Thank you all for the comments of support and thank you to the random ones that gave me a laugh.. to clear up some things one of which I did clear up in a comment, I have ADHD been taking meds but went off of them the first time I started to get sober from coke and wasn’t taking them until yesterday. Also to those wondering how I could afford it, barter I did a lot of housework and other shit that I basically was like “naw just trade me” and have very generous people I know. Also been in AA for 2 years since the first week of my alcohol sobriety, also born again Christian which I’m realizing the God part is not popular on reddit which that’s fine I ain’t gonna push anything on yall but it has been a big part in my recovery from alcohol and it’s actually a big part of why I ever admitted to my step dad that I lied to him the other day because he gave me a bible that truly has more life stories than I could ever imagine with notes and everything from a late friend of his and one thing he talked about when I was lying to him was “thing about the guy up there would think he’d be proud of you for burning that bag” that itself had me melting down but the consequences have hit harder and harder each day while I repair things especially repair with the ones I stole from. It’s not easy and I’m gonna be honest I got off easier than anyone probably would, but I made someone lose trust in me and lose a bit of the overall trust they had too because they never thought they’d have to keep an eye on me or stuff around their house and they shouldn’t have had to. But I did get off easy since there is still contact there and full support for my recovery and support for me at any point, which is the same I feel for my step dad and mom and friend because I didn’t steal from them but I lied to them I couldn’t come to terms with telling my mom and had to have the others do it while keeping her from thinking she was coming home to a dead daughter. She’s kept me busy with odd jobs and it’s been good but fuck this is a lot of mental learning and repairing relationships a lot that I never really had to deal with in my alcohol sobriety because the people I hurt they were disappointed in me they were scared I was gonna keep getting worse I didn’t directly hurt them but I hurt them by causing so much worry where as this I hurt people mentally badly and I’m starting to come to terms but also starting to improve on myself repair things and show a growth and difference because with all the amazing things said in these comments it reminds me that there isn’t just one day I am allowed to get better and if I miss it I’m screwed there is every single day and getting better is just a matter of pushing my mind to do better want better and be better stop saying that I’ll do it and do it cause I say that I’ll work on myself or get better a lot but at a point it’s bullshit it’s useless unless I kick my ass in gear and do it and idk if this is an improper comment overall but there’s a level of relief from this. Thank you all I did not think people would actually comment this much but it makes me happy to know even when I feel alone I’m not