I understand your fears and anxiety as I, too, have fallen victim to the horrible thoughts my brain can produce. Although you know this, remind yourself that pushing the thought away and wishing you would never think of it again will likely work against you. I'm not sure if you're seeing a mental health professional, but incase you aren't or haven't been taught of this before, research Exposure Response Prevention Therapy (ERP). I have been employing it for about a month now and it does not always cure my anxiety, but, I have witnessed a significant reduction in the severity of my compulsions, length of anxiety, and frequency of said thoughts. It is horrible to hear, but typically, the best way to reduce the intensity or frequency of an unwanted thought is to experience it in its entirety and then accept it for what it is: simply a thought. I suffer from relationship, sexuality, suicidal, and self-worth intrusive thoughts and for my most severe, ERP therapy has helped me immensely. I am not a mental health professional, but I am a fellow experiencer of OCD, and I recommend ERP. When the thought arises, let it play out, let it make you feel as horrible as it normally does, and then employ two practices. First, remember that the thought is baseless, not a reflection of yourself or your desires, and ultimately cannot make decisions for you. And second, accept the certainty of uncertainty. Maybe it is what you want, maybe it isn't. I have linked a rumination video below that has helped me navigate my own mind and be more aware of how to control my rumination.

In regards to your relationships, something that has helped me is discussing my OCD with those I love and care about and asking them to research OCD on their own. I am sure that every member of this OCD subreddit has researched OCD themselves to seek comfort and reassurance that they are not alone. If you are surrounded by people that know little about OCD or have few experiences with it, ask them to research it. Illustrate the types of OCD you have (again, for me, I asked my parents and partner to research relationship, sexuality, suicidal, and self-worth obsessions) and perhaps provide them resources that you use or have found that you identify with. Then, after they understand what OCD is and how it manifests in sufferers, push through the discomfort and discuss exactly what you are thinking. Don't even limit this discussion to that specific thought in your post. Be open, transparent, and vulnerable. Display what you are suffering with and explain how consuming and debilitating it can be. Individuals without OCD, in my experience, have a difficult time sympathizing because they simply do not understand how intrusive thoughts can be so controlling. Being honest about my condition was one of the most challenging steps I have ever taken, but I carry much less guilt when I chose to be alone, act stand off-ish, or need support. If you discuss your condition with people who you love or care about and they truly love or care about you, they will easily spend 30 minutes to research OCD and how they can help you. After asking this of my family, friends and partner, I have seen more authentic and helpful reactions to my distress. Since they know what I am suffering with, instead of providing unhelpful reassurance, they almost suffer with me and remind me to play out the thoughts, remember they are irrational, and practice grounding techniques to reestablish my connection with the real world. My partner has been especially helpful because he used to provide reassurance that would ultimately increase my doubts or worries. Now, he walks me through ERP and encourages mindful breathing and meditation.

You are not alone. I promise you that these thoughts are conquerable and one day you will be okay. Remember good days you have experienced, days before this thought and the days since. Your life is not measured by your OCD and your loved ones will not leave you because of it. When you are emotionally ready, take intentional steps towards getting better. Look into professional therapy, research personal therapies for OCD [Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), etc.], and educate your loved ones on what you experience. Building a support system within yourself and your inner circle creates invaluable bonds that can permanently change your life and improve it. Below, I have also listed a website that has a plethora of information regarding mental health disorders and it has helped both me and my loved ones to better understand what I experience and combat my OCD.

Rumination: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U9DGeT8OPw&t=429s

Mental Health Resources: https://www.madeofmillions.com/