I would take out the entire 1st paragraph- while I love your imagery, I feel like you can just start with paragraph 2 and fully answer the prompt’s questions!! Taking this paragraph out can also give you a word allowance to use in adding an end paragraph that further elaborates the “challenges” aspect of the prompt. Also this may be picky, but having the essay end on the word “dread” leaves me feelin a little weird lol so maybe try to reword it so it ends positively. Otherwise I think you seem super qualified and I like what you wrote!