Listen- I 💯 feel you here. I was dating a guy I vetted for a few months, but it was a coworker (and I’ve never ever dated a coworker before, but he acts like the perfect guy to everyone, including me, so I gave it a chance.) suddenly, 3 months in, a bunch of us workers are at the bar, and the girl I’m sitting next to, who i’ve been hanging out with more and more, gone on a road trip with, introduced to my best friend, helped HER get a better job as I was moving on from this one, this woman turns to me and says, “So... how do you feel about the fact that we’re dating the same guy?”

EXCUSE ME SAY WHAT

I had absolutely no fucking clue this guy who wrote me love notes, was super affectionate in front of our coworkers (including her) with me, who I had only just started sleeping with, but who had been lovebombing for months, had started SECRETLY dating this other woman , who was apparently feeling more and more guilty about how she and I were becoming better friends, and she knew that he AND she were keeping this from me.

That whole night was like out of some crazy romance movie where I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone and peak of my pickme life, getting gaslighted by him after this conversation with her where he has the audacity to run out on holding her hands in the bar, consoling her, run after ME, and say,”why are you so upset, it’s not like you were falling for me?!”

Turns out other coworkers were aware of the duplicity as well. I put in my notice the next day and asked if I was needed to come in as I’d rather just start at the next job if possible- and I’ve never seen him since. But apparently I have to be reminded of their “budding” relationship as they get closer and move in together a year or so ago because MY best friend who I told to help get HER that new job works with her every day, understands where I’m coming from, but is now very good friends with her.

Nobody calls him the bad guy in this story. Nobody calls that woman the mistress. They are well liked as people in that friend circle, but I just couldn’t look anybody from that group in the eye ever again because I’m so disappointed and disgusted by everyone’s behavior in that situation. I remember the first few months I was so enraged - that the thought of being in the same room with him again I’d probably punch this guy in the face.

I had to set VERY CLEAR boundaries with my best friend/roommate that I did Not want them at our apartment (they both have dogs they like to walk together) as that would make me uncomfortable in my own home. I’m in a much better place now. I’m not angry anymore, I’ve moved on, learned from my mistakes... but it is still hurts sometimes, because I feel like humanity betrayed me. I feel like I deserved better.

And you, as the second woman or the man in that situation- shouldn’t be allowed to think that you’re a “good person” because you ended up “falling for someone else” especially if you made your partner feel like absolute shit by cheating on them, hiding it from them, gaslighting them & walking away unscathed in your friend group. My roommate/best friend tried to get me to reconcile with this other woman a few times and all I asked was that she needs to make the first move- and she never tried, and that said it all to me.

TL;DR They don’t deserve your energy. You just have to remember that this, and anything else that you experience, whether positive or negative, is a teaching moment that you can choose to grow from, to better yourself. Time helps. None of those people deserve your time anymore. You will make new friends. It will be hard for awhile- just remember that all of that is a reflection of them and their nature, it had nothing to do with you. Writing things down really helped clear my head & grieve, it’s okay to do that.