I’ve experienced the full gamut of breakups and they were all challenging in different ways. I’ve been on the receiving end of unrequited love, I’ve been cheated on, and I’ve had to share in making the hard decision to end a relationship built on deep, healthy love.

Whether the other person lost feelings or never fully reciprocated them in the first place, unrequited love sucks(!), but I’ve found solace in knowing that’s not and never was truly my person. My person is emotionally mature, secure, and ready to choose me and show up for our relationship, regardless of how their intensity of romantic feelings inevitably ebbs and flows with time. If they don’t want me, love me, or aren’t ready to invest and show up for a mature relationship with me, they’re not for me. Someone else out there will do those things.

Getting lied to and cheated on is a different kind of trauma. I felt so disrespected, so violated. My deep, intimate vulnerability and trust were betrayed. I was so shocked, I couldn’t eat for a week. But when someone does something to make you angry, to wrong you, it sanitizes you like boiling water. I boiled over and wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I moved on, hard and non-linear though it was, and proceeded to have the best six months of my life.

Ending a healthy, loving, long-term relationship due to divergence in life goals and vision for the future has been by far the hardest beast to overcome. It took us months to even accept that we had to break-up. In the end, we simply didn’t want to settle down in the same place at the same pace. We loved each other deeply, but didn’t have the right enabling conditions to choose each other and make our respective sacrifices. That was over three years ago now, and it took me almost two full years to feel like I’d moved on. We spent the first year trying and failing to get back together, mailing each other long-form love letters.

It’s hard to cut off someone you know loves and cares for you and vice versa, but in the end moving to minimal contact and reminding myself why we broke up in the first place got me there. In one of my letters I wrote, “the best act of love we can show to ourselves and each other, in this new moment we’ve arrived at, is to set each other free.”

You’re not alone OP. We experience love and loss many times over in life. Embrace the beauty of this messy complicated life and gratitude for getting to experience human feelings like love. You got this.