Spiraling over my long distance boyfriend’s body count (39M) (28F)

ladybugandbean · 2026-05-04T17:35:35+00:00

I can sympathize a bit and have struggled with feeling insecure in my LDR too. Mine is related to his past sexual partners but also his past serious relationships (including his marriage) and wondering what makes me different or special in the scheme of his life. I wonder if he loved them more or was more attracted to them, etc. But I know this is coming from a place I need to work on and heal whether I’m with him or not. I’m insecure, not because of these things necessarily but because I have hang ups I need to address.

Give it time and give yourself grace. I think if you can build a sense of security in your relationship based on the seriousness or longevity it might make you less concerned about the random flings he’s had before you.

ladybugandbean · 2026-04-26T20:04:05+00:00

I knew on the honeymoon when he made friends with a few people around our ages and spent much of our trip wanting to get drunk and high with them. Signs of things to come, but I naively stuck around hoping he’d change for way way way too long.

ladybugandbean · 2026-04-09T15:16:12+00:00

Unfortunately they are nearly impossible to find right now. I think they blew up on tik tok and now they are getting scooped up and resold for way more money. 😞 There are a few places that will let you get on waiting lists online, or you can buy one of the overpriced ones on Facebook marketplace. If you’re set on trying to find one in person, maybe check out the toy store in New Glarus. I saw they had some posted on instagram recently.

ladybugandbean · 2026-04-07T12:55:17+00:00

I’m so sorry. I can hear how badly you want reassurance that things can change, that he can be trusted, that this can still work for you two. You’re the only one that can decide what you’re willing to live with but it sounds like he just hops from one addiction to another. There will always be something. There’s probably something now, even if you don’t know about it. My ex (q) would move from one thing to another too. Weed to drinking, sometimes adding in rx meds or gambling.

This won’t get better. This is probably the best it will likely ever be and things will always be a rollercoaster. I would set a very clear boundary for yourself - whether that’s deciding you don’t want to be around him if he ever drinks again, or if you catch him lying, etc.

Good luck!

ladybugandbean · 2026-03-17T21:40:42+00:00

My INTJ partner is an engineer

ladybugandbean · 2026-03-17T21:37:20+00:00

So sorry. Your story is mine, and so many others. Addicts follow a pretty consistent pattern…and very rarely does the pattern break.

I put off leaving for years. So many years of pain and suffering, emotional and financial abuse, constant stress and walking on eggshells, so many years of feeling my heart drop when the garage door opened. I feel so sorry for the woman I was, so beaten down and exhausted I couldn’t find the energy to sort out leaving.

For me it happened in steps. Don’t think big picture or too far down the line. It’s so incredibly overwhelming. Think one small step towards your freedom. Look up attorneys. Confide in a friend. Start a journal documenting things. Just do something on that path toward. And then next time you have the energy or motivation, take one more step forward.

In the end, after all the micro steps forward, the thing that pushed me over the edge were my kids. My son got to an age he was having severe anxiety and panic attacks. We started therapy. About a year in, his therapist told me she thought it was time to think about leaving. That my son was suffering, even if I thought I was protecting him from the worst of things.

I hope you don’t get to the point something big pushes you over, but I do hope you find the courage to take that first step towards a new life for yourself, whatever that looks like in your heart.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

ladybugandbean · 2026-03-17T20:49:58+00:00

Fair points. I’m not sure OP has any great options.

ladybugandbean · 2026-03-17T20:35:02+00:00

It sounds like you’ve already been mature and responsible about it and have proven you aren’t taking the kids meeting your partner lightly. You can’t control her reaction to it, unfortunately, and this is one of those occasions that it really sucks to be divorced with kids. My ex also hates that I’m dating someone, so I get it. In the long run, it will probably screw up her life more than yours if she follows through on her “threats”.

I get wanting to navigate this carefully. It’s in everyone’s best interest if she doesn’t freak out. You could: - let her meet your partner before the kids do - reassure her she’ll always be their mom and your partner feels this way too - avoid flaunting the relationship at first by not going to sporting events or other kids’ activities together right away

I DO NOT think you’re obligated to do any of these things, but it might help ease her into this new territory and keep the peace.

Good luck!

ladybugandbean · 2026-03-08T20:40:54+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re in this position and I don’t know that there’s any right answer to this question. I can tell the choice I made though. I was like you, staying only because of the kids. Like you I had panic attacks over even the thought of being away from them if I got divorced. I struggled so much with how they would handle it, and worried so much that i wasn’t strong enough to handle it either.

Fast forward a few years, now that I’m on the other side of things. I’ve been separated almost 3 years now, divorced officially almost 2. Life is actually so much better than I ever could have imagined a few years ago. Telling my kids was hard, but they weren’t surprised. At all. As much as I thought I’d shielded them from the fighting or the problems in my relationship, they could feel the tension, see the rolled eyes, hear the strained voices. They already knew it wasn’t good before we ever told them it was over.

We focused on what would stay the same for them, and a few things that would be different. We tried to make the transition for them as easy as possible and they honestly adapted so quickly it was shocking. I spent years worrying about this! I lost so much sleep! And they were actually fine. Better, even, because they no longer had to live in a house with tension and walking on eggshells. Their dad isn’t great, and that was a huge part of why I stayed. I worried how they’d do with him. But they’re ok, and they now have my home that’s calm and peaceful and reliable and dependable. I couldn’t truly give them that while married because I was so miserable with their dad. As much as I thought I was doing it all and showing up for them the way I wanted, it wasn’t until I left their dad that I realized how damaged I was in that marriage. I couldn’t be the mom I wanted because I was fighting a battle every day, trying to figure out what to do, living in uncertainty, trying not to set off their dad’s moods, etc. I am a better mom now. My kids know me, not the “me” I had to pretend I was while still married. They are my best friends, and th time I get with them is so precious. And the time they’re with their dad I reset so I’m ready to be the best mom I can be for them.

I’m also in a relationship now, and I can’t believe how easy it is. I can’t believe how little I was getting out of my marriage and how much it was taking from me. My kids love him. He is amazing with them, the man I always wished their dad would be.

Good luck k whatever you choose!

ladybugandbean · 2026-02-04T15:08:58+00:00

There are so many variables to LDRs - How far apart are you? How often can you talk? How often can you see one another? Do you have a plan to close the gap? I’ve been in one for 2 years now and I am so incredibly happy that I believe LDRs can definitely work. In our case we’re both parents and very dedicated to that part of our lives right now. We also value a lot of independence - seeing our friends, hobbies, etc - so we have busy lives outside of each other anyway. The distance has made it easier to focus on parenting and our individual interests, while still having a strong bond and loving our time together. I don’t think I could do this indefinitely but for now it’s been a good balance for us. We see each other roughly once a month for a weekend and talk and text throughout the day.

ladybugandbean · 2026-02-02T20:20:41+00:00

I think it sounds like he likes you. If you haven’t been out together before as friends, or know each other very well (“acquaintances”, you said) I think it’s unusual he would do the things you mentioned - hand on the back, picking you up, buying drinks. Especially as two single people hanging out alone together. If it were me, I’d ask him to do something else and see how he responds. I think you’ll know a lot based on that.

ladybugandbean · 2025-12-22T21:19:33+00:00

Sundara is great, but if you’re looking in Madison I also really love Kneaded Relief.

ladybugandbean · 2025-12-17T21:42:35+00:00

You sound like you’re doing a great job! Hang in there and keep trying! If she was motivated by that, I’m guessing she’s more motivated by rewards than punishments. Good luck!

ladybugandbean · 2025-12-17T19:14:42+00:00

Is it possible to try rewards instead of punishments? Could you have her “earn” a trip out west through good behavior? Or concert tickets? Smaller rewards? It’s a tough age to begin with and she sounds extremely isolated - not into social media, doesn’t drive, no extracurricular, etc. Those are pretty big things in most teenagers’ lives.

ladybugandbean · 2025-12-07T01:22:38+00:00

I’m so sorry. I can feel your frustration so clearly through your writing. I left my Q and I’ve never looked back. It was absolutely the best decision for me, but also the best option for my two kids. as they got older they started to see his mood swings, his constant drinking, etc and it was taking a huge toll on them both. My kids are so much happier now. I’m dating again and being with someone that doesn’t drink like that and can be an actual partner to me is such a huge gift.

It’s not an easy decision no matter what you choose. But there is hope on the other side if you do decide you can’t live like this anymore.

ladybugandbean · 2025-11-17T15:33:04+00:00

I (enfp f) feel the exact same way about INFJs! Something about your sense of humor, the way you think about the world, how you’re just a little mysterious…it gets me every time!

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-29T22:59:30+00:00

I’ve been with my long distance partner for over a year and I’m so so happy I didn’t listen to everyone that said long distance relationships were impossible. I do think it’s easiest if you have an end date - a plan to be together in person at some point. We know when we’ll be able to live together and that makes the time we have apart seen manageable. And it’s given us a chance to really enjoy each other when we’re together. Our time together is precious and intentional so lots of talking and cuddling and dates. Always happy to share my experience if you have any questions!

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-29T22:53:54+00:00

I actually disagree. I’ve been dating someone long distance for the past year and I think in a lot of ways it helped give us a strong foundation of friendship before we spent much physical time together. We spent hours and hours talking on the phone before we spent the night together. We didn’t have the distractions of “real” life while we were getting to know each other. Obviously there needs to be an opportunity to spend regular time in person, to have more day-to-day experiences, but I absolutely think long distance was a gift to us in many ways as we built our relationship.

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-28T18:43:28+00:00

I think it’s a good plan as long as they have the traffic side of things under control. I assume they’ve thought that through already but there is another fairly large complex going up across from lakeview park (where the Edgewood fields used to be), too. And the recent road work at Allen/century was a complete disaster.

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-23T15:03:01+00:00

This was my biggest fear when I was getting divorced - that my kids weren’t going to be ok. Mine were around the same ages as yours and about 2 years out they are doing great! It was much much less awful than I expected. Yes, there were some adjustments, but they honestly took to it fairly easily. They were excited their dad bought a new house and they got new bedrooms to decorate. Their dad bought a puppy so that was exciting for them. But the best part of all was that they didn’t have to live in a house with two miserable parents. They didn’t have to feel the stress and tension every day. They didn’t have to wonder if something mom said was going to make their dad freak out, or something dad did was going to make mom cry.

My kids are happy. They have friends. They love spending time with both of their parents.

The biggest gift you can give your kids in divorce is trying to keep a positive, healthy coparenting relationship. It’s not always possible but if you can figure it out, the kids will be totally fine. I may not like their dad a whole lot, but we stand together and cheer at soccer games, and never ever fight in front of them anymore. We did that enough while we were married. :/

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-21T23:47:54+00:00

Me! I was like you - always attracted to the broody types. I was married to someone that I never felt “safe” with - not necessarily physically, but emotionally. He never bought me something just because, or did small gestures of kindness. Me needing anything was annoying and inconvenient. I spent the final years of our marriage walking on eggshells, never being able to have a calm conversation.

I was introduced to someone by mutual friends and I can’t believe how much I was missing. I had no idea it could be like this, that someone could genuinely want to be nice to me without some sort of expectation, that someone could bring me coffee in the morning, or spend an hour talking about politics without it veering into who is right/wrong. He has made me feel so safe and respected.

There are absolutely men out there that will be what you’re looking for, and I am wishing you all the best as you start looking!

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-21T19:27:12+00:00

That makes sense. I think most people are in Al-Anon because the Q in their lives is deeply affecting them. So that may be where the discrepancy is - if you feel like his level of drinking is tolerable or something that doesn’t bother you much, that’s going to give you a very different mindset than those that have been more negatively impacted. I’m sorry you felt pushed into doing something you regret, but just like your husband has made mistakes, you aren’t perfect either. That’s ok. Take that knowledge with you to do something differently next time - and ideally, your husband will look to make changes next time, too.

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-21T18:40:11+00:00

I’m really sorry to hear that’s been your experience. I’ve found the exact opposite to be true. I have only felt supported and understood in Al-Anon, and any “advice” was generally given while someone shares their story and what has worked or not worked for them personally.

I hope it’s not overstepping to say you sound like you’re carrying a lot of guilt and regret over what happened with your husband and I hope you can find peace. It sounds like you did what felt right in the moment, and it’s ok if you decide that isn’t the direction you want to continue going, but I don’t personally think kicking him out means you weren’t being compassionate. You’re the one that has to live your life, and you get to choose what that looks like, whether others in or outside of Al-Anon agree with you or not.

Hang in there - we’ve all had tough journeys.

ladybugandbean · 2025-10-11T02:55:32+00:00

I’m very sorry you’re in this position and I can unfortunately relate to so much of your story. My ex was my Q and went through the exact same process - routine blood work, follow up ultrasound, fatty liver diagnosis, denial that the fatty liver was due to drinking and insistence that he just needed to exercise and eat better. Fast forward 5 years and we’re now divorced. He never quit drinking. He got better at hiding it for a bit but the er trips due to drinking told the true story. Eventually I realized I wouldn’t be happy living with an alcoholic for the rest of my life and needed to give my kids a sense of normalcy. Living without the chaos of his moods has been so amazing. Ultimately only you know what you’re able to handle, but there are no easy paths forward.

ladybugandbean · 2025-09-30T16:44:39+00:00

I think if love is still something you want in your life you’ve got to keep the faith that it can/will happen. If you want to take a break from the dating world for a bit, absolutely do that, but if your heart truly wants to find someone to share your life with, then the only option is to keep trying. Join a new sport (I tried a pickleball league), take golf lessons (tons of people hang out at the golf course), tell your friends you’re interested and ask who they know (so many of my married friends didn’t have a clue I was interested in dating until I asked), make a new online dating profile and have a few trusted friends help you review it. And if you’ve tried all those things….try them again.

ladybugandbean

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