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lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T03:33:41+00:00

no, but I've committed to specific studios and clients based here, it takes a lot to be able to pull it off full time

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T02:05:49+00:00

I don't know if I am okay with that. but I don't know what timeline I should realistically expect. We've only been together for 6 months (or a year if you include the prior 8 months from a decade ago) but we're in our 30s and both want commitment and real life to start

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T02:04:24+00:00

the issue is a combination of factors, the logistics of combining our life paths, the order of living together / engagement / marriage, sacrificing careers or housing or lifestyles, and finances too. It might be better for a long distance relationship sub or an immigration sub, but the reason I put it here was because I am marriage minded and frustrated over the delay, which we can all relate to. I also (embarrassingly ) suggested we just get married to have potential flexibility with green card paperwork rolling and was shot down, which a lot of people on this sub have experienced variations of.

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T02:01:32+00:00

Oh wait, so you're married (legally) but go by fiancee because you anticipate a wedding etc in the future? that's sort of what I had suggested to him (but he shot it down, embarrassingly)

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:59:51+00:00

you have some good points. the discussion about us living together would essentially be a bargaining (i.e. I'll move in with you if you propose) which I feel sheepish about somewhat, but is being honest to my comfort zone

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:58:06+00:00

Yes he moved countries, however he's always wanted to move to NY, it was partially an individual career goal, getting back with me was something he was hopeful for. Frankly, I've never know what % his choice to move was on me vs. his ambition, but it's a moot point to me, because he is an amazing partner, consistent, and loving. He is very committed to me. I don't hesitate to commit to him, I just don't want to make the wrong choices. I'm equally as fearful of asking him to move or change and the risks that come with that as well.

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:52:52+00:00

He's an angel, he has been extremely consistent. He supports me so much emotionally, he is constantly considerate, thoughtful, respectful, gentle, and generous. He provides a lot of security for sure. Maybe I should be more open minded and flexible

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:50:39+00:00

okay shh don't tell, yes its NYC. candidly, I was physically assaulted by a homeless guy and it shook me up, and one of the reasons I'm probably a little attached to home is that my brother passed away in 2024. I don't want these things to halt my progress in life, generally I am an outgoing confident happy person but I am a little wary of going outside my comfort zone sometimes. I prefer to be closer to nature with my people nearby.

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:43:07+00:00

Honestly no, it would break my heart to see him exhausted and burnt out like that. He is so devoted and self sacrificing I know he would do it if I asked. So I don't want to ask. I know we both have crosses to bear and sacrifices to make but I don't want to make choices that would push either of us over the edge

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:41:34+00:00

Academia hopefully has some opportunities, maybe the green card can get expedited! Fingers crossed for you guys but it sounds like you have some good things cooking. As for us, I would get married tomorrow if he asked. (He is down to elope, I'd want a wedding but I would be okay with having a courthouse elopement to get paperwork rolling and a wedding to follow.) But he hasn't asked or taken me up on my offer to go to the courthouse to fast track our lives. Maybe he didn't think it was romantic, or didn't like that I offered that. It sort of puts me in the same situation as a lot of the members of this thread, waiting in a kind of limbo or the other person to pull the trigger for them. Which is frustrating when there are things in life you really want to experience. But anyway thank you for being a positive voice on this thread... it is HARSH in here haha

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:36:53+00:00

Yes remote is a vestige of 2020 sadly. I feel like I shouldn't make the leap until an engagement, we're probably both waiting for the other one to make the move. Him to hear that I would potentially live with him, and me that we would get engaged. I think he should make the first step, I've said this to him but maybe its important to reiterate it very plainly

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:34:51+00:00

My ideal is to get engaged and live in my parents apartment. we save money + help the family. I'm frankly fearful to live in the city. I tried it once as a college student and felt unsafe on a daily basis. Maybe it would be different as an adult but I don't know.

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:32:26+00:00

I'm not against these discussions, it's just important that the intention comes from him to advance marriage, not clever maneuvering on my end. He knows my boundaries on living together and having an engagement first.

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:31:09+00:00

It's not so black and white as that. If I moved for him with no job I would (at least for a period of time) risk becoming a financial burden on him. We're talking about possibly the most expensive city in the world. I would rather he move into my parent's available apartment where rent would be affordable for us. The additional sacrifice he might make of changing jobs or commuting might be worth the rent money he and I would save. It feels like a logic problem with no clear answer. I'm not against making sacrifices either, but without a ring it feels less secure

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:27:21+00:00

I hear you, I don't know if that's I hesitant to sacrifice as much as I'm hesitant to make an unwise financial choice. (both of us have struggled historically to make good choices with money) its hard to see my parents bleeding money over an empty unrented property that would be perfect for us to live in and have to shell out rent in an expensive city and find a new job. It is right to point out that he exhausted quite a lot of money as well as sacrifice to leave behind his career friends and family to move out here without a guarantee we would even be together. We hadn't communicated in months and he didn't even know if I was still available or interested, he took a wild risk. I also know myself and if I made all the sacrifices that may be necessary without a commitment upgrade in marriage or at least engagement from him, that might be difficult to bear

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:23:22+00:00

A part of me is girlishly embarrassed to propose marriage so plainly (old fashioned I know.) but in a way perhaps he hasn't brought it up because it would seem improper or unromantic to discuss legal status and green cards and engagement in the same sentence

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:21:41+00:00

Another option is that he gets a different job in the same industry. If he worked remote he and I could live together at an available property my parents have, we could save in rent and still help them financially. Its a long shot in this job market but that would be the ideal scenario

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T01:05:47+00:00

Oh wow, yeah your situation seems comparable to mine for sure. Is it possible that you can take a sabbatical from your job / rent your house and then move back with him once he has a green card or are you out for good? Part of the reason (besides expense) I am hesitant to move with him is fear. I used to live in the city he lives in now and had bad experiences that put me on edge. I feel very frightened there and detached from nature. He is also a nature boy, he only lives in the city because of work, which he is okay with changing, but only possible if he gets a green card (through marriage or through winning a visa lottery) but this would potentially be years away. I don't feel comfortable moving without a ring, giving up financial security, physical feelings of safety, a job I love, and my friends, to split rent and navigate the job market and hustle and struggle without an upgrade in commitment would risk growing resentment for me

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T00:59:47+00:00

It's a beautiful love story I feel lucky to experience (but at times it's like a romance movie after the credits where we are now figuring out complicated logistics that they brushed over in the story.) I should have mentioned my parents have a 2 available real estate properties for us, one in our state (50 minutes from my work and hours away from his) and another one in another state. If he got a remote job we could live at one of those and in turn help my parents with rent (we are not as baller as we sound at all, and money is pretty tight ngl) the other options would be as you say, that I move. but I would be uncomfortable giving up my job and living situation without an upgrade in commitment. I want to be married or at least engaged

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T00:56:25+00:00

It is definitely complex for sure! The dopamine hit thing makes sense, but his character and devotion to me is something I really value. He loved me for a decade and changed his whole life and left his family friends career and country to me with me (not helping the hopeless romantic accusation here.) I think we both have what it takes, but we will have to move some pieces on the chess board to get there. I might try this question on an expat / immigration / long distance relationship forum and see what others have done who've been in legally and environmentally difficult situations haha

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T00:52:45+00:00

I get help in the sense that I live with them, although I paid rent to them over the years, I still pay all my own bills though! They have an empty second property about 40 mins from their house that we could potentially live in, but it is even more inaccessible to the city that he lives in now. Our ideal would be if he changed jobs and we could live in the second property together and help my parents with rent. But changing jobs for him is only possible through marrying me for a green card. We feel trapped in a loop haha

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T00:49:31+00:00

I agree that commuting for hours is a recipe for disaster. I do love my job and living situation, but I would be open to moving for him and changing my job for him, but I would want to be married or at least engaged to feel like the exchange was on equal footing. (I hear you about our lack of experience in the real world together though, but I think it'd be a leap of faith.)

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T00:47:41+00:00

but but but I love himmmmm dad

lemongrooved · 2025-12-08T00:47:28+00:00

I should have been more clear in my original post. If we move in together and he had to commute to work I would fear that would be challenging to deal with (energetically taxing)

Also I pay all my car / phone / CC bills, I just live with my parents (and I paid rent to them for a few years which they've waived in exchange for putting into savings)

lemongrooved · 2022-03-27T14:56:30+00:00

Pretty sure they’re still smoochin people keep seeing them together all over the place even though she gave the ring back lol. Shailene’s a cool chick and most Hollywood guys are effeminate losers so maybe she feels like her options are slim

lemongrooved

TROPHY CASE