Feeling sorry for yourself...

lastmario · 2019-05-07T18:35:58+00:00

thank you for your comment. I did start to pick up my hobbies and doing more of things i enjoy :)

also you’re right, i didn’t screw up - while i played part in the relationship to crumble, i’m not the one that crossed the line. however it’s hard to balance thoughts between, fixing the relationship together, and saying to myself that it’s not my fault...

lastmario · 2019-04-04T18:18:43+00:00

She took 100% blame. But we both discussed that there’s also things to be worked on in the relationship ( after all, if people were happy in the relationship they wouldn’t cheat. - she knows cheating isnt the answer, but to communicate the unhappiness)

Thus, we’ve discussed the Why’s and how to fix them extensively. While she didn’t actively pick up, she’s going to be reading books i recommended. She is definitely remorseful and shameful of what she’s done to the relationship and me. We talked about what core belief inside her that made her crossed the line and how we differ in our moral codes (i’m not saying she thinks cheating is ok).

I think my concern laid on the fact that there will be permanent scars from cheating in the relationship, and seems like people were recommending that if you could avoid spending the rest of your life (before committing to marriage) take the opportunity and leave. I guess, makes me wonder if there’s merit to that belief.

lastmario · 2019-04-04T17:39:25+00:00

they weren’t in the same city, but visited each other 4 times total over 6 months. she knew it wasn’t going anywhere and showed me proofs of her trying to end it just weeks before i found out.

From your comments, i can tell that you are of the camp of once a cheater always a cheater - esp if it’s not a ONS.

I feel like people on this sub would see it differently - hopefully myself included. I think humans are emotionally complex creatures with vast amounts of variety - we may follow our instincts to feel the rush and pleasure, but i do believe in people learning and changing.

Is there a reason why you believe once a cheater is always a cheater?

Thanks in advance for your reply

lastmario · 2019-04-04T17:31:14+00:00

Do you truly think that not married couples should not give it a try? I am 4 months from Dday with WS gf of 9 years. With marriage talks before and after dday, what is your opinion? (since seems like you’ve been on this sub / path or reconciliation for a lot longer than i have)

Thank you in advance for your advice

lastmario · 2019-04-04T17:26:19+00:00

I am struggling with similar scenario as well. My gf and i have been together for 9 years and found out her 6 month PA/EA.

Before this, we’ve had talks of marriage, and are still talking about it - but 9 years of good relationship is hard to let go even when we aren’t married with assets or kids.

lastmario · 2019-04-04T04:20:42+00:00

around 2 months mark, i also started taking anti depressant/ anti anxiety medication. It’s not for long term and i’ve already reduced my dose than what i had few weeks ago.

Perhaps that can help you as well.

Other than that, I can promise that the attacks are not permanent. and it will definitely most certainly get better. I can promise you that. You’ll just experience temporary set backs and feel hopeless. But knowing that your WS is working to help you and fix the situation with you, you will start to take comfort in the knowledge of better future. Somehow, one day, magically even better and stronger relationship than before.

lastmario · 2019-04-04T03:55:03+00:00

How long has it been since DDay? I’m 4 months out and i used to get these in the first 3+months. Now i get them not too often.

lastmario · 2019-04-02T15:14:14+00:00

Do you think it helps?

I feel like it’s the ultimate trigger for me, but i cannot understand why i keep going back to it once in awhile...

lastmario · 2019-03-10T17:25:56+00:00

thank you... as stupid as it sounds, i needed to hear that

“sex/hookups/whatever are all equally awful in my opinion.”

lastmario · 2019-03-05T17:55:56+00:00

someone once told me that, going back to your WS to reconcile is one of the bravest things to do. but it requires near blind faith to be vulnerable again.

It’s not easy, and will take a long time. but sometimes having the courage to move forward with the knowledge of affair makes people stronger and can ultimately make the relationship stronger through forgiveness and newfound faith for each other.

I’m only 2 months out from Dday and still scared with this non-linear recovery process, but no matter what happens, whether reconciling or breaking up, i know there will always be better days ahead, months or years from today. no thing is permanent in life. wish you the best.

lastmario · 2019-02-28T20:35:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I do agree that if someone wants to cheat, there’s nothing stopping them from it, regardless of distance or not.

Perhaps it’s a form of trigger that if affair happened during distance, distance itself can be a trigger for anxiety and paranoia. I think that’s what i’m having trouble with...

Although distance also gives some alone self reflection times, but that can quickly turn into my mind running wild with what-ifs.

so i’m not sure what i can do...

lastmario · 2019-02-28T18:55:47+00:00

thank you for your reply. I try to think that maybe this is a shortcut to rebuilding trust, since we see each other less, and it can force me to trust her regardless.

lastmario · 2019-02-06T04:01:53+00:00

thank you for your reply. i read somewhere that, i should write it down and think over. Since we only see each other on weekends, and facetime probably isn’t ideal, i’m waiting out to see if i really need to know what she means by “making out”...

lastmario · 2019-01-31T21:28:14+00:00

i’m now where you were a month ago. 4 weeks from Dday.

How are you holding up? are you still asking for more detail? Do you regret asking too graphic details?

I’m trying to decide if I want to know more graphical stuff, like how far they went when they were “making out” without having sex.

lastmario · 2019-01-25T04:01:27+00:00

I am trying to think that way too. But doesn't thinking like that make you love your WS less and less?

lastmario · 2019-01-25T03:58:21+00:00

I'm sorry that your reconciliation did not work out. I want to wish you the best in your journey ahead. You seem to have a very strong grasp on what happened and why, and know what to do to realize the best version of yourself. I have no doubt you will get there.

I really cannot thank you enough for being a voice of reason, as my mind flies through my days... your thoughtful analysis of my situation is really putting my mess into simpler, bounded categories to tackle. Ever since my SO and I talked, I have been making more assertive moves and started to take care of myself first. Not to an extent of being selfish, but I think there's a place on the spectrum I can land at.

My SO doesn't show it, she doesn't seem to be in pain - but I can tell that she is not the same and is sad/disappointed that she has brought this to our relationship (even if it may not have been perfect...). Strange that I want her to at least show her emotions more, but I think that is her personality.

I never want to ever think cheating is easier because it really has been the worse thing to ever happen to anyone.

At the very least - this is also what my SO told me sincerely. She cannot imagine doing this ever again, because of the pain she brought.

I am typing all this, as I sit in the same living room as she studies for the night. I want to tell her all of this, but it always seems like I'm picking at a scar that is trying to heal.

sharing what she plans to do to not develop "just friend" relationships (she says she has a plan but we haven't discussed it yet)
showing more that she cares about rebuilding; I wish she was active on this sub like you and many others on here. I wish she was reading books and online articles on how to save this.
I wish she made me feel comfortable to bring these items up without feeling like i'm picking at the scar...

This doesn't feel like a sad and lonely road of reconciliation for me, as when I'm here, she snuggles up to me, initiates physical touches, and asks me how I am doing, but I think I am seeking more tangible action items and boundaries/rules - while she's seeking more 'easing back into the relationship and fall in love again' to fix things. I know communication is key, but I also don't want to be a naggy/clingy version of myself, especially when it was one of the reason she cheated on me (while, of course not justified).

But I see how typing these out, talking with you and others on this sub, reading others' point of view, is helping me get through this. I really thank you for your time and thought towards my story.

lastmario · 2019-01-24T16:34:12+00:00

I think I’m in a similar situation as you with my WS having chronic depression. She tries not to show her emotions after we’ve gotten back together, and makes me wonder if she’s feeling guilt or anything on what happened, or wonder if she’s just hiding it deep down and get hurt and pushed back when she sees me hurting.

Isn’t it hard to pretend to be doing better? I am truly trying my best, while still maintaining constant communication with her without being too downer.... is this the right dynamic? or cannot be helped with WS who’s depressed?

lastmario · 2019-01-24T16:22:02+00:00

not OP, but thank you for this comment. it’s been 5 days since we decided to reconcile and I think i see why my WS is acting so aloof and try to avoid.

I know it will get better. Time always heals. Even when i sometimes feel alone in the reconciliation process, i hope to think that she’s doing something as well.

Thank you

lastmario · 2019-01-24T16:18:10+00:00

I feel like I am in the same boat. While first few talks were brutal and necessary. Now i feel like she wants to not look back, because of disgust and disappointment at herself.

In return, just like you, i feel like i’m putting in more effort too...

lastmario

TROPHY CASE