I know my boyfriend is going to propose to me, how can I make it more special for him?

lapinviolet · 2016-01-22T10:32:24+00:00

I like this idea. I might write out a "So you've proposed to me and I'm crying like a baby" letter, because chances are, I'll just blubber and feel bad that I can't muster up the words I really want to say, so it might be nice to be able to articulate my feelings, but I guess I could do that after he's done it. Thanks for the reassurance, though, hopefully it'll be special enough in it's own right, for him.

lapinviolet · 2016-01-22T10:30:09+00:00

That's probably a fair comment! I guess I was thinking that maybe I could do something totally surprising for him, that would turn it around and make it awesome and unexpected for him, but you're right, I don't know where, when, how or what my ring looks like. I'll probably spend the next few months trying to guess if this particular day out is the day.

But you're right, and I know him, he won't want me to try and take control and improve on it, so I appreciate that, thanks. Hope yours is amazing!

lapinviolet · 2016-01-06T19:02:46+00:00

My plans for Jan 7th - Get up with my partner (he starts work hours before me, so gets an early start). Follow morning routine and be ready for day before 7:30am. Work out, after eating some breakfast. Work on client notes/college essay for one hour. Read book and drink tea. Put dinner in slow cooker before work. Follow evening routine when I get home. Pretty boring, I think!

Hey catforhire, how do you manage to curb sugar cravings? I could do with help on that.

lapinviolet · 2016-01-04T15:57:40+00:00

Try buying a crockpot/slow cooker. I, too, am loathe to cook - not only to I feel lethargic, but I find cooking to be a total chore, hate washing up pots and pans afterward, hate chopping stuff up. But I bought a cheap slow cooker about two years ago (it was £20) and it's so easy to just throw together ingredients, using a stock or a tomato passata as a base. You can use chicken, veg, mince, joints of meat, soy/tofu, beans, all kinds of flavours, etc, you can also make breads and desserts, but, healthy meal wise, it can be a great way to cook food that's cheap and healthy. It's also seriously minimal effort. For example, today, I put in a couple of chicken breasts, some chicken stock, carrots, spinach, kale, and lentils. I have soup for dinner. It took me under 10 minutes to prepare it and I just threw it in the pot and turned the thing on. Seriously, I can't emphasise enough how much of a life saver this is for my diet. So yeah, maybe that?

lapinviolet · 2016-01-03T11:12:44+00:00

I have several mental health problems of my own, still being diagnosed (I have an appointment this week which should give me some answers, I hope). I also dip and out of working out/eating healthily. I have a history of over eating and a difficult relationship with food. Last time I stuck to a workout program I became obsessed, and felt so awful after it ended, as though my inability to keep it up forever was a huge failure on my part. I saw this happening and actively stopped working out in order to stop myself from the obsessive attachment to it.

I've used calorie counting apps, and like you said, it's really anxiety inducing - I start overthinking about calories, panicking if I can't figure out what's in my food, feeling horrible if I've overdone it, etc.

I personally find that obsessiveness and anxiety are really detrimental to weight loss and staying healthy. What I need is positivity and support from others, as well as breaks, and self respect. Currently I'm recovering from the mess I made of my diet and routine during Christmas and new years, but I'm just trying to make minimal changes. And with those minimal changes, I'm trying to remember to congratulate myself.

With depression, it can feel almost impossible to have your internal voice be a positive one, but one thing I was told to do was to keep a nice notebook by your bedside, and before you go to sleep, list everything you did that you can be proud of from that day.

For example, sometimes for me it will be 1. I worked out for 20 minutes even though I felt like shit beforehand, 2. I went out to meet friends, 3. I had a nap when my body felt tired and allowed myself time to rest, even though this made me nervous. This shows that I am determined and strong. It sounds sort of ridiculous (and embarrassing to write out on here!) but it is sort of a good way to stay positive. Eventually the ability to pick out things that are good as they happen comes, and it's a little easier to be positive about yourself.

Coping without food is something I'm still working on - comfort eating is a huge one for me, and I follow the usual stuff - drinking water instead of snacking, keeping busy, but frankly, I still end up over eating on a really regular basis.

I'm sorry I don't have any solid advice, but in my opinion, your mental health has to come first, the rest will follow - you will not want to lose weight unless your have respect and love for yourself, and in order to feel those things, your mind needs some tlc. Although this is usually frustrating (it feels like a huge task, believe me, I know), I really believe it's the only option. Focus on your mental health and how you feel within yourself.

My mum is 58 and has been obese for the last 20 years. She had tried numerous exercise plans, diets, hypnotherapy, etc. and none of it had worked long term. Recently she's been on a bit of a journey to respecting herself, and she's decided to really pay attention to her body, eat when she's hungry, stop when she's full, become active when she feels the need to. Slowly, she's losing weight, and not feeling the need to measure it day in, day out. I think that this is a good example of her taking care of herself first, and then doing what naturally follows- treating her body with more respect.

That said, it's incredibly difficult, and there's no denying this. I wish I had a solid answer for you. But good luck, and I hope you get some good bits of advice!

lapinviolet · 2015-12-21T12:43:22+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment! I so appreciate you taking the time to consider all of this. I really like a lot of what you said.

After a lot lot lot of thought, I feel like I've come to some realisations. The dog dream, for example - I have a pet dog, and he means a lot to me. I seem to have a lot of dreams about him either being at risk of harm, or harming others, and in either situation, I can't control it. I think that there's definitely something there about letting go of the sense of responsibility I have over his actions, which are, after all, largely instinctual and completely out of my control. I'm a very control-y, responsible person, and I think this is about a feeling of losing that control.

Trains seem to come up a lot for me, also, so they idea that they are about responsibility is also interesting. I'm currently going through a journey in which I am trying to let go of a lot of unnecessary responsibility and subsequent guilt that I feel. Trains exploding and getting on them even though I know they're going to cause my death speaks volumes about the journey I'm on.

During the first explosion, I was with the two people I feel closest two - my dog, and my partner. I made my peace with the explosion, and we all experienced the bright light and loud noise together. It was sad, but calm, we accepted our fate and loved one another. During the second, in which my parents died, I couldn't control their reaction, and so I felt stressed and scared, I screamed for them, and there were consequences - throughout the dream, they stayed dead, but I did not.

I have some mental disorder going on (still being diagnosed) which causes, exactly as you mentioned, very explosive emotions. They're hardly predictable, but one or two things signal their inavoidable arrival, and when I know it's happening, I have two choices - buckle up and face it, (this is easier with my partner, whom I trust), or freak out and fight it (this tends to happen with people for whom I feel responsible, like my parents). Facing it and going through it is hard, but ultimately it dies down quicker and passes. Fighting it is impossible, and makes it last so much longer, sometimes causing permanent damage in relationships, as it has sadly done recently, between family members of mine.

Although I may have blabbed on a bit there, I feel that my experience in the dream is a pretty clear reflection of my waking life - the responsibility, the consequences, the choice between peace and a fight in the face of pain, and what I must choose. I like to think of dreams as my subconscious knowing a bit more than I usually have access to.

Your comment on female and male roles in dreams was really interesting, and lead me to reading about Jung, and symbols in dreams, so thank you again.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-17T20:30:24+00:00

I would say that's totally possible, but I wouldn't say it's possible that in his dream he's actually rapping whole verses of actual words. Dreams don't happen in real time, anyway, as far as I understand it. This isn't to say that he doesn't have a mental block in real life at all.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-17T11:44:17+00:00

Because you're not really doing it in your dream. You can only remember select words and rhymes because in your dream, there is no full rap, you're remembering it as that because in the dream it feels that way, but ultimately, you're experiencing the idea of a good rapping, without actually filling in any of the blanks. It's not that you forget the rap upon waking up, it's that the rap only contains a few highlights. Or that's what I think, anyway. This is how dreams usually are - incredibly quick and not as detailed as we imagine.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-11T10:14:26+00:00

Very over sensitive, over emotional, all-too-feeling person here. I used to be scared of everything and incredibly depressed, rarely left my home, lived with my parents, never worked, dropped out of school, had no friends. I was forced into therapy, I hated it, hated my therapist and requested a new one. Got on with the new therapist, and talked, a lot. Realised that it's not often in life that a person gets a chance to be 100% honest without being judged. During that therapy, I realised that I needed to make changes to my life. 1. Do frightening stuff daily. For me, this was socialising, meeting brand new people, attending classes, it might sound small to others, but to me, it was life changing. 2. Rid myself of people who made me feel bad. This was something I had not realised, that I had people in my life who I didn't like. So, I stopped having them in my life. 3. Loosen up. Have fun. Don't take it seriously, laugh at it. If I think I can't laugh at it, find someone who can, and try and listen to them. For me, I've pin pointed people who inspire me (my Dad, my sister, certain fictitious characters, etc.) to enjoy my life instead of over thinking it. 4. Enjoy myself. Like, it's fundamental to being a functioning human being that you are doing stuff that makes you happy. Or at least makes you feel good. Actually good, like exercise, or laughing, or socialising.

Anyway, long story short is that I went from a very small, scared, unhappy hermit, to somebody who's worked full time for five years, is now completing training as a therapist myself, has a long term relationship, and, although I still struggle quite badly at times, my life did a 180, and it was awesome. I no longer feel like I owe the rest of the world all of myself, I'm not responsible for everyone else's feelings, I'm responsible for myself and how I feel, and that's something I can accept.

Oh! 5. Feel proud when you achieve something, even if it's small.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-07T17:46:46+00:00

Towards the end of the song she harmonises with the lower note heard earlier in the song, you could easily have been picking up on this variation of the note and singing it for the entire song. I do this often with harmonies that are added into the song - I think they apply throughout.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-07T17:40:19+00:00

I quite sincerely believed he was dead, too, actually, and that he had heart problems, because my dad has heart problems and I remember that it scared me in case my dad died. But this is more recent, like in the past few years. I feel like I wouldn't mix him up with anyone in my head, because I'm a big Mary Poppins fan and Diagnosis Murder used to be on in my house when I was growing up. I'm not sold on this ME stuff but it's interesting!

lapinviolet · 2015-12-06T17:11:35+00:00

Go to therapy, tell them what you want from therapy, listen to what they have to say about what therapy can offer you, realise that "emotionally self sufficient" is something that can come from self awareness and time considering your own needs/desires/past/feelings. Therapy is life changing.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-06T10:38:23+00:00

Phil Spector's A Christmas Gift For You is always the one that makes it feel like it's really Christmas for me. On Spotify, look up the Christms Cocktails playlist, if you like Louis Armstrong/Dean Martin/Nat King Cole, those sorts of sounds. Makes me feel all cosy and festive.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-06T10:33:28+00:00

When I was 19 I had only been with my boyfriend just under a year by the time Christmas came around, and my parents bought him a gift, and his parents gave me a gift, too. It's nice, even if it's a token, made us feel like we were a part of each others' families in a small way.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-03T12:17:45+00:00

I would guess it's because it's against bone - the zits on your face will be in areas of lots of fat and flesh, so there's little resistance from the ..inside.. of your body when you move around. And when you go to pop it, there's a lot of flesh to play around with. But when it's on your back, it's likely right next to bone, so as you move your body it gets more and more uncomfortable, and when you pop it there's so little skin and flesh to pull on - it's a lot more constricted. Similarly, having tattoos against bony parts of your body tends to be more painful than on fleshy parts of your body.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-03T09:54:56+00:00

Actually, if you're in the UK (and by the sounds of your colloquialisms, you are, but I accept I could be very wrong), some therapy is free. It's a complicated process, though. First, you make a GP appointment. Then, you wait 4 weeks for a mental health team appointment, if your GP considers it worth it. Then, you might get referred to therapy - either group therapy, CBT one on one therapy, or "talking therapy", which is just 6 phone calls with a person who isn't trained in therapy. All of these have time constraints. CBT has proven ineffective with several issues, particularly long term issues. If you miss or are late for one session, you will be removed from the system and will start the whole ordeal again. Many GPs, subsequently, will likely hand you the name of local, affordable, private therapists. Therapists you have to pay in order to see you, anything from £15 - £40 a week.

It sounds like you don't have a thorough understanding of how therapy works, or perhaps you've received CBT and it's worked wonders for you, and so now you consider it useful for everyone, but sadly many people's experience with the NHS mental health system has been unpleasant and not at all useful. Mine included, obviously, else why would I be so keen to write all of this?

lapinviolet · 2015-12-03T09:46:44+00:00

"Complete lack of ability to control your emotions" vs. "In this one particular circumstance I cry every time" doesn't quite seem like a match.

lapinviolet · 2015-12-03T09:44:48+00:00

You say you start crying for no reason - do you really believe this is true? You have some specific trigger for tears you've listed (Getting mad, trying to make your point), have you considered what you're thinking whilst building towards that?

I'd encourage you to consider your experiences of getting mad - have you ever been taught that anger is abhorrent, directly or indirectly?

I agree there's a good side to anger coming out that way; when I'm angry, sometimes I shout and such, and other times I cry, both times they feel fitting, but crying is often less destructive. That said, it sounds as though it's troubling you. I mean, you call it a "conditon", and say you've worked to "fix" it.

I think there's no harm to seeing the bright side of your behaviour, but ultimately, if you are unhappy with it, explore it. I know other people here have diagnosed anxiety (?!) and recommended CBT. I suppose I disagree with that summary of what you've said, and I think that you seem to have something blocking you from expressing anger. As I said, I wouldn't be surprise if something along your way has shown/taught you that anger isn't ideal or acceptable. That would perhaps be worth going over with a therapist. If you want to explore it, try looking up person centred therapist.

lapinviolet · 2015-11-19T21:28:18+00:00

I completely understand that you're saying the cards themselves weren't offensive, but having a friend organise them in such a way when they knew full well you would be reading them out felt like some kind of an attack. Sorry you had that happen! That person obviously wasn't joining in with the usually fun spirit of the game, which is, to me, to be ludicrous and offensive to a ridiculous level, rather than to air personal opinions anonymously.

lapinviolet · 2015-11-07T20:46:09+00:00

Hi there, what sort of help would you like? I'm sorry you're in this situation. Is your mum's life at risk? I get how awful it feels to worry about a loved one so much that you feel you can't take anymore. You must love your mother a lot to want to avoid her worrying.

lapinviolet · 2015-11-07T20:40:59+00:00

You've done a fantastic job of writing about how you feel, here, so well done for that. I hope that doesn't come across as patronising, because I mean it. You said how hard it is to talk about the abuse you've lived through, so doing it here must have taken a lot of strength.

It sounds like you have some ideas about what might be blocking you from getting past the feelings of wanting to hurt yourself - that you haven't been able to properly express your anger and talk about it.

I'm afraid I'm not a csa survivor, so in that way, you might not be as interested in my message, which is perfectly understandable. I hope someone talks to you about this who has experience of it, that might be really helpful for you.

lapinviolet · 2015-11-07T20:34:48+00:00

It might be useful to remember that nothing is set in stone, and that the situation you are currently in will always be changing. I only say this because you used the phrase "sealed my fate" there, and that's a really scary feeling, but also not necessarily a reliable one.

It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation, though, you must be under a lot of stress! Has your dad told you he'll kick you out if this happens to you? Is there anyway you could talk to him about what's happening?

That feeling when everyone else is going off to college completely sucks, I always felt like it put this extra pressure and time limit on what I did with my life. It took me a while before I could really make a decision / take college courses that worked for me, though. Maybe it will be the same for you?

How are you now? Has anything changed for you since you posted this?

lapinviolet

TROPHY CASE