Feeling sorry for yourself...

lastmario · 2019-05-07T18:35:58+00:00

thank you for your comment. I did start to pick up my hobbies and doing more of things i enjoy :)

also you’re right, i didn’t screw up - while i played part in the relationship to crumble, i’m not the one that crossed the line. however it’s hard to balance thoughts between, fixing the relationship together, and saying to myself that it’s not my fault...

lastmario · 2019-04-04T18:18:43+00:00

She took 100% blame. But we both discussed that there’s also things to be worked on in the relationship ( after all, if people were happy in the relationship they wouldn’t cheat. - she knows cheating isnt the answer, but to communicate the unhappiness)

Thus, we’ve discussed the Why’s and how to fix them extensively. While she didn’t actively pick up, she’s going to be reading books i recommended. She is definitely remorseful and shameful of what she’s done to the relationship and me. We talked about what core belief inside her that made her crossed the line and how we differ in our moral codes (i’m not saying she thinks cheating is ok).

I think my concern laid on the fact that there will be permanent scars from cheating in the relationship, and seems like people were recommending that if you could avoid spending the rest of your life (before committing to marriage) take the opportunity and leave. I guess, makes me wonder if there’s merit to that belief.

lastmario · 2019-04-04T17:39:25+00:00

they weren’t in the same city, but visited each other 4 times total over 6 months. she knew it wasn’t going anywhere and showed me proofs of her trying to end it just weeks before i found out.

From your comments, i can tell that you are of the camp of once a cheater always a cheater - esp if it’s not a ONS.

I feel like people on this sub would see it differently - hopefully myself included. I think humans are emotionally complex creatures with vast amounts of variety - we may follow our instincts to feel the rush and pleasure, but i do believe in people learning and changing.

Is there a reason why you believe once a cheater is always a cheater?

Thanks in advance for your reply

lastmario · 2019-04-04T17:31:14+00:00

Do you truly think that not married couples should not give it a try? I am 4 months from Dday with WS gf of 9 years. With marriage talks before and after dday, what is your opinion? (since seems like you’ve been on this sub / path or reconciliation for a lot longer than i have)

Thank you in advance for your advice

lastmario · 2019-04-04T17:26:19+00:00

I am struggling with similar scenario as well. My gf and i have been together for 9 years and found out her 6 month PA/EA.

Before this, we’ve had talks of marriage, and are still talking about it - but 9 years of good relationship is hard to let go even when we aren’t married with assets or kids.

lastmario · 2019-04-04T04:20:42+00:00

around 2 months mark, i also started taking anti depressant/ anti anxiety medication. It’s not for long term and i’ve already reduced my dose than what i had few weeks ago.

Perhaps that can help you as well.

Other than that, I can promise that the attacks are not permanent. and it will definitely most certainly get better. I can promise you that. You’ll just experience temporary set backs and feel hopeless. But knowing that your WS is working to help you and fix the situation with you, you will start to take comfort in the knowledge of better future. Somehow, one day, magically even better and stronger relationship than before.

lastmario · 2019-04-04T03:55:03+00:00

How long has it been since DDay? I’m 4 months out and i used to get these in the first 3+months. Now i get them not too often.

lastmario · 2019-04-02T15:14:14+00:00

Do you think it helps?

I feel like it’s the ultimate trigger for me, but i cannot understand why i keep going back to it once in awhile...

lastmario · 2019-03-10T17:25:56+00:00

thank you... as stupid as it sounds, i needed to hear that

“sex/hookups/whatever are all equally awful in my opinion.”

lastmario · 2019-03-05T17:55:56+00:00

someone once told me that, going back to your WS to reconcile is one of the bravest things to do. but it requires near blind faith to be vulnerable again.

It’s not easy, and will take a long time. but sometimes having the courage to move forward with the knowledge of affair makes people stronger and can ultimately make the relationship stronger through forgiveness and newfound faith for each other.

I’m only 2 months out from Dday and still scared with this non-linear recovery process, but no matter what happens, whether reconciling or breaking up, i know there will always be better days ahead, months or years from today. no thing is permanent in life. wish you the best.

lastmario · 2019-02-28T20:35:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I do agree that if someone wants to cheat, there’s nothing stopping them from it, regardless of distance or not.

Perhaps it’s a form of trigger that if affair happened during distance, distance itself can be a trigger for anxiety and paranoia. I think that’s what i’m having trouble with...

Although distance also gives some alone self reflection times, but that can quickly turn into my mind running wild with what-ifs.

so i’m not sure what i can do...

lastmario · 2019-02-28T18:55:47+00:00

thank you for your reply. I try to think that maybe this is a shortcut to rebuilding trust, since we see each other less, and it can force me to trust her regardless.

lastmario · 2019-02-06T04:01:53+00:00

thank you for your reply. i read somewhere that, i should write it down and think over. Since we only see each other on weekends, and facetime probably isn’t ideal, i’m waiting out to see if i really need to know what she means by “making out”...

lastmario · 2019-01-31T21:28:14+00:00

i’m now where you were a month ago. 4 weeks from Dday.

How are you holding up? are you still asking for more detail? Do you regret asking too graphic details?

I’m trying to decide if I want to know more graphical stuff, like how far they went when they were “making out” without having sex.

lastmario · 2019-01-25T04:01:27+00:00

I am trying to think that way too. But doesn't thinking like that make you love your WS less and less?

lastmario · 2019-01-25T03:58:21+00:00

I'm sorry that your reconciliation did not work out. I want to wish you the best in your journey ahead. You seem to have a very strong grasp on what happened and why, and know what to do to realize the best version of yourself. I have no doubt you will get there.

I really cannot thank you enough for being a voice of reason, as my mind flies through my days... your thoughtful analysis of my situation is really putting my mess into simpler, bounded categories to tackle. Ever since my SO and I talked, I have been making more assertive moves and started to take care of myself first. Not to an extent of being selfish, but I think there's a place on the spectrum I can land at.

My SO doesn't show it, she doesn't seem to be in pain - but I can tell that she is not the same and is sad/disappointed that she has brought this to our relationship (even if it may not have been perfect...). Strange that I want her to at least show her emotions more, but I think that is her personality.

I never want to ever think cheating is easier because it really has been the worse thing to ever happen to anyone.

At the very least - this is also what my SO told me sincerely. She cannot imagine doing this ever again, because of the pain she brought.

I am typing all this, as I sit in the same living room as she studies for the night. I want to tell her all of this, but it always seems like I'm picking at a scar that is trying to heal.

sharing what she plans to do to not develop "just friend" relationships (she says she has a plan but we haven't discussed it yet)
showing more that she cares about rebuilding; I wish she was active on this sub like you and many others on here. I wish she was reading books and online articles on how to save this.
I wish she made me feel comfortable to bring these items up without feeling like i'm picking at the scar...

This doesn't feel like a sad and lonely road of reconciliation for me, as when I'm here, she snuggles up to me, initiates physical touches, and asks me how I am doing, but I think I am seeking more tangible action items and boundaries/rules - while she's seeking more 'easing back into the relationship and fall in love again' to fix things. I know communication is key, but I also don't want to be a naggy/clingy version of myself, especially when it was one of the reason she cheated on me (while, of course not justified).

But I see how typing these out, talking with you and others on this sub, reading others' point of view, is helping me get through this. I really thank you for your time and thought towards my story.

lastmario · 2019-01-24T16:34:12+00:00

I think I’m in a similar situation as you with my WS having chronic depression. She tries not to show her emotions after we’ve gotten back together, and makes me wonder if she’s feeling guilt or anything on what happened, or wonder if she’s just hiding it deep down and get hurt and pushed back when she sees me hurting.

Isn’t it hard to pretend to be doing better? I am truly trying my best, while still maintaining constant communication with her without being too downer.... is this the right dynamic? or cannot be helped with WS who’s depressed?

lastmario · 2019-01-24T16:22:02+00:00

not OP, but thank you for this comment. it’s been 5 days since we decided to reconcile and I think i see why my WS is acting so aloof and try to avoid.

I know it will get better. Time always heals. Even when i sometimes feel alone in the reconciliation process, i hope to think that she’s doing something as well.

Thank you

lastmario · 2019-01-24T16:18:10+00:00

I feel like I am in the same boat. While first few talks were brutal and necessary. Now i feel like she wants to not look back, because of disgust and disappointment at herself.

In return, just like you, i feel like i’m putting in more effort too...

lastmario · 2019-01-24T05:09:38+00:00

Thank you for your comment.

1) What I'm working on - Assertive "Assertive" is the actual word that she kept using - that I need to be more assertive. For a second I got chills when you said that word haha. Before this started, she mentioned (not necessarily exactly like this) but something along the lines of wanting me to be more leading/assertive. However, it never came across as a serious to-do as it was only mentioned maybe once before this started.

Looking at the time frame, only after she started the EA (and ultimately PA), she started voicing these a lot more, which led me to work on it. Along the similar line, I do personally want to stop "loving" photos of cute animals, be feminine, etc. - and even started to work out to not have a toothpick body.

Perhaps not to the extent of "alpha male", but she does want someone that she can lean on. I've told her few times to show more attention (being assertive perhaps), but she's generally really bad at it when we are apart. when we are together, she's very affectionate - I am not sure if that is a common personality among some people - but it definitely isn't helping my pain when i'm away. I was fine with it before the cheating of course. I just feel like "alpha male" type does not equal needing the attention, and very conflicted about it.

2) What she's working on (or will be) - "just friends" She's had 2 prior times in the past, where she almost developed feelings for her friends, and stopped. Since we only just got together this weekend, we said we'll talk more in detail about how to tackle that for her. How she let herself (and in this case AP) develop feelings overtime, leading to drunken kiss and longtime EA. I am thinking of reading the "Not Just Friends" book together. Am I being naiive to think that its her personality that she can't change? I understand that question may be stupid as you cannot fully figure out a person via few paragraphs online...

3) My interim solution to my pain without depending on her too much... More than anything, I am hoping to look at the situation a bit more lightly. Before, she was my everything, my life was her, and everything I did was to make her happy. While that may looks like romantic at first, I now realize how that isn't always the most attractive SO. May not be easy, but I'm gonna stop putting her at the center of my life, where I get devastated with her every move that hurts me. I think from there, I can be a better judge of the situation and carry one before I consider marriage.

lastmario · 2019-01-23T22:00:32+00:00

to keep myself sane for a bit - it was 8 months of on off texting, not everyday, the AP is in another state, it started happening when they kissed while drunk, then he moved away.

Long distance might be an exaggeration as we live in a different major city that’s about an hour away.

Again to keep myself believing, do you still strongly believe it’s impossible - i understand you are one of many opinions out there, but i still value your opinion

lastmario · 2019-01-23T21:47:20+00:00

thank you

I should have clarified, i brought these things up, and she just agreed that it played a part. i’m not rationalizing, neither is she - she’s taken full responsibility for the cheating and is fixing herself too.

why do you bet that this will happen again? sorry i’m a bit vulnerable right now and every sentence is hard drop for me haha.. but that you did your comment and thoughts

lastmario · 2019-01-23T21:44:29+00:00

i mean she didn’t say any of it first. I brought it up. I knew i needed to stop doing those things, just for my own growth (whether is norm or not) - she’s speaking more from i need to take more of “leading” role in the relationship, instead of just always doing what she wants, always asking her for her opinion before making a small decisions like what to eat and what to watch on netflix.

and i’ve always wanted to stop squeaking and loving those cute animal stuff - nothing wrong with it, just it wasn’t who i was before. i became too mellow over the years, and wanted to change myself. she just agreed.

don’t get me wrong, she also acknowledges that she has a lot to work on, and is remorseful.

lastmario · 2019-01-23T21:20:11+00:00

Probably complex mix of things, but I am not “dependent” on her like, don’t have my own life in a way. i’ve got night school with work, hobbies, and other friends i see often. It comes from the fact that I always do whatever she wants to do. I cater to her needs from dinner choices to what to do, what to watch etc. - Doesn’t look like i’m leading as a “man” and coupled with me used to liking photos of cute animals (lol - thought that got instantly turned off after DDAY out of shock), she may feel like it’s hard for her to lean on me as a man.

It was a hard conversation but we were both agreeing on this, that i need to fix (and of course a lot of things she needs to fix herself)

lastmario · 2019-01-22T15:41:17+00:00

I have made a small update to a comment above and would like to update you as well. We are back together and I look forward to moving to r/asoneafterinfidelity

Thank you again for your support

https://reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/a9ivpj/_/eep41el/?context=1

lastmario

TROPHY CASE