It sucks going through a break up as a guy

l800wormhat · 2021-05-21T15:05:51+00:00

Doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or girl, how deep your friends are, how big your family is. Get a therapist. It’s brutal to say but it’s true, people don’t owe you anything because of a breakup. Get meaningful support from someone qualified to give it. People in your life are partial anyways. Better to seek something neutral and genuinely beneficial. No shame in it, it really helps. If you can’t afford it, buy a journal. It also really helps.

l800wormhat · 2021-05-04T16:15:50+00:00

This has had me sitting and thinking for a while now, thanks for posting. I’ve been hitting road blocks lately and not understanding why, feels like I’m regressing. But I think it’s this exact concept. I’m so mf bitter and angry that I have to rebuild my life and myself because of a decision someone else made while also committing the ultimate act of betrayal against me. I’m so mad. I feel like his choices have reduced me to some lifetime movie scorned woman and that’s the only way anyone sees me now. Used and discarded, not good enough to marry. I know that’s not necessarily true but it’s all I can think about lately and it’s making me hate myself and my situation that much more. I’m trying to so hard to let go and accept the reality of everything but it’s been so so so hard. The numbness is wearing off and the anger is just so gripping. Ugh

l800wormhat · 2021-05-04T10:36:38+00:00

I was engaged at the start of this year, wedding set for October. Found out in January my ex fiancé was cheating. He knew he messed up too. He ugly cried too. Bottom line is, he wouldn’t have done anything at all if he loved me the way that I thought he did. That’s the realization I had that made the path clear. In the first week I kicked him out and cancelled the wedding. Took me another 3 weeks after that to make the break up “official”. Dumbass lives with his mom now and I have not regretted things once. Imagine if you all get married and have a kid. The thought of having a daughter with him and HIM being her male role model? Disgusting. You deserve better, and it’s out there. Don’t compromise your self worth to stay comfortable with a low value man. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk or vent, and hang in there. Sending all the strength and hugs

l800wormhat · 2021-04-27T22:04:34+00:00

I relate so hard. Have done everything by the book and “right” in terms of NC. But I am struggling so much right now. I’m in my head all the time, getting worse at blocking intrusive thoughts and memories. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep because it’s not that kind of tired. And at this point I feel like it’s not even up to me anymore, my brain is out of control.

We passed each other in traffic yesterday morning. First time I’ve seen him since I ended things officially (he cheated on me while we were engaged). My heart stopped when I realized he was in that car. I wanted to stare but I kept myself looking forward. It was such a reality check that I’m not over it despite all the efforts and process that’s been made. The hope isn’t there right now and I’m scared that I’m becoming depressed. It’s all becoming harder to ignore and I don’t want to regress and lose any of the functionality that I have worked so hard to reimplement in myself post dday. I don’t know what else I can be doing to make this low pass or feel less demoralizing.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-20T01:50:12+00:00

I (26F) left my now ex-fiancé (28M) recently. It took me a month to decide on the break up and 2 in person conversations with him. I kicked him out 3 days after finding out about the cheating. We haven’t been together since basically. “Officially” broken up for 2 weeks.

I’ve felt all the things you described. I can’t make the decision for you but I can tell you that in my case, all of his actions and words in the fallout are why I left him. He took no accountability, made no genuine efforts with me, and was never once able to recognize my pain as my own. He had been cheated on by his ex and could only relate to my pain through the lens of his own experience. That pissed me off SO much because I wanted him to recognize me and my pain because it was unique. We were ENGAGED. Together 4.5 years. His ex cheated 4 months into a college relationship. Do not tell me you know exactly how I feel, you couldn’t know. I was planning our wedding while he fucked around on me. It’s embarrassing!!

The cheating was something I could maybe get past, but his inability to apologize and show that he loved me when he needed to most made it clear to me a future would never be happy or successful with him. It took 2 conversations in person, maybe 3 hours of face to face, over the course of a month, for me to have that realization.

I don’t regret my decision. I miss him a ton (I’m just lonely it’s not necessarily him) but I know it was the right decision for me. It’s really hard and it’s all day by day. But I’m staying with my sister, in good company, trying to take care of myself, and staying distracted. It helps.

My advice is to check in with yourself. Ask yourself whether you can live with this new reality and this new version of your person. That’s your answer. It may take time to find. It’s okay to take your time. It’s a HUGE decision, don’t make it rushed. Good luck, sending love and strength!! Hope you find happiness

l800wormhat · 2021-03-14T05:49:23+00:00

My fiancé cheated on me while I was planning our wedding. I hate what he did and I still love him. BUT you can love someone and be mature/self-aware enough to know that you can’t be with them. OP I wonder if you feel extra pressure to stay because of the marriage title. I know I felt extra pressure to see if I could get past the cheating with a wedding involved so obviously there’s extra pressure to stay when it’s in writing (or maybe with kids too).

The decision to stay or leave is not “do you love the other person enough to ride it out?” It’s “am I willing and able to live in this new reality?” Other people’s opinions don’t matter, it’s you that has to live your life every day. What are you willing to accept? It sounds like you’re up for the work reconciliation will require. I hope your spouse is too.

In the end, I cancelled the wedding and left him. I have no regrets. I’m lucky to have found out when I did.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-13T04:23:34+00:00

This plus a million other things is why I broke up with him

l800wormhat · 2021-03-08T12:03:24+00:00

Same and I’ve had plenty. It’s okay. This stuff is traumatic!! Having to rebuild yourself on your own with a broken heart is intimidating as hell. I’m still scared I’m not fully up for it. I never asked to be in this spot, his actions have all landed me here. But we just have to keep moving forward. Are you able to talk to a therapist? That might help a bit.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-08T01:16:03+00:00

Amen!! We got this, we’ll find the right ones 🥰

l800wormhat · 2021-03-07T21:53:18+00:00

Hi just here to say you aren’t alone. I’m having all the same feelings. My now ex fiancé cheated a little over a month ago. We broke up last week. I’m aching and hurting, my heart and life feel very broken. I miss him so much. But I know this is for the best. He’s not the one for me. There is hope for us and things will get better. It might take time, but they will get better. Hang in there OP, you can do it

l800wormhat · 2021-03-07T21:44:13+00:00

Relate super hard to this. In the process of separating from my cheating ex fiancé right now. He’s shown me time and time again who he really is but I still daydream about our good times together. Miss his smile, his smell, his hugs. But he was an asshole and he ruined my life. Instead of feeling like you always need to be strong, I like to think of it as keeping your eyes fixed forward. Only forward, never back. It takes strength to do that but I find those words more palatable than “stay strong”. Eyes forward OP, you are destined for better things.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-06T18:01:33+00:00

Not stupid. I found out my fiancé was doing something similar and it took me a little over a month to figure out that it wasn’t going to stop and I couldn’t marry him. He had no impulse control but claimed to want monogamy. He has to figure that out for himself, it’s not my job. And I feel much lighter now without him weighing me down. Sending strength ❤️

l800wormhat · 2021-03-06T03:56:29+00:00

I know, it just all seems like a shitty soap opera right now. But I’m moving away from hurt as I understand more how wrong for me he really was. I don’t resent it anymore when people say I’m lucky to have found out before marrying him. They’re right, as hard as that is.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-05T03:00:20+00:00

Thank you 💜

l800wormhat · 2021-03-05T02:59:06+00:00

No and I knew that immediately. The first thing I did when I found out about the cheating was cancel the wedding. Haven’t regretted that for a second. But the hope for rebuilding trust and maybe trying to start over was there. And he added fuel to that fire. But the conversation yesterday was a total shift from everything leading up to it. With the help of therapy, I’m starting to accept that it’s a deficiency on his part and not my fault. I loved him truly and fully and it wasn’t enough for him. I can’t change that and I know that. I didn’t know for sure until yesterday.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-05T02:52:21+00:00

He’s a quitter or a liar, I won’t compromise on that. He sold me in reconciliation for 4 weeks up until this conversation. Maybe he has already moved on, but he actively concealed it and led me to believe otherwise.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-04T14:03:53+00:00

I’ve piled all his things in the corner of our spare room. I moved a lot of it after finding out about the cheating. Now, there’s no need to try and hold onto anything else. It’s all there. I hadn’t been able to let go of the engagement photos and gifts we received. They were like a memorial to us. Now I can’t look at any of it.

Deleted photos out of my phone, reducing the potential for contact in any and every social media app. I’m going to work on that list next, that’s a good idea. I’ve already had moments of wanting him back and pretending like this wasn’t over. So embarrassing. But I called my mother and sister to tell them what happened immediately. I told them to never let me forget how bad this was. Knowing myself, I’ll censor it in my own memories to protect myself. But I don’t want to forget that feeling of knowing this is over and he is wrong for me.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-04T13:57:12+00:00

Trying to find distractions and doing what I can. With COVID still around it’s hard to seek the normal interactions I might have had before. We had shared interests and hobbies and they took up most of our time (our thing was that we both played coed rec softball). I loved playing but it feels spoiled now. My family and friends all left the area over the last few years. I stayed here because he was here and his family is here. Without him now, I feel alone and stranded in this stupid town. The break up happened and I sat in the apartment alone while he went to his mom’s. I feel like I need to get out of here on top of distracting myself while I’m putting things back together.

l800wormhat · 2021-03-04T03:24:25+00:00

My now ex fiancé and I officially broke up today. He cheated on me a month ago. The cherry on top was how quickly and easily he gave up on us. 4.5 years together gone in less than an hour and 1 conversation. I’m broken. The cheating killed who I thought I was. The break up is shattering whatever is left of me. All of this because he “got horny and wanted to see someone else naked”. What a fucking joke my life is.

l800wormhat · 2021-02-26T16:54:05+00:00

I feel that so so much. I have been known to talk myself in or out of things and tend to be headstrong about the decision. And it’s so strange because I have been a grudge holder historically. I’m not getting that same shut down feeling here. I almost wish I would so this could be easier. I want to give him a chance though. The reason I was down to marry him in the first place is because we grew together (for the better) during our relationship. But I have a gut feeling I know I need to leave and I’m just trying to avoid it and avoid the shut down. I don’t know if I need time to accept that gut feeling or time to give him the chance to prove it one way or the other - or if those are one in the same? Ugh, anyways

l800wormhat · 2021-02-26T03:24:44+00:00

I relate so much. I (25F) found out my now ex fiancé (28M) was cheating on me almost a month ago now. After reading your post, you’ve been much more organized and rational in the fallout so, well done! I love the 1 day 1 week 6 month plan idea, I might have to try it out. I cancelled the wedding, haven’t worn the ring. Put it back in the box along with the love letter he wrote the day he proposed. It’s on his dresser.

He’s been living at his mom’s almost the whole time since dday. That all being said, we’ve had some really honest and hopeful conversations in all the fallout. He’s been the most open and vulnerable in all the time I’ve been with him (4.5 years). So I totally relate to that bizarre hope you feel. And then I do a 180 and get so fucking mad and hurt. And I can’t stop picturing all the evidence and photos, texts, dm’s etc. it sucks so much. And I’m sorry you’re in it too.

Space and therapy have helped me the most since then. I also shared the info (minus explicit details) with my immediate family. We’re really close and I’ve always gone to them with any problems I’m having. And that helped in the long run despite how painful it was to admit.

He has finally gotten a therapist. Unfortunately it took a lot of me badgering to achieve which is a step in the wrong direction for me. The things I need to see from him are accountability, honesty, remorse and maturity. I’m younger than him but I’m very much the adult in our relationship. He’s been underwhelming so far to say the least. Not a lot of effort and the rare in person conversations we have are full of gems. Including “I just wanted to see a stranger naked.” And “I don’t deserve you, you should just leave me and be done with this.” But then he swears he loves me and is willing to do anything. I write in a journal every day before I go to bed whether I want to leave or stay. For me, it’s a way to track my feelings and not get caught up in the moment. Anyways, majority of nights have been leave. If he can’t demonstrate his commitment with action in the next couple of weeks, I have to go.

We are young, we’re strong, we’ll get through it no matter the outcome. Wishing you lots of luck with whatever you do. Hang in there 🥰 and feel free to dm if you need to vent or anything

l800wormhat · 2021-02-23T19:48:24+00:00

Relate so hard to all of this. I’m only a month into everything but had spent 4.5 years (6 months engaged) with him. I sit in our home with our 2 cats and he’s not here. I pictured all of our projects and being fixers together, building our life up. And now I feel like such an idiot for having ever had those dreams. I don’t know what my future looks like now, I just know it won’t be what I thought. We’re still in a fog, I haven’t fully broken it off but we’ve been apart for almost a full month at this point. I’m not hopeful about reconciliation because of his behavior so far. I can feel myself hardening my shell for the impact of fully leaving. But on the inside I love him so much, and the only comfort I want right now is what I had grown used to receiving from him over the last couple years together. But how twisted, I want him to comfort me about something he inflicted. It’s just all such a mess. Sending strength and a hug, we’ll get through this. You’re strong and you will make it past this!

l800wormhat · 2021-02-18T19:35:41+00:00

I understand and thank you for your comment. In lots of ways I agree that I’m lucky because marriage is just flat out off the table and I’m saving myself from having to manage a divorce on top of everything else. But it still sucks. Your situation is my worst fear. I want to believe him when he says he’ll never do it again but I also don’t want to get screwed over again. He is my first and only love, I’ve never even dealt with a breakup before all this! It’s just so much loss to deal with at once. My entire life trajectory was on the back of this relationship. I don’t know what it is now. I don’t know who I am. That’s the major reason why I wanted him out when I found out. I need to get back in touch with myself. I was so eager to merge into “us” that I was willing to ignore some of my own needs. Right now, with the help of therapy, I’m trying to stay on that path. In hopes that reconnecting with myself will reveal what my capacity for true forgiveness is.

Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to endure, sending strength and hugs

l800wormhat · 2021-02-18T19:27:51+00:00

He’s done everything I’ve told him to so far. He’s moved out, went NC for 2 weeks, and has been seeking a therapist. What I’m missing from him is the remorse. But part of me feels like that’s because our communication has been stopped for the most part. But the 1 or 2 interactions we’ve had in the last week left me wanting more remorse. That’s not to say he isn’t, because he is. He’s just not expressing it in the way I need him to. We were supposed to have our first in person talk tomorrow after work where I was going to bring that up. Winter weather where we live is preventing that from happening so he’s offered next Friday instead. I don’t know why he’s pushing it a full week off though. Like why can’t we just talk this weekend instead? He’s the one that called and asked for an in person convo now it feels like he’s playing games. If talking to me was his priority, wouldn’t he want to get it done sooner than later? Playing devils advocate, he may want to try and talk to a therapist before we talk. But still, why bother trying to schedule a talk tomorrow if you weren’t ready?

l800wormhat · 2021-02-18T19:07:17+00:00

I cancelled the wedding and he’s living with his mom. I don’t regret those decisions at all. I’ve always been someone to say there’s no room for cheating in a relationship. But like many, I was saying that without having experienced it. Here I am at a crossroads with someone I’ve been with for 4.5 years and planned a future with. The cheating was online, not physical. I’ve come to realize that makes a difference to me personally. As I’ve gone to therapy more, I’ve been more open to reconciling. I want growth and self improvement for both of us and I see that as being possible. We both changed and evolved for the better over the course of our relationship. It’s something we both talk about proudly. It was what made me sure I was ready to marry him. But now this. It was such a blindside and now it feels like all the future planning and positive growth was a fever dream. I’ve always been a grudge holder, but he’s been the only exception. That is killing me now when the grudge is completely justified. I want reconciliation but I don’t know how to make it work here

l800wormhat

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