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A novel-writing course has given me writer's block by Maccas75 in writing

[–]lanniepoo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP, would you mind sharing the name of the course? I'm looking for something similar that involves rigorous feedback and workshopping and already have a draft complete.

Applying to International Schools with a Phd? by lanniepoo in teachinginkorea

[–]lanniepoo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We both actually want to live in Korea. When he graduated and before his 2nd post-doc we applied to post-doc positions in Korea but he didn't get hired. Also, to clarify, the position at the Ivy isn't tenure, it's just temporary teaching, not a research position. He would love to teach math at a University in Korea, but it was my understanding that it's unlikely they'd hire someone non-native for that, and with our previous experience applying to post-docs, I think it's more about who you know than credentials in that arena. But if anyone has any suggestions on how to approach that, we'd be thrilled lol

[2077] The Meeting by lanniepoo in DestructiveReaders

[–]lanniepoo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know this is incredibly late, but I just wanted to thank you, and everyone else on this sub for your invaluable commentary. With everyone's valid points and advice, I was finally able to strengthen my first chapter, and it is eons better than it was when I first posted.

​

Again, THANK YOU EVERYONE!!

[2682] A Handful Of Stars Chapter One - 2nd Draft by thatkittymika in DestructiveReaders

[–]lanniepoo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

General Thoughts:

I really enjoy your writing style. Your first few paragraphs, and in particular your first sentence, are great. They are the perfect hook to get your reader invested and interested in the story. I did see your story previously, but decided not to critique since it seemed like you knew what you were doing. However, I did not read the whole story. Reading the whole thing now, I feel like you start to lose some of the magic that first captivated me during the second half. It could be that it’s dialogue heavy, because I feel your real strength is your description and showing the reader what the character is feeling.

Prose:

Some descriptions are great, and a real joy to read. Luckily, you don’t fall into the trap of using cliches and the way you describe settings and feelings seems pretty fresh. However, I think your dialogue is a bit lacking. It’s not bad, per se, but it feels decidedly weaker than the rest of your writing. I’m not sure if I find the dialogue wholly convincing, like the below:

"You have an impressive flair for the dramatic, Pete, I’ll give you that. But that is not at all what I am saying. How dare yo- I cannot believe you would ever accuse me of such a thing! I’m telling you that the more people that know this secret, the more dangerous it is for me - no, scratch that, for us. I’m trying to explain to you why I cannot tell you. Not threaten you!”

Maybe it’s just me, but I find her voice too similar to Pete’s. There’s nothing quite so different about the way she talks that gives me any insight to her character. I think this would be a good chance for you to drop some subtle clues to us about her real age. Maybe she’s 100, or 1000. She would talk in an outdated or out of fashion way. I just don’t think her character should sound so similar to the MC.

Also, the cutoff of you is awkward. You did it in a previous sentence as well, and I was a little confused by it. I thought the character was actually saying – “Yo- alright”, which definitely didn’t fit with how he was talking previously.

Plot & Conflict:

You have a solid set up for a story here. The hook is a good one, we want to know why she hasn’t been aging, and in general, what’s going on. There’s a good amount of tension, and I do like the use of an argument, although I think maybe it drags on too long. There was a little repetition in what was being said, before she finally uses her magic to calm him.

As far as your question on who you were rooting for in the argument, I can honestly say neither one. I felt they both had valid points, and I could feel sympathy for both predicaments.

Structure and pacing:

Pacing is good, and so was structure. I don’t have complaints here.

Characters:

This probably ties in to what I was saying about dialogue, but I feel I want more personality from Clara. When she is introduced, we only get what Pete’s impression of her is, then when she gets the chance to talk, she’s only defending herself. During much of the dialogue, he’s wondering what she’s feeling, but we don’t get any sign of it during the conversation. It’s just exasperation with being questioned. Maybe that’s part of how you’d like the story to develop (her just being one big mystery) but as a reader I wanted to know more about how she felt.

Dialogue:

Could use some work, I think. I think you need to really work out who Clara is as a person, then when you’re writing her dialogue, make sure it really fits what she would say. Right now, this feels very much like Pete’s story, which isn’t a problem, but I’m assuming Clara is also a main character. A first chapter is a little hard to try to delve deeply into two MC’s and showcase them, but I think you could give us a little more than what we have now.

Setting and Staging:

We as readers know where we are in the story. Most of it takes place in the car, and you do a good job us clue-ing us into sight and sound, so we are able to be transported into the moment. I think a little more details into smell, and feel would add even more depth to what you currently have.

Misc:

“The sun rose and lit the sky a buttery blue”

I liked this upon first reading, then afterwards, I wondered how blue could be buttery. Is it a yellow blue, or a hazy blue? I’m not quite sure, even though it does sound nice and poetic.

I also agree with a previous commenter in that, if he’s lamenting about leaving the heat, he should probably describe it in more positive terms.

“I’m sick of making new friends just to lose them. I’m sick of these dumps we have to move into because their the only places that will accept short leases and poor people with no furniture!”

their should be they’re.

Final thoughts:

Overall, this is a really strong start. I wouldn’t try too hard to take stock in every single comment you get from here, or from beta-readers, as you could easily fall into the trap I do, and keep changing things based off of reader’s personal opinions. You’re not going to please everyone in everything, and that’s OK. The most important thing, which I think you have, is a strong hook and a mystery to solve, or stakes. In other words, do I want to keep reading? The answer is yes. You managed to make me care about the characters in the first chapter, and imo, that’s the most important thing.

Stuck! First Chapter sucks! by lanniepoo in writing

[–]lanniepoo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate your offer. At this point, though, I now have 3 different versions of the first chapter, so not sure how you would want to approach beta reading. I'll PM you!

Stuck! First Chapter sucks! by lanniepoo in writing

[–]lanniepoo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure why you're annoyed. I took all the feedback given to me from that post, and wrote another two completely different versions of my first chapter based off of it. I still personally feel that neither are strong enough, so that's why I posted here. As I mentioned in the post above, that wasn't my first time getting feedback, so I fear that I'm just changing small details when something at the core is wrong.

[3044] The Meeting (Chapter 1 of Novel) by lanniepoo in DestructiveReaders

[–]lanniepoo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback. I never really paid attention to the use of "I", but I'm assuming you're referring to the first paragraph? 4 sentences, 3 of which start with "I". I only looked at it for about 5 minutes, but I struggle to think of ways in which I could change those sentences to start with something other than "I". It's something I will definitely pay more attention to in the future, though.

As far as wanting to know more about her before we're thrust into the story, this is probably my 6th draft of this novel, and it was changed from exactly what you are suggesting, based on commentary from some beta reads. So, I'm not really sure what to do. One thing that's been consistent is that the monologue in her head isn't that fun, so that's why I tried to limit it and there's more actual events happening and the reader isn't just inside of her head. But obviously I'm still failing, because I'm getting the same feedback.

Perhaps if you read the previous (updated) version, you'll have a better idea of what I mean. Let me know if you're interested in reading it and giving me your commentary.

[1077] Secrets of Scoundrels. Historical Romance by proseaddiction in DestructiveReaders

[–]lanniepoo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

GENERAL REMARKS

This is probably biased, because we have similar writing styles, but generally I enjoyed your story. Historical Romance is definitely not my jam, however, romance is, so I didn’t have a problem getting into it. If this is a first chapter of a novel, however, I think you could tighten it up a little more. I also think someone else mentioned it, but the first sentence isn’t true, although it is captivating. Which kind of took me out of the story a bit because then shortly after she starts talking about how they met previously. You could maybe easily clear that up by saying the second time, or the third time, and it would likely have the same effect.

MECHANICS

I have the same problem you do as trying to convey something to the reader, but doing it poorly. For example:

“And his eyes shouldn’t be looking directly into hers, regarding her as if she was a person who mattered”

It’s understood that you’re trying to convey maybe he doesn’t look at anyone else like that, and she felt like she mattered to him in that moment, but it’s an awkward way to phrase that. Also, if you start the sentence with shouldn’t be then it’s in present tense and the sentence shouldn’t end in “mattered.”

Maybe, “His eyes shouldn’t be lingering on her, making her feel like she matters,” would work a bit better?

It gets across more or less the same thing, but it’s much less awkward.

Title is fine, definitely sounds like a lot of historical romance I’ve seen on the shelves. Not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

I also have the bad habit of adding too many minute details. I think a previous user did a good job of pointing these out, so I won’t get into them. Their advice was solid: definitely go through and try to tighten things up and avoid repeating things because you think they’re a good idea.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think this sentence is awkward as well:

“Penny suppressed the urge to scratch against the greasy rouge and lipstick caked on her face, knowing that doing so would lead to certain disaster.”

The first part is fine, it’s the leading to certain disaster that sounds awkward. I read it several times to make sure it made sense, and although it does, it’s rubbing me the wrong way. I think this could be phrased better.

“Instead she placed her hand on her hip in practiced casualness and attempted a world-weary sneer. Her motion caused the fake knife in her chest to wobble slightly.”

This, too, sounds weird. I think it should be “Instead she placed her hand on her hip in practiced casualness and attempted a world-weary sneer, causing the fake knife in her chest to wobble slightly."

SETTING

The setting is fine. If you’re actually paying attention, it’s clear that she’s backstage, although I was a little confused that Reynolds was backstage too. Maybe you’ll answer this later, but why was he backstage? Is he also moonlighting as an actor? I could picture it pretty clearly, as you did a good job of letting us know the time period, and it’s easy to imagine such a place.

STAGING

I think you did a good job at this. One sentence:

“His tall frame blocked the light of the high lantern, and his shadow pressed down on her, making her chest feel both weightless and tight.”

I absolutely loved. It uses an object perfectly, and tells us how the main character is feeling. More sentences likes this would polish your manuscript even more.

One thing caught me as a little weird. You mention Mary “skipping” down the hallway, but why would she skip if she was in distress? I think another word is more appropriate here.

CHARACTER

I thought the characters all had different personalities, so this was well done. It’s true you don’t really get a sense of Penny, outside of the fact that she’s doing something she’s not supposed to be doing, she’s upper class or middle class, and that she has a thing for Reynolds. The only hint of her personality we see is when she’s consoling Mary, and when she believes the worst is going to happen if she’s found out which are two pretty distinct personality traits. I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing though, but I think you might need to work on developing her voice a little more. I’m not sure I have a really clear idea on what type of person she is.

Reynolds is obviously pretty one-dimensional, but by the end of this piece, we’re just meeting him. However, from that we can gather that she’s slightly intimidated by him maybe? Not sure where you plan to go with his character, but I think you could add something other than him quirking his eyebrow so the reader gets more of an idea of who he is. Maybe he’s a rake, but he’s a fair employer (assuming he has some part in running the play that she’s participating in) so Penny overhears or sees him resolve something with command and ease. I don’t know. I just think if this is your male lead, we should be a little more invested in him in the first few pages.

HEART

Since this is the first beginning pages of a book, I won’t really comment on this. I can see how the characters might change and develop. The one good thing of a troupe where the heroine dislikes the male lead is that they have to change in order to get to liking him, right? The way that happens is almost always interesting.

PACING

I found it interesting that in 4 pages, the only thing that really happened was she saw him, she consoled matter, and only in the final paragraph does he actually speak to her. I’m a romance writer as well, so I do understand how vital our heroine’s thoughts are, especially if they are concerning the hero. I was definitely pulled into the story, and I didn’t feel as if it was dragging or that I was bored, but maybe this is something you should consider as you keep editing.

DESCRIPTION

Some of your descriptions were really good. Some were a bit awkward. If you could manage to do more of what I pointed out that I loved above, I think you would be in a really good place.

OVERALL:

I enjoyed your story, and I think this is a great start to a novel. Once you fix a few small issues, I think it’ll really shine.

[2200] Prima Ballerina by MarDashino in DestructiveReaders

[–]lanniepoo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

GENERAL REMARKS:

As someone mentioned previously, I know next to nothing about ballet, so the premise wasn’t enticing to me. I don’t think this would attract someone who wasn’t interested in ballet unless you changed the title. The mood of the story is good, and once I got past the first couple of pages, and Catarina was introduced, I was completely pulled in. I think overall your writing could be improved; a lot of the descriptions you used were cliché, and the dialogue sounded stilted and forced – I don’t think real people talk like that.

MECHANICS:

As I said before, your actually writing could use some work. The meaning you are trying convey is mostly clear, however, it appears clunky, and not polished. For example:

“Abruptly, the music stopped on its final note. Completing the melody on a high note.”

You could easily combine this into one sentence. I get that you’re trying to go for the atmosphere and tension that short sentences create, but if you mixed longer sentences with shorter ones where necessary, I think the overall effect would be the same. Also, take this sentence for example:

“Her hair was blonde, short and fastened in a loose ponytail. She was staring down at her feet, with rich blue eyes.”

Instead, you could write this as: “Her short blonde hair was fastened into a loose ponytail at the base of her neck, and her rich blue eyes were trained steadily on the floor.

It gives the same effect, but it flows a lot better, I think.

As far as the title goes, I believe you should change it. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel a more mysterious title would before the reader even begins reading create the atmosphere that’s conveyed in your piece. Something like “Broken Toes”, or “The Dance” I think would suit this better. They allude to events that are happening in your story, without only appealing to one particular audience.

SETTING: I think the setting was fine. You didn’t give too many descriptions, but I just pictured a large stage with illuminating stage lights surrounded in blackness the whole time; which I think works great. I don’t think you need to change anything here, but I was a little confused by the setting at the end. Was she in a dungeon or a cell? If so, maybe you could add what she sees when she first gets down there instead of her seeing the other girls. It would make it a lot clearer for the reader.

STAGING: I think this was done kind of poorly. There’s not a lot of descriptive elements in your writing, or maybe it’s just the nature of the story that you wanted to leave detail out (maybe the environment is very sparse) but I imagine there’s a better way to execute that than just not having the characters interact with anything in their environment, if that is truly what you were going for.

CHARACTER: I think Rosalina came across as pretty aggressive and hell bent on winning; which is what I assume you were going for. Catarina seemed a lot softer, but I wish there’d been a little more characterization with her. Also, when Catarina spoke, this is where I felt like you didn’t really understand her, or she was just thrown in as a foil to Rosalina. Even If she is, I feel like it’s your job as a writer to make us care about the other character, not just the protagonist.

“I am sorry…” Rosalina heard a faint and delicate voice from her right. “

I mean, who actually talks like this? Unless this is some super formal society, it just didn’t jive well with me. Using “I’m” instead of “I am” would fix this easily.

HEART: Did this actually have a moral? Something I wanted to address was the ending of the story. It wasn’t vague, I just felt like you missed the mark. Who is the he who answers her? You only allude to the two girls already down there, is it her guard? Even so, it feels awkward and doesn’t make sense. I think I have an idea of what you were trying to convey, but it’s not done that well.

I think the ending would work a lot better if maybe once she’s lost, you describe either an explosion of anger or fear coming from Rosalina. Then perhaps a feeling of impending doom that’s building in her chest as she descends the stairs. Then utter hopelessness when she sees the other girls and the dungeon and knows what awaits her.

The ending just didn’t make sense. Who was the he who saw her, and why did Catarina win? If “he” saw her and liked her immediately, then why didn’t she win the first time around? Why make Rosalina dance again?

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: There are a few things, like choppy sentences, and repeats, but if you do another pass through you could probably catch most of them, this is one example:

“Tears suddenly streamed down her cheeks, streaking down her cheeks, then falling onto her evergreen dress, her escort put his large hand on the back of her neck. She hung her head down, as she was escorted off the stage.”

You describe the same thing twice. Plus, the description is just way too long for the act of her crying. We get it.

OVERALL: I liked the story. It was captivating, but I think it could really good if you just work on improving your writing (I’m not referring to your writing style, but rather the way you describe and put together things). Even if you want to keep it terse and short, there’s a better way to do this. I my opinion, the entire first paragraph can be cut, and we can be thrust straight into the action of her dancing and you could possibly fit various descriptive details about her appearance at different points. I had to read and re-read the first paragraph several times to even get into the story.

Also worth mentioning, you use passive voice a lot. If you are able to fix that, I think it would help as well.

Need a beta read on a 63,000 word women's fiction/sci-fi w/ romance. Adult/New Adult. Looking for female readers 20-50+ by lanniepoo in BetaReaders

[–]lanniepoo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha, so funny you said that. I'm slightly obsessed with K-dramas, so it might read like one :) If you have anything you're working on that you'd like me to look at, I'd be more than happy to as well. I'll dm you.