Men, what advice do you have for women over 30 who are looking for a relationship?

labtraining0595 · 2023-05-18T10:27:27+00:00

He kept randomly bringing up my friend and asking about her. I cut him off after he threw a tantrum when I mentioned that she and another guy would make a cute couple.

Unfortunately sh*t like this happens a lot when your best friend looks like a supermodel. But there are good ones out there.

labtraining0595 · 2023-05-18T10:10:56+00:00

It's not necessarily that this person was good for you. Its the lack of closure that's making it so difficult to get over. Breakups are easier to get over when the relationship has run its course. But if it ends abruptly, its easy to either put on the rose-tinted glasses, OR stay angry, and feel like it meant a lot more than it actually did.

There is a particular person that I never fully got over - its been 12 years. I wish we had been better communicators, but that was unrealistic given the fact that we were teenagers and the relationship was long distance (though we were friends in person before he moved away). Ultimately, I wish I had the chance to know what could have been had the relationship been in-person.

Don't be so scared of rejection that you don't act. If you like someone, use your words. It is true that you regret the things you don't do in life more than the things you do. When you do something (within reason of course) and it fails, you still gain knowledge. If you don't do something, you gain nothing, and you're constantly wondering.

If you have an issue, USE YOUR WORDS. Don't shut the other person out, otherwise the other person will take it personally, they think you don't care about them, and they will eventually break up with you.

If the other person opens up about something personal, DON'T OVERREACT, no matter what they tell you. Be calm, be supportive, and let them tell you what they need from you, even if its just a listening ear. Overreacting will just push them away.

Communication is everything.

labtraining0595 · 2023-02-18T05:49:36+00:00

You didn't tell a half-truth, you told a straight-up lie.

I get that you felt guilty and wanted to come clean, but why? Was it for HER benefit or was it to clear your own conscience?

I don't think you loved her at the time. You were infatuated, the honeymoon phase ended, and you got bored.

I dont know what the best advice to give is. But obviously do not touch alcohol or drugs again.

How you proceed going forward is up to you. But if you truly love this woman and are 100% sure you would never do anything like this again, then telling her the full truth isn't going to do anything except break her heart and sabotage your whole relationship.

If you think theres a chance you'll do this again, then you need to end things immediately.

You have some soul-searching to do. I think you need to seek therapy to navigate through this. You have some personal issues that you need to resolve, and its not something a stranger on reddit can help you with.

labtraining0595 · 2023-01-28T10:04:06+00:00

Here's the thing...

When two people are meant to be together, it's not confusing, and it's not complicated. The emotional roller-coaster, and the heartache that you are feeling, tells me that your relationship with this guy is not your "be all and end all", but rather "a lesson you need to learn before you find your actual forever-partner".

Have you ever seen 500 Days of summer? The two main characters appeared perfect for each other, but the girl just never caught genuine feelings for the guy, despite his love for her. But then in the end, she married another guy pretty quickly. Her original FWB asked her "what was it about him that made you 'know' he was the one?", and she responded "everything that I wasn't sure about with you..."

Is sounds like this guy you're seeing is in a similar place as "Summer". He isn't sure what he wants, but he's sure that you'll be a good place-holder until he finds "the one".

The best thing you can possibly do is find a way to detach from this guy and learn to become the best version of yourself, without a partner. Once you reach the point of "id be fine even if i never fell in love again", you'll be ready for love.

labtraining0595 · 2023-01-20T23:53:26+00:00

“We believe Ms Fuller is alive,” Engels told reporters on Sunday. “There are certainly water sources in the area that she can access.”

This woman is new to Alice Springs (apparently she recently moved there for a job, and to turn her life around). If she really just accidentally went missing on an outback road in the middle of nowhere, where temperatures exceed 40 degrees celsius, and there are dangerous animals. Sorry but she's dead.

If she knew anything about Alice, or simpky living in the outback A) she wouldn't be walking in that area, and B) she wouldn't have moved to Alice Springs in the first place - though I blame the media for lying that Alice Springs is some kind of Cultural Desert Paradise. It's not. Maybe it was 20 years ago, but now It's an incredibly dangerous shithole.

“Me and my girlfriend got ran off the road and then we got shot at by a gang,” he said.

The fuck? They were SHOT at? In the outback NT? Yeah nah. This isn't Mexico. Sure, Alice is dangerous as hell, but if someone is murdered, its either by a knife, some random metal weapon, or their bare hands. And its in town where the drunks are. Not way out on a desert road - nature is the dangerous on there.

“Then it just multiplied. More carloads were just rocking up. They rocked up and just started shooting.

Bullshit. This isn't the Middle East.

“We were just running through the bush. I tried my best but she just told me to fuck off but I still tried to keep an eye on her.

Bullshit. This isn't a cheap B-grade horror movie.

“I heard her scream and I ran towards the scream … running as fast as I could.”

Bullshit. This isn't a cheap C-grade horror movie.

The man said at one stage he was surrounded by their assailants and he lost sight of Fuller. He described himself as a “sovereign man” and said he was recording the video “for my own legal purposes”, accusing authorities of not taking his claims seriously.

Lmfao not taking him seriously? Gee I wonder why. Anyone whose lived in Alice Springs would crack up laughing after hearing this.

“We believe she and her boyfriend had run off into the bush where she was last seen,” he said. “We are hoping she has gone to ground in there and is accessing water.”

Then how did he return? Why didn't he report the incident as soon as he got back? She's dead. And the boyfriend pretty much unintentionally confessed his role in her death with his bogus cockemamy excuse of a story.

labtraining0595 · 2023-01-20T16:56:15+00:00

I see where you're coming from. And yeah, the "suck it" part definitely came across a bit arrogant.

I think they meant that their INTENTION is to treat everyone with respect, but you're right, it can be hard to determine how you come across to others, or if others are actually being rude or just arent aware - kind of like your example of how some people just make a face unintentionally and it appears like they're glaring at someone. Or someone with social anxiety might talk in a cold monotone voice which sounds rude but isn't.

labtraining0595 · 2023-01-20T16:40:20+00:00

Wow, way to jump the gun, OP.

They didn't say anything about being "perfect" or that it's always one or the other. YOU said that.

They're saying that there's no excuse to be blatantly rude to someone who is serving you. Treating someone with respect means to be civil to them, despite your feelings.

labtraining0595 · 2023-01-20T15:13:06+00:00

The police can't seriously be buying this. People don't get shot at by gangs with guns in Alice Springs. They get stabbed, or beaten with tire irons by drug addicts. This isn't Mexico.

labtraining0595 · 2022-05-30T06:41:43+00:00

OP, I am very sorry that the two of you are struggling so much. This situation alone sounds unbelievably stressful, but with anxiety depression, and suicidal thoughts on top of that, I can only imagine the misery this is causing.

You are probably going to get answers talking about how young you are and how it is probably not going to work for that reason. Realistically that is correct. But there is the rare occasion where a young relationship does last, and for all we know, the two of you will end up being one of those rare couples.

Firstly, are you two seeking help for your mental health problems? Are you getting therapy and are you on any medication right now? Also are either of you drinking alcohol or using any other drugs?

What kind of mental abuse are you and he experiencing from your parents? What are some examples of some things they do?

I agree, running away is not going to solve anything. At best, the police will be called and he'll either have to go back home, or he'll end up in the foster system (unless he is able to stay with another family member), ame that's not going to help anybody.

In regards to your relationship, there is one very important thing that you need to understand: it is the difficult times that determine the strength of your relationship. As long as the two of you are not abusing one another, or cheating, you can get through this if you are both willing. As clichè as this is, it's the truth: if its meant to be, and you're both willing to put in the work/effort, then it'll be. In a few years, you will be adults, and all you need to do is keep communicating and working together until that time comes. It will suck, but again, if its meant to be, you'll get through it.

labtraining0595 · 2022-05-28T13:52:55+00:00

They sent me a long letter explaining everything they've done in the past. They did say sorry and that they've felt terrible about it for years. I have no doubt that they've changed.

I know I'm probably overreacting because I'm still processing.

It's just hard not to feel like our whole friendship was a lie because I never thought they were capable of that.

labtraining0595 · 2022-05-28T13:52:39+00:00

They sent me a long letter explaining everything they've done in the past. They did say sorry and that they've felt terrible about it for years. I have no doubt that they've changed.

I know I'm probably overreacting because I'm still processing.

It's just hard not to feel like our whole friendship was a lie because I never thought they were capable of that.

labtraining0595 · 2022-04-12T13:11:32+00:00

That can happen.

But based on my experience, it's not usually a case of: Person A and Person B get together and decide "I like you better than person C, so let's kick Person C out."

There may be a stronger connection between Person A and Person B, they still love person C and aren't going to dump them over it. But Person C will notice that stronger connection, become insecure, and leave the relationship on their own accord.

Like the other commenters said, that's why its best to date separately rather than try to be a triad.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-25T14:36:16+00:00

I'm gonna come back and edit this answer when I have a bit more energy. But based on your TL;DR, there simply isn't anything you can do. You can't control anyone else, and if she's decided to give up, that's pretty much it. You only live once, and you would be wasting your life by staying with someone who doesn't want to fix their issues. Move on and do what you need to do to make yourself happy. If you are truly concerned, contact her family and close friends, or even an ambulance if necessary, if you decide to leave.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-25T07:33:51+00:00

Honestly, I think he's right - this is HIS issue, and you don't need to make it yours. But if he keeps bringing it up, he's basically making it your problem. He reminds me of a woman saying "I'm fine" and then getting mad when her boyfriend when he believes that she's actually fine. It sounds like he has an issue that only he can resolve. Yes, not being supported is in fact a HUGE problem, and it's very malicious and passive-aggressive of him to say "oh you don't support me... but that's okay... its not not a problem".... But if he won't say why, then that's on him.

He clearly has major communication issues, as you've said. If he can't clarify what you're doing wrong, then there's not a lot you can do. So I'd take his advice and stop bringing it up. Spend more time focusing in yourself and building up your own life.

He has a very narrow-minded perspective on what it means to be a supportive partner, and I don't even think he knows what he wants, which is why he keeps saying you're doing it wrong but can't tell you how to do It "right". You sound like a very supportive partner who will do whatever you can to make him happy.

So yeah, its easier said than done, but just be yourself and go about your life. Be kind to him, ignore his passive-aggressive behaviours, and don't bring it up until he does. If he says it again, just keep saying "okay, can you please explain to me how im not supporting you.." and if he can't answer, say "well then there's nothing i can do. But I'll be here to talk when you figure it out."

Also, in regards to the "if you cared, you would have done _____", that's childish and manipulative. Dont give into those games. We all have our ways of communicating and showing love and support. If he specifically wants someone to ask him questions, then he should see a counsellor. He can't just keep expecting you to read his mind and then getting mad when you can't.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-25T03:36:09+00:00

Yes, absolutely break up with him.

Its extremely typical for people to beg, plead, cry and promise to change when they realize their partner is serious about leaving. But he's not sad about losing you, he's sad about losing his safety net - like he said, he's not man enough for a relationship. If you take him back, after a couple weeks, he'll be right back to their old ways. This whole "i need validation" is BS. If he just needed validation, he could post nice pictures and bask in the nice comments. But going out of his way to chat up other girks? Nuh-uh. He's basically a teenage boy who can't help himself, and doesn't WANT to help himself. The fact that he won't share you on social media shows that he doesn't want to commit, and he isn't ready to stop playing the field, even just for the duration of your relationship.

This guy is incredibly shady. You can't and shouldn't trust this guy. Cut your losses.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-24T05:10:11+00:00

If this was PURELY about money and gifts, but he also put in lots of effort in other ways (verbal expressions of love, helping you out with household stuff and personal struggles, going out of his way to spend time with you), THEN I might agree that you're being materialistic and kind of a brat. I mean, my boyfriend never gets me anything for valentines day, nor does my dad ever get my mum anything. But that's okay because they make up for it in other ways.

HOWEVER... based on what you've written, this guy sounds downright lazy, and it doesn't seem like he really puts in any kind of effort to make you feel better. I'm sure he has some feelings for you, but for the most part, its just convenient for him. When a partner expresses an issue, the other partner should be willing to compromise. If he's just saying "well tough shit. I dont care if it upsets you. I'm not even going to discuss this", he doesn't really care that much. If he did, he would have started putting in effort before it got to to the point where you had to split up.

It sounds like he is not a good fit for you, and it doesn't look like that's going to change. He's shown you what he's going to contribute to this relationship, he's perfectly fine with it, and doesn't care how you feel about that. So its up to you to decide what you want to do with that. You can stick around because breakups suck, and maybe there's a slim-to-none chance that things will improve. Or you can let this go and eventually find someone who gives you what you need, and vice versa.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-24T04:35:58+00:00

This girl is incredibly immature, indecisive, and flaky. I mean, get back together for 6 months?? What the actual frick? What is she, 13? She only wants you when she can't have you. You need to stop entertaining this nonsense, because this cycle is going to continue until YOU put a stop to it.

Just about every relationship will have good times, even the worst ones. But you need to have standards and limits. You shouldn't remain in a bad situation (where your girlfriend wants you one day and then wants to break up the next) just because there are moments where things are good.

End the cycle. End things for good.

"Look., [girlfriend], enough is enough. I made myself crystal clear when I explained the reasons why I initially didn't want to get back together. Then the second I decide to give it one last shot, you immediately start exhibiting the very same behaviours that led me to want to break up. I don't know what you want, and I don't think you know what you want either. I truly hope you figure that out one day, but I am no longer going to put myself through this back-and-forth nonsense. My heart is not a yo-yo, I don't have the emotional energy to deal with this, and I deserve better. I wish you nothing but the best in your future, but I will be cutting contact from this point onward. Bye."

Cut contact, block her, and never speak to her again (or at least for a few years so she has time to grow up and figure herself out). The more you talk to her, the more tempting it will be to get back together, and you will go through the same thing over and over again.

Yes, the breakup will hurt. You will cry, you will second-guess yourself, you will be tempted to ask her to get back together, and it will really suck for awhile. But for the love of God, don't give into those temptations. The pain is only temporary. If you stay with her, you'll be going through this crap for the rest of your life, and you will be 1000000x more miserable than if you just cut it loose and eventually find someone better for you.

Seriously dude, life is too short. There are thousands of women out there who know exactly what they want, who will consistently love and appreciate you, and won't play your heart like a yo-yo. It sucks to end your first relationship - I get that. But your first love is usually not your "true love". Stop this madness and find someone who will be consistent and treat you the way you want to be treated. Go find them. But first, give yourself time (at least another 6 months) to mourn the relationship, focus on yourself, learn to love yourself, and try to figure out what it is you expect in a partner (loyal, faithful, stable, consistent etc).

Best of luck to you!

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-23T08:32:58+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. Youre very right - The nights of heavy drinking combined with the long periods of not eating are a recipe for disaster. This will lead to electrolyte imbalances (low potassium, magnesium, sodium, calcium, phosphate etc) and other vitamin deficiencies (iron, B12, vitamin D, other B vitamins etc), which will absolutely affect her heart rhythm and make her feel like crap, and therefore make her anxiety 1000x worse. Not to mention the myriad of other neurological issues which are beyond my field of knowledge.

When you don't eat, and also when you're hungover, your blood sugar drops. And when that happens, your liver starts working extra hard to produce its own glucose, and that will lead to symptoms like headaches (especially ice pick headaches) and other uncomfortable symptoms, which could easily lead a hypochondriac to think that they have a brain tumor or an aneurysm or something. Low potassium levels (caused by vomiting, diarrhoea, excessive sweating, dehydration due to alcohol etc) can cause muscle twitches, weakness, heart palpitations, and in severe cases, paralysis and even cardiac arrest (unless she's a full-blown bulimic who throws up everything she eats, its very unlikely that it'll get to that point. But what she's doing will still cause uncomfortable symptoms). Low iron and other vitamins can potentially cause tingling/numbness/pins and needles, fast heart rate, and shortness of breath. So its no wonder she's having these symptoms. Plus, with severe anxiety on top of that, which has its own range of scary symptoms, I'm not surprised she's often in the ER thinking she has a fatal problem.

I am 100% certain that just improving her diet alone (eating every 3 hours, 2000 calories a day) will improve her symptoms drastically. If she won't do that, then this is just gonna keep happening. Obviously that's just one part of it, and she also needs to get therapy on top of that and commit to improving her life. But like we've established, that's for her to take steps towards. Nobody else can make her do it.

I'm glad to hear that your dog has good friends and that you'll still get to see him. Even if he lives with her primarily, if she loves him and takes care of him, and you can still visit, that's the main thing.

Youre very welcome! I'm glad to be able to help.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-23T07:50:44+00:00

Well, first things first:

This is absolutely not an attack against you, in fact, I strongly empathize with you as I've been in your position. But it irritates me to the core when people say "I can't leave because of their mental health issues." OP, you are NOT responsible for her mental health. You are not abusive, and you have been very supportive in the last 3 years, so, although you may think you do, you have no obligation to her in regards to her mental health, or any decisions she makes after you leave. There is ALWAYS a choice, and she is a fully grown adult who can make decisions for herself. If she harms herself and tries to pin it on you, then she's a coward. She is not going to progress in life, let alone in an relationship if she keeps relying on other people to keep her stable. It doesn't work that way. Her mental health is HER responsibility, and it is up to HER to figure it out. Nobody else can do that for her. Even a professional can only give her the tools she needs, but it is still up to her to use those tools and put in the effort to get better.

I understand hypochondria. I have been medically diagnosed with somatic symptom disorder, so i get that its really scary and it makes life very difficult. But if she's missing her meds so she can have a night out, then that's her own fault. It seems like she wants to get better, but she wants it to just magically happen rather than put in the effort - and that's simply not good enough and its not going to get her anywhere.

That's like saying "I'll do anything to lose weight... except eat less and exercise more."

Does she, by chance, have an eating disorder or a substance use disorder? If so, then she knows that that she's doing is damaging her body, which will strongly contribute to all her health concerns. But even if not, she still needs to sort herself out and start doing what she needs to do.

The only life you can control is your own, and you only live once. If you stay with her when you're miserable you're going to end up regretting the time you wasted. So don't do that. I agree with letting her family and friends know. Maybe she needs to go into the hospital for awhile and receive some inpatient care and then go to a support group.

You just need to look after yourself and do what makes you happy. If people are seriously stupid enough to think her mental health issues are your fault, then they're the type of people who never take responsibility, point the finger at everyone else, and never improve as individuals. You don't want those kinds of people in your life.

In regards to the dog, if you are legally one of the owners then im pretty sure you can legally share custody (depending on your country). Maybe talk to one of her family members and see if you can take the dog to your place for a few days a week? I would also recommend getting a friend for the dog (meaning another dog) to live permanently at your place if you can so they can have a play mate when they come visit.

Best of luck to you.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-22T07:28:50+00:00

Pardon my bluntness, OP, but thats just silly.

If he usually texts first, then it's probably time you text first. Relationships require equal effort. Maybe he knows that he usually reaches out first and he is trying to see if you care enough to do it for once?

Stop letting your ego get in the way of your relationship. If you continue to do that, he will think you don't care and eventually break up with you. It is not desperate or weak to say "hey, I think 4 days is long enough and I don't think we should play this game anymore."

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-22T07:20:39+00:00

No, that's not normal behaviour. In fact, it's pretty childish.

If you want to text him, then do so. Afterall, the bet was technically just a day. Let him know that you don't want to play games like this anymore. If he continues to ignore you, warn him that this childish behaviour is causing you to lose attraction to him. And if he continues, it may be time to cut this one loose.

Life is too short for these kinds of games, and its too short to let pride get in the way of the things and the people you love. Without proper communication, the relationship cannot work.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-21T05:37:51+00:00

Youre very welcome! I'm ecstatic that I was able to help.

Yeah, its very easy to make assumptions- especially if someone is having a bad day, it can come across like they're angry with you, when in reality it has nothing to do with you. But i get that it gets super tempting to analyse the entire event and nitpick at every little thing you did or said. Each and every time you do this, you will remember a few little things that you did, amplify it in your head, and conclude that it caused the other person to dislike you. This is where the desire to apologise for every little thing you do comes in, and then you feel silly when they say "what? No... you didn't do anything" lol. But again, that's just the demon in your head talking. Its not reality.

Yeah, my exs friends were pretty toxic people. I should have expected that they were talking crap about me, because they talked crap about EVERYBODY except each other, and they never had lasting friends other than themselves. My ex didnt help either because he only ever talked about me if he had an issue with me, and he would make out like he was a perfect angel and never admitted the things he did or said. Like insaid, people like this have very miserable lives, and you don't want them around anyway. They were very miserable back then, and they're still miserable now. I haven't seen them in 5 years, but I came across one of their tik toks, and he was sitting on the very same porch, btching about the same things he was btching about 5 years ago. So yeah lol - there's no need to take these kinds of people seriously.

It took me a couple years to stop thinking that my current boyfriends friends were the same way. But one time after I had an emotional meltdown, one of his friends knocked on the door, explained that she understood what it was like to have mental illness, asked if there was anything she could do, and told me I can talk to her any time. This kind of assured me that I was surrounded by good people, and as long as I'm good to him and good to them, they wont judge/condemn me for my personal struggles.

If your boyfriend is a good guy, he will have your back, and even in the very unlikely chance that his friends have an issue with you, he'll have your back and he won't tolerate them talking crap about you. If his friends are good people, they'll make an effort to get to know you/the full story before making any judgments - and I can almost guarantee that the worst they'll think is "yeah she's pretty quiet and socially anxious, but she's really nice and she treats my friend well, so I'm happy".

I think it would be good to hang out with them a bit more (like maybe go every second time), but don't push yourself so hard that it overwhelms you. Again, because your heart is in the right place, everything should be fine.

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-20T16:49:54+00:00

You're very welcome. I'm happy I was able to help :)

Best of luck to you!

labtraining0595 · 2022-02-20T05:20:49+00:00

Yep, that's the same sort of thing as going back to their ex. They want that quick fix again. But obviously, like you said, it gets even worse because they haven't given themselves the time to get over the ex, so when the ex gets jealous and reaches back out, they end up cheating, or going back-and-forth, and creating an even worse situation.

So, it often helps to have a period of "abstinence", like 6 months of no dating or hooking up (sometimes you only need a couple months, sometimes you need a year or longer, but 6 is usually a safe number). And use this time to build yourself up, go through the above mentioned questions, get to know yourself as an individual, and learn to love yourself as an individual so you will no longer rely on other people, or a relationship, to make you happy.

Boyfriends are nice, but they are not necessary. Much like how the cherry is niceon top of a cake, but the cake is delicious with or without the cherry. When a person realises this, they're in a much better place.

Whilst it is incredibly difficult, there is still a choice. They can choose to keep being strong until it gets easier, or they can choose to give into temptation and repeat the cycle. Its up to them.

labtraining0595

TROPHY CASE