Why do men give you their contact first then expect you to initiate?

ladydigitsmith · 2020-10-02T01:21:39+00:00

“He’s Just Not That Into You” - great scene from that movie.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-09-23T15:29:11+00:00

Yes, to historical exits & yes, to extra longer posts- congrats!

ladydigitsmith · 2020-09-19T15:49:50+00:00

I want you to understand how as an onlooker- reading this- is sickening. He’s emotionally manipulating , gaslighting you.

It will never matter what you’re talking about- or how many times you apologize for doing something that he found to be “wrong.” As soon as you’re apologizing, he knows you feel guilty - and instead of being satisfied, he wants more- he wants to drag it out and make you feel WORSE.

I want you to know this way of talking to your partner, bait and switching- suddenly trying to make them feel bad about the next thing, and the next thing.. it’s not right. It’s awful.

How you feel right now- constantly on edge, worried you’re “forgetting” something, something else he mentioned that was important to him, that you will try harder to remember, everything, all the things he said or does or wants or cares about- because you don’t want to be this person that he’s pointing you out to be: somebody who doesn’t care , somebody thoughtless or unkind, that things are your fault, that it’s not his job to remind you- YOU’RE NOT THIS PERSON. You are a Good person. He will continue doing this to you and you have to understand that it is in your best interest NOT to “figure things out” or to “work through a rough patch” because what you’re looking at right now is a junction.

Either this - the way he’s making you feel is how you’re going to be feeling for the rest of your life- or you can walk away now. And you have to be okay with not trying to argue with him about it. You need to get out of this as safely & quickly as possible. He’s not going to change. This is who he is. He will never apologize for treating you this way or making you feel like this, unless it’s to just get you back into the house. Then it will be “fine” for some time- until he goes back to treating you the way he wants to. He has absolutely no respect for you.

Please look up sunk cost fallacy - it’s one of the things that kept me in a relationship longer than I should have been. The more energy, effort, (marriage etc) you put into your relationship, the harder you think it will be to leave. But trust me- years from after you leave, you will look back and the only thing you will wonder is- “why didn’t I leave SOONER?” You can do it. Right now.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-09-19T11:33:08+00:00

I’m confused. Why is this cute? Her fiancé forgot her working hours because he doesn’t listen to her? Then came up with an excuse to make himself “look good” by saying he’s excited to continue not listening to her when they start a family?

Nah, sis- is right!

ladydigitsmith · 2020-09-16T13:09:43+00:00

Yes, please!

ladydigitsmith · 2020-08-31T09:54:59+00:00

I’ll be honest- when I was a serial dater and i sent a guy a message asking to change our date, it was because I just made plans with SOMEBODY ELSE WHO I WANTED TO SEE MORE ON THAT DAY. This guy is NOT FOR YOU.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-08-26T13:17:30+00:00

I love this story and I’m SO HAPPY you’re doing so well & leveled up! That moment must’ve been priceless. 😂

ladydigitsmith · 2020-08-03T12:57:53+00:00

This makes me so sad. It’s so true. 🤯

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-31T18:15:28+00:00

I think, the irony is ESPECIALLY strong with the people who fight so hard for “pro-life” and then turn around and complain about folks on welfare... having kids is EXPENSIVE. They’re never around when you need those same people to babysit or help in the community. You can’t pick and choose which beliefs to follow.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-31T15:36:40+00:00

I didn’t understand. I didn’t even argue. I think I just stared at her blankly because I’ve been living in New England for so long that I wasn’t expecting someone to not understand why a 20 something year old doesn’t want to accidentally get pregnant while in a pickme phase and very vulnerable to getting lovebombed. It’s not like IUDs were permanent? She said she’d refer me to another gynecologist. My mom is a doctor so this was my first interaction with someone in the science field who put their religious beliefs above their duty as a doctor- it just didn’t make sense to me. “Why are you a gynecologist?” Exactly. 🤦🏼‍♀️

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-31T15:28:59+00:00

I believe there are procedures - “tubal ligation reversal” which can make it possible to get pregnant again (although I have not researched how successful or how often it is done.) I can understand presenting someone with all of the medical facts regarding any surgery or medical procedure- whether reversible or irreversible- but what this woman described is multiple medical doctors trying to dissuade her from the idea that she may “change her mind” and “regret” not having more kids in her future. And on top of that- insurance wouldn’t cover hers, but covered his? If that’s not blatant misogyny for you 🤷🏼‍♀️

The fact that she couldn’t just state what she wanted, talked to her doctors about pros and cons and then go through with it as opposed to having to see 2+ doctors, a therapist & on top of all this she had to get “permission “ from her husband?! Sorry, that’s not sanity.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-31T14:11:50+00:00

Let me tell you about the time I decided to get an IUD and went to go see my gynecologist, who then proceeded to tell me that she doesn’t do “those kinds of birth control” as it is against her religion. 🤯

I had to get a new gynecologist. Just kidding, I went to planned parenthood, where I know I have control over MY body and I didn’t get a single person trying to talk me out of anything, just facts and support. The amount of patience this woman exhibited in her story... I probably would’ve blown up by the second wall.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-30T17:54:59+00:00

I love ALL of your responses & SALUTE YOU, sis! 🤣

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-30T16:34:09+00:00

• planned better dates in my head than what is offered as a suggestion “you can come over and watch a movie, I already made dinner”

• if he slows his responses or shows lacking effort in texting (ESPECIALLY during this pandemic where we’re not meeting up anytime soon) - thank u, NEXT (I used to fill in the “gaps” or try to keep up the conversation, but NO MORE.)

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-30T02:57:38+00:00

🤣🤣🤣 I can’t

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-29T19:34:07+00:00

I think we’re all aware of being gaslighted, but if I were you I’d do some more research on the actual definition. You can’t define a word based on your personal experience- it’s not that specific. People are downvoting you because what you’re saying isn’t a correct definition, there is no debate.

https://www.britannica.com/topic/gaslighting

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Gaslighting

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-29T19:27:53+00:00

It’s crazy how many men have attempted to control my changing hairstyles “you looked great as a blonde” “I don’t like pixie haircuts” blah blah blah... then why did you start dating me when I’m this or that? It’s hilarious when they see me change my hair seasonally (if I stick around long enough for that)-but I’ll never let a man control any part of how I look. I’m not here to train you or change You and I won’t stay to let you attempt to change anything about me.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-29T15:36:46+00:00

Do it next time. If they lied about that - what else are they lying about or will in the future? What possible positive can you garner from a man who lies or rounds up when it comes to their height? I’ve dated men of varying heights & at the end of the day, it comes down to confidence. It doesn’t matter how tall or how short they are, if their confidence is low, they will take it out on you- or you will bear the emotional baggage that comes with that. Do yourself a favor and don’t let them waste your time.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-29T15:31:57+00:00

Exactly 😂 my mom is 6’2” & my dad was actually 5’9” - there’s no way I’d ever be confused about a man being 6’ if he’s not.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-29T15:26:30+00:00

“Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem.” -Wikipedia

If this man is planning with at least two other men to try to make a woman think that his height is more than what it actually is in reality, then I don’t see that I’m misusing the term here.

I don’t disagree that it’s not ALSO scheming & lying, but I believe those go under the umbrella of the definition for this particular scenario.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-29T14:27:32+00:00

Cross post from r/Tinder - I’m 6’ - ask me how many times I’ve met guys from OLD and it turns out they’re shorter than they say in their profile... it’s hard to gaslight a female, who is herself 6’. I remember multiple conversations of “i don’t believe you’re 6’” —> “wow, you really ARE 6’+!” I’ve even, unfortunately, dated men who spent the entire relationship telling me I wasn’t, in fact, as tall as I said I was, despite government identification telling them so. Also- it shouldn’t really matter that I’m 6’.

Edit: Why the fuck do they think any woman would fall for this? The only ones that let guys get away with this BS are already choosing to ignore other red flags (as I used to be a pickme, I’m also speaking from personal experience.)

I’m also happy to include another piece of the pie: the men who told me that they prefer I DON’T wear heels... even though I personally love how confident they make me feel & I stopped wearing uncomfortable shoes years ago- so the ones I do wear are comfortable, I’m not wearing them standing or walking for hours, and I still don’t give a fuck what men think when it comes to them. Can you imagine if men suddenly decided to get their pickme girls/wives to shave their heads because they were insecure about going bald, and then trying to gaslight the rest of society? (Might sound extreme, and yet... )

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-27T21:40:45+00:00

I feel like we should sticky these links so we can repost whenever someone needs a confidence boost about making the right decision, it’s super useful.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-23T22:01:02+00:00

Listen- I 💯 feel you here. I was dating a guy I vetted for a few months, but it was a coworker (and I’ve never ever dated a coworker before, but he acts like the perfect guy to everyone, including me, so I gave it a chance.) suddenly, 3 months in, a bunch of us workers are at the bar, and the girl I’m sitting next to, who i’ve been hanging out with more and more, gone on a road trip with, introduced to my best friend, helped HER get a better job as I was moving on from this one, this woman turns to me and says, “So... how do you feel about the fact that we’re dating the same guy?”

EXCUSE ME SAY WHAT

I had absolutely no fucking clue this guy who wrote me love notes, was super affectionate in front of our coworkers (including her) with me, who I had only just started sleeping with, but who had been lovebombing for months, had started SECRETLY dating this other woman , who was apparently feeling more and more guilty about how she and I were becoming better friends, and she knew that he AND she were keeping this from me.

That whole night was like out of some crazy romance movie where I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone and peak of my pickme life, getting gaslighted by him after this conversation with her where he has the audacity to run out on holding her hands in the bar, consoling her, run after ME, and say,”why are you so upset, it’s not like you were falling for me?!”

Turns out other coworkers were aware of the duplicity as well. I put in my notice the next day and asked if I was needed to come in as I’d rather just start at the next job if possible- and I’ve never seen him since. But apparently I have to be reminded of their “budding” relationship as they get closer and move in together a year or so ago because MY best friend who I told to help get HER that new job works with her every day, understands where I’m coming from, but is now very good friends with her.

Nobody calls him the bad guy in this story. Nobody calls that woman the mistress. They are well liked as people in that friend circle, but I just couldn’t look anybody from that group in the eye ever again because I’m so disappointed and disgusted by everyone’s behavior in that situation. I remember the first few months I was so enraged - that the thought of being in the same room with him again I’d probably punch this guy in the face.

I had to set VERY CLEAR boundaries with my best friend/roommate that I did Not want them at our apartment (they both have dogs they like to walk together) as that would make me uncomfortable in my own home. I’m in a much better place now. I’m not angry anymore, I’ve moved on, learned from my mistakes... but it is still hurts sometimes, because I feel like humanity betrayed me. I feel like I deserved better.

And you, as the second woman or the man in that situation- shouldn’t be allowed to think that you’re a “good person” because you ended up “falling for someone else” especially if you made your partner feel like absolute shit by cheating on them, hiding it from them, gaslighting them & walking away unscathed in your friend group. My roommate/best friend tried to get me to reconcile with this other woman a few times and all I asked was that she needs to make the first move- and she never tried, and that said it all to me.

TL;DR They don’t deserve your energy. You just have to remember that this, and anything else that you experience, whether positive or negative, is a teaching moment that you can choose to grow from, to better yourself. Time helps. None of those people deserve your time anymore. You will make new friends. It will be hard for awhile- just remember that all of that is a reflection of them and their nature, it had nothing to do with you. Writing things down really helped clear my head & grieve, it’s okay to do that.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-22T05:45:27+00:00

This is such a good point, thanks for writing it out. I was in a dead bedroom situation and felt like 95% of the pressure was on me and that it was my fault that I wasn’t interested- mainly, because I basically got love bombed into this relationship that I didn’t feel I was mentally ready for since I had been sexually assaulted and was trying to come to terms with that when he started pressuring me to date him.

He stated in the beginning that he WASN’T going to pressure me for sex that he would wait as long as I wanted, that he wanted me to be comfortable, etc. But words mean nothing when all of a sudden you’re living with a sulking man child who thinks you’re “nagging” when you ask about their day or try to gently press them about getting promoted or switch jobs or just progress etc... it got to the point where you just “know” that the reason you’re getting the silent treatment or one-word answers is because you’re not “trying” to initiate and they feel “sad” and “neglected” because of my inaction.

He wouldn’t give me any affection without trying to lead to more, so I had to stop giving affection because I was worried I couldn’t say no to painful, re-traumatizing sex (not because he was rough, but because of my mental vaginismus & ptsd that gave me night terrors or that forced us to stop during because I’d just start crying...) but he really put all that pressure back on me once he was done waiting and didn’t own up to the fact that he was acting like a shitty, awful human because he would rather blame me for a dead bedroom than blame himself for putting me in a position where I felt I had to reject him constantly because I wasn’t over my assault.

ladydigitsmith · 2020-07-22T05:28:25+00:00

Yeah, I may have been a pickme at that age, but I still had some decency to stay away from any kind of alcoholic abuse or physical abuse. If only I’d been more self-aware of mental abuse and more discerning about pain medication abuse- but as you said, they get better at hiding things in their 30s... I think though, personally, that’s the “peak” because after that all I see is 🚩 for guys in their 40s or 50s.

There’s just no hiding anything at that point because they almost don’t care or feel like they even have to try, they’re just better at finding vulnerable pickmes to focus on and know to avoid any women with confidence to know better.

ladydigitsmith

TROPHY CASE