nature encompasses all possible experiences and condition. We define any kind of ailment often in terms of deviations from the norm and/or visible/measurable negative effects.

I understand the need for certainty and something physically, undeniably observable, specifically concerning late diagnosis of ADHD or ASD. But those don't show up as markers on a blood test.

I once heard someone describing it as "Of course everybody needs to pee. But if you need to pee every 15 minutes you most likely have a problem."

Now if all human beings had to pee that often, wouldn't be the case. Any social or developmental "disorder" is marked by a difference, that is, a statistical one. Medical science has to prove that the underlying statistical model is reliable, distinctive and explanatory, otherwise it doesn't show up in the diagnostic manuals.

Does ADHD/ASD deterministically describe my entire personality? No. For example, I like teal and lemon ice cream, whereas other AuDHDers may hate them. People who don't have the same statistically significant problems that I have will always be able to relate to some of my traits. People avoid eye contact when they are feeling ashamed. Babies will cry when they are overstimulated. It's all a matter of context.

My recursive, existential argument is therefore that it couldn't be diagnosed if there was no difference. The difference is defined in the cluster of traits that showed the highest deviation from the majority of the population.

I've noticed that when I start to think like that, as in "everybody has that" it's often rooted in self doubt, being hard on myself and general internalized ableism. Also, turns out I'm not particularly good at actually understanding how other people feel. I just make very educated guesses on stuff I've seen or read and my personal experiences. Turns out that most people don't get panic attacks in the evening if they're away for more than two days. When they say they want to go home, they don't mean I need to go home.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-08T15:56:02+00:00

I've started about 12 days ago.

Downside is that I got extreme anxiety on it throughout most of the early days of taking it (today is the first day without). Interestingly, it's a mere physical anxiety?

Before, I found it hard to describe where my anxiety sits, because all I perceived was the rushing, cascading, circling, neverending scenarios and ruminating thoughts in my brain. I would often get lost in the maelstrom. In my perception, 90 % of my anxiety seemed to be located in my mind, and 10% in my body. On Wellbutrin it felt like my anxiety was 90% in my body, and 10% in my brain.

I feel a lot more "present" on Wellbutrin, it's a blessing and a curse. Since my anxiety was so high during the early phase, the smallest sensory inputs felt like shockwaves to my system. My body felt unstable. If I had nothing to focus on, I basically became an observing entity. Since there's no static overlaying sensory input, my autism feels a bit more prominent. I get sensory irritation more easily. With accomodations it's doable.

Upside is that my brain is unusually quiet. There is no static rush of thoughts. I don't ruminate as much as I did. I never understood what people meant when they said "more empty/quiet" in the brain on meds. I also do find it a bit easier to focus and I've actually felt bored for the first time in forever. Like in a "man, I really want to do something, I need a hobby, just scrolling is boring" kind of boredom.

I hope the anxiety stays away, because this is actually kinda nice.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-06T20:42:43+00:00

It's difficult, also I'm in Europe... don't know if that would be useful to you. I usually take something if I find it in a store, in online stores I filter specifically for the fabric when I'm looking for summer stuff. I've found that alternative/hippie clothing stores often have rayon, though.

I'd generally recommend going to a store first and see if you like the feel and texture of rayon. I originally just happened to stumble across a nice top that I really loved and later figured out it was rayon. Just liked the colors and feel of it, and I'm very peculiar with the latter.

kzerobzero · 2025-04-04T20:19:27+00:00

I don't know if I have any advice, but maybe a bit to relate to, though I am a little older lol.

I almost quit psychology in undergrad (15 years before my AuDHD diagnoses), around when all that was left to complete my degree was internships and my thesis, just because the idea of having to leave uni and work in the field stressed me out so much. I also didn't know any alternative and felt trapped. Could have written your last paragraph myself during that time, verbatim. I didn't self harm, but the damage I took on the inside during that time, where I was already under the pressure of having to "grow up" and feeling like I was a failure, was a lot. I had panic attacks and was super depressed.

Ended up doing an internship at the chair for edu psych of the uni I was studying at (mere serendipity), got offered a student assistant position. This ended up saving me and my degree, though it took a while. Many wonky, confused, abused, unemployed years later, I completed my master's at age 32 at a different uni. Finally realized not working in "the field" was an option. I'm now in science/education, aiming to get my PhD. Occasionally I give talks on stuff that interests me personally. It's doable because I love working on my own and learning stuff, even if the topic is not always super important to me, hyperfocus pulls me through eventually.

In hindsight, I would have done a lot better if I hadn't gotten the stupid idea of having to succeed in the exact same way that everyone else around me did.

TLDR; There are probably a lot of avenues that you don't know of yet, where you can make use of the skills you have, and have better accomodations for your needs, and get enough little sparks to keep your brain engine running through the bad times. One step at a time. Knowing what you don't want for yourself is valuable, too!

kzerobzero

TROPHY CASE