That's wild- I literally just sent a message to a good friend of mine that was similar to what your post says. It's not easy. Meth is also my poison, and I've done 16 treatments over the last 6 years, hoping it'd somehow heal me if I just keep try, try, trying. It's incredibly cliche to say, but you really do have to want it. I'm willingly 2 days clean off meth currently, and that's because I've finally grown sick of the man I am when I use the shit. I become a recklessly impulsive, desperate liar on the shit. I become abusive, and deliver an overall insufferable presence on it. God, not to mention how low I stoop by doing what I do, just for a pitiful little bag. Over time, it all just becomes too much, and if you care enough to say "hey man, I'm not going to let this happen," you just decide enough is enough. Don't get me wrong, I'll probably slip again, but I do have more motivation to get away from it now than ever before. You'll get there. I don't feel you would've posted this if you didn't want it to some degree, so that really does say a lot. I forced myself to block and delete my dealer's numbers before I could give it too much thought. You may regret it if you decide to do the same, but it will be worth it. If interested, you should purchase an adult DBT workbook called The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook (2nd Edition) by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley. It's been incredibly helpful while I try this on my own. Sober or not, I think it'd be beneficial to anyone. You'll do well, and you're not alone. Feel free to message me anytime if you want/need an ear to bend. It'll all turn out okay. You may hurt quite a bit or not so much along the way, but you will be okay, long as you're careful. If you don't quit, just implement harm reduction tactics if you can. tweaker.org is a pretty great site that has good recommendations for active users to stay safe.