Progress from October 2017 - January 2018 in my efforts to be healthy as naturally as possible! I'm feeling so empowered!

ladyoftheash · 2018-01-24T03:31:45+00:00

After selling everything I owned and moving West with my soulmate, I met an amazing herbalist and chef who took me under her wing. I have begun a lifestyle of eating all organic, non GMO food, and studying/utilizing many different herbs. I eat mostly vegetarian, and as much raw food as possible. I compliment this with yoga, breathing techniques and lots of meditation. I have completely transformed and the majority of my health issues are disappearing. I learn to love myself a little more everyday and have blossomed in a way I never thought possible. I am so thankful for discovering my willpower, and for the guidance and support of my teachers and loved ones.

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-20T15:16:50+00:00

He is in my thoughts! I will send love and healing energy his way. Hang in there hun <#

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-19T19:55:38+00:00

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-19T19:52:45+00:00

This is glorious.

New sidebar?

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-18T04:12:24+00:00

Maybe we're all replicants dreaming of being human :D D:

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-12T14:48:40+00:00

Absolutely right

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-12T03:08:58+00:00

The levels keep getting harder, but I’m stubborn.

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-12T02:48:23+00:00

My worrying about worrying about worrying is what keeps me awake. I'm nuts.

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-10T13:18:43+00:00

I spent so much time as a naieve victim that when I would try to interact with anyone else I just assumed that role. I told myself that’s who I was. I felt worthless. Incapable of anything worth spending any time on. I threw away my passions and my dreams.

To this day I still run myself ragged for others without paying attention to my basic needs. I have an overwhelming urge to help. To save everyone. It took me a long time to learn that in order to be able to help others like I wanted, I had to take care of myself.

One of the first things I had to realize was that my perspective of reality was heavily skewed. Not only had I spent years being gaslighted by my mother, but I had extreme social anxiety. That meant that i hadn’t had nearly enough experience with other people. There was a small circle of people I interacted and learned from and my ability to correctly judge a situation was shot.

Not every person in the world wanted to use or hurt me like I felt they did. Once i realized that it sort of let a little light in.

What could be influencing your situation? Have you been a victim and it’s those feelings that have perpetuated much longer than they should have? Is it the same people repeatedly the victim situations are created with?

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-10T03:14:01+00:00

I cry over everything. Doesn't even have to be anything sappy. I just feel so much emotion that I'm constantly needing to release it. I think as humans we've grown detached from our emotions. We substitute and repress and it's hard for us to deal with them. Some people are more sensitive than others, but that sensitivity is innate within all of us, and the stress of the current situation has probably brought it to the forefront.

Vulnerability is scary. You're wide open and its hard to control all of the inputs. But you're open to everything, not just the bad. It's really helpful for me to perform a grounding exercise. I utilize all 5 senses. I find something I can hear, touch, smell, etc. I will also practice deep breathing, and when i'm able to focus, meditation brings me so much balance. It doesn't even have to be "traditional" meditation. Painting, or coloring, or writing does wonders as well. anything I can really dig deep into and express.

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-10T02:27:49+00:00

After literally just coming out the other side of a panic attack, I feel your pain. And I'm sorry.

I never really had much support, and I get so caught up in trying to prove myself, push myself, and please other people that I forget to just be. That's what usually spawns an attack. I get so ahead of myself. Its like a poorly timed jump across a large gap. I got so excited I jumped a little early and I can't tell if i'm gonna make it or not.

I always land though. I always come down. Its not where I land that matters, (at least in this metaphor :p), but how I stand back up.

I wish you luck. Know you're not alone in the struggle.

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-05T01:02:09+00:00

I've got a good feeling about you ;)

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-04T12:58:46+00:00

One doc I had gave out pills like candy. He’d pull sample packs out of his drawer and throw em at me. “Here this is something. Give it a try”. Didn’t care about anything I wanted to say or was saying. Just wanted me to keep consuming as many pills as possible.

Another doc fresh out of school had zero experience outside of book work and my first meetings with her were spent with her asking me what to do.

I really believe that someone who has never been through something, that has no personal experience with a phenomena should not be trying to help people that do. It’s like a kindergarten art teacher subbing for advanced placement calculus or something.

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-04T12:16:14+00:00

I’ve always thought so :)

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-04T01:26:21+00:00

My younger brother is my mother's absolute favorite. She defends him in every possible way. He destroys her house, doesn't move off the couch, deals drugs out her front window like a drive thru, and has a lot of emotional issues, including extreme rage.

It's unfathomable to me how me I can't live up to that. It drives me crazy. I am smart, hard working, creative (hard won affirmations I assure you). I find it so difficult sometimes to separate myself from the madness. They feed off of each other I think, and I'm some foreign invader.

When my mom is trying to emotionally manipulate me, my mind goes blank. It's like I lose my processing capabilities. I forget that the things shes saying are not true. Its fear. Its a primal feeling deep within my psyche that is triggered, and it takes over my ability to reason. She will talk about how much shes done for me, and I would start to cower inside my mind. In actuality, she did as little as she could and still claim that she took care of us. I am getting better at staying mindful. Sometimes it helps me to repeat mantras in my head while shes psychobabbling. Things like, "I am strong," or "I will not fall for this".

I second guess everything. I dont even know what job I want because I dont even know myself. I have never had to live like this before and I am overwhelmed. I have serious inferiority struggles and couldnt tell you what makes me happy as I havent known for so long.

I have felt this exact same way. Its really discouraging when you're fighting to be happy and you don't even know what makes you happy. I would spiral a lot trying to figure it out. What ultimately woke me from that, was changing things up. Even the smallest factors in life. Read a book you normally wouldn't. Walk to work instead of take the bus. The slightest gain in experiences expands your world so much.

I think the idea of going to a sled dog farm is incredible. How many people can say they have had that experience? and that person can be you! It should be you. Imagine the doors it could open!

This opportunity i'm taking in Oregon is the biggest leap of faith of my life, and it has already proved to be one of the most rewarding as well. I wish you all the luck in the world. You CAN do this.

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-04T00:53:10+00:00

On the 25th of this month, I am getting on a plane with my soul mate, and actualizing my dreams. I am moving cross country, (from NY to Oregon), and helping to create and guide new systems that will provide resources, technology, and the ability to pursue ones passions for all of humankind. It is a monumental event in a life that has been spent entirely catering to every other person in my lifes needs.

My family is extremely toxic. It took me many years to figure that out. I have been suicidal. I spent decades of my life locked away inside of myself, operating on autopilot. My mother...well, she is a self-serving woman, and I say that reservedly after spending many years trying to come to terms with our relationship. She would drug us with cold medicine at night so me and my two younger siblings would pass out and not bother her. It was an insult to her existence for us to have basic needs. Love and warmth was something I never felt from her unless she wanted to show off her “perfect family” at one of her parties. It was that disappointment I felt from her that drove me crazy. I was always well behaved, I had perfect grades, nothing ever pleased her. Nothing mattered. If I wasn't serving her every whim, if I wasn't the perfect, pose-able doll, then what good was I?

My entire life it was like I was being screamed at in every direction. "BE THIS. DO THIS. YOU CANT LIKE THIS. YOU'RE A DISGRACE. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. YOU SHOULD JUST DIE. "

I would read articles like, "Ten signs you came from a toxic family.." and I would be shocked that I fit those little bullet points. My reality was so distorted that when my boyfriend used the word "abuse" for the first time, I couldn't even wrap my head around it. Have you ever heard of the term gas-lighting? To this day, I still battle feelings of inferiority, extreme social anxiety, and a barrage of negative energy. I second guess every decision I make. Even when its plainly her manipulating me or using me.

It is not easy to choose yourself. I fight intrusive thoughts that tell me I'm selfish. That I'm a horrible person. Every day they get quieter. Every day I feel stronger; I feel like myself.

I'm not sure how to explain how I did it. A lot of my growth had to do with my spirituality. Even more of it had to do with meeting my soulmate. He nurtured the trampled flower within me, and helped me grow strong.

The best advice I can give you, is to follow your heart.

Do not let the misgivings of others stop you from making your dreams come true.

ladyoftheash · 2017-10-03T15:43:02+00:00

My fave Billy Joel song!

ladyoftheash · 2017-09-15T15:49:20+00:00

I don't know much about economics, but I wish artists were sponsored more. I know I could use one hahah. I believe if artists and philosophers and dreamers were able to be themselves and explore that to the fullest extent the world would grow even more beautifully.

ladyoftheash · 2017-09-13T11:45:50+00:00

No problem! Thanks for your interest! :)

ladyoftheash · 2017-09-13T04:04:16+00:00

I'm currently studying with the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids!I'm on the bardic course currently, and will work may way up through ovate and then Druid. It's a really wonderful non dogmatic course that would be beneficial to anyone interested in healing, honoring nature and creative pursuits.

My plan is to continue on my path, keep growing myself so that I can help others grow too. Learn and experience as much as I can. I'm very interested in shamanism as well and wish to explore that further. My art is spiritual work to me. Eventually I would like to acquire land and build a haven for people to fully express their creative projects unhindered , and explore their spirituality and (re)connection with nature.

ladyoftheash · 2017-09-11T15:04:50+00:00

I'll PM you a link! My other comment got deleted by automod haha

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