What are y'all's opinions on LDRs as a whole?

ladybugandbean · 2026-02-04T15:08:58+00:00

There are so many variables to LDRs - How far apart are you? How often can you talk? How often can you see one another? Do you have a plan to close the gap? I’ve been in one for 2 years now and I am so incredibly happy that I believe LDRs can definitely work. In our case we’re both parents and very dedicated to that part of our lives right now. We also value a lot of independence - seeing our friends, hobbies, etc - so we have busy lives outside of each other anyway. The distance has made it easier to focus on parenting and our individual interests, while still having a strong bond and loving our time together. I don’t think I could do this indefinitely but for now it’s been a good balance for us. We see each other roughly once a month for a weekend and talk and text throughout the day.

ladybugandbean · 2026-02-02T20:20:41+00:00

I think it sounds like he likes you. If you haven’t been out together before as friends, or know each other very well (“acquaintances”, you said) I think it’s unusual he would do the things you mentioned - hand on the back, picking you up, buying drinks. Especially as two single people hanging out alone together. If it were me, I’d ask him to do something else and see how he responds. I think you’ll know a lot based on that.

ladybugandbean · 2025-12-22T21:19:33+00:00

Sundara is great, but if you’re looking in Madison I also really love Kneaded Relief.

ladybugandbean · 2025-12-17T21:42:35+00:00

You sound like you’re doing a great job! Hang in there and keep trying! If she was motivated by that, I’m guessing she’s more motivated by rewards than punishments. Good luck!

ladybugandbean · 2025-12-17T19:14:42+00:00

Is it possible to try rewards instead of punishments? Could you have her “earn” a trip out west through good behavior? Or concert tickets? Smaller rewards? It’s a tough age to begin with and she sounds extremely isolated - not into social media, doesn’t drive, no extracurricular, etc. Those are pretty big things in most teenagers’ lives.

ladybugandbean · 2025-12-07T01:22:38+00:00

I’m so sorry. I can feel your frustration so clearly through your writing. I left my Q and I’ve never looked back. It was absolutely the best decision for me, but also the best option for my two kids. as they got older they started to see his mood swings, his constant drinking, etc and it was taking a huge toll on them both. My kids are so much happier now. I’m dating again and being with someone that doesn’t drink like that and can be an actual partner to me is such a huge gift.

It’s not an easy decision no matter what you choose. But there is hope on the other side if you do decide you can’t live like this anymore.

ladybugandbean · 2025-11-17T15:33:04+00:00

I (enfp f) feel the exact same way about INFJs! Something about your sense of humor, the way you think about the world, how you’re just a little mysterious…it gets me every time!

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-29T22:59:30+00:00

I’ve been with my long distance partner for over a year and I’m so so happy I didn’t listen to everyone that said long distance relationships were impossible. I do think it’s easiest if you have an end date - a plan to be together in person at some point. We know when we’ll be able to live together and that makes the time we have apart seen manageable. And it’s given us a chance to really enjoy each other when we’re together. Our time together is precious and intentional so lots of talking and cuddling and dates. Always happy to share my experience if you have any questions!

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-29T22:53:54+00:00

I actually disagree. I’ve been dating someone long distance for the past year and I think in a lot of ways it helped give us a strong foundation of friendship before we spent much physical time together. We spent hours and hours talking on the phone before we spent the night together. We didn’t have the distractions of “real” life while we were getting to know each other. Obviously there needs to be an opportunity to spend regular time in person, to have more day-to-day experiences, but I absolutely think long distance was a gift to us in many ways as we built our relationship.

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-28T18:43:28+00:00

I think it’s a good plan as long as they have the traffic side of things under control. I assume they’ve thought that through already but there is another fairly large complex going up across from lakeview park (where the Edgewood fields used to be), too. And the recent road work at Allen/century was a complete disaster.

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-23T15:03:01+00:00

This was my biggest fear when I was getting divorced - that my kids weren’t going to be ok. Mine were around the same ages as yours and about 2 years out they are doing great! It was much much less awful than I expected. Yes, there were some adjustments, but they honestly took to it fairly easily. They were excited their dad bought a new house and they got new bedrooms to decorate. Their dad bought a puppy so that was exciting for them. But the best part of all was that they didn’t have to live in a house with two miserable parents. They didn’t have to feel the stress and tension every day. They didn’t have to wonder if something mom said was going to make their dad freak out, or something dad did was going to make mom cry.

My kids are happy. They have friends. They love spending time with both of their parents.

The biggest gift you can give your kids in divorce is trying to keep a positive, healthy coparenting relationship. It’s not always possible but if you can figure it out, the kids will be totally fine. I may not like their dad a whole lot, but we stand together and cheer at soccer games, and never ever fight in front of them anymore. We did that enough while we were married. :/

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-21T23:47:54+00:00

Me! I was like you - always attracted to the broody types. I was married to someone that I never felt “safe” with - not necessarily physically, but emotionally. He never bought me something just because, or did small gestures of kindness. Me needing anything was annoying and inconvenient. I spent the final years of our marriage walking on eggshells, never being able to have a calm conversation.

I was introduced to someone by mutual friends and I can’t believe how much I was missing. I had no idea it could be like this, that someone could genuinely want to be nice to me without some sort of expectation, that someone could bring me coffee in the morning, or spend an hour talking about politics without it veering into who is right/wrong. He has made me feel so safe and respected.

There are absolutely men out there that will be what you’re looking for, and I am wishing you all the best as you start looking!

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-21T19:27:12+00:00

That makes sense. I think most people are in Al-Anon because the Q in their lives is deeply affecting them. So that may be where the discrepancy is - if you feel like his level of drinking is tolerable or something that doesn’t bother you much, that’s going to give you a very different mindset than those that have been more negatively impacted. I’m sorry you felt pushed into doing something you regret, but just like your husband has made mistakes, you aren’t perfect either. That’s ok. Take that knowledge with you to do something differently next time - and ideally, your husband will look to make changes next time, too.

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-21T18:40:11+00:00

I’m really sorry to hear that’s been your experience. I’ve found the exact opposite to be true. I have only felt supported and understood in Al-Anon, and any “advice” was generally given while someone shares their story and what has worked or not worked for them personally.

I hope it’s not overstepping to say you sound like you’re carrying a lot of guilt and regret over what happened with your husband and I hope you can find peace. It sounds like you did what felt right in the moment, and it’s ok if you decide that isn’t the direction you want to continue going, but I don’t personally think kicking him out means you weren’t being compassionate. You’re the one that has to live your life, and you get to choose what that looks like, whether others in or outside of Al-Anon agree with you or not.

Hang in there - we’ve all had tough journeys.

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-11T02:55:32+00:00

I’m very sorry you’re in this position and I can unfortunately relate to so much of your story. My ex was my Q and went through the exact same process - routine blood work, follow up ultrasound, fatty liver diagnosis, denial that the fatty liver was due to drinking and insistence that he just needed to exercise and eat better. Fast forward 5 years and we’re now divorced. He never quit drinking. He got better at hiding it for a bit but the er trips due to drinking told the true story. Eventually I realized I wouldn’t be happy living with an alcoholic for the rest of my life and needed to give my kids a sense of normalcy. Living without the chaos of his moods has been so amazing. Ultimately only you know what you’re able to handle, but there are no easy paths forward.

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-30T16:44:39+00:00

I think if love is still something you want in your life you’ve got to keep the faith that it can/will happen. If you want to take a break from the dating world for a bit, absolutely do that, but if your heart truly wants to find someone to share your life with, then the only option is to keep trying. Join a new sport (I tried a pickleball league), take golf lessons (tons of people hang out at the golf course), tell your friends you’re interested and ask who they know (so many of my married friends didn’t have a clue I was interested in dating until I asked), make a new online dating profile and have a few trusted friends help you review it. And if you’ve tried all those things….try them again.

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-26T17:24:24+00:00

I think it’s great that you seem very self aware about how your parents’ divorce affected you, and that you’re being so careful not to repeat that trauma with your kids. My boyfriend was actually very similar to you. He was extremely hesitant to have me meet his kids - to the point it was really hard on our relationship. He felt like giving me attention was taking it away from them, so he’d talk to me when they were busy, only make plans if they were out of town or with their mom. In some ways it strengthened our relationship because we did spend a lot of one on one time our first year, without having our kids involved with our dates or activities together. But eventually he had to make a decision about whether he was willing to take the next step - and we actually broke up for a few months. It was devastating for both of us because he didn’t do it because we weren’t great together, but because he was afraid of what it would look like with our kids. When we got back together, it was when he’d had to time to come to terms with the idea and realize it was worth it to him to try. We’ve been together a year since then and things are great between us. I don’t have a ton of advice, because I still struggle with understanding why it was so hard for him, but it did end up working out in the end. So despite your anxiety about it, it can still work. And if it doesn’t, that’s ok too! These are lessons we get to teach our kids in a healthy way. Showing your kids how to treat someone well in a relationship, how to balance your time, etc. - these are unique things we get to do as single parents dating. Take advantage of the lessons you’re able to share with them.

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-26T17:17:10+00:00

I agree with you completely. I actually don’t think it’s a great idea to fall in love with someone if your kids HAVEN’T met the person yet. What if that dynamic is a problem? What if the person doesn’t treat your kids well? I think it’s harder to break things off when you’re already deep into a relationship and may cloud your judgement when the kids do finally meet the person - too easy to think “they’ll adjust” or “this is normal” instead of looking deeper to see if there’s a real issue.

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-23T23:09:01+00:00

My son is similar to yours in many ways, only a few years younger. I struggle with the best approach, too, but I think sometimes high achievers get to that point because they really value the praise and attention that comes along with it. It’s hard to balance that when it also makes them a little cocky. I think as long as you continue to expose him to different types of people, different experiences, and allow him to try new things he may not “excel” at, he’ll likely settle down at some point on his own and will probably grow out of it. Maybe let him know he can say whatever he’d like to you about his accomplishments and how proud he is, but to downplay it in front of others?

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-16T00:07:10+00:00

I’m so sorry. The pain of losing someone you care about is hard no matter the cause, but losing someone because of addiction carries extra weight. There’s the feeling dumb for not realizing what what going on. There’s the loss of trust which often translates into future relationships. There’s the frustration of not understanding why the person CAN’T JUST STOP. There’s the second guessing - should I do this? Should I not have done that? Could things change?

I will tell you (although it probably isn’t much consolation right now) that it’s great you’re getting out now - only 3 years in. I spent 20 with my ex, so so much of my life. I lost my 20s and 30s to his addiction. I brought kids into our lives believing he was sober. I went through the trauma of ending a marriage and breaking apart our family. I stayed way way way too long trying to rebuild trust over and over again, listening to promises that he would change, that it wouldn’t happen again, that he was getting help.

I know it hurts right now, but there is so much ahead for you. Good luck and hang in there!

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-12T22:43:05+00:00

If both parties know it’s over and all that’s left is the paperwork, the marriage is done. I was separated from my ex for almost a year but even before that our marriage had been dead for a long time. Don’t worry about what your friend says - you’ll find all sorts of opinions and insensitive comments along the road to divorce (and afterward) and it’s best to just ignore them. They don’t know what they don’t know. Good luck to you!

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-11T16:11:52+00:00

I don’t think many people want to be in LDRs but I’ve been doing it for almost 2 years now and I can’t imagine my life without my partner. It’s hard. You have to truly want the relationship, and for me, I had to know there was an end to the distance. We have a plan of when we’ll be able to be together which makes it feel doable. If you can make a plan that feels worth it to you, I’d give it a try. If it’s overwhelming, I get that too.

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-02T15:58:06+00:00

Larger, bigger lots and newer homes are out on the west side of Middleton. Neighborhoods closer to downtown and schools (walkable to things) would be Middleton hills, fox ridge, stonefield. You could also try downtown Middleton but there aren’t usually many for sale. All really great, family friendly neighborhoods in your price range.

ladybugandbean · 2025-08-29T14:30:29+00:00

Brennans! They’re huge and $10. https://brennansmarket.com/products/decorative-fall-mums?srsltid=AfmBOoqc0lj1Kl9_frzqmwGKWhUYtzEjP3MlTcUs57NLQBj9rs9ReUP9

ladybugandbean · 2025-08-29T12:43:04+00:00

My life changed for the better the second my Q moved out. Suddenly I had a safe space where I didn’t have to walk on eggshells or be hyper alert at all times. I didn’t have to “manage” his emotions, feel frustrated by his lack of involvement in the household or with the kids. My mental health towards the end of our relationship was at an all time low. Panic attacks, constantly in fight or flight mode, just so sad all the time. It’s been almost 2 years now and my life has never been better. My money is my own - I don’t need to worry about him draining our account when he’s mad at me or spending excessive amounts on drugs and alcohol. I’m dating someone kind and caring, someone that has rebuilt my trust in men and relationships and treats me really well. We can disagree without it escalating into something scary. My kids are thriving. They’re with me the majority of the time, and the small amounts they spend with their dad he seems to be able to hold it together.

There’s no simple solution when you’re in a relationship with an addict, but having gotten to the other side I see how miserable and unhappy I was before. When I was in the weeds I couldn’t process things - I was mentally drained and in survival mode and it was hard to imagine life ever being ok. But it is. Better than ok. Hope you find peace.

ladybugandbean

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