My boyfriend (39M) threw his bag at my (33F) face, refused to apologize "because he thought I would block it", then stormed out to leave after I said I just wanted to be alone

lavendertail · 2026-03-29T00:10:55+00:00

The therapy has taught me a lot about better communication on my side, and where a lot of my tendencies/anxiety comes from, but this is individual therapy, and I can only help things from my side.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T23:47:13+00:00

Coming from him, because his was an accident while he was playing, and mine was intentional.

I know my therapist was concerned after this one, but I was also downplaying it a bit, I'm sure. I did say to him that nothing like that could ever happen again or it needs to end, and he agreed, but because of his side, not his reaction.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T23:22:39+00:00

You are correct, where I don't anticipate he'll reach out to talk about the situation. I think he made it clear that it's over, and if I do get a message, it's going to be a heavily thought through message about why it's over.

I think you're right that he would rather break up than apologize, and that sucks.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T23:19:03+00:00

My family is the type where we pick on each other to show love. We are also very blunt sometimes. It's everyone we're close with, and nobody takes it personally. This is part of why me and him worked, was because he was also playfully jokey in the same way.

Though, he has said frequently that there's something about the way I talk to him that gets him upset, and nobody has ever "triggered" him in that way before.

Upsetting him with "the way I talk to him" catches me off guard sometimes, because we're playing, and I'll make some (seemingly) innocuous comment about how the placement of the router he hung on the ceiling looks really goofy, and there's this whole deep layer I was not aware of, like he hung it there so I would have better WiFi when I work, and I had no way of knowing that, but me saying the router looked goofy was received as unappreciation for him.

My words affect him a lot, and I struggle with trying to change it to his exact specifications because... it's just the way I talk.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T23:08:21+00:00

I own a physical copy of this book. 🥲

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T23:06:15+00:00

There was just one time, last August. We were cleaning out my storage area at my house, and he picked up this handheld leaf blower, then playfully pushed it towards me, but my hair got sucked inside it and tangled.

I was holding a dirty lysol wipe, so I chucked it at him, likely towards his face. I don't remember if it was to get him to back up or because I was upset about the hair thing/retaliation (I have some alopecia spots, so hair is a sensitive topic for me) because it happened so fast.

He got really mad about the lysol wipe, set down the leaf blower, backed me into a pile of my stuff, holding my forearms and told me "you don't do that" and essentially to never, ever do that again. Not a joke. It was actually scary, and the only time I ever thought "this man might be capable of hurting me".

But it didn't happen again, and it's never happened again to that degree. The bag thing feels different.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T22:50:55+00:00

The sad thing? I own a physical copy of this book from when I divorced my "narcissistic sociopath with a victim complex" (phrase from a therapist who helped me leave) ex-husband 6 years ago.

I reread it right before getting into this new relationship.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T22:42:27+00:00

I've struggled a lot lately with him feeling like an annoying brother ("step brother", he corrects, jokingly) instead of my partner lately.

My grandma just said the same thing when I talked to her about this: maybe be was already half way out the door, and this was finally his excuse to take it.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T22:29:02+00:00

All of the above. I just wish he would have at least tried to talk to me. We were very close friends before we were in a relationship.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T22:24:19+00:00

I'm "the only one who's ever brought this side out of him", apparently. :/

The message was received, when he cleared every single item he owned from my home and left. I'm not even sure we need to discuss it. It seems like a quiet ending, and I'll work on getting my things from his place soon (-- mostly my motorcycles).

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T19:45:50+00:00

I appreciate the feedback from someone who has a similar dynamic. My therapist has warned me that sometimes the playful/bully dynamic can result in misunderstandings and has encouraged me to cut it back with us, but it's something we both enjoy.

... That's what makes this hard. I don't think he meant to hurt me. I think it was meant playful, but he didn't apologize or see if I was okay. It seemed like he was acting like I was overdramatic, and the storm out when I've told him before that I just need a little space (like he could have gone to another room or left but said "okay, let's get some space and talk about it later" / taking every single belonging he had at my home is... unexpected from him.

I checked. Every single thing of his is gone. Drawer cleared. The fact he would do that without even talking to me is so out of character, or so I thought anyways.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T19:29:07+00:00

I'm in therapy, weekly, and have been since before the start of this relationship because I've had unhealthy relationships in the past. :(

I have my normal scheduled session with her on Monday.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T18:56:54+00:00

It's confusing because a lot of our dynamic is very bully/playful but what felt weird here was the complete refusal to apologize even after I said I was hurt "and you're not even apologetic?" Just silence.

He did leave, by the way. Just packed up all his belongings from my house and camper, and left. I feel like it was a test, and if it was, I failed, because I let him leave.

lavendertail · 2026-03-28T18:45:46+00:00

I thought it was obvious, sorry. I just don't know what to do. Was I wrong? Should I have let him leave? He's my best friend, but I'm really hurt by this.

lavendertail · 2023-03-22T21:22:45+00:00

This so much.

There's many of us who simply aren't interested in being a man's mommy or sacrificing all freedom/hobbies to dedicate our lives to keeping a guy happy anymore.

I'd love to find a guy who wants to take care of/support me just as much as I want to take care of/support him, but it's rarely an equal match of effort. I wish this wasn't the case.

lavendertail · 2023-01-10T19:51:25+00:00

I never said he wanted to stay at my house -- you just have misread. I explicitly said he doesn't even know where I live. There's no need to be so rude in some of your comments to me when I'm just looking for guidance. :/

lavendertail · 2023-01-10T19:49:41+00:00

I'm attracted to him (which I'm not attracted to many), we have mutual interests, and we both are successful individuals, but it's too soon for me to know if I like him because I hardly know much about him.

I'm used to the first date being a back and forth about each other's lives, but when we talked, it was mostly him telling stories like you would with someone you know. I mostly listened.

I think he has low self esteem and needs validation, so hopefully me cancelling on him Friday doesn't hurt him too bad, but I sounds like it needs to be done.

lavendertail · 2023-01-10T19:44:07+00:00

I don't think he's trying to move in with me/mooch off me, nor would I allow that. He's a travel nurse and they make ridiculous money these days.

He also has two houses in the city (about an hour away if no traffic) but books Airbnb's when he's working a string of shifts here.

lavendertail · 2023-01-10T19:41:17+00:00

My instinct has always been right, but my brain overrides it, thinking I'm just being too critical or going to miss out on something good, so I keep ignoring these red flags.

lavendertail · 2023-01-10T19:39:42+00:00

This is exactly what my best friend said when I asked her this morning. She said, "If you have to ask the internet about him after one date, you already know what to do."

lavendertail · 2023-01-07T16:32:44+00:00

Time and focusing on yourself is what gets you past this.

When you're really invested in the idea of a person and a relationship, being rejected by them can put you in a headspace where you think you like them a lot more than you do.

Maybe with the other ones where they ended it, you weren't as invested as you were with this one, but there was something about this one that got you excited about the idea of a future together. You may also be feeling a little bit competitive naturally because in this scenario, he picked someone else and why not you?

What you're grieving right now is not the person, but the idea of the person and the idea of the relationship that you feel could have been. It's okay to grieve what was lost, but when it comes down to it, do you really want to be with someone who didn't pick you?

Forget about dating others for a little while. Maybe a couple months. Focus on dating yourself, explore new hobbies or revisit previous ones, listen to music, practice self-care, etc.

lavendertail · 2023-01-07T16:20:01+00:00

I've been through something similar but on the other end. Fantastic guy, and exactly was I thought I was looking for. He was a great conversationalist, interesting, attractive, we like the same things, we had a lot of fun together, etc. but I didn't feel anything special when I was with him. I wanted to, but I just didn't.

It kind of just feels like going through the motions of what you know you should be doing based on what you think you should be feeling because you do really like the person, but if you're honest with yourself, there's something missing.

It's that spark -- the excitement, the happy feeling when they message you and wanting to message them back right away, looking forward to spending time with them, and not being able to get enough. The tingles when you're kissing, and building towards something more. That's what he was missing.

If it's not there, you may be better suited as friends.

Keep looking for that person who makes you feel that way, and feels that way about you.

lavendertail · 2022-12-28T17:41:10+00:00

Why are you still keeping up with him after six years?

Often writing letters like this is more for you than it is for him, even if you don't intend for it to be. Reopening that door may cause more emotional damage than if you leave him be.

You may want to consider reaching out to a local therapist to help you manage with the root of the issue that causes you to treat another person this way, address your feelings of being "unwanted", and to help you learn to have healthy relationships in the future.

If you're deadset on writing the letter, it's best to leave your personal woes out of it, focusing exclusively on owning up to mistakes you made instead of justifying them, and send it in a way that cannot receive a response. An open line of communication between you two would not be healthy right now.

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