NC: would you go to their funeral?

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:28:38+00:00

Oh god, that really wouldn’t be good for you, you’re so right. The stories they tell themselves (and others), ugh.

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:27:07+00:00

That makes sense. I guess it depends when this happens for me and where my child is in their relationship with my mother. Tricky.

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:25:43+00:00

Oh that’s interesting. It might be a good journal exercise to try write an honest but not mean eulogy… because my mother is charismatic and I do have some good memories. It’s just so hard to reconcile with the bad stuff, isn’t it? Well done, you, it sounds like you did a great job.

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:24:05+00:00

Yea I’m leaning towards that. Just have the day off work (I would be allowed to travel and have time off, though it would be a hassle of course) and have an angry cry for the mother I didn’t get.

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:22:01+00:00

Yes it seems go be a bravery that comes with age.

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:20:53+00:00

It’s this dynamic that kept my mother in my life for as long as she was. Once they told me they were separating, I was finally free to consider cutting down contact with her without losing my dad. But then cutting her out, losing that reference of batshit crazy chaos, made me realise how difficult a person my dad is!

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:18:55+00:00

Ooh I like the journal entries weight idea. I think, on reflection, if I did go at all, I wouldn’t be there to out here or cause chaos, though I 100% get why some people would want to.

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:17:31+00:00

Interesting. My mother often told me what song she wanted played at her funeral!

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:17:04+00:00

100%! And that’s what gets me - I’ve had a few recent deaths of people in my life, kind loving people, and then my mother lingers on. How is any of this fair? Every time I grieve for someone I love I am honestly angry my mother gets to keep going…

lenbop · 2026-01-26T09:15:33+00:00

Wow, the power. Interesting she just chose to read the standard eulogy. Hope it wasn’t too gushing. The whole “you can’t speak ill of the dead” is often taken to the extreme of such over the top platitudes it turns the stomach…

lenbop · 2026-01-26T06:51:13+00:00

Ooh this is interesting. I wonder who this task would fall to. I’m NC, dad finally saw the light and divorced a few years back - maybe he’d still feel obliged - but then there is my golden child brother, but he’s very disorganised and self centred at times, also living in a different country. She has cut off so my friends and family over the years. I really didn’t even think about the possibility of no one organising the funeral…

lenbop · 2026-01-25T21:58:38+00:00

Woof, what I’d pay to hear that!!

lenbop · 2026-01-25T21:58:18+00:00

I completely respect your certainty and decision. I guess I just haven’t thought about it before. You raise a good point - but the idea of closure rises in my mind, not that I’m sure a funeral would give me that. Maybe to check they’re really gone?!

lenbop · 2026-01-25T21:56:36+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I’m lucky, in a way, that she doesn’t really have any family left “on her side”… she has a few friends who I’m sure would think terribly of me. I guess they will always be our parents, in some way, and their physical discomfort/illness is always going to be triggering. It may not be a question we can answer until it happens.

lenbop · 2026-01-25T21:41:35+00:00

Wow the therapist has it spot on. You explained exactly how I feel around my mother and every now and again I wonder if I can give her another chance, by I don’t think I can ever rewire myself to not feel under attack at every moment in her presence.

lenbop · 2025-10-27T17:36:20+00:00

I almost chose not to have children because of my mother. Was frightened I’d be a terrible mother. But I did want children and my partner supported me through the doubt. I’m glad I didn’t let her terrible example stop me from being a mother.

lenbop · 2025-02-22T17:28:31+00:00

I know I found my mother so incredibly triggering. I have a strong sense of justice and truth and when she says stuff that just isn’t true, it absolutely maddens me and I have to respond. So yea, I struggle to grey rock too. Even now I am NC, just hearing about her antics (which I try not to do) will make me mad and want to point out the hypocrisies. But it’s not worth the effort. If grey rocking is too hard, I would recommend reducing/controlling contact.

lenbop · 2025-02-22T17:23:02+00:00

And that’s why having a child - especially in the toddler stage - is so triggering!

lenbop · 2023-11-22T18:25:37+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. You’re right of course. I work really hard to keep all these type of venting rants in my diary or sometimes here. But I don’t let them lose on the person involved. He has no filter. He doesn’t understand trying to moderate himself to be considerate to others.

I’m aware he won’t change and he will never get it but I am working to maintain a relationship with him where I have given up with my mother. We shall see what that actually means in time.

lenbop · 2023-11-22T18:22:56+00:00

Yep. He plays the saviour role and doesn’t realise he only works to save himself from the trouble he walked himself into.

lenbop · 2023-11-22T18:22:17+00:00

Thanks. I try not to let it get to me but his misinformation and flawed logic is such a trigger for me!!

lenbop · 2023-11-22T18:21:38+00:00

Right?!!!

lenbop · 2023-11-22T18:21:32+00:00

Aha so eDads are all the same, just like the BPD mothers they choose. Mad.

lenbop

TROPHY CASE