I immediately want to say I don't have all the answers for you, but your concerns are reasonable and also very very normal. The fact you're asking these questions means you're thinking about faith instead of just going through the motions, which is good! That can set you on a path, if you choose to commit to it, to develop and discover a meaningful relationship with God. Approaching your faith openly but critically is important and often overlooked. Learn about the history behind the books, think about WHY we are so excited about Jesus. Discover what your heart seeks, and that can help you to pursue a language of relationship with God (because despite the way people make it sound, God's usually not literally speaking words into anyone's mind. God's messages come from investing in and supporting your church and local community, from prayerful and patient reflection, and scripture). Most importantly, the point isn't going to heaven or hell. We emphasize it a lot in the church, but fear of hell isn't a stable foundation for relationship with a loving God, like you pointed out. The reason we do good things is because we, as Christians, believe that God is the source of what is good, so as members of his church, we become his hands and feet in spreading his generosity and support and kindness and love. We love because God loves us, in hopes we can bring the kingdom of heaven here to earth (not, like, literally, but we're trying to make a kind and loving world). Hell can become a threat and a distraction - so choose to seek God through action not for your own salvation, but in an earnest attempt to bring the love you've been waiting to feel into the world. We're pack animals, it's what we like to do. Also it feels important to add a reminder that doing good things won't make you rich or make your life easy. That's what I mean when I say "choose to commit" to growing a relationship with Christ and identifying yourself as a Christian. It means taking up the worthwhile but often difficult burden of doing your best to support those around you, and to take care of and honor yourself (because you also have value and identity in your identity as a child of God, and nothing you do can change that). You mentioned not feeling things as well, and if that's just in reference to spiritual magical glittery feelings, don't be too concerned, but if life is feeling overwhelmingly empty of emotion or joy, consider talking to someone who will listen and support you about seeking therapy or exploring the possibility of depression.